Donkey Kong Wears Nipple Clamps
by Turtle Jones
Because of some weird things that have went on in the last two days in our FTTW company email, we all somehow have decided that this week's Group LNT will be something a little different. Don't ask me how we got from the original intent of the email message to where it ended up, but what the hell. Somehow we went from "changes at FTTW soon" to concubines to William Shatner to Donkey Kong in nipple clamps. Hey, don't look at me like that. This was ALL the FTTW writers. Sick bunch of bastards.
So by popular demand (read: whomever was left at the end of the email thread) we have decided that this week's Group LNT will be abpout video games. More specific: video game characters. Even more specific: which ones would you like to have raw sex with. Like Iggy Pop type of sex. Scroggin' type of sex. You know that kind of sex where you don't know what you are doing but you are sure you are doing something right cause you can feel god's chin drop to the ground as he witnesses you making sweet love to a character on a TV screen.
So that's where we are at.
Sex, immaturity and video games.
Who do you want to do what you do so well?
We're gonna run this one a bit different. Instead of doing the individual posts, we're going to make you privy to the entire email thread. Note, this is not the email thread in which the idea was hatched, because the internet is not ready for that yet. But this is the ensuing thread.
Ernie: Well I don't play a lot of video games so... The only video game I can think of right now that has women in it is the old X-Men arcade game. I think maybe Storm and Jean Gray are in that one? That works for me.
Branden: For your reference:
Ernie: Nice! I forgot about Lara Croft! I'm set.
Pirate: Man, I've only played a couple of video games with my kids. I'm left with Captain Janeway and Barbie. Can I have a threesome?
Branden: As for mine, I'm going to have to go with old reliable: Lara Croft. I mean come on. You can't get any sexier than that. The things I would do to her. I'd search for her buried treasure. I'd raid her tomb. I'd plumb the depths of her dark caverns. I think you see what I'm getting at.
Branden again: Aw man, do I have to change my answer now? Ernie beat me by three minutes.
Ernie: That's right. Sloppy seconds for you!
kali: i'm taking thirds then, plus you two prolly have small dicks anyway... couldn't mess her up that badly...
i'm not sure that was called for, i'm so mean...
Michele: no way. you guys can both do her. i bet she'd like that.
kali: whatevs, i'm going with Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus
Michele: pegasus was just a glorified sex toy anyhow.
Josh: i thought that was unicorns.
Michele: isn't pegasus a unicorn?
i'm really not up on my barbie companions.
Pirate: I've got Barbie Pegasus right here and Brietta (Barbie's sister, whoo hoo) is a flying horse, not a unicorn. Whatever, as soon as Barbie uses that magic wand on her, they both have a date with the pirate...
Josh: dude. pegasus = horse with wings
Ernie: heh heh, that's why I like you Kali ;)
And I'm not sharin' Laura Croft with anybody. Like that scene in Full Metal Jacket. 'Don't worry I'll skip the foreplay'
Michele: i would just like to take a moment to address the IT people at work,
This isn't what it looks like.
Deb: I've never been a consistent video game player, most of my playing was done in the late 80's - early 90's and I am SO not choosing Super Mario.
I'm going to go with any (or all, whatever works) of the men from DOOM. That was a video game right?
Ian: Deborah is now in the middle of the universe's biggest Space Marine gangbang. Good luck with that, Deb.
Michele: this is an untapped market. i say she brings it to pay per view.
Ian: Yeah, I'd buy that.
Deb: I don't think y'all are ready for THAT jelly...
Although with lube, all things are possible =)
Michele: That's what Donkey Kong said.
Turtle: Wait wait wait.
I never saw this one.
Xena: Warrior Priness: The Talisman of Fate is a fighting video game that was released on the Nintendo 64, developed by Saffire and published by Titus Software, based on the television series.
I need this game....
Michele: There's an N64 in the garage somewhere. Have at it.
Maybe that's not a good idea.
Turtle: There is also a That's So Raven video game.
Sex with a Cosby Kid could be fun
Is she 18 yet?
Ian: Just go ahead and say that you'd screw EVERYBODY, Turtle. That's where you're headed.
Turtle: I do have my boundaries.
I wouldn't screw any one of the Powerpuff Girls.
Maybe Mojo Jojo.
But none of the girls.
