by The Pirate
Several months ago, I got a little fed up with the spam constantly hammering my Yahoo email account. One day, I had three, or four of those “African Lawyer” emails right in a row, lined up like fucking overdue payment notices in my mailbox. I forwarded them to each other. I thought I was being cute. A few days later, I had four more. This time, I took the first one and read it. It was such a lousy attempt that I mailed the dude back to complain and well, came up with a better idea in the process. He mailed me back! It seems he likes the idea, I think especially the part about hot chicks. So he wants to work together and I’m going to string him along for all its worth AND publish it for the entertainment value. I’ve just cut these right out of my emails to him and switched the order so you can read top to bottom. Here’s our correspondence, to-date:
I am Barrister Richard Wilson, I am the personal attorney to Mr. Patrick a National of your country who works with a petroleum Company in Europe and he is known and referred to as my Client, he died along with his entire family of a wife and two childrens in a car accident. Since we heard of his death, I have made several enquires to his embassy to locate any of my clients extended relatives but all my efforts proved unsuccessful and to no avail. After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to track his last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you.
Now my contacts to you is to assist me in repatriating his money which is been lodged in a security/Finance company in a trunk box in Europe, before the money will be confiscated or declared unserviceable by the security/Finance company where he deposit this money valued about $20,500,000 (Twenty Million Five Hundred thousand United States Dollars) More importantly, the security/finance company where the deceased client deposited this huge sum of money has served me a write of notice to provide the NEXT OF KIN of my client or the (money) will be confiscated and send to the government treasury as unclaimed funds. Since I have tried and failed on several occasions in locating his relatives I am now seeking for your consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased so that the money will be paid to you while I will come over to your country for the sharing. I will take 45% while you will take 45% and 5% will be for any expenses incurred during the transaction and the remaining 5% will go to any charity organization.
All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you and I from any breach of the law. Finally, if this business interest you, please get in touch with me immediately via my private email address or telephone for security reasons, I will welcome messages that come only from my private email address and telephone. Also indicate to me your contact phone and fax numbers to enable me call you immediately for more information. PLEASE, I RESPECT CONFIDENTIALITY AND I WOULD LIKE YOU TO RESPECT THE CONFIDENTIALITY OF THIS TRANSACTION.
I await your urgent response to this message.
Dear Barrister Richard Wilson,
I would offer just a few words of advise to you:
3) Only an idiot would believe that they could pose as someone else for the purposes of fraud and not breach any laws in this country, or in Europe. Since variations of this scam have been ongoing for years, you need some fresh material-a new angle, anything not quite so tired as this one. Try good old check fraud, phishing, or conventional ID theft-whatever, just don’t insult me by saying we can pull this off, legally. Hey man, I’m always up for a good scam, but this shit is LAME.
Or, you could ignore all this good advise and just put in lots of porn shots. A nice set of tits is an excellent method of distraction and misdirection. That’s why the successful magician usually has a hot fucking assistant. You know-he’s pulling a white dove out of his ass while your oogling her awesome rack.
Wait, that’s it! You could run the whole scam around a nice set of BOOBS. THIS is a good idea! Dude, I’m with you on this. Lets see, say your representing this poor hot blonde widow who’s been wrongfully imprisoned in a Lagos jail. Yeah, then you slip in pics of said hottie tied up in some sort of interesting position that shows off her tight ass and mighty fine rack, right? Then, um, give her a couple of hot daughters that need a place to stay in the states while we work out the financial details instead of offering to come over, yourself. I mean really, I’m sure you’re a fine-looking man but I’d take a couple of hot daughters over your ugly old ass any day of the week-no offense. Think about it. If you had the choice to hook up with someone while while pulling off a case of fraud, would you rather it was a grey-haired, fat-ass, Sengalese lawyer or a couple of young hotties all broken up over their wrongfully imprisoned mommy? THIS is a scam. THIS can work.
So, what do you say? I dig Dakar, man. We could always meet at the Miramar, over on the Plateau, off of Rue FÃlix Faure. Know the place? The bartender’s name is Ragu Snot. He’s the short, fair-haired fellow with the tattoo of a snake eating a baby. He’s a nice guy, but a shitty bartender and has a predilection for buggering small animals. Order only bottled beer and don’t squeak like a chipmunk. Later, a drive down to the Cap Manuel, or North for a day out at Ile De Yoff to hammer out the details?? Ever been to La Siesta at Hann, Bel air, Cambérène, Parcelles Assainies? The terrace view is to die for. Anyway, are you willing to work together on this? It would cost you nothing financially and I can assure you that we can draft an agreement that would be executed legitimately, with no breach of the law by you or I.
I would only require your private bank account number along with your credit card numbers and expiration dates. While your at it, give me those little, 3 digit numbers on the back, too. Just in case I need to send you money or make a monthly payment on your cards as a gesture of good faith. You know the routine, man. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge;)
Finally, if this business interests you, please get in touch with me immediately via my private email address or telephone for security reasons, I will welcome messages that come only from my private email address and telephone. Also indicate to me your contact phone and fax numbers to enable me call you immediately for more information. PLEASE, I RESPECT CONFIDENTIALITY AND I WOULD LIKE YOU TO RESPECT THE CONFIDENTIALITY OF THIS TRANSACTION.
ps. Sorry I borrowed the last paragraph from you. It sounded pretty good and makes me feel impotant.
