Definition: Machine cinema or machine animation, is both a collection of associated production techniques and a film genre defined by those techniques. As a production technique, the term concerns the rendering of computer-generated imagery (CGI) using real-time, interactive (game) 3D engines, as opposed to high-end and complex 3D animation software.

To me, it's an amazing concept. Think about it for a minute. People render scenes in real time, using video games or something close, and from that they in turn, create a film, telling a story from start to finish. Now, some of you may already be into this or aware of it, and that’s cool. What about the mainstream? For me, it's just as much a form of art as anything. It's creative storytelling. Period. I watched a little film called “The Days After” created by the folks at Apollo Productions. I was blown away by its simple message and dramatic story. It's actually moving. In a very short time, a fairly complex story is told, and it leaves you, well me, wondering, why is this not the place studios go looking for fresh, innovative talent? Aside from the fact that studios are goofy village idiots, someone somewhere has got to think, these guys just might be able to do amazing things with a budget and some real support. The film in question can be seen here:

The Days After Description: A deadly virus killed nearly the whole mankind. The few that survived are infected, too. The less time they have they spend it on the roofs of the big sky scrappers cause the streets a full of dead bodys and criminals. Main character is Bogart. A philosophically deep minded person.

I really hope you enjoy it as much as I did. It' so unaffected by what the mainstream does. This art of Machine Cinema is something to marvel at. I had a big long story planned, but I think you should just watch the film. Its an experience I think you will enjoy. Hollywood should take note, because, stories work. This film, as I found out, is very very popular, and along with many others, has proven it has an audience of more than a few. Enjoy it, and please, leave comments, I am very interested in what you have to say.

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Posted by Jay Scott at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Del.icio.us It | Fark It | Digg It

Jay is away on business this week. Filling in for him is The Last Word's Kristine.

Yesterday when Jay asked me oh so politely with an air of desperation if I would fill in and be a “guest writer” for his column because he was swamped with a previous activity, I said I’d do it, but what do I write about? He suggested porn.

Now, I like porn as much as the next girl. I even own some. (Yes, I’ve paid for it.) But what’s there to say about porn? Something from the female perspective? No. I think I use the male half of my brain to deal with porn because I can’t stand scripts or talking (in porn anyway). I fast forward to the goods. So scratch porn.

Next I was thinking about food. Probably because it was about 4:30pm and I was driving home from work, and while in traffic my mind wanders to things like food and what things I need to clean.

The thing about food I was considering was holiday food. Two things came to mind: Turkey and ham. Why? One day years ago while at my parent’s house for Thanksgiving, I watched my mother putting the neck and gizzard and whatever other innards are in that bag inside the turkey, into a saucepan full of water and put it on the stove to boil. After the boil she lowered the temp to warm and that was that.

A few hours later I watched her take the saucepan to the sink, pour out the remaining water, and then dump the solid contents into the garbage can.

This struck me as odd. So I decided to ask, “Mom, why do you put that stuff in the pan and then just throw it away? What’s the point?” The way she looked at me told me that she had never really thought about it. Her answer? “I don’t know. I just remember my mother always boiling the parts, so I do too. I think it’s like potpourri, making the house smell like turkey.” This led to us walking over to Grandma and asking her what was up. Grams looked at my mother like she had clearly been dropped on her head too many times then said, “you’re supposed to use that for making gravy”. Well then. Oops.

Another incident similar to this involves ham. This time Easter dinner. I again sit there and watch my mother performing the ritual of unwrapping the honey baked ham, turning on the oven, and then she cuts off both ends of the ham and sticks it in a pan. This has occurred for as long as I can remember, but once again I have no idea what it’s for. Does it make it juicier? Retain flavor? I’m sure it’s some culinary secret that will improve ham greatly. So again I ask what is the purpose of end cutting the ham.

Again, she doesn’t really know, her mother just did it.

So we trek over to the phone and call Grams up to inquire about handling ham.

The silence that ensued pretty much answered everything for me, but what my Grandma ended up finally saying was, “the reason I cut off the ends of the ham was to make it fit in the pan I had”.

Well then. Oops again!

I thought I would recount these moments for you and the ask if any of you had ever done something akin to the above. Any traditions or styles of cooking that you do because you have observed generations doing it and just presumed it’s the proper way of doing things? Without really knowing why?

But then I thought, “how much can I stretch out meat for? That isn’t gonna take up much space”. So I ditched that idea.

