faster than the blog

Attention callers to Wireless Customer Service Centers!

Here's a few things to keep in mind when calling in to your cellular phone company:

If you're calling to buy a new phone, but have no idea what kind of phone you want...look, think about it, that's just dumb. Nothing I can say is going to describe that phone well enough for you to make a decision. Go to a store. Put your hands on it. Does it feel right? Does it feel well made? Does it fit your style? At least look on the web site and see if you like the look of the phone. Seriously, you're going to come to the conclusion that calling in wasn't the best way to shop for a phone.

Your bill is simple. Everything you need to know is right there. I'll be happy to explain it to you...twice! After that, I've already decided that you're an idiot and incapable of understanding basic math. Oh, and just because you're not an American Citizen, does NOT mean that you don't have to pay the sales tax on your bill. Yes...it's high...become a citizen and write your Congress-person.

Yes, we're here to answer your questions...all of your questions...we kind of have to stay on the phone with you until we've explained everything that you've asked us. For the love of all that's holy, try to keep in mind that we have an average call time that we're shooting for to keep our bosses happy. Calling in once a year to review the four separate multi-line accounts you keep for your extended family because you're the only one with a decent credit rating is just plain mean. Constantly putting me on hold for your girlfriends who keep calling you and then telling me alll about it before getting back to business is torture.

Please, please, please, don't call us when you're in the middle of a screaming match with your teenager because hormone boy downloaded over $1500.00 of games and ringtones last month. I'll be happy to help you after you've hogtied and gagged the offending idiot. And ummm, yes, those are going to be valid charges, and no, there's no way on this planet that anyone over the age of 5 could believe that all that stuff was "free." The "You will be charged $9.99 for this game. Do you wish to continue?" message kind of destroys that defense. How does all that stuff fit on one phone? It doesn't. Perhaps you want to give that phone to someone with a brain that hasn't been fried from playing Halo 3 nonstop since it's release.

We have absolutely no reason to lie to you about anything. If we tell you that your plan never included free mobile to mobile or free unlimited text messaging, we're telling you the truth. We've got all the information right in front of us, we know what our company is capable of. We can't say this out loud to you, but perhaps the gorgeous (well-proportioned) Russian "blonde" selling really inexpensive phones off a cart at the mall is the one who lied to you. Did you read everything that she gave you, or were you distracted by her hand on your lower back and just sign where she pointed? No...I don't think she's still there, she's probably in another state at another mall by now and I'd give you a month's pay if you could pick her out at a lineup.