It's another first here at FTTW, weekly horoscopes! More info on this feature and its mysterious author later, but for now just take notes and do everything it says. You will be amazed.

Aries – Hopefully you didn’t beat off too much last night, because there’s a chance you could get some for real if you don’t act like an arrogant asshole and screw it all up. But you probably will because you’re usually a bit arrogant, aren’t ya? You also need to ignore your instincts this week, especially at work. But you can’t call in sick because they won’t believe you. Your only hope is to surreptitiously stick your finger down your throat and let people see you vomit.

Taurus – Sometimes you just need to put yourself first. Sometimes you just need to stay home, eat corn chips and masturbate. Sometimes this lasts all week, Taurus, so load up on the essentials before the video store closes. You’re going to whack it so much.

Gemini – If you help someone out, you’re a good person. If you help someone out and it ruins your weekend, then you’re a bit of a sucker. What the hell have they done for you lately anyway? If, on the other hand, the person has light colored hair and their name starts with the letter S (Sven and Svetlana are likely matches), then go ahead and help them. If you don’t know anyone who meets this description, try to meet one.

Cancer – The stars are aligned just perfectly for you to fuck indiscriminately, and maybe even use dirty needles if you’re so inclined. You got a good three or four days of solid fornication ahead. The stars have you covered so don’t bother with rubbers this weekend, it’s party time. The only thing that might get in your way is a whiny or logical partner, so stick with stupid sluts and/or man whores.

Leo – This week is good for making changes on a spiritual level. If you’ve been thinking of learning about new religions, this would be a great week to get started. If you haven’t been thinking along these lines, you might consider getting drunk and starting a fight in your local place of worship. You either need to find God or turn your back on him, but for fuck’s sake, do something. You ain’t getting any younger.

Virgo – You’re slated for a fun filled week. Make sure you get out of the house. Attend a fair or carnival if there is one in your area; you may find love if you spend enough money. Try putting something new in your bum.

Libra – All you are going to do for the first half of the week is fight with loved ones. And you will lose a lot of those fights, and you will be perceived as a sore loser every time. This being misunderstood will affect every part of your life for the remainder of the week. Do not eat at any restaurants, including fast food joints. Asking someone to go to the drive through for you is cheating. You will be punished by the universe. Eat out and you will be eating spit.

Scorpio – If you know any Cancers then make sure to stay hooked up with them all week. Or at least on the weekend. Go to their parties, share their needles and have sex with whoever you find. Get it out of the way now, because next week…. Oh, dude. Just… party now, okay? Because you’re fucking in for it next week. But don’t worry about that now.

Sagittarius – Yours is a week to invest time and love in others. It may be emotionally draining on your psyche, but you will be a source of comfort to some troubled souls in your life. And a lot of people are really pissed off; did you know that you’re about to lose most of your friends? They went out the other night and got talking. They’re fucking sick of you.

Capricorn – You have a lot of activity ahead so only eat things that you can hold with one hand. Try harder to find money on the ground or in people’s wallets. As a matter of fact, leave town and practice looking for it in a strange city. You may also find love with a homeless person there, so make sure to look into their eyes as you walk by and they tug at your pants leg.

Aquarius – You are fucked at work. Your boss found that thing. You are so fucked.

Pisces – You romantic fucking geek. Keep carrying your book of love poetry and hoping girls will talk to you if you follow them long enough. It’s gonna happen for you this week, I swear. Don’t change a thing. Because it’s worked pretty well so far, hasn’t it? I can tell you’re still hopeful, but no, I am being sarcastic. You are not in for any sexy fun. You couldn’t find love at the petting zoo.

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