There's a whole thing going on in the news this week about an artist, some chocolate and an iconic religious figure. Yea, the chocolate Jesus thing.

This guy needs to get a late pass because someone came up with the blasphemous idea of a chocolate Jesus SIX years ago.

That someone is ME.

I always knew I was ahead of my time.

It was Easter time 2001 when the idea hit. I had been listening to Bill Hicks and he was ranting about Easter and how the modern symbols of this religious holiday (bunnies, chocolate) don't really speak the meaning of the holiday.

So, being the sacrilegious atheist that I am, I began devising a plan to bring Easter and chocolaty goodness together in a way that made more sense.

Of course. A Chocolate Jesus.

I started melting chocolate and figuring out a way to mold it into shape. I stuck a blob of melted chocolate in the freezer and waited until it was not quite frozen and a bit pliable. Then I began working on my masterpiece.

I'm not a very good artist, and I'm sure he looked more like Charles Manson than Jesus Christ when I was done, but lo and behold, two hours later I had myself a Chocolate Jesus.

I had toyed with the idea of making a crown of thorns out of spun sugar, but decided against it. Not because it was improper, but because I haven't the slightest clue how to make spun sugar.

Now, how does one go about eating a chocolate Jesus? With the chocolate bunnies, you generally eat the ears first. So that's what I did. I ate Jesus's ears. The next logical step would be the tail. But of course, Jesus doesn't have a tail. So I started chomping on his lower half. And the lapsed Catholic in me heard the words in my head:

"Body of Christ, Amen."

It was good chocolate. I kept eating.

I ate his head and his arms and the the remnants of his robe.

And then I made another. I decided I would give them out for the holidays. No, no. I would sell them for the holidays. What a grand idea.

But somehow it never happened. I think I ate every chocolate Jesus I made. 20 pounds and one handbasket to hell later, I gave up on the idea.

So now Easter is approaching again and chocolate Jesus is making headlines, I'm thinking the time is right to put mine out on the market. I just need the right marketing tools. I need a slogan.

Melts in Your Mouth, Not in Your Hymn Book!
Body of Christ: Now available in Krispy!

If it turns out there is a hell, I am sure I will be there. But I'll be in good company at least.

No Catholics were harmed in the making of this article.

Archives

| Permalink | Del.icio.us It | Fark It | Digg It| Stumble It!