My Travels Among the Mormons
by Dave in Texas

I arrived in Salt Lake City, home of the Great Salt Lake, which incidentally was the original name of the city, it later being abbreviated to just Salt Lake City. This is the manner of abbreviation for the Latter Day Saints. If you have a four word name, cut it by 25% and there you have it. Great Salt Lake City is now tidily abbreviated to Salt Lake City. Done and done.

I suppose this should not be considered an unusual practice for the members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Given the official name of their organized religion, they do seem fond of exposition. Well, while they may struggle with word conservation, never let it be said you don’t know what they mean. It isn’t just a Salt Lake. It is a Great Salt Lake. Very Great. Huge in fact.

I was struck by the size of the airport. It isn’t terribly large. I’m sure it suffices, but there are quite a number of ski resorts in the area, and in fact this was the host city for the 2002 Winter Olympics. My first thought was, what a beautiful wintry setting for the Winter games. Lovely snow, beautiful mountain ranges.

My second thought was “how in the hell did they get all those people through here”? Gracious, there are only 5 baggage claim carousels.

The first Caucasian to visit the area is believed to be the explorer Jim Bridger in 1825. I’m sure he wondered the same as I, could you handle the Olympic traffic here? Later U.S. Army officer John C. Frémont surveyed the Great Salt Lake and the Salt Lake Valley in 1843 and 1845. Someone also told me the Donner party stopped nearby for lunch on their way to California, but I haven’t confirmed that.

Then came the Latter Day Saints, led by their church leader Brigham Young, who upon seeing the location in a vision, declared “Lafayette, we are here”!

The next few decades are a bit of a blur. The settlers felt that Nevada would be a good addition to the territory, and appealed for statehood. The Congress replied “perhaps so” but cut the area back down to the size of Utah and declared it a territory in waiting. All this while waiting for the Saints to come to some middle ground, a compromise if you will, on the issue of how many wives a man might have while still walking the earth.

Frankly I do not understand their thinking in this regard. If a man chooses to make himself miserable through one marriage, he deserves every bit of grief a second, third or fourth delivers upon him. I do not see this as an issue of Federalism, so much as some sort of psychotic recidivism. A man usually learns from his mistakes, but a latter day Saint applies mistakes as self-discipline.

Anyway, President Buchanan got a bee in his bonnet and declared the territory to be in rebellion and for a while it was on beeyotch. Many unpleasantries were exchanged, some at the point of a gun. Eventually the issue was resolved and in their 1890 Manifesto, the LDS officially renounced the practice of excessive misery through multiple concurrent marriages. Peace broke out, and there was much rejoicing.

mormons.jpgI traveled south to Orem, home of the great University founded by Mr. Young. It was a Monday, Presidents Day, and as I wandered and explored I noticed the strong influence of the LDS almost everywhere. Even at the liquor store. Yes, Utah has liquor stores. These are operated by an arm of the state government, and are referred to as “State of Utah Liquor Stores”, which is consistent with their practice of using exactly the number of words you need to understand what this thing is. The first thing I noticed was they open at eleven in the morning and close at seven in the evening.

The second thing I noticed was they are closed on Presidents Day.

Damn it.

I will say that the people of Utah are gracious hosts, very pleasant and helpful. They are kind and considerate, and very white. With the exception of the indigenous peoples and Hispanic settlers, they are some of the whitest people I have met since my visit to Vermont or those gardeners in Connecticut; those folks were downright alabaster.

I do not recall seeing a single person of African descent, although I am toying with a theory that the layers of salt one acquires in the winter months might do a little bleaching of the skin. I will research this further.

After five days my journey came to an end. The weather had been quite exciting, and upon the day of my departure, it snowed heavily. Being a Texas boy, this was quite a lovely experience for me, watching the large flakes come flying down from the grey skies, collecting on the buildings, cars and ground. I sat in the teensy airport awaiting my departure, gazing out at the beautiful scene. There is something magical about a heavy snowfall, something peaceful and good, and it cheered me so to think I was going to beat it out of here before the rest of these poor souls get snowed in, and my connection through Denver was 6 hours ahead of the storm.

That was quite a comforting thought.

It is a good place, and I’m sure I will return.

With a heavier overcoat. And shoes that do not have leather soles. Those are quite useless in Utah in winter.

Dave is sticking to one marriage at a time. For now.



7pm?? fah-uck that.

ps. It wasn't until I re-read the article that I realized you were writing LDS and not LSD. It reads better as LSD.


I am married to a Mormon, which has proven to be weird and enlightening pretty much simultaneously.


One day these two mormon guys came to my house. I was going to close the door and pretend we weren't home but they looked so handsome in their suits and ties and gleaming smiles. I couldn't resist.

They were so nice and charming and cute that I was torn between converting there on the spot or inviting them in for "some lemonade."

They declined the lemonade.


My parents live in Idaho, so I fly into SLC when I visit them. It is indeed a strange place. We went to the Tabernacle and watched 7 weddings being held simultaneously...on a Tuesday.


I can answer that oddity for you, Uber.

The Mormons believe that you can have your marriages sealed for eternity in the temple. The most popular temple to have such weddings is the Salt Lake Temple. Therefore, weddings go on there seven days a week, all day long. It's quite a difficult thing to get into and you have to plan pretty far out in advance.

So, that's why you see so many weddings running through the place. It's worse than Vegas.


Interestingly (to me, anyway) they refer to those nice-looking youngsters who visit you as "Elders".


Never really have explored--or, okay, been in--Salt Lake City, but I have been in Utah. And there's a lot to be said for the southern part of the state and the National Parks there. Incredible, amazing landscape. Arches, Bryce Canyon, Zion. It really is amazing.

As for Mormons, I lived in a small town in Arizona for a year that had a large Mormon population. I was in 10th grade at the time and I never made many friends, but let me tell you, the Mormon kids seemed crazy. I heard stories of the things that went on in the woods. Repression--it just doesn't work.


a couple of questions:

1. the underwear. what's the deal with THAT?

2. knowing their rules about alcohol...if you're bangin' the porkchops outta some Mormon babe, should you only have ONE open beer on her forehead at a time, or is that an antiquated custom?


Utah is a strange place. Not just because of the LDS. It's just a weird geography.


Mormons quit the multiple wives thing shortly after they started it cuz it didn't take long for the men to realize that they couldn't HANDLE more than one woman at a time since women are the stronger of the two sexes. End of story.

Utah has some beautiful mountains!!!


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