Raise yer hand if yer a Stooges fan! You in the back…no hands? Hit the road, chump. The Pansy Train is leaving, and you need to be on it. For the rest of you, my chosen, enlightened peeps…you who get me, you warm the cockles of my shriveled little black heart. This round’s on me. Y’all understand the Stooges were, quite frankly, one of the greatest Rock ‘N Roll bands ever. From bringing the music back to its brutal basics in the late 60s to the white-hot grease fire they burned as in the early 70s, there’s little doubt about the impact the Stooges have had on the world at large, even if it took awhile for folks to catch on. Do you consider yourself into punk rock? Hell, heavy metal? Then get on your knees and join me in thanking the Gods of Rock for handing Iggy Pop, the Asheton brothers, Dave Alexander and James Williamson the thunder and the lightning that hit popular culture head on, before popular culture knew what hit it. “I got a right!” shrieked Iggy. (And, fuck no, I’m not forgetting about the MC5. I’m sure some day I’ll have some more of this Il Circo Ruchè wine and there’ll be no recourse but to write a long winded love letter to Rob Tyner and company, but I’m trying to focus here!) The Stooges came swinging out of Ann Arbor like Mike Tyson with a head full of PCP and showed everyone how to get it done, no time for bullshit.

And that is why, my friends, with heavy heart I am here to report that The Weirdness (Virgin Records), the first Stooges album in over 30 years…is pretty lame. All the pieces were in place, except for James Williamson, the shit-hot guitarist from the latter days of Raw Power. The lineup from the first two albums had reconvened in 2003 to play some sporadic gigs. Frontman Iggy, Ron Asheton on guitar, brother Scott “Rock Action” Asheton on drums and punk rock journeyman Mike Watt on bass to fill in for the late Dave Alexander. (“Thunderbroom”…fuck yeah! If I need to talk up Watt’s contributions with the Minutemen or fIREHOSE, you’re reading the wrong freakin’ spiel.) All reports were positive, and for those of us not lucky enough to catch one of these rare shows, the Live in Detroit DVD left no doubt that a few guys old enough to be your grandpa can still kick it out as easily as flipping you the bird.

So what happened? Age? Maturity? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I point my accusing finger at what I perceive to be the two biggest problems The Weirdness presents us with…exhibit A: Iggy’s supremely stoopid lyrics. Not that anyone ever mistook him for Bob Dylan, but back on the original triptych of Stooges majesty the simplicity and bluntness of his words had a certain kind of street poetry that complemented the thuggish force of the players backing said words. And I know, I know…a 60 year old wine connoisseur living in Miami is gonna have a different outlook than a 23 year old drug-fueled miscreant hanging on the fringes of Detroit in 1970. But to these ears it just seems like the man’s been drawing on his status as legendary “elder statesman” as lyrical inspiration since way before the Stooges reunion. Don’t get me wrong…I truly don’t think it’s an ego thing, and he genuinely seems to be a pretty cool guy, and he sure as shit runs circles around men one third his age when he’s on the stage. (Seriously…I don’t have that kind of energy now, and if I have half of it at that age, I’ll realize I’m a goddam superhero and it’ll take 30 federal marshals to bring me down as I storm the gates of Skywalker Ranch to piss on George Lucas’ grave screaming, “Jar-Jar Binks? Jar-Jar fucking Binks?!?”) It just seems forced now, like he’s trying too hard.

Was it really necessary to print a hand-scrawled note on the CD of 1993’s American Caesar to let us know that it’s “no formula shit” and “individual expression”? Am I wrong in thinking that “Free & Freaky” on The Weirdness, extolling living life as such, Iggy-style, was expressed so much more directly (and more effectively) in 1970 on “Loose”? Are songs like “ATM” and “Mexican Guy” (who stole his lady) supposed to mean something to us, or maybe resonate with the youth of today? When he lets us know “My Idea of Fun” “is killing everyone” are we supposed to believe that? The Stooges were a nihilistic pack of button-pushers with a gutter’s-eye view of the world, and you could believe they’d push back if pushed into a corner, but killing for fun? Call me reasonable and all, but it seems a juvenile subject to me without a more Misfits-style creativity behind it. Maybe it’s got something to do with Iggy’s professed love of Slipknot, who I’ve had limited exposure to, but I still don’t give a shit about them seeing as how I’m not 14. Maybe I’ve misinterpreted the song. Only heard it a few times, as well as the rest of the album. I’ve tried to give it a chance, I really wanted to like the goddam thing, after all.

On “Trollin’” Iggy sees a hot chick and tells us, “my dick is turning into a tree”…great and all, I mean, hooray for boners. (Really…if the time comes where I have to rely on a little blue pill, so be it, but three cheers for waking up with wood almost every day.) I’ll say it again while reiterating that I still have a certain respect for the dude: it comes off as forced, like he’s trying too hard to prove Mr. Free & Freaky doesn’t give a shit. Get a grip, man, we already admire you. Spice it up some, dream up a story about a bum you see from your window and how he came to be in that cardboard box. Something. Anything other than constantly reminding us what an individual you are in unimaginative ways.

Ugh. Big disappointments take a lot out of me. We’ll have to continue this next week with exhibit B and Part 2…

Maxwell is accepting paypal donations to ease his pain and shock

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