I sat here, staring at my laptop screen, and then it hit me when I looked up at my TV. Ultra Violet was on one of the movie channels. I’ve never seen that flick all the way through and probably never will. I’ve seen bits and pieces and the part I viewed tonight was the main character riding a motorcycle up the front and sides of buildings. It looked ridiculous. It looked fake.

So that brings me to the true subject of this mind babble: CGI

If you knew me in life, you would have heard me lament CGI. Now, I love effects as much as the next gal. When I first saw Star Wars in 1977 in the theater, I specifically remember being awed and overwhelmed and unable to stop saying “ooooh!!!” Years ago, before the last three additions to the story, I bought the Stars Wars Trilogy on VHS. Watching it now I can see how antiquated some of it looks; check out the battle scenes with Luke and Han in the Millennium Falcon, shooting at those Tie Fighters. Clearly not a smooth melding of real and animated. But it was still great.

In 1984 one The Last Starfighter was the first movie to use CGI for all the spaceships instead of using models. I love that movie! To this day I will sit and watch it over and over.

Hell, even Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade made strides when it came to using CGI in movies. Remember when the Nazi fella chose unwisely and his face melted off? Fantastic!

There are many other movies I enjoyed that utilized CGI. The first Terminator, Time Cop, Total Recall, Backdraft, Jurassic Park. Even my beloved Casper. The list goes on and on. I love movies. I don’t require something with subtitles or a Bergman film. I like to be entertained and to lose myself for a couple hours in another world.

But here’s the thing, I’m a writer. I like scripts. I like dialogue. I like to see a character and a storyline. And it seems to me that lately moviemakers are depending far more on computers than people.

The last two movies I saw in the theater are The 300 and Ghost Rider and I enjoyed both. > But in both the script was short on verbal interaction and strong on visuals. I like a good war scene or things that blow up and I especially love creative deaths—but there seems to be a large movement away from actually acting.

Where has all the talent gone? There’s just been too much of a good thing in the last, say, 7 years of movie-making. Even a movie like V for Vendetta, which relied heavily on CGI, had a man playing the lead with a mask. That forced him to act using his voice and body language. I admit the movie put me to sleep, but at least Hugo Weaving had to have some sort of ability to pull off the part. Even if I kept hearing “Mr. Anderson” in my head.

Has Hollywood given up? Is it my choice in movies? I just think that today’s films rely far too much on animation and computer generated graphics. It is possible to make movies without faking it.

Where are the movies like His Girl Friday or Laura or The Maltese Falcon? Casablanca, The Bridge on the River Kwai, Easy Rider, The Quiet Man?

Is it even possible in this day and age to make a movie that spends more attention on character development and plot? Is there anything original left to be made? Let me clarify that. Something that’s actually decent and doesn’t try too hard to be impressed with itself. I want more Little Miss Sunshine and The Departed. I want less movies from comic books and video games. And dear lord, stop with the remakes of TV shows! I really didn’t need to ever see Bewitched or The Dukes of Hazzard on the big screen.

If I’m going to pay $8.00 for 20oz. of soda I better enjoy the flick. It’s bad enough that I have to deal with people kicking my seat, talking on their cell phones, and generally yelling at the screen. But I won’t go off on that tangent, even though I was about to rip someone’s braids off their mouthy head during 300 ‘cause they would not shut the fuck up.

But I digress.

What movies in the last seven years would be worth my running out to buy on DVD that are engaging, entertaining, and story driven?

What movies with oodles of CGI do you enjoy that don’t go overboard and look fake?

I will go see the third Spiderman and I saw the latest Superman in 3D in IMAX. I’m not trying to be an elitist snob, I promise. I adore movies and being entertained. Especially horror flicks that have zombies. So I’m truly not entirely picky, I just beg for more story instead of short cuts with a computer.

What say you?

I hope I haven’t embarrassed Jay too much with this rant but if I have, maybe he’ll have learned his lesson about abandoning us, his loyal readers. Ha!

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Posted by Kristine at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (9) | Del.icio.us It | Fark It | Digg It

I’m feeling very eclectic this week. I’m all over the place with thoughts, ideas, possible stories and a plethora of potential projects. I have recently been obsessed with my current script and possible novel. So for some reason, I wanted to pose a few what if questions and what I thought the if would be. I woul;d very much like to see what everyone else has to add, so comments are going to be a big part of this weeks fanfare. So, I present to you, my current list of “what ifs.” I know what your thinking, but odds are no two of us will have the same what ifs. In fact, if we did, the answers would be as varied as there are great racks on women in the world. (yes, I had to toss that in, besides, makes a nice visual. Like saying don’t think of a white elephant, but as expected, you picture a white elephant)

Wow, did I ever digress.

