Here's the latest prophecy from Furnace Room Cyril.

Aries – While you normally look forward to the weekends, planetary alignments are fucking with your outlook and attitude. That’s why you’ve been drinking alone in the dark. Keep it up because that’s as good as it’s going to get for you, until you start puking blood and get yourself to the hospital. Then it’s party time.

Taurus – Stay Home. I know it’s a bit of a cliché to be told to avoid travel, but you’re screwed if you go more than a mile or so from home, at least until mid week. Don’t even watch travel programs on TV. Sloth is your friend. Buy microwave dinners and adult diapers. Wear a helmet to bed, just in case.

Gemini – You’ll experience much clarity of mind this week. Try exercising your brain with sudoku or compulsive lying.

Cancer – If you did not read last week’s horoscope very clearly then you may have caught something. That thing about the condoms… remember, I said on the weekend? You fucked it up. Get tested for, hell, anything.

Leo – You’re bound to have a fantastic week. The universe is aligned in such a way as to make you feel invincible. Try doing something you’ve never done but have always wanted to try, like, say, jumping off a building.

Virgo – You have been working too hard. Try to relax this week and take some time for yourself. Instead of doing what others want, it’s time for those fuckers to do your bidding. Demand compliance, you’ll feel better.

Libra – This would be an excellent week to correct that karma you’ve been fucking with lately. Spend all your money on your friends, assuming you have any of either left. Maybe you should borrow from family or roll a few drunks.

Scorpio – You may find that you are short on energy early in the week, but your energy will increase later, as the antibiotics start working. That’s a good thing because that blind date on Friday will end with you running as fast as you can.

Sagittarius – I told you. I told you they were pissed off. Try not to lose your temper as you find yourself ostracized; they will use it against you. Your best bet is to not call anyone and pretend you didn’t notice. Cry alone.

Capricorn – For the love of Christ, try to finish at least one thing you started this week. There is a problem when you can’t concentrate on pleasuring yourself long enough to orgasm. For fuck’s sake, turn off the TV.

Aquarius – You have been ignoring that special someone in your life. When was the last time you saw your child? Last fucking Thursday? Yeah, it’s probably your kid. The cops will explain it to you. Be polite.

Pisces – You people, always with the perfectionism and the laziness. You are incompatible with yourselves. That’s why everybody uses you. You don’t know yourself, they recognize your awkwardness, and they take advantage. Meh, you’re used to it. Next week will be no different from any other week of your life so far.

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