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we have a date with the underground, chapter 49
by Turtle Jones
Sometimes my mind wanders and I get bored easily. It has been a problem my whole life. Unless I focus on something like a screw going through prison pussy, I tend to lose my train of thought. I know this. So I kinder figure everyone else around me knows the same thing, too. Having an idea is always a far cry for actually completing a project. So with that, I give you my five tips to finishing a project in the yard.
1. Dream big.
Gotta do that. You want a brick patio? No. No I do not. Patio. Patio. Say it with me. Patio. Kinda creepy sounding, right? The hell would I want one of those in my yard? I can barely stand the word "panties" so why would I want those on a girl? See where I am going with this? This goes with my theme that anything that just sounds wrong should be eliminated of the face of the earth. Anything that kinda makes you cringe to say should be illegal or eliminated like those little blind kids on Little House on the Prairie. Anyone who says "delicious" should be rounded up and shot just like those little cripples on Little House on the Prairie. That why I always admired Da House. Anything they didn't like in that town, then ran straight the fuck out. No coming back on the Prairie. This is how our world should be. No patios.
I want a brick BBQ that sweats speed and pisses turpentine.
Hail the new dawn.
2. Lower your expectations.
Well this one is too god damn easy to be even be repeated. I want a castle sized BBQ. I realize that the moat surrounding it might be a little excessive. Just maybe. So in the end, if the BBQ kinda burns meat? That's fantastic! As long as it somewhat does something it was kinda designed to do, God will look down on it and proclaim that it is good. Or it is right. Something like that. Those god guys get all wordy and shit when it comes to eating meat. I think. Last time I read the bible I was amazed at how much the paper burns exactly like ZigZags so don't be looking for me when you wonder who farted in church. It ain't me. I am home watchin' Bull Durham wondering why it is OK for Kevin Costner to wear a garter belt in public and why my neighbors just call me a fag when I do it.
Rose goes in front, indeed.
3. Burn everything you can.
Trees, shrubs, rocks, grass, and even dirt. Anything that can soak up gasoline needs to be, neigh, begs to be, burnt.
So burn it.
This comes in handy when your neighbors ask you why you are cursing so much. Either the fire is too hot or the "god damn government won't let you burn your stuff on your shit!" The more anti-government rants in neighborhoods tend to bring a more cohesive unit of love and tenderness between the households. People love fires. People love rants. Bring out a copy of the Turner Diaries and you got the makings of pure rock fury.
Plus, people like to burn things.
4. Blood means you did something right.
Isn't this true with just about anything?
5. Cement is life's greatest Band-Aid.
And when I say Band-Aid, I don't mean that damn thing that went on the 80's. Bob Geldof. Man, that name seems too god damn creepy to be real. It kinda sounds like some sort of weird STD. "I gots me a case of the Geldof's." I guess that's when your cock gets drunk a lot and builds car bombs for the IRA. Or I guess it could be a football team. "The Galloping Geldof's!!" I wonder if you would be more scared than sad if you heard you had to play "The Geldof's"
Hell, I'd be scared.
They might get my dick drunk.
Stay tuned for more handy tips and helpful ideas to get your yard looking as good as it can be with Turtle