faster than the blog

Confessions of a Wireless Customer Service Rep, 071018

2007-10-18T20:51:04Z

Attention callers to Wireless Customer Service Centers! Here's a few things to keep in mind when calling in to your cellular phone company: If you're calling to buy a new phone, but have no idea what kind of phone you want...look, think about it, that's just dumb. Nothing I can say is going to describe that phone well enough for you to make a decision. Go to a store. Put your hands on it. Does it feel right? Does it feel well made? Does it fit your style? At least look on the web site and see if you like the look of the phone. Seriously, you're going to come to the conclusion that calling in wasn't the best way to shop for a phone. Your bill is simple. Everything you need to know is right there. I'll be happy to explain it to you...twice! After that, I've already decided that you're an idiot and incapable of understanding basic math. Oh, and just because you're not an American Citizen, does NOT mean that you don't have to pay the sales tax on your bill. Yes...it's high...become a citizen and write your Congress-person. Yes, we're here to answer your questions...all of your questions...we kind of have to stay on the phone with you until we've explained everything that you've asked us. For the love of all that's holy, try to keep in mind that we have an average call time that we're shooting for to keep our bosses happy. Calling in once a year to review the four separate multi-line accounts you keep for your extended family because you're the only one with a decent credit rating is just plain mean. Constantly putting me on hold for your girlfriends who keep calling you and then telling me alll about it before getting back to business is torture. Please, please, please, don't call us when you're in the middle of a screaming match with your teenager because hormone boy downloaded over $1500.00 of games and ringtones last month. I'll be happy to help you after you've hogtied and gagged the offending idiot. And ummm, yes, those are going to be valid charges, and no, there's no way on this planet that anyone over the age of 5 could believe that all that stuff was "free." The "You will be charged $9.99 for this game. Do you wish to continue?" message kind of destroys that defense. How does all that stuff fit on one phone? It doesn't. Perhaps you want to give that phone to someone with a brain that hasn't been fried from playing Halo 3 nonstop since it's release. We have absolutely no reason to lie to you about anything. If we tell you that your plan never included free mobile to mobile or free unlimited text messaging, we're telling you the truth. We've got all the information right in front of us, we know what our company is capable of. We can't say this out loud to you, but perhaps the gorgeous (well-proportioned) Russian "blonde" selling really inexpensive phones off a cart at the mall is the one who lied to you. Did you read everything that she gave you, or were you distracted by her hand on your lower back and just sign where she pointed? No...I don't think she's still there, she's probably in another state at another mall by now and I'd give you a month's pay if you could pick her out at a lineup.

Confessions of a Wireless Customer Service Rep, 071014

2007-10-14T09:20:25Z

Here’s something that completely blew my mind recently. Apparently it’s common practice in some circles for women to carry their cell phones, and I shit you not about this, in their panties right up against their coochie. There’s a plethora of jokes to be made about the phone in vibrate mode etc., but I’m going to leave those alone and talk about why this is just a BAD idea. The cell phone is a small computer with all sorts of chips and electricity running through those chips, not to mention a lithium battery that’s meant to hold enough power for up to a four hour phone call. Do you really think it’s a good idea to keep an electronic device that isn’t made for that part of your body down there? Never mind the fact that it’s not good for your phone, would you put a computer down there? No, you wouldn’t. You would intuitively know that it’s a bad idea. Yet, I’ve learned that there are a LOT of women who do this every day. Don’t even get me started about the fact that you’re going to be putting that near your mouth. And for God’s sake don’t tell me that you wash it regularly, your phone I mean. I assume everyone practices decent hygiene…well at least in this country…mostly. This is something you couldn’t talk a guy into doing. “You want me to put a cell phone in my shorts next to Mr Happy and The Twins? I don’t think so sparky. I know those things give off some sort of radiation and I’m not about to risk anything nuking my package. Aren’t I worried about my brain then? I’m a dude, why would I worry about that? Ladies, please, think before you store your cell phone in what, on a good day, could become a warm and wet environment. At the very least you’re risking shorting out your phone. And NO, it’s not covered under the warranty…which quite honestly is the phone call I got this past week which triggered this rant. --Timmer

First Listen, Magic - Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band

2007-10-05T21:52:04Z

Dear Bruce, Look. I really appreciated hanging out with you in the summer of ‘84 at Uncle Steve’s Blues Bar and playing pinball. It’s an hour in my head that makes me smile because I never expected you to be such a regular guy. But I’m sorry… I’m not hearing anything NEW on this NEW album. I’m hearing bits and pieces of a lot of your old stuff. Jeez, you even revisit “10th Avenue Freeze Out” on “Livin’ in The Future.” How about a new album with something…I dunno…new? - Timmer

The Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame Can Kiss My Ass

2007-10-01T10:59:07Z

Let's just take a look at the 2008 nominees shall we? Africa Bambaataa - I'm sorry, I don't even know who this person is. Beastie Boys - I like the boyzzzzz as much as anyone my age...but not rock... Chic - La Freak? Really? Leonard Cohen - For a Judy Collins album from 1966? What, he didn't get enough Grammys and Tonys? The Dave Clark Five - Okay, at least they're 60s pop rock. Madonna - Excuse the FUCK out of me? Before Tina Turner? John Mellencamp - I know, many don't like him, I do. Should he be there before Todd Rundgren? HELL No. Donna Summers - The Queen of Disco in the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame? I have issues. The Ventures - Okay, I can live with this. How many of you HAVEN'T beat on the bar table or the back of your party partner during the drum solo of Wipeout? Excuse me while I gape, jaw on the floor, with this sucktitude of nominations. -- Timmer

well, well, well . . .

2007-09-26T21:19:56Z

II usually hate sequels and remakes. Very few movies are good enough to provide the source material for a new look and fresh approach. Also, very few directors are talented enough to pull off a good sequel. Certain exceptions pop to mind - the "Oceans 11, 12, 13" movies; "Casino Royale"; "Clerks II". However, many more terrible films pop to mind than good, especially in the horror genre - the endless "Friday the 13th" sequels; "Nightmare on Elm Street’s” never-ending production of shite; even "Hellraiser", after the awesome first and promising second films, went straight down the crapper. The arrogance of studios, writers, and directors is breathtaking; they immediately assume that brand name trumps quality every time and, unfortunately, most of the time, they are correct. Moviegoers flock in droves to see the latest "product", get some gore, and leave vaguely satisfied. Christ is that pitiful . . . This is all the more reason I was astounded and elated to hear that Rob Zombie was taking on a remake of “Halloween”. I remember seeing "House of a Thousand Corpses" and thinking that he had some talent behind the lens and that he might turn out to be a keeper. Then, he made a movie that I view as a trailer park/white trash/kid of the 70s/burnout/pick whatever label might fit you - you know if you are one of US, gabba gabba hey - "Citizen Kane": "The Devil's Rejects". Godamighty, did that movie have it all - Sid Haig, Rob's wife Shari that every man but me (I got an Irish redhead, suckers. Envy all you want) drooled over, superior cinematography and directing, and a soundtrack that kicks much ass. After we finished viewing this film, I had to ask my wife Holly if I should feel bad for thinking it was one of the ten best films I had ever seen. I know, I know . . . those of you who don't "get" horror, those of you who are into the reviewer-endorsed, Academy-nominated films are probably nauseous right now and that's okay. I think that there are some good/great films to be found in that vast category. I also think that most of those "cinema" cognoscenti wouldn't know a good comedy film/performance if it bit them on the ass. ANY actor/actress that is honest will tell you that comedy is THE hardest thing to pull off. And as far as horror goes, unless it's "Silence of the Lambs" (which IS a horror movie, don't kid yourself), it doesn't exist . . . So suck on this, hipsters: HALLOWEEN FREAKIN' RULES!!!! Finally, a horror movie one can mention/recommend to non-horror fans without hesitation. Unless the person(s) in question have bad stomachs 'cause they are up shit creek, paddles optional. That is really what grabs your attention-this movie is visceral. When Holly and I saw it with a couple of our friends, the audience was cool through the emotional and verbal abuse in the first twenty minutes or so of the movie. I guess our society has been desensitized to that kind of violence, the assault on the psyche that we somehow condone. However, the first killing by a young Michael Myers sent half the audience out and on to other entertainment. Why? Because it was difficult, brutal and remorseless. There was no camp humor here - it was just the beating to death of another human. As I was saying, all of a sudden, there was PLENTY of leg room. Even the idiot two rows behind us giving the play-by-play left, praise Jah. As a total aside, why are there even ushers anymore? They all seem to be teenage boys, afraid to offend some loser patron who truly NEEDS to be asked to leave and also wanting to appear cool for his friends. What the Hell? I vote for steroid-amped college athletes/powerlifters/martial artists looking to earn some extra cheese. When I was crew chief of stagehands at a local club a few years back, our security for big shows was a presence not to be messed with. Not abusive or threatening but when the line was crossed, someone had to pay the bill. I witnessed one shithead being thrown through the doorframe of the main entrance. That was awesome . . . anyway, just a thought or modest proposal. Rob Zombie brings most of the actors in his other movies along for the ride here and most to good effect. And then he adds Malcolm McDowell in the Donald Pleasance role. How good Malcolm McDowell is has been vastly underrated for years now and he more than holds his own here. Another fine touch - Rob Zombie actually nails the Seventies on film. Not what you or you or me or my wife or the Pope remember them as. Not how they were "supposed" to be. Not suburban myths, dope smoke and AM radios, tho' there WERE plenty of those to go around. No, he actually gets the feel to go with the details to combine with little lighting/camera angle homages to great horror/thriller movies of the time. It's as Seventies as an ABC Afterschool Special. I miss those; they were ALWAYS good for a laugh. Bring back Quualudes and lava lamps. Shag carpet for everyone! Anyway . . . enough psycho-babble (Qu'est-ce que c'est?) - go see it if you have an open mind for what a "good" movie is. If you need someone else (effete or macho), to see one for you and THEN tell you to see it, don't bother. To paraphrase Rob Zombie's quote, "No one's laughing at Michael Myers". Not anymore. Jim Sells

