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I Have Flunked the Internets (repeatedly)
by Richard Wallace
This wasn't too embarrassing, as I believed (and continue to believe) everything that I said, it's just that I over-reacted like a lot of people that I mock on a regular basis. It worked out pretty good that I blathered this froth and foam in a faux-conservative group that I lurk in, so nobody of consequence saw it, just a few Bushies that lately make me think of what a cross between Tweak and Butters might be like, personality-wise. That is, until I summarized it here for you, dear readers, but you see it's just a detail leading towards my impending resignation from the interimnet.
Slightly off-topic for a sec, why do so many of us think it is cute and unique to use euphemisms and dysphemisms for the word 'internet'? I've used 'interwebs', 'spiderwebs', 'info superpipe', et cetera, but my favorite, you may have noticed; is 'interimnet'. My reasoning is pretty straight forward, I see the faulty, overly-complex, user-unfriendly, half-assed constructs that are thrown together by global companies and I think to myself, "Self, this shit has got to be a first draft. Why would a company that is in business here in the twenty oughts still have a website that works as well as the average geocities hellhole? Why would said company have a faq filled with questions that nobody would ask, much less frequently, yet completely refuse to receive email just in case they missed one?" Okay, back on topic.
Unfortunately, I was unable to simply STFU and stay out of it, I had to answer back, somewhat smarmily, that the incident had occurred, it was spreading like cream cheese across the innertubes and had been for at least 30 hours before the 'spoof' site went live with their so-called parody. When I went back to try and track down what had really happened I was distressed to find out that every site that was discussing the story had gotten it from the tabloid. Not that they don't ever print factual articles, but when you have dozens of streams but only one original source it starts to look like the conspiracy theorists are right. And when you have sarcastically called them out it really sucks to go back and say, "Well, um, err, I don't know." But that's what I did, and it was probably a good thing. Granted, I still believe that everyone having a conniption over this event that isn't already a vegan/vegetarian should go on the Oscar Meyer tour before they offer their opinion, but it wasn't really necessary for me to be so outspoken about it. Wait, I think maybe I was totally right on that one, so I might have to take a mulligan, for doubting myself. Maybe I can stick around until we get the bugs worked out of this