November 13, 2006

Divorce, Cleavage and Outing, Oh My!

Happy Monday, Pop Tarts.

We are pleased to report that Ms. Britney Spears has managed to pull her head out of her hick ass long enough to file papers against that opportunistic waste of oxygen to which she's currently legally bound. We lost a fiver on that, too, convinced she would hang with that saggy-drawered whigger, popping out his genetically-inferior spawn until her uterus crawled out of her body and bought a bus ticket to Wetumpka. But we are pleased to be proven wrong...and also happy to see she appears to be capable of putting down the Cheetos.





We are not watching Salma Hayek's show Ugly Betty (and frankly, nothing you can tell us will make that happen), but as long as there are people out there making screen caps like this, we will be happy, secure in the knowledge that her glorious cleavage will not go un-ogled. Glorious though it is, it still does not match the Vampire Queen bikini from the From Dusk Til Dawn flick. And nothing ever will. *pant*





We've sung the praises of Ms. Anne Hathaway in this space before, but it doesn't hurt to remind the Tart Patrol of Hollyweird that this young lady has you beat all to hell. She's stylish, poised, gracious, and best of all, she's freaking CIRCUMSPECT. She may be the biggest hoor in 97 counties (including Marin), but you'd never know it. Ms. Lohan, both Ms. Hiltons, and all the other members of the U.S National Bagina Spelunking Team need to take frigging note, because if we see just one more of their eye-bag having, lipgloss-smeared, stale jizz-dripping arses splashed across our Yahoo News page first thing in the morning, we will have to kill everyone in West Hollywood and burn it to the ground.





Speaking of West Hollywood, it has become the hobby of certain self-proclaimed "journalists" to pick a closeted (or at least privacy-valuing) male actor and basically hound them daily on their "publication," with pleas to "come out and help the team." We would like to express our extraordinary disgust with this stupidity, and point out to the "journalist" that if he is defined by who he fucks, then his is a sorry existence indeed. Furthermore, if he thinks this is some sort of competition, then we're thinking the ones who have the capacity to procreate are going to win. That said, despite his poster-boy metrosexualness, we did not automatically assume Doogie Howser was teh ghey, nor do we care. It does not diminish our enjoyment of his masterful portrayal of The Original Pussy Hound, Barney (Swarley), on the very funny (you should totally be watching it) How I Met Your Mother. And we do love the aplomb with which he took the wind out of the "journalist's" sails, basically saying, "Yes, gay, very happy...and??" Jerks.

That's enough heavy lifting for this week, poppets. We'll see you next Monday.

November 4, 2006

They're Coming to Take Me Away, Hah Hah!

Happy Post-Halloween Hangover, my fellow Pop Culturistas. Get your sneering muscles ready, because you're going to need them...

First, the party-goers:

Mrs. Seal, Heidi Klum (with Mr. Seal as Eve), made very fine use of her makeup people in the creation of this original sin costume, conceived no doubt, to accomodate her expanding baby-belly. The makeup is well done, the apple is a bit weird, but bow low, one and all, to the custom made green snakeskin patterned platform boot. She should so market that.



Next is this cute little poppet...Elisha Cuthbert? Who cares. She's far too young to be dressed as droogy Alex, yet there it is. And good on her for bringing along the required attitude to pull it off...






...unlike this next twit, who in her oh-so-predictable hoor gear, looks as if she's nicked it from Mommy's closet, and has just been caught. "MoooOOOOooommm. It's just a little party, I swear I'll be home by 9! And I won't get any dip on it, pleeeeeeeese?" This girl could *own* Hollyweird, if she'd just get her head out of her own bagina for twelve seconds.




The Piven appeared as some sort of gaucho bandito, and I heartily approve. He's that rarest of combinations...the smart guy who looks like he should have gone straight to nerds-ville, yet somehow got all that sex appeal packed in as well. Must have been a mix-up in the Procurement Department.





Here's Kyle MacLachlan as the gayest pirate ever. Seriously, mauve and red together? Ye'll be walkin the plank, ye will, t'answer to Davey Jones himself. Oh, and fire ye stylist.