Some Thoughts on Lawn Mowing and Yard Work in General

2007-09-16T16:29:56Z

Thinking about mowing the lawn always fills me with some dread. I mean I KNOW I'll be much happier about the appearance of the house once I'm done and will have no small satisfaction that the job is done, but damn...the time before I do it really blows. I never know what time is too early to start mowing...especially on Sunday. After living in Germany for three years back in the 90s, it's just so WRONG to mow the lawn on Sunday. But yesterday was a full day with another art fair with daughter and son in law and I know my neighbors are starting to give our lawn the evil eye because it's above their lawns' burnt out putting green length. Speaking of the burnt out putting green length. Are we the only ones in the neighborhood who pays attention to the public service announcements that reminds us that if you mow the lawn on the highest setting you're less likely to burn out the roots and kill the grass? We seem to be the only people on the block who aren't mowing a dead lawn at this point. I don't bag my clippings. This also disturbs my neighbors. Sometimes the clippings get on the sidewalk and I think that drives them crazy. I don't know why since we seem to be the only ones on our block that walk anywhere. Whenever you have a tree that's anywhere near a power line, everyone is very interested in when you're going to have the tree trimmed next. Everyone recommends that perhaps you should do it NOW. You know, I've looked at the tree and I've looked at that power line, and it would take a storm coming in from due North (prevailing winds in our valley are out of the the West) and some serious physics calculations to bring any part of my tree down on that power line. Fuck you, it's MY tree, I'll see about getting some of the dead shit off it next spring. We have a volunteer tree growing in our front yard which was, until recently, tree-less. This also disturbs the next door neighbor who has the same sort of tree because the leaves are very small and a real pain to rake. I'm not big on raking leaves. They fall, the ground sucks them up to make more dirt. Who am I to fuck with the natural order? Dandelions don't annoy me half as much as they're apparently supposed to. Kids stop on their way to school and pick them. If they've gone fluffy the younger ones will not just pick them but "Poof!" them into the air. This is evil how? Exactly when is it okay to stop watering and mowing your lawn? I've always just waited until the first frost. --Timmer

Weird Crap You Learn Working With Cell Phones

2007-09-13T01:33:34Z

Do you remember that Radio Shack Commercial where the folks are sitting in Santa's chair and one of them goes off on a rant about, "What is Bluetooth anyway?" Okay, most of the folks who come here already know basically what Bluetooth is. It's a wireless technology similar to the networks created by wireless computer networks, basically linking one device to another. There are Bluetooth handsets, that you can link with Bluetooth headsets and then your not only hands free, but you're wireless and then even the folks doing the Thorazine Shuffle at WalMart at 2 in the morning are looking at you funny as you apparently talk to yourself. Now...where do you think they got the name Bluetooth? I thought it had something to do with the little flashing blue light that some of the devices have on them. Figure the first device had one and some guy in marketing just went, "Hey, looks like a blue tooth!" and there we went. No my friends, that's not what happened. The Bluetooth technology is actually named after Harald Bluetooth Gormson or Harald the First of Denmark, who's credited with being one of the first Danes to be friendly towards Christianity and for uniting Denmark and Norway in the 900s. Apparently it was a nod towards the Netherlands' contributions to wireless technology. Bluetooth united some of the Netherlands and Bluetooth devices unite with other devices. And there you have a bit of weird trivia you can use when weird trivia is appropriate. --Timmer

