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Fly Me to the Moon in a Tuna Can
by Lovemonkey Jolie
I keep buying stuff that I have to put together. It's a sickness, a disease, a condition. Assemblitis Yourselfococcus. I guess I have not yet reached that status in life where one gets to buy furniture completely put together by someone else. Most people get there shortly after college, but not me. I'm barely over the futon phase. But I think I'm almost there, not because I've grown up, but that I've grown old, impatient and my body hurts. Not to mention that I'm a complete retard when it comes to assembly. I'm not kidding. I have a disability in this area that has me pretty convinced I'll be boarding the train to Social Assistance Land any time now.
Yesterday I bought a very simple thingy to put my small television (circa 1998 complete with VHS player) on. It has some shelves, about the height of a coffee table. No big deal, right? Well, you're talking to someone who is simply not handy. At all. No, wait. Let me introduce myself properly. Hello, my name is Not Handy But I Fucking Refuse to Accept My Limitations. Nice to meet you.
So I bought it (and then pulled every muscle in my body hauling it) and all went well and then all went wrong and to make a long story short - it's assembled but don't breathe on it. Basically I'm putting heavy stuff on the shelves to make it more sturdy. It's reminiscent of those makeshift shelves with the concrete blocks and planks of wood - yeah, steady like that as long as you don't ever ever ever take any of the books out. Or stare at it too much.
Now I'm here to say "Never Again" (in quotes because I actually said it aloud) which as you know by now is a statement that roughly translates to I'm going to renovate my entire condo by myself starting with the bathroom and to save money I'll get a make it yourself toilet and jacuzzi set from one of those warehouse stores you need a membership to shop in and that sell really large muffins in packages no smaller than 3 dozen. For a buck. But only if you have a card. Really. They're not kidding. No card, no mutant muffins. Oh yeah, and your bag will be checked on the way out to make sure you didn't lift a little something extra, like maybe a can of tuna the size of a small spaceship.
Anyway, during my travels to stores too ghetto to sell things assembled, I noticed that LCD televisions are quite inexpensive now and I think maybe it's time to retire my 1998 Sharp for a lovely sleek new set. I don't really watch television, as you know, and I especially don't watch television in bed since although I am currently awake at 3:30 am, I am NOT awake at 11:00 pm. Or even 10:30 sometimes. So basically it's pointless to even have a television in my bedroom, or even a thingy to put it on, for that matter. But the LCD televisions are kinda pretty so I'll probably end up getting one, just to stare at the blank screen and think first of all how pretty it is, and then how sad it is, you know, having a television in the bedroom and all, and then decide I'm not quite as sad as most people with bedroom TVs since I never turn it on.
But the cats and candles. Well if sad could scream.
I'd have to have a little talk with it and ask it not to because I'm pretty sure the vibration would be enough to topple this whole barely assembled mess to the ground.