From the Uber's Corner Vault
by Branden Hart
My buddy AT helped me come up with some ideas for this one. Merry Christmas everybody!
The Christmas Rooster
It had been a devastating autumn for the animals in Deep Forest. There had been an E. Coli outbreak at Duck’s restaurant and he was forced to cancel his Holiday Feast. A flu pandemic had at least half of the animals sick in bed, and had Dr. Fox practically living at the hospital. And to top it off, the year’s harvest was far less than in previous years, and the animals often fought amongst themselves over how to split up the meager supplies.
But the days before Christmas weren’t all sorrow and sadness. Some animals were still able to maintain a cheerful holiday spirit. The Buffalo Brothers cooked up some of their special holiday berry wine for everyone to enjoy. Percy Porcupine was giving away emergency contraceptives at the free clinic. And the Grasshopper family had decorated the Hollow in bright lights and fancy ornaments, for they planned to have everyone in Deep Forest come and enjoy a holiday feast at their home.
There were three animals, however, that couldn't quite keep their spirits up. The Hen sisters, Helen, Haley, and Honey, could be seen every day on the porch of the house they shared, braving the cold and complaining about cocks.
"There hasn't been a single cock in Deep Forest since I can remember!" opined Haley.
"You're telling me," replied Honey. "This girl needs a nice cock to make her happy."
"That's what we need for Christmas—a big cock," said Helen.
Despite seeing the Hen sisters complaining about the lack of roosters in Deep Forest, its citizens kept about their daily business, busying themselves for the upcoming holiday. But their spirits would be broken soon, when, on Christmas Eve, Bird called a meeting with all the animals to deliver some bad news.
"Where did all the food go?" demanded Dr. Fox.
"How are we going to survive?" chirped Dad Grasshopper.
"Who is responsible for this?" shouted Brian Buffalo.
"I am," said a deep voice from the back of the Hollow. Amongst hushed murmurs, everyone turned and looked as a large, plump, beautiful rooster stood, shook out his gorgeous feathers, and began to strut to stand next to Bird.
"My friends, I am Richard Rooster, and it is I who was responsible for your supplies. Alas, I was set upon in the Grasslands outside of Deep Forest by the roving bands of Elvis-impersonating transvestites. They took everything in my caravan. Why, I wasn't sure I myself would make it here to be with you tonight."
A hush fell over the crowd. Bird shook his little head. "It seems that Deep Forest isn't the only place that has been trampled upon by the horrible weather this year," he said. "People are desperate even outside of Deep Forest!"
"What are we going to do for food?" yelled Dad Grasshopper.
Bird held his head up high until the din died down. "My friends, we are Deep Forest, and we will survive. We may just have to do so in a different way than in years past." The air filled with growls and groans. "Nevertheless," said Bird, raising his voice and hushing the crowd, "we must show our appreciation to Richard Rooster for putting his life in danger for our sake."
"Please," said Richard as he turned to Bird and shook his hand, "call me Dick."
"Fine then," said Bird. "Dick it is. Now, is there anyone who can handle Dick for the night? I know we all have our houses full, but if any of you have a place for Dick…"
"We do!" shouted three very similar voices from the back of the Hollow.
Yes, the Hen sisters, always hospitable and willing to put up a traveling cock, had volunteered their services for the evening.
"There's always room for a cock at the Hen house!" assured Honey.
"Ladies, I thank you," said Richard. "But as you can see, I've had my share of sweet bread and berry wine in my time, and I'm a little larger than I'd like to be." Richard patted his big, full belly. "I doubt that you will have a place large enough for me to sleep."
"Oh," blushed Haley, "there's no cock too big for the Hen sisters."
"Very well," said Bird as the other animals slumped out of the Hollow. "Richard…er…Dick shall be welcome in Deep Forest for as long as he needs to stay."
And so it was. That night, Richard went home with the Hen sisters, and all the animals in Deep Forest went to bed hungrier than they had been when they woke up that morning.
The next day was Christmas Eve. Percy Porcupine was cleaning out the abortion vacuum when he heard a knock at the door of the free clinic. It was Haley Hen.
