We Like The Cars That Go Boom
by Turtle Jones
I've been in a lot of them. I have no idea why but these kinda things happened to me like once a fucking year. Seriously, I really get tired of these. Yeah, the Valentine's Curse I had was funny to look at but really, that curse really sucked. If you guys don't know what the Valentines Curse is, I'll explain it.
Every year on that day, I get hit by a car. Don't ask me why*.
So I don't go out anymore on that day.
But since this isn't really one of those stories, let's move on.
My brother was in town. Don't ask me why. I stopped asking questions a long time ago about things like this. But for some reason, he met me out of town. Like thirty miles out of town. Weird. He was going to a show and really needed me to drive his girlfriend's car into town because he was scared to drive in the city. Ok. This is when it gets really weird. He stole his girlfriend's car from a town about an hour and half away and drove to meet me in the pouring rain. I took the car on the outside of town while my brother and my friend slammed back cheap beer in the back seat.
See, that wasn’t that hard to get.
Anyways, we drove through the Bay Bridge and everything was fine. I only had a few beers in me, so it was all cool, but I was going to get drunk before the show started. They needed to know that by the end of the show, someone else would have to drive the car back.
The rain started coming down harder as the radio blasted "I'm only happy when it rains." Don't ask me who sings that. All I knew was to keep driving. We hit the city, found the place and sat in this old car, drinking the rest of our beer and doing cocaine. When we were done, we wandered in. I met some of my friends inside and the show went off.
No big deal, but I was fucking drunk as fuck. I handed the keys to my friend. He was drunker than me. Well fuck. This isn't going to work. My brother trembled at the the thought of driving in the city. Someone had to drive. So it looked like it was up to me.
Before we go any farther I want to say I do not condone drunk driving, nor do I think it is funny in anyway. I think people who do it are incredibly selfish. I, myself, have had three DUIs and those were only the times I have been caught. Anytime I talk about breaking the law, remember there were always consequences for my actions.
*Insert the evils of drugs and alcohol here*
I started the car. My friend was passed out in the back and my brother was happy as a motherfucker that he was in a city. I was closing one eye to find the bridge.
I had asked a friend to follow us home in is car, you know, stay behind us so he could cover me. His little red car followed. I had this made. I hit the pass and on the bridge. "I'm only happy when it rains." That fucking song again.
I know a lot of you are probably familiar with the Bay Bridge, but if you aren't, it is a two-tiered bridge that spans the bay. Designed by two different guys. The first part of the bridge stops in the middle when it hits Yuerba Buena Island. Then you go through a tunnel on the island to get to the second part of the bridge. When you get off the second part, depending on which way you are going, you either hit Oakland, San Francisco or Berkeley.
That really has nothing to do with the story, so let's move on.
That song kept playing as I hit the first part of the bridge. Ok. We can do this. And when I say "We" I mean "I". One eye closed with someone screaming in my ear about how cool the show was, another one in the back snoring and my ears being blasted with this one song. The first part of the bridge was ending. The rain was pouring. My friend who was following me decided it was time to pass me.
We hit the island underpass and it was flooded. The car started to hydroplane. I could feel it happening. No one else knew what was happening. My lungs took a deep breath as I looked over to make sure everyone was belted down.
Don't get me wrong. This wasn't like a long gaze. This was an "Oh fuck!" gaze.
Everyone was belted.
We started to spin.
Oh, just fucking great.
We slammed the wall. My friend’s head nailed the side of the door. 90 mile per hour spin in the middle of the busiest fucking bridge in Northern California. Shitfaced drunk and blocking traffic. Three drunks in a smashed up old Ford with empty 40s of King Cobra lying on the seats.
See, this kinda shit is when I work my best. This isn't like light a cigarette and survey the situation type shit. This is when you need to think, and think fucking fast.
My friend’s car stopped in front of us. He came running back. I flipped the ignition. No bueno. I tried it again. It is going to work. I know it. Dammit. Calm down. Think this through. Cars were pulling up behind me. My friend asks me if we are all ok. "We are good enough for now. Take these empties and throw them off the bridge." My little, fat friend grabbed all the bottles he could hold and ran for the bridge.