Mister Cardboard Pizza cutout there is a Katie Holmes castoff, a braggart who once claimed, "It's a flash of a smile and a nice conversation. And at the end of the day, she's cooking the food." Uh yeah. And here you are, dressed up as a cardboard piece of pizza. To his little Goth friend, we say, "better wash that, honey, you don't know where it's been."




And finally, a has-been actress trying to make fun of a has-been model. Even though the latter is rapidly becoming world class parody (and drag show) material, if you have to carry a sign around telling people who you're dressed up as, then the costume doesn't work. Hell, for a minute there, I thought you were a Klingon.




That's it for this Halloweird edition, join us next week when we answer the following burning questions:

- What is so fascinating about Jennifer Aniston's bony ass that it takes a dozen LAPD cops to get her from the airport to her car?

- Why did Jennifer Lopez think it necessary to marry a flesh-eating zombie?

- And can Gwen Stefani get any damned sexier?

Toodles.

October 28, 2006

In Pursuit of Hotness

It has come to my (admittedly short) attention that there may be quite a few people out there who are somewhat confused as to what constitutes "Hotness." Being the charitable soul that I am, I shall gladly take a few minutes out of my day to help clear up any misconceptions.


Mary Kate Olsen, she is Not Hot. She's skinny, she dresses so very badly, and her taste in footwear should be actionable. She's wealthier than three oil heirs plus one shipping magnate, yet she dresses in oversized tshirts and tights. And no, absolutely no style points are awarded if the tshirt and tights in question cost a grand apiece. Expensive does not equal stylish. Oh, and wash your nasty hair, would you.




Jennifer Garner, she is Hot. She was Hot when she was preggers, she was Hot a week after giving birth, she's Smoking Hot now. Look at that hair, the Grecian-style dress, the understated jewelry. Beautiful. Even when she's in jeans she's style, grace and poise. And she makes such a cute mommy.




This boy-thing (whose name we do not speak), he is Not Hot. He was never Hot. He could never approach Hotness. He couldn't pay Hotness to buy him beer at the 7-11. Leaving aside completely the caricaturesque whigger posturing...no, we can't leave that aside, that's pretty much what makes Hotness an unattainable level for this loser. Well, that and his pasty skin and squinky-ass eyes. But that bit's pretty much genetic.




Anne Hathaway, she is totally Hot. Large eyes, sculpted face, beautiful hair, and always immaculately turned out in public. Best of all, she's woman-shaped, not some stick figure of a woman thing. She carries probably 20 lbs more than the studios would like to see on her, but she has delightful curves, and seems to be intent on keeping them. Hot Girl-Woman, we applaud you.




Uma Thurman, outside of films (meaning without the assistance of an entire wardrobe and styling department), she is never Hot. She's lovely enough, even if her fingers are as long as most people's hands, but she could not stylishly dress herself should her life depend on it. Her Great-Aunt Mae must be very flattered that she chose to wear her old housecoat to that shindig, however. I bet everyone at the Sleepy Oaks Retirement Home in Boca cheered weakly at its reappearance.




Kate Winslet, she is Blazing Hot. She is what's considered "zaftig" (a fucking stupid synonym for "normal" if we ever heard one), and is rather ruthlessly unapologetic about it. She's beautiful, always gorgeously dressed, and can actually act her way out of the type of bag of your choice.






This female (also whose name we do not speak), she could not be Hot if she paid someone to run behind her with a flamethrower. This ensemble is just one example of her baffling fashion choices. Even without the inexplicable, er, tights (what the fuck are those things?), that dress is unforgivable. It looks like something that might be donned by a 14 year old for her Junior Prom, but would look much better on her because she would eschew the tights-type things and whore shoes.




And here, my pets, is the ultimate comparison between Hot and Not:

On the left, the gruesome Tommy Lee pretending to kiss some flavor of the month from his reality "rock" show. On the right, the spectacularly Hot Anthony Kiedis laying some serious tongue on the spectacularly Hotter Dave Navarro in their Warped video.

