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Digging A Hole Shawshank Redemption Style
by Stefi Sparer
My wisdom teeth are coming in. Or, to be more specific: my wisdom teeth have been coming in for a year and a half and I tried to ignore them (while at the same time, worry day in and day out about the state of my precious perfect bite and if it is being compromised by said new incoming teeth) but now the little fuckers are digging a hole Shawshank Redemption style through my cheek. And it hurts.
So something needs to be done.
I am not happy about this. Mostly, the idea of having someone put me in a twilight sleep and then drill through my jaw bone to grab four teeth that no longer fit into the average sized human head -even if some badass pain killers are involved- doesn't really appeal to me.
"Does it hurt to have them removed?" I ask a family friend, Julie, who also happens to be my dentist. A stupid question, I realize, but I wanted to ask as if there could be a small chance that she could say it just feels like getting a massage.
She considers my question as she chews on her sandwich while we're at lunch. She swallows and replies with her own perfect teeth; the ones she shaped using just rubber bands and paper clips after her mother refused to get her braces as a teen, "It'll definitely ruin a good weekend," she shrugs.
Let the panicking commence.
"No, Stephanie," my friend Stacy tries to console me during Contemporary Cinema Class, "They give you Vicodin! You sleep for like, three days straight!"
"I miss three days of The Daily Show?" I half kid.
"Dude, you have TiVo," she retorts, "Plus, if you're on Vicodin you are so-o not gonna care what TV show you miss."
My friend Josh pats me on the shoulder and I shrivel at his touch. He told me he may have a cold earlier. He rolls his eyes, "I sanitized."
"Uh, anyway," he doodles a heart around Jake Gyllenhaal's plus his own initials, JB, in his notebook, "Look, if you don't want the Vicodin..."
"Hey!" Stacy crawls over me and slaps Josh on the hand. "If anyone gets Vicodin it's me!"
Josh tries to stab her with his pencil and I shake them both off of me. "Knock it off," I say, "'Cos I already promised my mom, anyway."