Galactic Hoods

2007-08-28T01:26:30Z

So, one of the new hobbies I've picked up this summer is classifying galaxies for the Sloan Digital Sky Survey at Galaxy Zoo. It's relatively easy, classifying on shape and then on direction of rotation, if it is spinning (spiral galaxies). You can rely on images alone if you know nothing about galaxies and astronomy, or you can use the reference material provided for each image via a link. Galaxy Zoo also has a forum, filled with analysis tips, stunning sights, weird phenomenon and *gasp* galaxy humor. Yes folks, galaxy humor exists and astronomers DO have a sense of humor. As mind-boggling as that may be, the sights to be found, both during analysis and trolling the forum pages, are the true wonder. Here's just a small taste. One of the things I've learned on the forums is that galaxies like to hang out in groups like hoods on a street corner. This gang consists of spirals, edge-on spirals, ellipticals and ringed ellipticals. The only classifications not represented here are merging and irregular galaxies. -The Pirate

About Cell Phones

2007-08-25T08:25:20Z

For the past four weeks I’ve been training up as a Customer Service Rep for a Ginormous Wireless Company. I gotta do that before I can move up because, well, everyone does that. I’m okay with that. I can’t supervise or teach what I don’t know. I’ve tried before. It doesn’t work. Besides, it’s really nice to NOT be in charge for awhile. I’ve learned a lot in the past month. I thought I’d share a few things. Monitor your minutes. Seriously, it’s easier than you think. You can keep track of your minutes via your phone or via your carrier’s web site every day if you want. Call the Customer Service folks. Tell them you want to audit your minutes for the last three months and ask them straight out if you think you need to change your plan. If you and your spouse are on a 1000 minute plan but are only using about 500 minutes every month, you’re paying way too much. The better carriers will be happy to help you save some money because they know you’ll appreciate it. Appreciation means you’re sticking around. Loyal customers are the life’s blood of cell carriers. We love new customers, don’t get me wrong, but the good customer who sticks around and pays his bills on time all the time? We adore them. Go to your carrier’s web site. Most of them have more information than you can imagine concerning your plan, your phone and what you can do to save yourself some money. Check for the companies that give you a Fave 5 or a Top 10. Think about it. There are only so many people you really talk to on a regular basis. If you’re talking to them for the price of your plan, how many additional minutes do you actually need? And the carriers love setting that up for you. It keeps their costs down if they know what numbers are going to be used most often. Don’t ask me how, I don’t know, but it just does. If there’s a T-Mobile or a Cingular or a Verizon dealer in your area, take your business to them rather than buying a plan from one of those multi-phone places in the mall. Many of them are very reputable and have the highest integrity. Some of them don’t. Go to the brand name store and you know you’re not going to get any “extras” added onto your plan. Check your coverage at home, at work and other places you might use your phone before you buy a plan. Not all cell phone companies have coverage everywhere. The better companies have pretty detailed maps outlining the coverage in your town and the towns you’re going to be traveling to. Speaking of coverage, no cell phone company can guarantee coverage. Listen carefully to cell phone commercials. They’ll tell you the truth, they have “LESS” dropped calls, the “FEWEST” dropped calls, none of them will tell you they have no dropped calls. Read your contract. There isn’t a cell phone company in the country that doesn’t have a disclaimer saying that they in no way guarantee coverage or a good signal. If you have a teenager and you’re going to give them a cell phone, make sure you buy them an unlimited texting package. Seriously. If you can’t afford to pay for unlimited texting for them, you can’t afford to give them a cell phone. You may have great kids, they may be completely responsible in every way, but you’d be surprised at how quickly a text conversation can rack up extra charges. Here’s another thing. No company will turn off a phone or text messaging just because you’ve used your monthly allotment of minutes or messages. Everything over what you agreed to pay for is going to cost you a LOT more than if you called in to change your plan before your billing cycle ends. Adding more minutes or more text messages to your plan might cost you another 10-20 bucks, but if you don’t, at $0.50 a minute or $0.20 a message, how much do you think you can run up if you’ve hit your limit by the middle of your cycle? Some cell phones are better at some things that others. Go surf around and read the reviews. Do you want/need fun and games and email and web, or do you need a phone that picks up even the weakest signals? Which phones give you the best balance? Do the lighter phones feel wrong in your hand when you’re talking for more than a minute? If you are going to use your cell phone when traveling, especially internationally, call your carrier’s Customer Service Center and ask them to break down the charges for all calls you make and receive while you’re traveling. Getting your phone unlocked and buying a pre-paid Sim Card for that country might seem like the best idea, but there may be hidden fees and carrier charges that you won’t see until after you’re home and the trip is over. Even if you’re traveling to the next state over from you, make sure you have a roaming package while you’re traveling. Toll charges get more people in trouble than you could imagine. Never, ever, ever, ever, use your cell phone on a cruise liner. Unless you’re someone sitting at the Captain’s Table, you probably can’t afford it. Be careful who you give your cell number to. You get charged for messages sent to your phone whether or not you requested them and text spam is getting almost as bad as email spam. The bottom line is educate yourself. Do you know when your billing cycle ends? Can you change your plan up to the day before it ends if you’re going over your minutes or if you’ve not used them all? Can you get the same plan you’ve always had for less money if you extend your contract now? If you change your contract are you actually going to lose money because you’re on one of those old plans from the cell phone war days that you can’t get anymore? Are you paying for features you’re not using? Is your kid messaging a thousand times a day? Is that cute horoscope you subscribed to costing you $0.50 a day? Shop around. You’re going to be with that carrier for at least a year unless you’re on one of those ridiculously jacked up prepaid plans. What kind of support is available? When is it available? You’re not buying the phone, you’re buying a service. Who gives you the most bang for your buck? --Timmer

