The Great Turtle Race
by Turtle Jones

gtrbanner3.jpgYes. Yes it is true. Sometimes we care. Sometimes we don't know what we care about until it is forwarded to us by a FTTW writer (Thanks, Ernie!) but sometimes it happens. We actually give a shit about something other than ourselves and our last cigarettes for more than one day a year.

Sure, it helps us to care if we can have some fun with what we are caring about, but technically, it is still caring. So today's "We care a lot" moment goes to the turtles. Specifically, the Leatherneck Turtle.

Kickass name, eh?

Anyways, we were sent this link and we had to check it out.

Turtles. Racing. To the Galapagos Islands. 14 days. That is funny.

But was it really funny? The only reason the race and website were created was because the turtles were almost extinct?!?!?!

Well that's a god damn comedy killer right there.

But what could we do? We read a little more....

"Eleven critically endangered leatherback turtles, each of them are over six feet long, race from a golden Costa Rican beach into the vast Pacific. Each is tagged with a revolutionary satellite tracking device, and the race is on. Which turtle will cross the finish line first in the 14-day race towards the Galapagos Islands?"

For millions of years these turtles have been able to survive in the oceans, lay their eggs on the beaches and repeat the cycle of life. Unfortunately, leatherbacks are in danger of extinction and are declining at an alarming rate. Leatherbacks in the Pacific Ocean have declined more than 90 percent in the past 20 years.

See. Right there.

Comedy fucking killer.

But how can we have some fun with this? Well, we really can't make any "ha ha" jokes but we can still have a little fun by picking out a turtle we think will win, show the progress on the main page of FTTW, donate some money and watch him go!

Well we found the cool one. The cool looking one. But she turned out to be a girl. That's ok though. We could work around that. Then we found out it was her first year making the charge. A rookie. Well, that's ok, too, I guess. I mean, what the fuck? Let's see what this broad can do, right?

So here she is.


The call her Turtleocity on the official site, but since she is now on the FTTW side, we will name her any damn thing she wants to be called and we will fuck anyone over who fucks with our turtle.

Throughout the 14 day race, we will be updating you all on Turtleocity's progress, informing you of the whereabouts of the other turtles and generally be rooting Lil' Turtleocity on everyday while encouraging you to get into the spirit and just enjoy watching Lil' Turtleocity mop the god damn carpet with these other turtles.

We take our turtle races seriously.

And we watch our own.

GO Lil' Turtleocity!!!


Go Turtleocity! Kick those other turtle's asses!


Go Turtleocity! I think maybe she is in the middle of the pack only because she probably has the most eggs to lay and they are slowing her down. Make more turtles Turtleocity!


She's in 8th place but at least she's hasn't turned around and crashed back into the start line like those two other dumbass turtles...go Turtleocity!


I like turtles.

Although honestly, when I think of turtles, I always think of the one from the Bugs Bunny cartoons. One of the only critters to ever best Bugs.


Sweet, thanks Timmer. Gutenberg is great.

Anyone remember Tippy Turtle from SNL?

Hey Tippy Turle walking down the street
Tell us what you're gonna do
Well first I'm going to bother everybody I meet
And then I'll probably go home and get drunk


tippy ruled



update on day 2

Great Turtle Race

Tuesday, April 17:

Great Turtle Race Logo

About halfway through Day Two of The Great Turtle Race, Windy is in the lead, with Stephanie Colburtle trailing 23 miles behind in second.

Billie follows Stephanie just one short mile back. In a race that’s nearly 500 miles long, this is still anybody’s game.

Bringing up fourth is Purple Lightning, with Genevieve four miles behind. Closely bunched in the middle of the pack are Freedom, Champiro, Turtleocity and Saphira. Sundae and Drexelina bring up the rear.

Keep checking throughout the day. The site is updated every ten minutes so you'll get the very latest on your turtle’s progress.

To get daily race commentary, visit Mr. Leatherback at And be sure to check out to pick up your turtle’s widget to put on your blog. Remember, turtles need friends!


Damn Turtleocity has no friends! Almost makes me want to join Myspace so she will have one..


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