Action Heroes: The Wheelchair Years
by Branden Hart

This week, we saw the first picture of Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones in the fourth installation of the series, which is due in theaters sometime in 2008. And while we don't know exactly what is in store for Indy, we can all be pretty sure that a walker won't be part of it. It just wouldn't fit. You don't want to follow Indy as he rushes through downtown traffic to get to his dialysis appointment on time. You want to see him kicking Nazi ass, nailing hot chicks, and figuring out the mysteries of the world. Whether that will happen, who knows.

bruce.htmIndy isn't the only hero coming back. This summer, Bruce Willis reprises his role as Detective John McClane in Live Free or Die Hard. It's been almost twenty years since we first met McClane, but from the previews, it looks like he's still kicking ass and taking names. I don't know if you've seen ol' Bruce lately, but dude is looking ROUGH. Will he be able to pull this off? I'll report back, as I plan to see the movie as soon as it comes out.

This has me thinking about some other men that need to reprise their roles that we all know and love.

Macaulay Culkin: Kevin from the Home Alone series
This role single-handedly launched Culkin into stardom. It became one of the most noticeable pop culture icons for my generation, and everyone has seen the scene where he's in the bathroom putting aftershave on. In the new installment, Culkin still lives at home, but he's moved down to the basement, where he's a professional video game player. When his parents forget he's still living with them, they sell the house, to who else? Joe Pesci. Pranks and hilarity ensue.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: The Terminator
Come on Arnold! Just one more. Let's face it pal—your time in politics is limited. You haven't exactly made a great name for yourself, and you told us you'd be back. This time, we would see John Connor's last days in Twilight Peaks Retirement Community. But things aren't always as good as they seem. The Terminator shows up again, this time sent by John's rival at the nursing home--Bertram. Both John and Bertram are sweet for Bea, the hip young eighty-year old who recently arrived. In the future, Bertram had to watch as John and Bea get married, and sent back the T-man to flip the tables. Loaded with slow-moving action and more IV bag changes than the entire run of MASH.culkin.jpg

The Predator: The Predator Movies
Whatever happened to this guy? He was in three movies, and that's it? I mean, true, he has a face only a mother could love, but he did some seriously hardcore acting, along with such greats as Danny Glover and the Governator. But what happens to his kind when they get old? When you're pissing five times during the night and every bowel movement is a victory, galactic domination moves down on the priority list. What happens when the Predator's partner in bridge fucks up a trick? How does he react to that? What happens when the Predator's favorite brand of prunes gets pulled from the shelves to make room for an inferior, generic brand? Will the Whispering Oaks Homeowner's Association ever recover from the time they ruled that the Predator couldn't slaughter his own livestock in his backyard and he went batshit crazy? These are the questions we need answered.

John Ritter: Jack Tripper
Before his untimely death, John Ritter was making a very substantial comeback in 8 Simple Rules...for Dating my Teenage Daughter. But I personally always wanted to see what old Jack Tripper would be up to at John's age. Let's face it—Jack was a pussy magnet. Hands down. Couldn't fight the pussy off with a stick. So what happens when Jack moves in with two twenty-something bombshells who dig older guys? A pussy parade, that's what. A pussy parade for old Jack Tripper. BONUS: this would have been an awesome place for Viagra and Cialis to peddle their wares.

I could go on and on. There are so many great roles out there to be picked back up again. Who do you want to see back in the saddle of your favorite character?


Clint Eastwood and that monkey from the "Any Which Way..." movies

Samuel Jackson in anything


Phoebe Cates from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High"

Udo Dirkschneider / Accept

Bobba Fett

Classic 70's Porn - namely, a full bush


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