Summer Soundtrack

2007-08-25T01:55:38Z

What are you listening to this summer? I haven't taken a lot of time to listen to much of anything at all this summer, so I'm living vicariously. Is there anything new that's worth listening to? What I've heard on the radio, has been kind of weirding me out. There's something seriously wrong with that Coast Guard song...I just can't put my finger on why it annoys me so much. --Timmer

Philosophical Question

2007-08-17T21:05:25Z

If you wake up with the blues, so to speak, is listening to Johnny Cash a GOOD idea or a BAD idea? Discuss... ~Courtney

I Love Bruce Campbell

2007-08-05T17:53:42Z

--Timmer--

Go Buy Sgt Mom's New Book

2007-08-03T12:49:07Z

Sgt Mom, my original blog momma, has written and published a new book. She's been posting excerpts over at The Daily Brief for the past year and if you enjoy historical fiction about the great settling of the West, you'll love this. The link is in the ad bar on the left. She'll even autograph it for you. ---Timmer---

Things I Like About My New Job

2007-08-03T04:24:54Z

Just wanted a list of first impressions that I can look back on later and remind myself when I get tired of showing up every day. - It's not the Air Force. - The dress code is very laid back. Jeans allowed. Hell I could wear shorts and sandals if the place wasn't kept as cold as a meat locker. That's been nice. - It's only about 6 miles away from home. - I'm driving away from the city while most of the traffic is driving in to the city. - While I'm starting out at the entry level, there's plenty of chances to move up and even out and about in the company. - I've got about a year to learn the ins and outs before I decide which track I want to take. - There's every fast food joint and grocery store I could possibly need between home and work. - The Cafeteria rocks! -- The breakfast burrito I had this morning was made on the grill while I waited. It was great. -- The salsa for said yummy burrito has never seen the inside of a can or jar. -- It's got a great dollar menu for lunch. -- The condiments' tray includes, and I know you all are going to appreciate this, TWO bottles of Rooster Sauce along with four different types of Tabasco and similar hot stuff. - You know those promotional pamphlets you see about someplace being a "best place to work?" and all the people are grinning like idiots? The people that work there seem to be honestly happy to be there with the exception of all the kids wearing black with their iPods vibrating their heads during breaks. - With all of the benefits, the total package is actually about $5K more a year than I was making in the Air Force. The 401K is SWEET. If I put in 5% of my paycheck they match my contributions by 150%. - Even if I go with less insurance, between work and my my mil benefits, we're so covered it's kind of weird. You might say we're too covered, but with our health stuff, I'm okay with that. - We're going to save about 70 bucks a month on our cell phone plan and we'll have every feature on the menu, even stuff I don't understand yet. Why would you send a fax from your cell phone? - Foosball, pool table, Air Hockey and a TV Lounge in the break area. - You can still smoke out back and no one tweaks. Yeah, I know, shuddup. - Everyone is VERY friendly. All in all I think I'm going to be very happy there until I burn out, and then I'll just have to move up. ---Timmer---

It's Official

2007-08-01T13:54:29Z

After 23 years of active duty in the USAF, I’m now a civilian. It’s weird, but I feel even less stress than I did yesterday. I’m liking this retirement thing. If I’d have known it felt this good, I would have done it last year. -Timmer