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An Ode To An Unsung Hero
by Travis Gruber
Due to a computer crash and server problems the list of the worst comic book movies has been delayed a week while I try to scrape together enough cash to get myself a new computer. Until then enjoy this.
I'd like to take this opportunity to thank one of the unsung heroes of today's society, so raise a shot glass because this one goes out to you: Dumb-Dumb The Hot Chick. We've met several times, in all of your various forms.
It's okay though, Dumb-Dumb The Hot Chick, you do have some redeeming qualities. The combination of low cut shirts and low rise jeans completely counteracts the fact that you can't do long division, which isn't actually all that hard. But it's okay, because I can see a little nipple so I'll let that slide. That and the fact that the drunker you get the more likely it is you'll show me the tattoo that "daddy doesn't know about" which resides just inches above parts I'm not supposed to see on a bar patio. I'm also 98.5 percent sure that one more shot of Jaegermeister will get you to flash me your tits. For that I'll forgive that one of your life's goals is to have a sugar daddy. But the greatest thing about you, Dumb-Dumb The Hot Chick: You're as gullable as the ocean is wet. You'll believe anything I say as long as I don't get that look on my face that screams, "I can't believe she's buying this shit."
Quite frankly, Dumb-Dumb The Hot Chick, I love you. After all, if it weren't for you and your ilk, I'd miss out on some of my favorite things in life: Like Hooters, Girls Gone Wild, Strip Clubs and spring break stories that include phrases like,. "I've never fooled around with another girl, but..." and three shots of tequilla later you're face deep in the crotch of the chick you're sharing a hotel room with. God Bless you Dumb-Dumb The Hot Chick, and just to let you know, I'm only driving this piece of shit Ford Fiesta until the Jag is out of the shop. And I promise that I will call you, that is of course unless I'm called away on a super secret spy mission. In which case, if I see you in the same bar next weekend I'll pretend not to know you....because I'm undercover.
That was about the only thing that made Isla Vista even remotely attractive when I was trying to find an apartment. Then I realized quickly that I'd be some sort of senior citizen around there, and every subsequent visit has been a quick trip into moron-on-a-bicycle hell.
Posted by: Philbrick | March 30, 2007 1:32 PM
I just dumb-dumb the cashier! She's working at an Arby's in Mobile, Al.
Posted by: Pirate | March 30, 2007 2:28 PM
When walking through Isla Vista was I the only one who got the urge to clothesline a hippy off of their bike?
Posted by: Travis | March 30, 2007 7:20 PM
Well Travis, the last time I was there I was behind the wheel of a large Toyota, so clotheslining wasn't exactly what I had in mind. I would like to see someone (not myself of course) set up a rope three or four feet high across Pardall Tunnel.
Posted by: Philbrick | March 30, 2007 8:36 PM
crashes bad car
Posted by: florida car crashes | April 7, 2007 10:26 PM