So. What if…..

What if: Hendrix had lived another 40 years?

A: I think he would have played through the 70’s making some of the greatest electric funk ever heard, skipped the 80’s and re invented the 90’s musically.

What if: James Dean had lived?

A: We remember him as much as we remember Montgomery Cliff.

What if: T.E Lawrence had never met Feisal?

A: Arabia would be even more divided into small little Bedouin city states without a central government, and occupied by both the British and the Turks, even the Germans maybe.

What if: The American Indians put up a better fight and won?

A: This article would be written by “Chief Who Makes the Moving Images Work”

What If: Annie Oakley was a little less of a great shot?

A: WWI prolly woulda never happened. (yeah, I’ll let you look that one up)

What if: WWII never happened?

A: You’d know who Eiji Sawamura was.

What if: Tim Wakefield had taken a break earlier.

A: Dare I say it and risk the potential furor of crying and boo-hooing?

What if: Lincoln and the North didn’t win:

A: Lee would have abolished slavery anyway, as he would have succeeded Jefferson Davis, and since he was an abolitionist and only fought for the other side because he was a Virginia loyalist.

So folks. Lets have it. Your “What ifs. The twists that coulda been, the futures that didn’t happen. Lets hear it.

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Posted by Jay Scott at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (20) | Del.icio.us It | Fark It | Digg It

I play a lot of video games. A lot. How much is a lot? Well, for the past few years I have probably bought two a month like clockwork. Last year I picked up a game and then before ever installing it, went off and got wrapped up in something else. Well a few weeks ago, I went ahead and started playing it. The game? Lionhead Studios “The Movies”.

The link takes you to the online community where you can watch the films people upload, look at the charts, etc. etc. So, in a nut shell, its one part Sim, one part movie maker. And its pretty freakin' cool. It’s a game where you have pretty much unlimited options to make little movies with, well, any story you want. You start with either the normal sim game option, which means like most games, your goals are to expand, grow and build. In this game it’s a Hollywood studio that starts in the very beginning of Hollywood. You hire actors, build sets, hire writers, etc. It’s a really good sim that even comes with the drama that talent will put you through. Yeah, ya gotta stay on top of those pesky actors, or they might drink too much, eat too much and not show up for work. Then there is the sandbox mode, which just lets you run with it and make any movie you like from any timeframe.

Now, for a sim game to capture the essence of being a director, wells that’s something. You have thousands of choices, and with a zillion preset scene options, the ability to move the camera any way you like, with sweeping dolly moves and crane fly bys, to using greenscreen, bluescreen, tons of special effects, sets that vary from a full on Western location, to a major city, to a creepy graveyard, to whatever, even a alien planet. It pretty much covers everything you could want to do. The costumes vary from the cheesy sci fi look of the 30’s to the slick zombies of the 90’s. Western, Action, Romance, Comedy, Drama and Horror are the staple genres.

The game's only failing is in post production where they could have made a better editor and interface. But nonetheless, it can be managed. The website for the game allows you to upload your movies free and let them be seen and reviewed by others. And with a good film comes perks, like custom downloadable content.

click each screenshot for bigger image.

It's a lot of fun. So, if you're low on cash, but want to make that big budget action sci fi pic that you always dreamed of, here is your chance. I have seen a few of the films on the site, and some are pretty good. Watchable good. Next week, I think I will interview a few people who make films on the site, ones that I like and, well, lets just say it might be interesting.

Over all, I think ya’ll should check it out. Totally worth it. Now I gotta run cause I'm off to make a movie before lunchtime.

Jay swears he is not making Barnyard Babes, Volume 7

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Sometimes I see a film and think “Holy Jebus, that was awful.” The following films gave me the opposite reaction. I recently watched two of what I would consider the best films of the year. What you say. Yeah, well I want to talk about them. You MUST see these two films.

