Advertise With Us||Links||
Submission Guidelines||Subscribe to Feed||Contact
by The Pirate
I am buried up to my neck in an immersion course on some pretty nasty scientific-type shit, so I yanked this fucker from my stash of buried treasure. It has significance in that while I’ve just experienced a lull in the frequency of attacks over the past few months, the wrath of God has once again descended upon me and I am getting shocked, badly, every few minutes.
My new mission in life is to find out WHY I constantly get static shocks when nobody else seems to. I mean, I get shocked every day, all day long. No matter where I am, or what I'm doing; everything I touch shocks me. I often get horribly jolted-like electric chair style, too. I'm not talking about those little punk-ass sparks that I've seen the rest of you lucky bastards get, once in a while. I mean the eyeball popping, shit your pants, foaming at the mouth, jerking at the chair restraints variety that leaves my hair smoking and my eyeballs poached in their sockets. Fucking lightning bolts from heaven and the smell of ozone in the air. I remember working in an office where I would complain about my condition, daily, to my co-workers. They shrugged it off till the day I passed by a metal desk chair and it sent one of those fucking lightning bolts across a foot of empty space, stabbing me in the kidneys. Everyone saw it AND heard it. My co-workers shied away from me after that...
I'm not an overly religious man, but sometimes I think there must be a God and he has drinking buddies. They sit around on the couch pounding pints of Guinness and every so often God goes," Ok, watch this" ...ZAP! And he and his beer-soaked pals have a laugh-up. Once the giggles subside and they clean up the spilled beer, God readies another fucking poke at me and everyone leans forward, the bowl of popcorn, forgotten....
Well, this cosmic joke has finally reached its pinnacle. Two days ago a stream of WATER in the bathroom shocked me. Water people-I was attacked by WATER, the shit you’re supposed to bathe in and drink to stay alive. If you think about it, the next shock might come courtesy of a stream of urine and I can't go there. I'm scared and fucking done playing around. I was taught the scientific method in college and I must confess I never really had much use for it, until now. If it takes until the day I die (from repeated and prolonged exposure to static electricity, most likely), I will unravel the mysteries of the cosmos to determine the root cause of my misfortune. I will find a solution to this, even if only for some other poor soul who suffers as I have. I have already formed and discounted several hypotheses: A person's water intake. Being mildly O/C and having a fixation with getting enough water, I tend to over-hydrate and then ignore fluid intake for days at a time. No correlation there. NO, I don't shuffle my feet either, dammit. I do spend an inordinate amount of time on computers (14 hrs/day), but I suspect there are plenty of you out there that can top that and are not walking around like Mr. Twitchy here. Where does that leave me? Does anyone out there have any ideas??
The Pirate wants you to pull his finger ...