For some reason screwing an ape with an exposed brain is somehow ok compared to having sex with with a bunch of girls with no hands.
Ernie: Too bad nobody ever made a Little House on the Prairie game
Turtle: That would be a real boring video game.
Little House on the Prairie 1: The Plowing of the Killing Fields
Actually, now that I look at it, that would be pretty cool.....
Pat: I feel so left out - I don't play video games, so I don't know who I'd have wild monkey sex with, given the chance... if they've made a game out of the Lord of the Rings, I would have to go with Aragorn or Legolas, as long as they're a close copy of Vigo and Orlando!
Branden: Well, all the things I can come up with to say to that probably shouldn't be posted on a public forum.
Meg: Guybrush Threepwood from Monkey Island. Oh yeah.
Ian: You're in luck, Pat. They made games of all three of the movies, and the characters in the games are designed based on the actors from the films.
kali: sissy. ;)
Michele: not sure who i'm going to do yet, but i kinda remember dr. robotnik from
Jennifer: I'm not an avid player of video games, but I'm blessed with two children who have dedicated their short lives to them. I'm going to have to say Ash from the video game version of Evil Dead; he's funny, combats evil and knows how to work a chainsaw.
Richard: I am so all about Raven's redheaded friend, whatever her name is, that's mine. If she isn't in the game then Raven or maybe Ms. Pacman; she's basically all mouth. Yes, they're all over 18.
Jay: Duh, Princess Jasmine.
Shes in Disneys Kingdom Hearts. Now thats a magic freakin carpet ride.
Philbrick: Jesus H. I only check this account once or twice a week and suddenly I've got like 150 messages. I'm sure someone has already given this response, but I really don't feel like wading through all the messages so I'll just repeat what someone must have already said. Chun-Li from Street Fighter 2. Now, keep in mind, not the SNES Chun-Li that they thinned down, but the original arcade Chun-Li with the boobs and the skull-crushing thighs. Yes, I was a thirteen-year-old pervert.
Dan: Dude I just got in and wanted Chun-Li all for myself. She's too small to share.
Michele: Grrrr. I was just thinking about Chun Li. Maybe I'll take Ryu.
Then again, I bet Akuma is a monster in bed.
Timmer: Alias is a video game. That makes this easy.
Sydney (shivers and makes ooky faces and noises) Bristow.
First of all, she's a girl who kicks ass.
Second of all, I don't have to share her like that ho Laura Croft...although the thought of sharing her with Kali makes Mr Happy and the Twins all tingly...but I digress.
Third of all, costumes and makeup baby. You don't like who you're doin'...wait five minutes.
Fourth, she redeemed red leather after MJ killed it in the 80s.
Okay...lost wood thinking of MJ...damn.
Fifth, she SO has Daddy issues so the age difference is a plus.
Johnny: YOU"RE ALL A BUNCHA FUCKIN' DEGENERATES!!!
Josh: i saw brian posehn's live standup a few months ago. he started his set by asking "is it wrong, when my wife's going down on me, to yell "we're gonna make a mouth baby!!!" ? "
Bonnie: Ok so I'm going with a cartoon character since I don't play video games. From the Disney version of Tarzan. I'll go with Tarzan and Jane. I seem to like the animal sex theme so having wild monkey sex with a man who thinks he's a monkey might be hot. I'll throw Jane in the mix too because she's mildly naive so I can totally blow her mind and she has perky boobs.
Turtle: I don't know if this adds or detracts from the thread, but I just woke up from a dream in which Wayne Brady was the first black James Bond
I have no idea what it meant but the movie was pretty good.
Paul Mooney was the bad guy in it.
Man, he hated Wayne.
Josh: wayne brady's not black. duh.
Turtle: Wayne Brady makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcom X
Ian: I would like to subscribe to Bonnie's newsletter.
kali: MOUTH BABY ahahahahah. oh my god i love it. jesus i'd have hundreds of thousands of tiny children running around on this green earth.
Josh: IT WAS MOOOOONEY!
And so ends another productive brainstorming session of Group LNT. Most of the time we do this, we actually nail down a topic and give you the answers to the question we have decided to take on but this weeks topic just couldn't seem to get out of the gutter.
After all, it was about screwing videogame characters...
They hell you think it would go?