Would You Watch A Dog Lick His Balls On The Internets?
by The Pirate

On my mind at 4am in the middle of the ocean…

Why do we Americans think the world/our government/oil companies owe us cheaper petroleum? I would rather have cheaper milk, beer, wine and water.

Why does the coffee smell like feet tonight?

dog_licking_stitches.jpgOur country is doomed because even I know who Paris Hilton is. Rock stars, actors, athletes and spoiled, rich kids are not heroes and role models-they really contribute little, or nothing to society and we should treat them, accordingly.

Computers make nothing easier in the end, but I want to mount a web cam on my dog when I’m away at sea. I think I’d like to give him his own website, but he follows my wife around everywhere and she’d shut that shit down the first time she opened the bathroom door after a shower to find him staring at her. Come to think of it, he licks his balls entirely too much, anyway.

I’ve never met my boss and probably never will. Does anyone else out there have a boss they’ve never met, or am I just a freak of corporate nature? I talked to him on the phone once before I was hired, but that really doesn’t count, does it? The same goes for my peers. Out of the 120, or so people in my department, I’ve only met about 15 of them. Most of them, I will never see, or even speak to. Worse, I spend my half my life working and living with only 7-10 other people. It really sucks when we run out of stories with 3 weeks left in the hitch.

I would go absolutely mad without the Internets. Suicide-resistant (not proof) toilets are manufactured and sold to prisons-look it up…not that I’m contemplating the “Big Flush”, or anything.

Looking out the nearest porthole, I can’t see any, but I know they’re out there, coming. Over the years, I’ve been hammered by 8 of the nasty bitches. Which brings up the point that hurricanes should always be named after women, from my personal perspective. It seems more fitting, especially if you consider my ex-wife.

Finally, there can be no greater buzzkill for me as a writer than to realize, Oh shit! My deadline approaches, which is why you get random 4am thoughts, surreptitiously written while on shift, hoping nobody notices me scratching my head and swearing under my breath about writer’s block. Come to think of it, I’m always scratching my head and swearing under my breath at work, so I’m probably in the clear.

Time to feed the mermaids…

Any Port in the Storm Archives


Would You Watch A Dog Lick His Balls On The Internets?

I have, it's not as much fun as it might sound.


Next hurricane name is "life sucking bitch".


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