we have a date with the underground, chapter 41
by Turtle Jones

Car week, eh?

What can I say about car week. Cars are cool. I've worked on them a lot in my life. Not like "Joe Mechanic" type of working. More like "let's get drunk and see if this works" type of car repair. See, if you have about four people who kinda know what they are doing it almost equals one person who really knows what they are doing. This is of course just my theory but it seems to have been true in all of the situations I have been in.anarchy.gif

Take last week. I was getting some transmission fluid with Michele for her car. I had been told that brake fluid works just as well as actual transmission fluid and it is a lot cheaper. This is where my "what the hell" attitude comes in. I grabbed a can of it. If it were my car, I would have bought it cause I swear I have done it before. I have used it. I know I have. I mean I really, really remember putting brake fluid in before as transmission fluid. I can still see myself doing it all those years before. But, since it wasn't my car, I did the responsible (read "pussy") thing and made a few text messages to try and get the real answer.

As usual, no one answered my texts so we went ahead and bought the transmission fluid. Turns out you can't use brake fluid as transmission fluid. Hell if I knew. I thought I saw that in some movie, too. A lot of things I do on my car I get from movies. I still remember using urine as a radiator coolant cause Mr. Patrick Swayze did it in Red Dawn. I think I even know how to hot wire a car cause Ice T said something about it in "6 In The Morning". Something like black wire touches red, the car is mine. So I am pretty sure I could boost a car if I have too.

Same thing goes with stilling grain alcohol. While not directly related to cars, I still think it is a pretty good thing to know how to do. I've seen Mr. Edwards do it so many damn times on Little House on thePrairie you could call me Mr Fucking Turtle Daniels. I could be that big. All with the help of my TV friends.

What most people miss is that TV and movies have so much to teach those average everyday destructo bots called humanity that it is just shocking. Fuck the Anarchists Cookbook and give me a couple episodes of the A-Team. Me and B.A. will make a tank out of a couple rusty cans and still find a way to get high off of earwigs by the end of the night. All within one hour. And we would have a cool soundtrack, too.

Maybe there should be an auto class called something like "MacGyver 101." That's when the teacher gives you a broken down car and some chewing gum and tells you to get it working by the end of the semester. See, I would be good at that. I would take the car battery out, a couple of wires and a headlight. Make a connection and I would have a light working! The teacher didn't tell us what we had to get working. Just "it". See. Right there. Thinking outside the box. Easy "A" in that class. Plus I would still have the stick of gum for later.chong9.jpg

Siphoning gas tanks is also, in my opinion, just a way to laugh at people who have never done it. In the days of yore, I was in an oldCadillac one night in the backwoods of some California road. Late night with more than a few chemicals running through me. Just a few friends and no gas No gas station in site. But we did see an old farm house in the distance. Like a Charles Manson type of farmhouse. I walked up to the door and banged on it demanding "fuel so I too could experience the American Dream". God knows what I said but it was something like that. An old guy answered the door and looked us over real slow and gave that kind of high pitched slow "I am going to kill you" giggle. Pointing at his lawn mower, he told us that was all he had.

We had a hose and an idea. I was going to get that gas out of the tank of mower. Cause I saw Cheech and Chong do it. So I know how to. I proceeded to put the tube in the tank and give that lawn mover the mightiest blow job it had ever had. Suck. Spit. Suck. Spit. I mean really, it looks funny when you are actually sucking off an engine. All it needs is some little metal balls to massage while I deep throat the Lil' Snapper and we have the workings for some kind of engine fetish video. Doesn't help to have three drunks behind you making jokes relating to money shots.

Well we got the gas out and I got sick. Gas has an awful taste. Spitting bits of saliva out of my mouth the rest of the night while hearing dick jokes is nothing Mr. T or Mr. Patrick Swayze would have tolerated.


I just drank another beer.

So anyways.

I like cars.



Never go down on a lawnmower on the first date.


Just think of everything you can learn by watching '24'. Hotwiring cars, interrogation methods, opening sockets, sneaking up on people, it's all there...


You can also learn how to be a pimp if you watch enough "Charlies Angels"

On a related note, you could learn how to be a midget in a tuxedo from "Fantasy Island"


I'm thinking we've got an idea for a new survival show on Discovery Channel: "Stupid Things Turtle Has Done and How He Survived Them."


Hmm. I've watched a lot of Star Trek and Miami Vice in my day, so between Capt Kirk and Sonny Crocket, I should have learned how to be super-cool and also suave...



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