Mud Farming
by Johnny St. Clair

“why are we at the farm?”

“drug deal.”

“oh. well why am i here?”

“you don’t go alone to these kinds of things.”

“oh. who are we waiting on?”

“you need to know?”

“you’re right. well how will we know when he gets here?”

“we won’t. i will. and who said it’s a ‘he’?”

“it’s a bitch? she sexy? this might turn out to be a good day after all.”

“who said it was a girl?”

“you did.”

“i did not.”

“yes you did. yes you did, motherfucker. yes you…”

“no. i didn’t. i didn’t say who it...why am i having this conversation with you?”

“i don’t know.”

“me either. let’s make our way over to pig pen.”

“why there?”

“that’s where i’m meeting him.”

“so it is a guy.”


“why the pig pen?”

“i don’t know man. cuz i’m a greedy motherfucker. i don’t know.”

“it stinks over there.”goathump.jpg

“it stinks everywhere. we’re on a farm.”

“oooooooo!!! look. goats.”


“goats are heavy metal. Satan.”

“what are you doing?”

“what’s it look like? i’m climbing the fence.”

“it looks like you’re retarded.”

“hey goats…hey goats…come here little goats…”

“stop it. you’re getting all muddy. you’re gonna fuck up my interior.”


“the car. i just had it detailed.”

“hey goats…hey goats…hey, watch this.”

“what are you doing?”

“i’m squeezing it’s belly.”

“why? what the…”

“HA HA!!! check it out.”

“cut it out. you’re shooting goat shit all over the place.”

“HA HA!!! look it. it’s like a machine gun. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A.”

“come on, get out of there. it’s all over your shoes.”

“that’s funny though, right.”

“no. it’s demented and sad.”

“why you all serious and shit?”


“i’ve got a booger in my nose. don’t look at me like that.”


“i can feel it. my hands are dirty. i gotta go to the john.”


“the head.”


“the lav. the loo. the water closet. the powder room. the pisser. the fisting room.”


“be back in a minute. i sense a rare disturbance in my pants.”

We're Gonna Be Using Aliases On This One.. Archives


It's like you can see my dreams!


that's not all i can see.

and frankly, it's a little disgusting.


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