Situation one was taken care of.
Ok, now we gotta get this piece of shit of the road before a cop comes. More cars backed up. Ok, turtle. You need to think. Another quarter mile of pushing this car to the off ramp of Yerba Buena Island or another DUI. I tried to push the car, but it wasn't working. The axle was totally bent. Well, not totally, but there was no way I could push this. My friend in the back was screaming he had a concussion while still laughing about the whole thing. My brother leaving with my other friend. Oh. well. fuck.
Gotta keep moving.
Just then some limo driver opened up his door. Some totally wasted out of his mind cocaine dude. He came up and looked at the car. "You guys need to get this out of here." Well fucking thanks for the update J. Edgar, we kinda know this. He got in the car and tried to start it. Then flipped the trunk, pulled off the fuzzy thing that covers it, pushed a button, and the car started. Well, started is not really a good description of it. But, it was rolling.
I managee to get it to the center island, turn it off and park it. Sparks were flying as I did it, but it happened. We made it. Grabbing my friend and the rest of the empties, we abandoned the car and ran up a hill, just to sit and think about our next step. We were in the middle of the fucking bay with a car that was shooting sparks.
Ok. Hold on.
Let me savor the moment of crisis number two being over before we start on number three.
Well, I had about a minute before crisis number three hit me. Getting off the bridge and staying out of jail. We both drank our 40s so if a cop came, we could say we just started drinking right when we got here cause of the stress. I do not know if that gets you out of a DUI. I really think that might be an urban legend. So don't quote me on that one cause I don't really know. But our big problem now was getting out of the middle of a fucking bay.
A tow truck driver came by and asked us if we needed help.
No, we just like the island and decided to crash our car here to look at the new homes.
So, he picked us up and drove us back to our starting ground. Well, my starting ground. Remember this wasn't my brother’s car. He stole it from his girlfriend. He lived another hour or so away. We had to get it back there.
Welcome to crisis number four.
Ok, I needed some sleep bad, but the sun was coming up. No car at her house in the morning equals bad things. This has to be done now. I called in a favor to a friend and had it towed to his place. But I was doing bad. Really, the wreck might have actually done damage to me, but I just didn't care. Something else was happening to me now. Sobering up. Really, the alcohol makes your teeth chatter as it goes through you and away from your body. You can really feel it leave you as you start to sober up. This had been a long night and I was about to go into seizure mode. I can feel when they are coming on. I needed a beer bad or a drink or something because I was seeing those little white circles. I popped Librium so I wouldn't end up in the ER looking up at mom crying over me. I needed a drink but it wasn't 6am yet.
So Librium will have to do. Don't get me wrong, Librium doesn’t get you high. Not at all. It is for when your body is just about at the seizure state. You can not detox without them. Well, you can, but chances are you will be in the hospital and dah dah dah...
So I needed a drink and I needed to fix this car. We got to the shop and my friend was drinking. He handed me a bottle of Captain Morgan’s and I took a long pull as he checked out the car. Axle. Bent. Money. Bottle. What happened?
Just give me a second til this hits me. Please?
The liquor entered my blood stream and I felt my senses coming back. He wanted to know how good friends I was with the owner of the car.
How good friends was I with her?
I dunno. Why?
He could get this fucker running back to where I needed to get it.
Ok hero. How you going to do that?
He pulled out a torch and a crowbar and twisted the metal back into place. Hey dude. Don't ask me what he did. I had to go out to ask other people just to tell me what the button the coked up limo guy pushed to get the car started was , so don't ask me what the fuck my friend was doing.
Well, anyways. I dropped the car off to my brother and just told him good fucking riddance. You know those sad eyes when you steal your chick’s car and his brother wrecks it and then fixes it with a blowtorch and a crowbar? You guys all know those looks?
Well, I don't blame you.
I just gave him the keys and went inside. Turning on the stereo, I let my mind wander.
Just as I was about to fall asleep....
"I'm only happy when it rains..."
God, I hate that song. - T
*curse broken in 2007
Turtle issues the standard disclaimer with this one.