by Johnny St. Clair
FROM: thadmccone@[deleted].com TO: firstname.lastname@example.org
Normally, I consult with our editors when considering an individual author’s merits. In that sense, you are unique. Your material went straight to our attorneys and the local sheriff. Not only are we passing, but please allow this letter to serve as a cease and desist notification for all future correspondence between this address and your email address / ISP address.
How dare you, Mr. St. Clair. Was this your idea of a joke? Do you have some kind of personal vendetta against us? Were you raised by wolves? After a mere cursory glance at your submission, it was clear that you not only lacked the skills to work at [deleted], but you lack even a rudimentary grasp on what it means to be civilized. And your “gift” has set off a wild chain of legal repercussions that began with an FBI search of our mailroom, followed by the arrest of Manuel [deleted] – our beloved mailboy who simply signed for the package – and has locked up our legal representation for the next six weeks.
We have friends in high places, Mr. St. Clair, and you have none. You probably even voted against Cheney / Bush in the last election. And for that crime, this, and a host of others, you will answer to us. We’ve sent a fleet of white vans your way, and a flock of black helicopters will be circling your block by sundown. There’s nothing you can do, except pray for it to end soon. Which it won’t.
anyway. read about your mag and heard it’s looking for a new writer. well, look no further. i got what you need and you don’t even know it yet. dig on my write-up for the new new new Queens record that ain’t even hit the stores yet. it’s a little more intense than what you normally put out, so if you want, i might be able to dial it back a bit. maybe.
no need to thank me for the package either. it’s a gift. share that shit with people at the office there.