      

You get one guess which one is Hotter, the quiz will be on Tuesday.

October 21, 2006

Things Are Not Pretty

It's been a quiet week here in Celebrity Hell, but I did manage to find a few morsels to snack on... Let's get the nasty out of the way first, so we can move on to things that please me.



First, I really cannot stand this twit. Yes, she has money and privlege, but is she someone you want to have over to the house? The Esquire Show House says no, saying they "don't want her ‘type' there." I cackle, with actual glee. Stupid girl, why don't you make an attempt to learn something and be someone other than this Barbie-as-whore caricature.




And then there's her sister. Does she have no agent to advise her against being photographed with people prettier than herself? Hmph. Be sure to view the larger version of the image to...er, compare and contrast. Yummy. VERY NSFW




Ah, my poor Spice Girls, what has become of you? But then again, Miss Scary, you were always my least favorite. Still, does that give you license to go marrying and breeding with a donkey-voicing tranny afficionado? Seriously, what can you imagine that child is going to look like? It's worth worrying about, people.






Here's two people that I like immensely, and am pleased that they are (apparently happily) married. However, it appears they do not actually have mirrors in their house, or people who will not lie to them, because this dress is so very very bad. Tom looks great, kilted and sporran-ed in the appropriate fashion (can I be the one to do the kilt check, please, please, please??), but dear Patricia really needed that dress in a size 14 instead of a 12. There's no guilt in being buxom, sweetie, but if your clothes don't *fit* then you just look like an idiot.




And now, please, on to more pleasant things, yes?


I've always liked the Affleck. Sure, he's made some bad film choices, but you cannot seriously hold that against the boy when studios are stupid enough to offer idiotic paychecks for pretending to be someone else. Hell, I'd grab all of that I could and use it to build a fucking wall between those I love and the rest of the world, ensuring our safety, comfort and... *blink* Sorry. Anyway, he's deuced cute here with his bebe, isn't he?




And lastly, like a post-meal, palate-cleansing sorbet, here's our weekly Jessica Biel. She claims to be tautening up (!) for a Halloween party she's hosting, costumed as Catwoman. Pardon me...I need a moment...

See you all next week.






October 14, 2006

Wild Celebrity Kingdom

This week on Wild Celebrity Kingdom we take a look at a species containing one of the most treacherous and predatory females known to science, specifically Hollywoodus Emaciatus.

Our first specimen is one we haven't seen in a while. First tagged back in 1984, this used to be a prime example of H. Emaciatus, rippling with muscle and quite ferocious. She appears to have aged somewhat severely, however, no doubt due to her poor diet and even poorer mating habits.



Our next specimen is a relative youngster in this tribe, but already shows signs of extensive use by the male of the species, Hollywoodus Bloatedegodae. She appears to sleep little, and eat even less, all of which combine to make her look years beyond her true age. Sad to say, but this one probably will not make it past the next dry season.




Our next specimen used to be one of the most gregarious of this species, cavorting mindlessly with another scary specimen, Hermaphroditicus Pleasepayattentiontomecera. She managed to escape his clutches, however, which is fortunate for her as this scientist hears that they are in the habit of sacrificing the ones they no longer want and making clothing out of them. Her escape notwithstanding, this specimen now looks dreadful, clearly having been a victim of the sparse foraging available to Hollywoodus Emaciatus this season. Hopefully she can hang on until the rainy season and the return of El Cateringiño.



Here we have a relatively healthy specimen that has seen some hard times lately, narrowly escaping capture by a very frightening species, Scientologistus Bugfuckidae. She's rebounding nicely though, has recently taken up with a new companion, a member of Cowboycera Gayus, but he doesn't appear to be providing for her very well as she's extremely thin now. She might also become a casualty of the famine times if we do not act to save her.




