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Butch Trucks, Martha Quinn and Peter North all walk into a bar
. . . the Dea(r)th of American Music
by Jim Sells
Wow . . . if only y'all, my faithful seven readers, had been here a few hours ago when I accidentally closed the tab and friggin' annihilated what I had been working on for the ever-looming deadline . . . my equilibrium imploded like a special effect from "The Black Hole". Needless to say, my chakras are no longer aligned and my chi is slightly impaired. However, none of these minor dings will dent Iron Man's armor and we WILL continue, onward and upward.
As for Clemens, I cannot top nor will I join in the journalistic onanism that continues to spurt from every media outlet left and right as they attempt to get EVERY detail about his impending return to the Yankees, up to and including what he says when he ejaculates and spawns another poor child destined to have a name starting with the letter K. Have fun - I'll take my ball(s) and go home.
The Mets, after banishing Chan Ho Park, think that Brian Lawrence might be the answer to something besides a San Diego Padres trivia question. The Braves, on the other hand, put Mark Redman (who has a Ring - you best recognize) on the DL and bring up Anthony Lerew, who K's seven and gives two runs in six innings Tuesday evening. Well, what does that say about the two clubs' respective depth in the minor leagues? The Braves, even with the pending sale/stock swap/Enron-type bullshit hanging over their heads and budget constraints squeezing GM John Schuerholz harder than ever, are STILL able to open a can of whupass (especially pitching-wise) at the drop of a hat. The Mets, bless their little pointed heads, can bring up guys like Pelfrey and Jorge Sosa and Lino Urdaneta, who had an infinite ERA in the bigs from his last outing against major league batters (six earned runs on five hits and a walk). Too bad Brian Bannister isn't around to help . . . oh wait, he sucked too.
The Top 100 charts from Billboard Magazine illustrate why I may never listen to an American artist signed to a major label again. It contains two alumnae of *ahem* "American Idol" and one alumnus. It also contains . . . Fergie. Please kill me. Please. Also, if you missed the memo, Nickelback is now evidently the official soundtrack of the mid-to-late 2000's, with every upcoming release to sound identical to the previous ones. Ditto Linkin Park, who must've shot their last bullet with the Jay-Z stuff. Brad Paisley has released a song called "Ticks". Really, need I say more? Is this really what we want, America? Is this the playlist you wake up in the morning and just can't wait to listen to? Hell no it's not. It's the list you, the average mouth-breathing consumer unit, have been programmed to THINK you want. Maybe it's not the best idea we ever had as a nation to allow fucking corporations that want to rule the world (cue Tears For Fears) like Clear Channel to buy every damn radio station on the planet, bring in twenty thousand ghoulish consultants with "big ideas" about the programming and then systematically sodomize the airwaves that, by law, belong to the people. Oh yeah, WE didn't have that idea; lobbyists (tenth level of Hell) did. May they all die of Ebola or Marburg virus.
You wanna know why I end up listening to so much Britrock? Let's check their Top 100: Manic Street Preachers; Arctic Monkeys; Kaiser Chiefs . . . wow, hadn't heard them here. I'm not saying whether they suck or don't suck; I'd just like the opportunity to find out. Massive Attack's "Live With Me" rules and I bet very few people over here caught any of Kasabian's action ("Clubfoot" is a must). All radio marketing scum need to migrate to the bottom of the ocean sans scuba gear.
Anyway, the Brewers are killing 'em like I told ya they would. St. Louis Cardinal P Chris Carpenter is out for at least three months . . . St. Louis Rams season tickets are available now. Joel Zumaya's looking at twelve weeks with that funky finger shit that got John Thomson a while back, which opens the door for the Tribe to run away and hide. I know Westbrook's dinged-up but the effects of the loss of Zumaya will ripple through the Tigers' pen mightily. The Twins, however close they stay to the top of the division, haven't shown me anything except one pitcher with possibly the quirkiest delivery ever. I'm not tellin' - you go look him up.
HEY CUBS FANS! Before you get all hot and bothered by the (as of Tuesday past) five-game winning streak, allow me to let you in on a little fact: the Cubs are a mediocre team. Lee, Ramirez, and Rich Hill are for real. Ted Lilly and Ryan Theriot will keep on keeping on but the need for another front-line pitcher is very evident and the acquisition or non-acquisition of one will determine if they have any chance of destroying my "Cliff Sherrill Perfect World BrewCrew Scenario". Right now, they have a much better manager than last year who is playing chess with far too many pawns and not enough knights and bishops.
Hear Grinderman, Nick Cave's newest joint, now! Dinosaur Jr.'s "Beyond" rules. And everybody's digging on The Kings Of Leon who happen to be from Lebanon, Tennessee, which is otherwise known as the birthplace of the Cracker Barrel restaurant chain. It's well and truly on down here, y'all.
Well, be good and stay safe - I'm off to see if Carl Pavano truly has a vagina.