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An Open Letter to Sheryl Crow
by Travis Gruber
Dear Sheryl Crow,
I recently read your statement regarding your ideas on how to better the environment and, young lady, I must say that I am indeed impressed. Your idea for everyone to use only one square of toilet paper per "session" was quite remarkable. Needless to say I found it quite disheartening when you later retracted said statement claiming that it was all a joke. A joke Ms. Crow? There is nothing funny about mother nature young lady and I am appalled that you would try to hide your love for this planet and its environment. You see Ms. Crow I actually believe that your idea didn't go far enough. While the thought of using one square of poop-tape per trip makes good sense I believe that it is still ecologically unsound.
If we can get these United States of America down to one square how hard would it be, really, to get them to abandon the idea of toilet paper all together? Sure it sounds like a weird idea but it seems to work for the middle east. All we have to do is establish the fact that from here on out everyone's left hand is now their wiping hand. The left hand shall be the dirty hand from here on out. Of course this means that an entire section of the population will be shunned forever but that's a small price to pay for mother nature. All children from here on out shall have their left hand tied behind their back to prevent them from becoming southpaws.
Until an entire generation can be trained; the current group of left handers shall be known as the unclean. Stinkfisting will no longer be a deviant sexual fetish but rather the appropriate greeting of The Unclean. Of course this can be advantageous to the current crop of left-handed pitchers in major league baseball. No longer will lefties be the kings of the slider; now they can throw the wicked, twisting, poo-ball. And what batter in their right mind is going to hit the poo-ball?
But we shall not stop at the proverbial brown eye. No ma’am. Mother nature doesn’t stop caring when you stop pooping; Ms. Crow. While getting used to the idea of having a handful of man-mud is a bit weird and ooky; I believe it can be done. Likewise there is another personal hygiene product which has proven to be extremely destructive to our environment and, as a woman, you should be very familiar with it: TAMPONS!
Tampons are made of – as far as I can tell – cotton; and cotton is made from, you guessed correctly, little fluffy bunnies. This is of course based on the four and a half seconds of research I did by remembering a song we used to sing when I was a child.
“Here comes Peter Cotton Tail…” Read that again – COTTON. If it weren’t true then it wouldn’t be in a kids song.
I’m sure your first thought would be the female vagina diapers known as maxi-pads but young lady look at how much more cotton those use. The more tampons and maxi-pads that are used in our society the more cute fuzzy bunnies have to be killed. Are you willing to do that Sheryl? Are you willing to have the blood of fluffy little rabbits on your hands in order to sanitize your woman-hole? Well neither am I. I do understand though that it would be completely socially irresponsible for women to walk around just bleeding everywhere so a solution must be found.
Ms. Crow; I – like you – am a forward thinking individual and I have already thought of a solution. Mother nature never presents an issue that mother nature can’t solve. I was walking through the Tahoe national forest the other day and it was as if the answer to my dilemma just dropped out of the sky – literally.
They are shaped, sort of, like a tampon which means that they would be conforming to your womanly front-butt and they are 100% natural. I would see it as an affront to our planet if people were to go pick pine cones off of the trees as that would be painful to Mother Earth. But there’s nothing wrong with picking up pine cones up off the ground. We could hire people to wander the pine forests picking up “New-Tampons” and while they are earning money and providing a sanitation solution they are also beautifying the wilderness. Look at all of the good that can done there. Surely you can see the benefits.
But this, dear woman, is not the greatest idea that I have had since what I like to call “My Great Awakening”. There is one great and pressing threat to Mother Nature that has gone completely overlooked in all of this global warming, Al Gore inventing the internet, Don Imus fiasco. This virtual WMD against our planet is so obvious but somehow so easily overlooked. The greatest pressing threat to mother earth is people. Yes people. You and me.
I know that this must be hard to fathom from the comfort of your personal tour bus (by the way – did you by carbon offsets for that thing? I know you need a diesel burning luxury land yacht to travel around the country but make sure you buy plenty of carbon offsets. ) but we people are the worst thing to ever happen to Gaia. People are responsible for everything horrible thing that happens here on earth. As such I propose we get rid of the problem.
Everyone on earth needs to die. That’s really the only option. If you think about it Hitler probably wasn’t a genocidal maniac. He was probably a staunch conservationist who realized that people were the greatest threat to our world – not terrorism or the erosion of civil liberties. Surely as an environmentalist you must feel some sort of kinship with Hitler as each of you wish to do more for mother earth by ridding the planet of those who destroy it with such a willy-nilly attitude.
In closing Sheryl I just wanted to say thank you for starting the environmental revolution. Had it not been for your sound thinking and foresight alternative means of fighting the evils that plague mother earth probably never would have come to light. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go email Al Gore. I understand he’s on the hunt for what is probably the second most pressing threat to this world: MAN-BEAR-PIG
Your bestest friend
Travis only uses biodegradable tampons