This still-pretty female was not as fortunate the previous specimen. She has been firmly ensnared by Scientologistus Bugfuckidae, and has already been forced to procreate with one of them. Jim? Are you throwing up? Sorry, Jim, I forgot to warn you about this. I know it's horrible to contemplate, and I fear what the result of their mating will look like, but we must act for the preservation of all species, right Jim? Jim...where are you going with that gun? Jim??

That's all the Wild Celebrity Kingdom we have for today. Thank you for visiting with us and helping save all the wild and wonderful species out there!

Jim...?

October 7, 2006

I'd Like Some Answers, Please

And my first question is:

How fucking stupid is Jimmy Buffet?

Fairly goddamned stupid judging by this report:


French media reported Friday that Florida resident and "Margaritaville" singer Jimmy Buffet was detained after more than 100 tabs of Ecstasy were found in his luggage...

He was allowed to go after paying a $300 fine.

Buffet's representative said the pills were not Ecstasy but medication prescribed by his doctor. However, the woman did not identify the medication.

Riiiight. As long as that man has lived, as much booze and drugs as he's already consumed....can't he be done now? I'd get high on that 70 mil a year income, myself.


My second question is:

Does Kevin Federline own a mirror and does he know the definition of "whigger?"

I hate this person. I don't know him but I hate him as passionately as if he'd stepped on my cat. He's an industry joke, a talentless leech, and the luckiest fucking boy in the world to have convinced that stupid hick Spears to marry his disgusting ass. I'd like to take volunteers for someone to run over him with their dumptruck. Anyone? Bueller? And the answer to both above questions has to be 'no.'



Third question:

Who exactly finds this buck-toothed twit attractive?

Ok, she's got pretty hair, but other than that she's Hollywood Starlet v. 847469023769.89404963b. Nothing new, nothing original. No fireworks, no shooting stars... Somebody stop me before this becomes a Styx song...



Question four:

Who are these British twats* and why do I have to see their pictures constantly plastered across every media outlet imaginable?

The 'ho on the left seems to be coasting along on the distinction of having been cuckolded by the 'ho on the right. Why is she still hanging about with his simpy Limey ass, you ask? Another question for the List. She's also been photographed wearing the exact same outfit as her Mummy. Yes, on purpose.

The 'ho on the right has made some movies, sired some offspring, screwed some nannies, and generally made a name for himself as one of the most pompous asses working in the industry today. So, while they clearly deserve each other, the question remains as to their marketability as a couple. So, cut it the fuck out, already.


Question the Fifth:

So the man brushes his teeth while going out to get the paper, what's the big fucking deal?

And if you paparazoid assholes would take a fucking Sunday morning off once in a while, he could do it in peace! But then of course I wouldn't have this delightful image in my inbox, and the world would be a slightly darker place. Carry on then.



Sixth question:

Ok, not so much a question as a statement...Jessica Biel is my new girlcrush.

I don't know exactly what it is, the sculpted face, the sculpted body, all of the above. She'd make a delightful sculpture. Do you think her PR people would buy that I'm famouser than Rodin and arrange for a private sitting? Hey, what's with the SWAT team, I was just askin'!!



And question the last:

Can I be the peanut butter to their bread, please, please, please?

Now, Dita von Teese doesn't ordinarily crank my tractor, despite my approval of her resurrection of the burlesque form of performance (and utter disapproval of her choice of spouse, bleh)...her face is not right somehow. Too sharp, maybe? Too hard, perhaps. Anyway, unclothed, she is delicious, as is Ms. Johanssen there. Together, in a bondage themed photo shoot? Thank you, sir, may I have another? Rrowr.

Well, this week's activity has made me a little, er, tense. Think I'll just go take care of that. See you all next weekend.

* Yes, I know who they are, I just don't give a shit.

September 30, 2006

Release the Hounds!

POP CULTURISTA - Dishing on celebrties: their lives, their escapades, their clothes, their self absorption. Saturdays, by Pop Culturista

What ho, it's Saturday once again, time again to laugh at the trained monkeys....

