Ace Frehley and Chris Carpenter? What the Hell?
by Jim Sells

You make the connection - I'm tired. Hell, it's obvious . . .

ccace.jpgTold y'all about the Brewers. Two-and-a-half up in the NL Central as I write this and the Cards are 1-6 at home so far this year. Now, that won't last (neither will Albert Pujols' .229 batting average) but none of the teams in that division can afford for any other team to get too big of a lead. Talent levels of the NL Central teams have started to reach a sort of equilibrium, what with no Rocket or Pettite in Houston and the Cards just suckin' into '07. I don't know if I like the Brewers in the NL Central but, then again, I don't know if I like ANYONE in the NL Central.

Every so often, MySpace is good for more than raising my BP like that shitespace does when it refuses to do a damn thing - not often but occasionally. One of those times recently was been when these guys here invited me to be their friend. I don't know if we're to the "sleep on my couch or eat my food" stage yet, but DAMN . . . I like some good power-pop, especially if you can hit me with harmonies like these. And, if your computer or (Heaven forbid) MySpace doesn't work with that link, the name is Locksley .

Don't believe the hype on the Blue Jays or the Orioles, the two early wannabe contenders for the AL East. Yes, the Yankees have problems (lack of starting pitching) as do the Red Sox (surprise! lack of starting pitching again) BUT, in Toronto, B.J. Ryan's elbow just blew up so it's the 60-day DL for him and closing by committee for the team. The Jays are also counting on Doc Halladay helping A.J .Burnett find the strike zone, which is like counting on hitting the lottery to keep the lights turned on. Lyle Overbay and Royce Clayton are overrated and if Greg Zaun is rated at all, that is TOO high.

As far as the Orioles are concerned, I don't care if Leo Mazzone is the secret identity of Doctor Strange - even black magic won't save this bunch. You can have a Kevin Millar or Melvin Mora here and there, aging ballplayers on the wrong sides of their peak values. What you cannot have is those two guys on a roster with Jay Gibbons and Chris Gomez as their backups for the when/if X-Y axes of age and injuries intersect as they seem to do every baseball season. For every Roger Clemens, there are twenty Kevin Browns. And, before all you Orioles' fans (OK, the three of you) crucify me, I know Aubrey Huff is no. 1 on the depth charts behind those two; they just don't have two of him on the roster, now do they?

I have a Clark Bar for anyone who can pull up anyone uglier in rock than Ace Frehley. Lemmy's close but I think the shock value of how ugly Ace was when they finally took off the makeup still lingers and gives him a slight ugly edge. All those adorable Spaceman years and then, SHIT! Put that back on! And I'm not talking quirky, homely or strange. It's 100% butt-ugly or nothing . . .

Chicago Cubs pitcher Mark Prior has had shoulder surgery. Think God hates the Cubs or what? They once had Kerry Wood, Mark Prior and Carlos Zambrano in the same rotation and it now appears the next time you see the three of them together and healthy at the same time might be a card signing in 2027 . . . speaking of suck, the sooner this season is over and Tampa Bay comes up with a new nickname, color scheme, whatever, the better. Their whole concept is terrible, even worse than Deep Purple without Ritchie Blackmore and almost as bad as Pink Floyd without Roger Waters or the Misfits without Glenn Danzig . . . Carl Pavano found an elbow strain. Ya fuckin' think? Four years for forty million and the Yankees would've ended up getting as many wins outta me over the course of that contract as they will out of him . . .

Albums/songs I'd forgotten about that really rock:

ace.jpgMansun - "Six"
Dandy Warhols - "Godless"
The Clash - "Koka-kola"
KISS - "Shock Me" and "Ladie's Room"
Chris Whitley - "Livin' With The Law" and you best recognize! God, this guy was so fucking good but that's an entire other column.

For the coming week, if you wear Cardinal red, you better get out your Chris Carpenter good juju voodoo doll. If he can't go, it's officially gonna be Bird Season in the NL. Oh, and if anyone needed to reproduce from the ranks of MLB, it's proud new papa Dontrelle Willis. Hell, the world needs about a million more people that have as good a time as he does just being alive. Congrats, Dontrelle.

Anyway, enough hearing my head roar. Y'all have got jobs and I've got a vodka drinking showdown with Ace which ought to be EPIC.

Stay outta trouble. I ain't got any bail money.

Nobody wants to be Peter Criss, Jim. Not even Peter Criss!

Never Liked the Beatles, Never Loved Elvis Archives


WOOT! You mentioned Chris Whitley! You kick ass! So does your column, by the way. :P


Heh, I now have a find someone uglier than Ace Frehley in rock....damn, i wish it were in general.....Charles Bukowski is pretty damn ugly....but you best get that Clark Bar ready....cause now I have a mission... (great article by the way)


There is one man uglier in Rock 'n' Roll. The disfigured, hunched over his keyboards like some manic gnome-wizard, Geddy Lee. I've got the DVD for Rush's 30th Anniversary Tour. He can still play, he can still screech, but the man is fugly.


Sorry guys. Winner right here.


Ugh ... he is horrid. :P


El Duce

if you have to ask...



one more for good measure


Go find Ace without make-up. There's a picture of him, pre-plastic surgery Gene Simmons and Scott Ian. Ugliness ruled.


I'm bowing out on finding a fugly guy in rock, other than those posted here and maybe the addition of Dee Snyder. I will, however, say great article.
As an aside- if you don't know Chris Whitley, go right now and listen immediately. Don't surf porn, don't pass go, don't collect $200. You will be richer with it under your musical belt.


Rev. Jim kicks ass and takes names.
Here's a partial list:

Angel, Percy, Nigel, Steve, Bruce, Carlisle, Jean-Pierre, Jaime, Morris, Terrance, Antoine, Maurice, Roderick, Vance, Paige and Nancy.

Rev. Jim invented the recipe for ice!

Rev. Jim is the best thing since algea.

Rev. Jim pees gasoline.


I've got the definitive list:
01. Shane MacGowan
02. G.G. Allin
03. Gene Simmons
04. Lemmy
05. Thom Yorke
06. Jim Skafish
07. Madonna
08. Alex Van Halen
10. GWAR
11. Roger Waters

Thanks to

- tc


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