May 20, 2007

May 20 - 26

Cyril knew you'd be back. You're afraid not to come back.


Aries – You’ve been feeling like less of a person lately; something serious is eating you up inside. You might want to get tested for tapeworms.

Taurus – You’ve been feeling lonely and needing love lately. You won’t get anywhere just sitting at home; you need to get out and meet people. Try prison. They can’t wait for you.

Zodiac-W.jpg Gemini - You’ve been feeling like you can’t see clearly in this modern world. Maybe you should “take off the blinders”, so to speak. Or at least take the nutsack off your eyes. Rose colored glasses are much better than Arabian goggles.

Cancer - That friend who seems to be such a thorn in your side? He’s actually just a bit of an asshole, and you have kidney stones.

Leo - Everything seems to have been going perfectly for you lately. People are laughing with you instead of at you. Or so you think. The fact of the matter is that you’re not nearly as smart as your friends. Seek out new relationships at the halfway house.

Virgo - You’ve been feeling like you can’t let go of something. A couple of weeks ago, when I advised that you try putting something new in your bum, I didn’t mean to leave it there.

Libra - Opportunity is coming your way, and you need to grab onto it tight. It might not even be a good opportunity. It might just be an opportunity to send your life into a hopeless tailspin. But at least you’ll have direction.

zodiac20.jpg Scorpio - Pluto and Mars rule your sign. They are strong this week, and so are you. This is a good time to try and fuck with people because you will most certainly win and make them look stupid in front of others. This week, hubris is a virtue. Be an asshole and let your light shine.

Sagittarius - Patience is the key to you achieving your career goals this week. Remember the dildo that you thought was way too big? You made it fit, didn’t you? If you really want what you want in this life, you’ll be willing to take anything to get it. March into that office and stretch your boundaries.

Capricorn - Expect some great news this week, most likely in the financial area. In order to make the news even better – relative to your current financial situation – it is very important that you worsen your financial situation as quickly as possible. If you give or gamble all your money away today, finding a fiver on the street tomorrow will be pretty fucking sweet.

Aquarius - Some people misconstrue your carefree attitude towards life as stupidity. Take advantage of this. If you act carefree enough this week, they will think you are crazy or retarded, and you will be able to get away with things like chewing with your mouth open and pissing on their shoes. Practice making stupider faces in the mirror.

Pisces - You are going to hurt your face somehow at 7:16 pm EST on Thursday. Try to do as little as possible at that time. At 7:10 or so you should sit in a comfortable chair with the lights out, cover your head tightly with bubble wrap and wait for at least ten minutes.

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