I would like someone to explain to me what happened to Matthew McConnaughey, please. He ordinarily is a beautiful, beautiful man, and it has sorely pained me these years that he and genetically perfect Sandra Bullock have not bred for the good of The Program. But when I see documented these Grizzly Adams moments, I can hardly blame her for eschewing the inevitable skin burn. Matty. Shave. Now.


Another inexplicable transformation is that of Adam Ant, who despite his freely advertised proclivities, was a seminal part of my adolescent sexual awakening. To this day, military style jackets with beaucoup gold braid still make me sit up and pay attention. But from attitudinal bad boy to someone's maiden auntie in 20 years or less. That gravity, she's a bitch ain't she.


Another to whom gravity has exacted tribute, the "I wish I were iconic" Sharon Stone. Of course, her absurd fashion choices don't do very much to disguise the fact that she has half a century under her belt. So to speak.



Victoria Beckham returns to plague us this week, though we at least give her credit for variety. This first number makes me want to head the farmers market though, to try and do something about this dreadful cantaloupe craving...


This second ensemble is a nice example of "missed it by that much." If the pants had actually come anywhere close to fitting her bony ass, this would have been a cute look. Vicky, eat a sandwich. Or nine.






Now tell me seriously here, people...am I the only one who has noticed that this slitch has a lazy eye? That's totally why she always squinks her eyes for the paparazzoids, isn't it. You can tell me, I can take it.







Here's another subject on which I would appreciate a little enlightenment... Kate Moss, while dreadfully underfed, is a rather attractive bird. She has a pleasing arrangement of facial features, nice skin, and I'm told has some sort of career that keeps her rather well supplied with folding money. So why, friends and neighbors, does she choose to keep company with that bastion of British pansy-ness Pete Doughtery? He's pasty, he's squidgy, he's slightly less talented than the average teapot...is it as simple that he's her high-buddy? It very nearly has to be, because the union otherwise defies all logic. And good taste.


And now, to offset the above nausea, a soupçon of luciousness... The voluptuous Jessica Beil, somehow preventing the Hollywood whipcrackers from convincing her to starve herself into a parenthesis of a woman. Of course that's landing her roles in dreck like Blade: Trinity, but, ya gotta have principles.




The fashion recap will be non-existent this week, Mommy's tired, so kindly go amuse yourself with the BBC's London Fashion Week recap.

Until next time...

Ms. Culturista lives in the wacky land of Florida, where she watches celebrities and scopes out the fashion trends so you don't have to.

September 23, 2006

Naughty Monkeys




Happy Saturday, my little limpkins*! Let's see what foolish celebrities we can pick on this week...

While not technically a celebrity, other than the fact that the entire world knows his name (and to never be caught on a dark street with him), OJ Simpson simply must kick off this week's rundown (hah, see what I did there) due to this spectacular meme courtesy of College Humor. College kids take candid photos with OJ Simpson and post them to this site. A classic quote:

"He ran off pretty quickly as soon as my friend's mom yelled, 'You took a picture with a murderer!"

This proves there's justice in the world. It's just slow, and kind of stupid.

Continue reading "Naughty Monkeys" »

September 15, 2006

Welcome to Celebrity Hell



They're fucking everywhere, aren't they? Pretty, skinny people who are vastly overpaid for pretending to be someone else, warbling a tune on key, or just rolling their near-visible hipbones down a runway. We don't have to look at them, we don't have to care what they're doing...but, like the proverbial car wreck, we cannot look away. So, we might as well sit back and bitch about them, no? Let's go!

First up is Ms. Kate Bosworth. Now, I don't know her from Adam, haven't seen Superman Returns, and am not really interested enough in her to IMDB her ass (as merely dating Orlando Bloom does not a person of interest make you), but bitch needs to eat a sandwich. I'm sure the photog who captured this shot was dancing a little happy jig at the thought of selling a "nipple slip" picture, but little did he know, he was actually capturing the majority of this girl's skeletal structure instead. Seriously, if your top gapes open and we can see your bony hip, it might be time to up your carb intake.


Continue reading "Welcome to Celebrity Hell" »

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