Blinded by the Light
by Lovemonkey Jolie
I have a psychic friend.
And she told me you just rolled your eyes.
Don't worry; I can understand why you'd be skeptical. I've seen/worked with/thrown good money away on those kind of psychics and I'm here to tell you that people who claim to have psychic powers are usually just a stone's throw away from ironing kitty and puppy decals on sweatshirts and outlining them with glitter paint. But Bunny is the real deal. And it's such an everyday thing that I am almost no longer amazed by her abilities and have rather come to depend on it - you know, like the dawning of a new day or the five martini cocktail hour.
You know when you've had a friend for a while all the things you once found extremely unique, - like double-jointedness or a knowledge of all things perverted or the ability to pick things up with body parts other than his/her hands - you hardly even notice anymore? Well, the psychic part of our friendship is no different. It's just kind of a matter of fact thing. I no longer bring all my other friends in to peek around the curtain at the side show freak.
So I lost my eyeglasses the other day.
I told Bunny about my loss and she said without expression "They're in the car." And I said, "I already looked there." And she said, "You have grey interior?" I said, "Yes." and she said "Then they're in the car," and went back to her crossword puzzle spreadsheet. So because Bunny is never wrong - never wrong I tell you, I went outside and looked again.
I opened the passenger side door and bent over, looking under the seat. As my ass was hanging out of the car I considered that it was entirely possible that I was displaying butt crack because of the fact that all pants are low cut now and that my office is on a busy street, but I didn't care. Bunny said my glasses were in the car so they were in the car, dammit. It was just that they were invisible. Look, if Bunny can be psychic, then invisible eyeglasses are possible too.
Now you'd think that at this point I'd just shrug and say something like "I guess she was wrong." But I couldn't. Because when someone has been right about everything before, you simply cannot - will not - consider for a moment that she even has the capacity to be wrong. Because if she was wrong about this then GOD, HGTV and movies made in the 80's might not really exist either. So you see, I had to believe.
When I got home that night I realized - when I actually started listening to the conversation thread in my head - that I was bothered more by the fact that Bunny could be wrong than the fact I had just lost my perfect $300.00 eyeglasses. So I did what everyone tells you to do when you lose something. I retraced my steps. I remembered that I had the glasses when I left work. So let's start there. (check denotes places I already looked for or called inquiring about lost glasses.)
Left work and walked through parking lot to my car (check)
Stopped at gas station (check)
Drove to mammography lab. (check)
Shopped @ shoe store (check)
Unwound @ pub (check)
Abducted by aliens (check)
Saved a whale (check)
Felt the effects of global warming (check)
Cooled off @ pub (check)
Recited the alphabet backwards, just in case (check)
Became a member of the witness protection program (check)
Saw a well-dressed family walking down the street, pulled over and asked them for a copy of "Watchtower." (check)
Stopped at a beauty salon and demanded they shave my head (check)
Arriving home inspired, I stayed up all night writing a book about my drug addiction. Got it published and then realized in the morning that I never had a drug addiction. (check)
Planned my public apology (check)
Realized that I had taken a purchase out of the trunk of my car after I arrived home and then remembered that my trunk has the same grey interior as the rest of my car and - wait a minute!!
So, I'll leave you with the words from a crossword sampler I have hanging in my living room.
Psycho friends will boil your bunny
But psychic friends will save you money