Alright, Last Time I Left Off...
by DR

Alright, last time I left off talking about that Very Big Game where my kid unwittingly played the role of wingman. I swear on my life, this happened completely of her daughter’s own volition. SWEAR.

It’s one of those days where the traffic gods smiled upon my lowly self and provided me with a speedy route to get home, make snacks, get uniforms, pick up the kids, feed them, and drive way out into the middle of nofuckingwhere (of which there is a lot of around here) to an elementary school for basketball games. I get there early, and lo and behold, Jared was there a little while after I got there. I couldn’t have planned it better. Like I said earlier, my youngest is on him like a fat kid on cake, so she’s following him around all over the gym while he sets up for the games. Mind you, she’s not the only kid who follows this guy around. He’s like a tyke-magnet. It’s not in a creepy, “come follow me little kid” type magnet either; he’s just good with kids and they pick up on it.

celeb_jared.jpgWe’re sitting there watching the game before my daughter’s. I’m on one side of the court, and Jared is directly across from me on the other side of the court and surrounded by three kids. I hear them talking to him because, as you might surmise, kids are just loud little creatures. My daughter, I’ll name her Direct Child for ease of reference, is asking Jared a million questions, as is the other girl sitting there. My ears perk up, very non-chalantly, because, ya know, I don’t eavesdrop on any conversation. That’d be rude!

–ahem –

I hear this child as Jared, “do you have a girlfriend?” Of course, she puts the emphasis on the word “girlfriend” because at their age, boys and girls even playing together is a somewhat foreign notion still because girls have cooties and boys are stupid (and you really should throw rocks at them).

He answers “no” to the question. SCORE! I should have paid this kid for playing this so well. They keep talking. Then, Direct Child picks up his cell phone, and like any kid, wants to use it.

To call her mom.

On the other side of the court.

Just to say,“hi”.

I love this kid. Really.

I answer my phone, and we go through the usual silly games. My slightly admonishing her for playing with his phone. He, of course, doesn’t care and is laughing. The kids play their games. I talk to Jared a little bit more after the games-just small talk.

On my way home, I start thinking…”alright, now I have his number. Now I know he doesn’t have a girlfriend. What am I going to do with this information?”

I have to pause in the story a bit to tell you that Direct Child gets her directness from the family tree. Mom doesn’t mince words, mom will tell you how it is when it needs to be said, and mom isn’t shy about what she wants.

What do you think mom decided to do with that information? Yep, I called him later that night.

I will tell you that that phone call was one of the worst phone calls I’ve ever made simply by the sheer amount of sweat and nausea that overcame me at the thought of asking a guy out on the phone. Now, I’ve been through the online dating thing and suggested places to go. I’ve had long distance relationships I initiated by talking to the guy and suggesting getting together. No problem there. But to ask a guy out like this? Where he can say “no” right there – live – to me? Oh the horror! I now truly understand why some men never get the nerve to ask a woman out. It’s terrifying. But not being a giant pussy, I called.

I am just going to give you a transcript of the conversation that was, by far, one of the most ego-blow inducing calls ever at some points.

jared_500.jpgAfter the generalities that are said at the beginning of a phone call…

DR: “I was wondering if, um, you would like to go out some time.”

……..(a looooooooooong pause) I mean, long enough that I could have gone and taken a piss in the time it took him to respond

Jared, slowly, and with a bit of incredulity in his voice, “With you?

Oh God how I wanted to run and throw up and disappear into thin air at that point. I was mortified.

DR:”Uh…um, yeah, that was kind of the plan. Yes.”

Jared: “Aren’t you married?!”

At this point, I was mildly relieved at the question if that was the reason for his hesitation and the inflection on the phrase, “with you”, which it was.

DR: “Oh God no. No. I haven’t been for three years.”

We then go through the general details of how that’s not my husband, yes it’s their dad, but ya know that girl he’s always with, well that’s his girlfriend stuff. After all that’s cleared up, then he says “I’d love to [go out].

Then, shit for brains DR really fumbles because I honestly did not expect him to say yes. I was truly surprised and unsure of what to say next. Do I tell him that now I just need to kiss him just to see if he kisses well and is fantasy material? No? Fair enough. I didn’t. I kept my mouth shut, but I’ll be damned if I wasn’t thinking it. I knew I’d find out soon.

To hell if he’s not a first date kisser; I am so he will be this time.

See, direct.

And I’ll directly tell you all about the delicious kiss and great date…next time.





hey look on the bright side.

you get free sammiches for life.


What next, a date with the Burger King?


There's finally a creepier commercial than the Burger King ones. The Michelle Ma1kin's little sister looking chick who talks about how Quiznos has "More MEAT, and that's what a woman needs. Giggle giggle teeheeee wheeeee."

I swear if my wife ever meets this chick, she's toast.


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