BARRISTER RICHARD WILSON.
Dear Mr. Nugent,
I am Barrister Richard Wilson, the personal attorney to Mr. Patrick who corresponded with you in October of 2006. Mr. Patrick remains to be known as my Client, who has died, along with his entire family in a tragic car accident.
As I have told you in our correspondence in October that I have been unsuccessful many times to locate the family and to contact respected citizens of your country such as yourself. However your response to my inquiries of
You may not be a Barrister, sir but you speak well and have good knowledge of my country and Dakar and our business. These things are important for me to insure my Clients money can be successfully repatriated for the full amount of Twenty Million Five Hundred thousand United States Dollars. I would hope you to be kind enough to wish to help me as you state in your reply to me. You have made many good suggestions that are helpful to my cause of helping my client and I believe working with you will be a large value to you and I. Your knowledge of my country is most interesting and I would learn how you might know of Dakar and the Cap Manuel. Were you a National in my country, previously? My efforts are not stopping to bring my Clients loving money to your country.
I am wondering if you can assist me to find a respectable person as you in your country that can be presented as the next of kin to the deceased to the security/finance company. I am saying that we will conduct a legitimate transaction for this person if we can use your ideas to help us in our cause for my Client. I do not wish to be to be untruthful to any citizen of your country with using females to insure help for my client but my associates agree it to work for the good of you and I. We can protect you from any breach of the law and we will not offer a 5% for charity organization, as you suggest and can offer the 5% to you for the good help and ideas. I will take 50% and the remaining 45% can be divided as you want between you and a good person you will find to help us in our cause.
You are willing to organize the efforts and information of your respected citizen and you may welcome a visit to Dakar to view my seriousness in this arrangement and I will arrange for you to take residence at the most beautiful Rue FÃlix Faure, you know very well. If you will make the necessary arrangements for yourself, my associates will pay for any cost undertaken by yourself when we meet to discuss the arrangements and for your enjoyment we will take a ride by automobile to Ile De Yoff where my associates have their esteemed place of business and enjoy their privacy in these matters.
Your desire to exchange financial information is agreeable. I will be unable to provide you with no more than the name of my associates financial company but I may give you the numbers to our many credit cards which are assured to be in good standing. We are joyous to be working with you to secure the full amount of Twenty Million Five Hundred thousand United States Dollars for you to share in good faith with us.
My associates also wish for you to bring those females that will be so beautiful to use in our arrangement if possible. Photographs of these women will be good if they cannot come to Dakar.
Please now indicate to me your contact phone and fax numbers to enable me call you immediately for more information. PLEASE, I RESPECT CONFIDENTIALITY AND I WOULD LIKE YOU TO RESPECT THE CONFIDENTIALITY OF THIS TRANSACTION.
I again await your urgent response to this message.
May I call you Dick? Dick is a less formal name in my country for Richard and you seem like a dick to me. You seem to also be such an important person in Dakar with many associates. A very important, big man. Yes, to honor your greatness I will call you a Big Dick.
Can you please tell me why a big dick such as yourself needs my help? I mean, yes, your use of English has improved immensely since your initial email, and I will take that as a compliment. You listened and I am touched. Really.
I am also surprised that you are unable to find a sympathetic person to cooperate in your business proposition. You seem to be a favorable business partner looking for the same. A very good friend of mine, P.T. Barnum, once said that a favorable business partner is born every minute.
Nonetheless, I am very willing to work with you and your ass ociates. However, I will require the following:
1.My share to be 60% of Mr. Patrick’s money, before costs. After all, I’m bringing the chicks.
PLEASE, I RESPECT CONFIDENTIALITY AND I WOULD LIKE YOU TO RESPECT THE CONFIDENTIALITY OF THIS TRANSACTION.
The Pirate scams the scammers. But who will scam the scammer scammer?
Any Port in the Storm Archives
Hahaha! Great stuff... Hopefully you'll be on your way to Senagal by this time next week.
Posted by: Seetwist | April 10, 2007 3:47 AM
I always wondered what happened with that guy. Looks like you've got quite the deal going! Good luck!!
Posted by: Blondie | April 10, 2007 8:12 AM
Hey, when you reach Senegal, can you take a ton of photos of your fist going through one of these spammers cheek bone? Please?
Posted by: QofD | April 10, 2007 12:08 PM
Pirate you have reached greatness with this one
I love it.....truely a jedi master
Posted by: fyremandoug | April 10, 2007 2:45 PM
Encore! Encore! That was nothing short of genius.
Posted by: THE barista | April 10, 2007 3:49 PM
Thanks guys:) I am not done with poor Barrister Richard Wilson, unless he is done with me. It has been a while since I mailed him last and I am patiently waiting for his reply.
On a whim, I checked my frequent flyer miles today and have more than enough to fly to Senegal. It might make for an interesting vacation...
Posted by: The Pirate | April 10, 2007 7:23 PM
Hahahah, I love the Powerbook. That was such an awesome scam.
Posted by: Tim | April 10, 2007 9:55 PM