For Bruce Springsteen...
by Turtle Jones
I like it when Editor's Picks get decided without me. This decision on what to write about is so much easier when I don't get to decide. "Here Turtle. Write about this," is much easier than actually having to think of a topic. My brain is not wired that way. That is why I think I would make a good communist. Think about it. I don't like to work, I like vodka, and Dr. Zhivago is one of my favorite movies.
Comarade Turtle has a good ring to it, too.
So this list is dedicated to the proletariat.
1. What is your favorite word?
After you hear the song and the way it just pops out of his mouth, you too will be saying anything with the letters "gl" in it just the way Ludacris wants us to say them.
And then Ludicris will have won.
2. What is your least favorite word?
Any word that uses three or more syllables to describe something that really only requires one.
Let me give you an example.
I have to defecate vs I have to shit in the rabbit hole.
Clearly in this example, defecate is a poor choice of a word and thusly must feel my wrath.
3. What turns you on [creatively, spiritually or emotionally]?
The smell of the rain coming in on a cold night. I have no idea why it makes me breathe in so deep. I look around and just smile.
It only happens about once or twice a year, but when it happens, it is like liquid cocaine.
4. What turns you off?
People who don't respect others. Pretty simple. Well, not really. It gets pretty deep but I think the bottom line is people who can't say "thank you."
Don't know why that pisses me off so much, but it does.
5. What is your favorite curse word?
Son of a bitch followed closely by the all important god dammit. I guess if the phrase "that's all fucked up" or "the fuck is the matter with you" can be included, they are on the top of my list.
6. What sound or noise do you love?
The city. Not like jackhammers or that kind of shit. Just city noises. Cars, people talking, random gunshots and those funky dancehall beats.
7. What sound or noise do you hate?
Silence. Lest my brain start talking and lord knows, that ain't no good. Last time it started talking to me, I built some sort of small cage with wheels on it hooked up to a car battery.
I'm not sure what it was for, but I am assuming I was going to be either torturing some cats or getting into the white slave trade business.
Whatever is was going to be....bad juju was sure to follow.
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
I want to be a crabber!
For the record, next year when all you nay-sayers come to me asking to borrow some of my $100,000 I made while I was crabbing, you can all kiss my ass seven ways to Satan cause I crabbed for Satan and you didn't!
I crab for Satan!!
And so I shall!
9. What profession would you not like to do?
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
You can drink again.
And now for our Ten Quick Questions. I'm not really sure which ones I like better, but in all reality, does it really matter?
1. Who are you?
Or anything that ends in "ard" for that matter.
Bastard. Retard. Dullard.
You get the picture.
2. Zombies - undead monstrosity or the next logical step in human evolution?
The next generation in babysitters.
See, thinking like this is the kind of shit that gets me in trouble. Some stupid little kid is gonna go ahead and get her ass bit by my "Zombie Mommies"(c) and then her momma is going to sue me and I'll end up like Naven in The Jerk with just a Thermos and a bunch of black relatives.
At least I'll get to fuck Bernadette Peters and that ain't so bad.
Maybe she could tell me about all the cool things that happened at Studio 54.
3. Young Elvis or Fat Elvis?
Can we mix these last two questions up? Cause I like Zombie Elvis. That would be cool. You could hire him for like weddings or birthdays or whatever things those Jewish people celebrate are.
4. If you were a superhero, what would your name be?
Tampon Boy!!! I would have the ability to expand to nearly three times my original size! Protect the world from unwanted drips and I would get to live in a pussy!
5. You are the last man on earth, and it is your job to perpetuate the human race, whether you like it or not. Your choice of potential mates is between Wonder Woman, the Bionic Woman, Super Girl or Wilma Flintstone. Which one do you choose?
Cause she looks like she is under 16.
And I'm into that.
6. What was your first car?
A short bus.
7. If you were going to show me around your city/town, where's the first place you would take me?
Well, I would take you to see the Amityville horror house but seeing as I have lived here for fucking five months and no one has shown it to me, good luck seeing it, motherfucker. Here is the local Taco Bell instead.
8. What's the last album you bought?
I don't buy albums. They buy me.
9. Do you have an arch enemy? Would you like one?
The Easter Bunny.
She knows what that bastard did to me last year.
10. What's the title of the movie they are going to make about your teenage years?
I Wonder If This Will Get Me High, Part 2
It would have to star Mr. Patrick Swayze and someone from Little House on the Prairie. Guess it doesn't matter which one. Hell, give the role to Alison Arngrim. She's not doing much but dinner theater nowadays and for actors, dinner theater is one step above giving blowjobs for crack. So I'd like her to be in my movie.
So those are the answers to the questions I was presented. For some strange reason, I think they weren't quite the answers you were looking for but whi in the hell cares anyways.
Ignore the man behind the curtain.
Also, I would like to give a shout out to the cutest niece in the world for being one year old and, more importantly, being related to me. Sure, I am a few days late in wishing a happy birthday, but fuck man, I am a turtle. Get used to it.
Happy birthday, Stacey.