Jesus Christ, SuperBar
by Michele Christopher

There's a whole thing going on in the news this week about an artist, some chocolate and an iconic religious figure. Yea, the chocolate Jesus thing.

This guy needs to get a late pass because someone came up with the blasphemous idea of a chocolate Jesus SIX years ago.

That someone is ME.

I always knew I was ahead of my time.

It was Easter time 2001 when the idea hit. I had been listening to Bill Hicks and he was ranting about Easter and how the modern symbols of this religious holiday (bunnies, chocolate) don't really speak the meaning of the holiday.

So, being the sacrilegious atheist that I am, I began devising a plan to bring Easter and chocolaty goodness together in a way that made more sense.

Of course. A Chocolate Jesus.

I started melting chocolate and figuring out a way to mold it into shape. I stuck a blob of melted chocolate in the freezer and waited until it was not quite frozen and a bit pliable. Then I began working on my masterpiece.

I'm not a very good artist, and I'm sure he looked more like Charles Manson than Jesus Christ when I was done, but lo and behold, two hours later I had myself a Chocolate Jesus.

I had toyed with the idea of making a crown of thorns out of spun sugar, but decided against it. Not because it was improper, but because I haven't the slightest clue how to make spun sugar.

chocojesus.jpgNow, how does one go about eating a chocolate Jesus? With the chocolate bunnies, you generally eat the ears first. So that's what I did. I ate Jesus's ears. The next logical step would be the tail. But of course, Jesus doesn't have a tail. So I started chomping on his lower half. And the lapsed Catholic in me heard the words in my head:

"Body of Christ, Amen."

It was good chocolate. I kept eating.

I ate his head and his arms and the the remnants of his robe.

And then I made another. I decided I would give them out for the holidays. No, no. I would sell them for the holidays. What a grand idea.

But somehow it never happened. I think I ate every chocolate Jesus I made. 20 pounds and one handbasket to hell later, I gave up on the idea.

So now Easter is approaching again and chocolate Jesus is making headlines, I'm thinking the time is right to put mine out on the market. I just need the right marketing tools. I need a slogan.

Melts in Your Mouth, Not in Your Hymn Book!
Body of Christ: Now available in Krispy!

If it turns out there is a hell, I am sure I will be there. But I'll be in good company at least.

No Catholics were harmed in the making of this article.





Oh Sweet Jesus

Now with holy fudge


Whenever pressed I simply tell people that I'm a Catholic Taoist with leanings toward Celtic Paganism. This amuses the Taoists and the Pagans and annoys the Catholics and thus, my work is done.

Ya know what pisses me off though? If this had been a chocolate Mohammed for Ramadan, the press would have lost their minds.


Put it on ice cream and it's a chocolate Jesus sundae. Add sprinkles and whipped cream on top and you have a chocolate Jesus sundae with crucifixins.


I would kill for a delicious chocolate Jesus right about now.

By the way, the ears? Too small. It must've been hard eating those. I would've just bit the whole head off. Technically, you're still starting with the ears.


Crucifixins....... oh yeah. Makes me think of hamburger fixins, which makes me think of Jesus burgers. And that would be actual flesh. Easier to imagine you're actually eating the body of Christ.

And I can't believe I'm the first one to say sacrilicious.


Didn't you make Jesus Peeps that year too??? I think that is the name of some Christian Rap Group - Jesus Peeps! Foshnizzle my Jesuizzle!!


you'd think maybe the Fundamentalists [are Catholics Fundamentalists? i'll leave that to you, people] would appreciate the irony here. how their most sacred celebration is commercialized to the point where it's lost its meaning.

i mean, maybe the artist was commenting on that loss of meaning.

but then he let the blueberries blow in the breeze, so to speak.

once balls enter the equation, well...that changes everything.


a dark chocolate jesus. Antioxidants and all that.


Sure, it's fun to eat, but it's even more fun to shit out the next day.


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