1. The Prestige. (Christian Bale, Hugh Jackman, Michael Caine, Scarlett Johansson David Bowie) WOW. This is filmmaking. This is how you tell a story. It from Christopher Nolen, who brought us the oh so clever Memento. The Prestige is a unique story with a familiar theme, revenge and obsession. It follows the lives of two men, Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman, who once worked together as magicians in early 19^th century. When a tragedy comes between them, their entire lives are spent trying to ruin and steal from the other. On the surface, it’s a tale of two very driven men obsessed with being the best. One of them, well he’s the real deal. The best there is, and nobody knows how he does it. Any of it. He’s got an air of mystery and a strange manner of doing things. Driven by a deep seated anger and desire to ruin each other, even better is the one upping and treachery and the thing is, these two are willing to go to any extreme to bring bad things to the other. When you can really do magic, that makes it more interesting. And did I mention David Bowie flawlessly and creepily plays Nikola Tesla. Yeah, this film is amazing.

The story is flawless. Some films try and shove twists and turns down are throat, this film, like a great slight of hand trick, does not, it simply shows us everything, but we focus of the trick being shown. This film doesn’t force anything on us, it just does what it does and is much better than others like it. This is a real mystery. I could not recommend this film enough. See it. I have given you a vague outline of the story, because I don’t want to spoil anything. Just see it. And don’t get interrupted during the time you watch it. Start to finish, this is a masterpiece.

2. The Illusionist. (Ed Norton, Paul Giamatti, Jessica Biel, Rufus Sewell) Edward Norton has to be one of the greatest actors of our time. Period. He has very few peers, and without exception, brings a sense of truth and depth to every role he plays. This is no different. Its nothing like The Prestige, this is part love story, a bit of a thriller and mystery, and a story of truth set in turn of the century Vienna. Let me start by saying, Nortons Character, Eisenheim the Illusionist, is the real thing. The story makes it clear. When he was a kid, he met a magician, the story goes, and soon after that meeting could do amazing things and tricks. As a kid, he and the soon to be Duchess played by Biel, are childhood lovers, and the well to do family of Beil will not have it. So they of course threaten to jail his family if he sees her again. So off in the world he goes seeking out the mysteries of the universe. The next time we see him, he is a successful performer. With one notable difference. He performs on an empty stage. Nothing but a chair and occasion prop. Behind the scenes playing out is the politics of the story, where the Crown Prince, played masterfully by Sewell and all around evil fellow, is setting himself up to overthrow the king. Guess who he is set to marry. Yup, Biel. So they attend Nortons show, and the rest is love lost love found. But that’s just on the surface. The murder, intrigue and plot twists have only begun. Like I said, anything more would spoil this. Just watch it, and I can promise you wont be disappointed. It’s an amazing film, shot with a subtle air of the first films ever made, it has this soft glow about it that doesn’t bother you, but gives it an amazing look. Its almost like the whole thing was lit like a turn of the century theatre and that’s what they shot. The story is wonderful, and I just cant say enough about these tow film. I rarely get the chance to add new favorites to my list, these two went on it faster than anything I can remember. I think you will enjoy them.

Posted by Jay Scott at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (6) | Del.icio.us It | Fark It | Digg It

Some of the greatest moments in film are not visual. They are the crux of important story changes, they are the words that propel the story forward and endure us to those who speak them. Words carefully written by the writer, and spoken by the actor. Think about it. What would JAWS be without Quint's eerie monologue about the fate on the USS Indianapolis?

“And the idea was, the shark nearest man and then he'd start poundin' and hollerin' and screamin' and sometimes the shark would go away. Sometimes he wouldn't go away. Sometimes that shark, he looks right into you. Right into your eyes. You know the thing about a shark, he's got... lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eye. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be livin'. Until he bites ya and those black eyes roll over white. And then, ah then you hear that terrible high pitch screamin' and the ocean turns red and spite of all the poundin' and the hollerin' they all come in and rip you to pieces.”

Those kind of moments where the actor takes the written word, makes it their own, and volia, serendipity strikes and we end up with one of the greatest moments in film.

There are lots of these examples, moments where you can feel the moment. Like in The Shawshank Redemption where Red tells us how Andy got away.

“In 1966, Andy Dufresne escaped from Shawshank prison. All they found of him was a muddy set of prison clothes, a bar of soap, and an old rock hammer, damn near worn down to the nub. I used to think it would take six-hundred years to tunnel under the wall with it. Old Andy did it in less than twenty. Oh, Andy loved Geology, I guess it appealed to his meticulous nature. An ice age here, million years of mountain building there. Geology is the study of pressure and time. That's all it takes really, pressure, and time. That, and a big god-damned poster. Like I said, in prison a man will do anything to keep his mind occupied. It turns out Andy's favourite hobby was totin' his wall through the exercise yard, a handful at a time. I guess after Tommy was killed, he decided he had been here just about long enough. Andy did like he was told, buffed those shoes to a high mirror shine. The guard simply didn't notice, neither did I... I mean, seriously, how often do you really look at a mans shoes? Andy crawled to freedom through five-hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want too. Five-Hundred yards... that's the length of five football fields, just shy of half a mile.”

