Jesus Christ, SuperBar
by Michele Christopher
There's a whole thing going on in the news this week about an artist, some chocolate and an iconic religious figure. Yea, the chocolate Jesus thing.
This guy needs to get a late pass because someone came up with the blasphemous idea of a chocolate Jesus SIX years ago.
That someone is ME.
I always knew I was ahead of my time.
So, being the sacrilegious atheist that I am, I began devising a plan to bring Easter and chocolaty goodness together in a way that made more sense.
Of course. A Chocolate Jesus.
I started melting chocolate and figuring out a way to mold it into shape. I stuck a blob of melted chocolate in the freezer and waited until it was not quite frozen and a bit pliable. Then I began working on my masterpiece.
I'm not a very good artist, and I'm sure he looked more like Charles Manson than Jesus Christ when I was done, but lo and behold, two hours later I had myself a Chocolate Jesus.
I had toyed with the idea of making a crown of thorns out of spun sugar, but decided against it. Not because it was improper, but because I haven't the slightest clue how to make spun sugar.
Now, how does one go about eating a chocolate Jesus? With the chocolate bunnies, you generally eat the ears first. So that's what I did. I ate Jesus's ears. The next logical step would be the tail. But of course, Jesus doesn't have a tail. So I started chomping on his lower half. And the lapsed Catholic in me heard the words in my head:
"Body of Christ, Amen."
It was good chocolate. I kept eating.
I ate his head and his arms and the the remnants of his robe.
And then I made another. I decided I would give them out for the holidays. No, no. I would sell them for the holidays. What a grand idea.
But somehow it never happened. I think I ate every chocolate Jesus I made. 20 pounds and one handbasket to hell later, I gave up on the idea.
So now Easter is approaching again and chocolate Jesus is making headlines, I'm thinking the time is right to put mine out on the market. I just need the right marketing tools. I need a slogan.