Worst Comic Book Movies
by Travis Gruber
If you've got a quarters worth of a brain then you've heard the expression "Just because you CAN doesn't mean you SHOULD." Well I'm going to hire someone to start tattooing that on the foreheads of studio executives in order to make them think twice before they start looking into more comic book properties to develop into feature films. Sure comic book movies are popular but that doesn't mean you have to squirt one out every summer. Especially if you don't have an understanding of the source material.
What some studios are doing to comic book films would be tantamount to an executive studying figures and seeing that the move Philadelphia raked in a lot of cash, and then a few years later Titanic brought in buckets full of the green dollar, and based on that information deciding that the best way to make money would to be to make a film about a boat that has aids that sinks. After all if both an AIDS movie brought in money and a movie about a sinking ship brought in money, shouldn't blending the genres bring in even more money? Hell, why not try to capture every market and it can be an animated film from Disney?
Fortunately I don't really have to illustrate what shitty comic book movies might look like because the hollywood machine has churned out it's fair share in the last few years and, from what I've been reading on the interweb, plans to continue doing so until they run out of ideas. But that's okay because once they've strip-mined the comic book landscape we can start recycling TV shows from the 90s and beyond into feature length films. But I'm diverting my attention - probably on purpose - from the whole point of this article: The Shittiest Comic Book Movies ever made.
One of the greatest things about the Judge Dredd comics is that it truly was it's own environment with rules and order, social standards and guidelines. Judges aren't allowed to date other judges. Judge Dredd never takes his helmet off and, unlike every other comic; Judge Dredd takes place in real time so as the comic book goes on in years Judge Dredd ages accordingly. The comic has been running for thirty years now and Dredd has age 30 years. This movie broke almost every tenent set forth in the comics that made it great. The only redeeming quality was the killer robots which would have saved the movie had they killed Stallone.
V for Vendetta
and last but certainly not least
All of The Superman Movies
Superman flies home to his quaint apartment after having saved a bus load of nuns, or something equally as boring.
As he lands on the balcony he peaks in the window and sees four large ex-cons running a train on his ladyfare. But he stops short of killing them with his eye lasers because he sees a video camera, and a sound crew, and a man dressed like a leprechaun and he realizes that while he was out saving the world Lois was at home taking every last ounce of Cock that Metropolis had to offer.
Depressed Superman flies off unsure of how to live his life further. He changes into Clark Kent and stops at a local gun store to buy a pistol. Then he walks to a liquor store and buys three gallons of shitty cheap vodka.
He flies to the top of a skyscraper and chugs down all of the vodka, pulls the pistol out and puts it in his mouth.
He pulls the trigger but nothing happens 'cause he's Superman.
Alone, Drunk, Depressed, Lacking Love and unable to kill himself he moves to a seedy town in Guatemala and opens up an internet webcam site where he regularly performs acts that border between sex and a snuff film. Because he's invincible he has dubbed Thursdays to be "Thrusting Thursdays" and allows local members of the drug cartel to fuck him in the butt while they repeatedly try to stab him in the eyes with hyperdermic needles.
Sadly, Lois Lane's website - loislanelovesthecockineveryholeshecanfititin.net - becomes a new sensation on the interweb and she goes on to be the next Jenna Jameson. She has wealth, power, sex and fun and superman ends up coming back to the states to be the front man for a Fall Out Boy cover band called "Got My Dick Caught In My Zipper".
Even then I still wouldn't go see it because Superman is a douche bag.
You're certainly entitled to your opinions, but Superman 1 and 2 were fucking awesome.
Posted by: Cullen | April 13, 2007 9:28 AM
I like Tank Girl. But then, I never read the comic.
I also like Howard the Duck, I was expecting that one up there. People who like the comic hate the movie.
Posted by: Veeshir | April 13, 2007 9:50 AM
I liked the Superman movies, but agree on the rest of them. Horrible.
I thought they did a bad job with The Punisher as well. That character and story had so much possibility and they totally blew it. I thought the Dolph Lundgren one was the better of the two. (That one is not that bad actually. The second one blew.)
Posted by: Ernie | April 13, 2007 10:02 AM
I would totally go see that Superman movie.
I haven't seen a lot of these, but I can definitely attest to Judge Dredd being total shit. Both me and my brother fell asleep during that bullshit, and I think it was the first time I ever fell asleep during a movie.
Posted by: Joel | April 13, 2007 10:35 AM
There's a lesser known version of the Fantastic Four that was barely released in the mid to late nineties...I can't even remember who was in it, but it sucked worse than Hanson covering Zeppelin tunes...
There was also a Captain America movie as well...it sucked so bad I failed a semester of college after watching it...
Posted by: Darth Monkeybone | April 13, 2007 10:52 AM
Even the ones that suck, I like.
"MMMM-Bop, Say hey baby say the way you move, gonna make you sweat, gonna make you MmmmmBOP."
I'd have to go back to some very old behaviors to enjoy that.
Posted by: Timmer | April 13, 2007 11:27 AM
Heres one that was pretty bad: Spawn. (The live action one.)
Posted by: Ernie | April 13, 2007 11:37 AM
Cullen - lies, all lies
Veeshir - I liked Tank Girl the movie up until I read the books. Then I went back and rewatched it and it killed my dog. Yes, the movie killed my dog.
Ernie - I think the problem is that they try to be too existential with the movies. The simple premise should be: What's the Punisher do? He fucks people up hardcore! here's 12 billion dollars go make a movie.
Joel - Superman 19: revenge of the syphilous will be previewing in Sacramento soon
Darth monkey guy - Yes the FF movie that you mentioned was never going to be actually sent out to theaters. They only made that shit fest in order to not lose the licensing rights..which they did anyway. And I too remember the Captain America movie...and it hurt
Ernie - Spawn...it hurt so bad
Posted by: Travis | April 13, 2007 11:44 AM
WOW! So far there have been two of my all time faves on the BAD list. Yikes!
Of all the comic book movie4s that I watch/own, I'd have to say that the worst one for me to watch was Spawn. I liked the story, I liked the action, even the costuming was good. What ruined the movie completely for me was John Leguizamo. His character of the Clown grossed me out so much that I actually had to leave the room to gag and try NOT to throw up. Men should never pull shit-stained briefs out of their pants to show it off. BLEK!
Posted by: jo (from Amie) | April 13, 2007 12:59 PM
But jo, it was very in character for the Clown to do that. The movie still sucked though.
Travis - OK, you are not entitled to your own opinion. Superman 1 and 2 rocked socks.
And, I tell you, I was an old school fan of Tank Girl and still liked the movie. It isn't anywhere near as cool as the comics, but it was still a very entertaining movie.
Posted by: Cullen | April 13, 2007 2:11 PM
Spawn sucked so bad. But the soundtrack was awesome.
Posted by: michele | April 13, 2007 2:42 PM
Wait, nobody trashed me for liking Howard the Duck?
I'm a little embarassed for all of you.
Travis, if my dog gets into the garbage one more time I'm going to read the books and then watch the movie again. Thanks for the tip.
Posted by: Veeshir | April 16, 2007 2:17 PM