By now you know that they discovered a new planet, one which may be habitable. Pretty cool, eh? Maybe we'll all have somewhere to go when Al Gore's vision of an earth destroyed by Sebastian Bach's overuse of Aqua Net hairspray comes true. Quick, everyone to the shuttle! We must move to the new planet! Except you, Bach! You can stay here on earth and think about what you've done! We've got a completely new planet to destroy!

Except they named the planet Gliese 581 C. Seriously lame. I might stay here with Sebastian instead of living on a planet with such a dorky name.

So we here at Faster Than the World decided to come up with a new, exciting name for our future home. We put the idea out to our writers and the usual kind of conversation ensued. This, dear readers, is why we call this column Trainwreck.

Jo: Actually, I read the article and to me, it sounds a LOT like Krypton.

Seetwist: I vote for Omicron Persei 8. Either that, or Eternal Path (anagram for Planet Earth).

And Pluto IS a planet, goddamn it.

Ian: That's freakin' cool. I feel a short story coming on.

And Flupid - if Pluto is a planet, then we have to name every other floating chunk of crap in our solar system - we'll have several thousand tiny, useless planets to memorize in grade school.

I grew up learning Pluto was the 9th planet too, but it's time to let it float away into nothingness, my friend.

Seetwist: I can't do it... Too many songs about it. It's like taking the 'V' out of ROYGBIV. Sure, you can rarely see the violet, but it's still there. Same with Pluto.

Johnny: i hereby christen the planet Mike Oxbig.

how about Plat-9?

Ian: A small planet - circling a Red Dwarf?

Its name shall be, henceforth: Kryton!

/nobody's going to get that, are they?

Timmer: Get out of here ya smeghead.

Pirate: haha-I called RIMMER first

Dave: I would call it Oxy-10

Kristine: Planet Cellular, sponsored by Cingular

then change the rights every 20 years.

Like a stadium.

Seetwist: Coke Presents: New Earth!

Dave: I want to visit the naughty nymphs from the Planet Playtex.

Shawna: I like New Earth. Cuz when we completely fuck this one up, we can just go there instead. How long will it take to get there? Should we leave now?

Bonnie: Since we already have a planted named "uranus" lets name this one "myanus"

Seetwist: It sure beats Urectum.

Bonnie: what's wrong with Myrectum? it feels just fine to me

Kali: i have issues with myrectum.

Josh: myrectum has issues with me cause i eat a lot of spicy foods.

Michele: i guess myrectum is a gaseous planet.

Josh: mine's a gas giant.

Michele: they said this planet could be habitable. i don't want to live in your farting ass.

Josh: if i had a nickel for every time i heard that, i'd throw them at people at the mall.

Bonnie: myrectum is an overpopulated planet

Travis: DONKEY DICk!!!!!!!!

Cullen: Arthur Dent

Branden: Planet of the Big Breasted Women who Want to Bone Uberchief

Travis: BRILLIANT...I second Branden

Seetwist: Planet Traal?

/bring a towel.

Turtle: Htrae - our evil doppleganger who does not help old ladies to cross the street

Timmer: Bob

Richard: You only get/have to drink if they say "Hi Bob"

Cullen: Make it more obscure and call it Zed Zed 9 Plural Zed Alpha.

Timmer: Robert A. Heinlein if Bob is too informal.

Jim: My Left Nut in Technicolor.

Deb: "Back-up plan A"

You can see what happened here. I mean, I never really thought we'd come up with a decent name. But it sure was fun trying. What about you? Got a good name for our future home? I was going to say we'll package these all up and send them to the Geneva Observatory or whoever has the naming rights, but somehow I don't think these will fly.

The editors of FTTW swear that they, and the writers, are not really 12 year old boys.

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