"It burns when I pee," she said, shifting on her feet. "I think I might have caught something from that cock I was with last night."
Percy welcomed her in and had her in the back room giving a urine sample when there was another knock on the door. It was Honey Hen.
"I have bumps all over me…down there," she sighed. "I think there was something wrong with that Dick last night."
Percy took her to room one and had just taken a tissue sample when there was another knock on the door. It was Helen Hen.
"Look at my beak!" she said, pointing to the small read blisters popping up all over. "I knew I shouldn't have put Dick in my mouth."
Sure enough, all three of the Hen sisters had some kind of STD. They were all distraught, even though Percy assured them that through preventive medication, they could live their entire lives and never know they even had whatever Richard had given them.
As the three trudged home in the snow, discussing negative side effects and how they hated Dick, they met Dr. Fox. He was sad, because he didn't have anything to bring over to the Grasshopper's house for the Christmas feast the next day.
When they turned on the street to their house, they met Brian Buffalo. He was sad, for there would be no delicious sweet bread to go with his berry wine at the feast the next day.
Finally, they spotted Dad Grasshopper as they passed by the hollow. He was sad, for he did not think he could manage to have the Christmas feast at all.
"Ladies, there isn't any food in all of Deep Forest," he sighed. "I think we should all just consider Christmas cancelled this year."
The Hen sisters sat on their porch, as they always did, and talked. They talked for hours. And while Richard Rooster was inside sleeping, they came up with a plan.
Christmas morning came, and around Deep Forest, little animals woke up, but were too hungry to enjoy their presents. Stockings were hung by the chimney, but were not filled with the delicious candies that were normally there. It looked as if Christmas in Deep Forest was ruined, until Helen Hen's voice rang out through the streets.
"Merry Christmas everyone! The feast starts in two hours!"
Before long, all of Deep Forest was crowded around the porch of the Hen house, sniffing the wonderful scents wafting out. Just as the crowd began to get rowdy, Helen, Honey, and Haley stepped out of the front door.
"We have a feast prepared for you!" said Helen. "It isn't much, but it should be enough to restore the Christmas spirit to us all!"
"Merry Christmas everyone!" shouted Honey.
"Now come on in, and enjoy the meal!" said Haley, stepping aside.
On a table inside the house was a beautiful setup. There were aromatic candles burning, bright colored wreaths with the fauna of the season, and a giant plate of succulent, shredded meat that was enough to make everyone in Deep Forest at least a little full, and give all the children the energy they needed to go back home and enjoy their presents.
"This is wonderful," mumbled Bird through mouthfuls of the stuff.
"I've never eaten meat so tender!" praised Dr. Fox.
"Where's Richard?" asked Percy.
"Shut up Percy!" yelled all three sisters at once.
"I mean," said Honey when the room had fallen silent, "he left hours ago. Had a family of his own to tend to."
People continued to eat merrily.
"Honey, you have to give me the recipe for this," said Mom Grasshopper.
"Me too!" said Brian Buffalo. "What is this?"
"Tastes like chicken," said Percy.
"Shut UP Percy!" yelled the sisters again.
This time, everyone stopped eating, and stared at the sisters. Bird looked at his handful of meat and turned to them.
"Ladies, we aren't eating Richard Rooster, are we?"
The sisters all shook their heads. "No, no," said Haley. "Like we said, he left today."
"Then what is this?" asked Bird.
"It's…um…" Helen stumbled to find words.
"It's…it's cat. That's right, we're eating cat meat."
"Cat meat?!?" yelped Bird. "But cat meat is tough, and stringy."
"Well, we basted it several times," replied Honey.
"Oh!" said Bird, who then shrugged, and began to dig in again.
Indeed, that night, everyone finished all of the meat, and the Hen sisters went from being the old, grumpy women they were once known as, to Christmas saviors. People left their house full, happy, and ready to enjoy the holidays as the holidays were meant be enjoyed.
The moral of the story is: sometimes, the only thing that can get people in the holiday spirit is a little bit of cock inside.
Merry Christmas from Uberchief and FTTW!