I love these moments in films. They are the brilliant little things that make a moment. In a lot, if not most films today, that seems to be the one thing that’s missing. Story, it seems, gets cast aside for effects, action and general BS that passes or tries to pass a cinema. When is the last time you saw a film and felt, literally felt an emotion just based on the words being spoken? Its far and few between, and some people think bad chatty dialogue passes muster, when in fact, its just a cheap string of words tossed together in hope of it making sense. When did great little moments like James Earl Jones in Field of Dreams telling Costner that people will come?

Ray, people will come Ray. They'll come to Iowa for reasons they can't even fathom. They'll turn up your driveway not knowing for sure why they're doing it. They'll arrive at your door as innocent as children, longing for the past. Of course, we won't mind if you look around, you'll say. It's only $20 per person. They'll pass over the money without even thinking about it: for it is money they have and peace they lack. And they'll walk out to the bleachers; sit in shirtsleeves on a perfect afternoon. They'll find they have reserved seats somewhere along one of the baselines, where they sat when they were children and cheered their heroes. And they'll watch the game and it'll be as if they dipped themselves in magic waters. The memories will be so thick they'll have to brush them away from their faces. People will come Ray. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again. Oh... people will come Ray. People will most definitely come.”

Those are the moments that hold a whole film together for everyone. It’s the parts that reach inside of you and never leave. I wonder why these moments are so far and few between nowadays. Writers getting more hack-ish? Studios cutting down on the great chit chat? Who knows. Lots of actors think they know how to deliver, but in truth they do not. It’s a sad little fact. If “To Kill a Mockingbird” was made for the first time today, the only person they could cast as Atticus Finch, in my mind would be Alec Baldwin. Say that you will, but he can deliver the goods. Just watch “The Cooler” “State and Main” or “ Glenngarry Glenn Ross”. Now that I think of it, so could Matthew McConaughey. In “A Time To Kill” he gave one of the most moving performances of his career to date. As that young Atticus like lawyer in a heated racial trial. Its one of the few books made into a film that I like the adaptation of. Not a lot can top his summation during the trial to the jury with his monologue. I totally digress.

So what are you favorite moments of well used words in a film? What are the ones that stand out to you? I leave you with this:

Atticus Finch: There are some things that you're not old enough to understand just yet. There's been some high talk around town to the effect that I shouldn't do much about defending this man.

Scout: If you shouldn't be defending him, then why are you doing it?

Atticus Finch: For a number of reasons. The main one is that if I didn't, I couldn't hold my head up in town. I couldn't even tell you or Jem not to do somethin' again.

[he puts his arm around her]

Atticus Finch: You're gonna hear some ugly talk about this in school. But I want you to promise me one thing: That you won't get into fights over it, no matter what they say to you.

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Posted by Jay Scott at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (6) | Del.icio.us It | Fark It | Digg It

So this week Anna Nicole Smith died in a bit of a mystery. I’m sure soon we can all go on with our lives once we know how she died and the circumstances surrounding her untimely demise. I expect that we will hear more and more about how much people liked her, how wonderful she was and all the ballyhoo that goes with it. It seems while she was alive she was a bit of a joke to everyone. I mean five minutes of the “Anna Nicole Show” and you get it. She wasn’t aware of very much and now with her passing it seems history will be re-written and she will become some modern re-telling of Marilyn Monroe. Yes, Hollywoodland is just that vulgar. They will ride this for weeks and guess what? Its gets even sadder.

Hollywood is truly the weirdest place on Earth. So next will come the retrospectives, the confessions and the worst part, her five month old baby will suffer through a life of her mother's past. She will be the center of a greed fest and money scandal before she can even say “momma”. Sad isn’t it? I’m sure her estranged white trash loser family will pop outta the wood work seeking the “Child's best interest” and with that, the money this little girl stands to inherit. Anna Nicole didn’t speak to her family for a reason and now I hear them on Larry king talking about her like they just spent the past 10 years with her. It's twisted. Its going to be the media's newest thing. They will be all over this like a bum on a Twinkie. If you remember last week I was going on about the sad state of reality TV, well now it has its first death of any significance. Anna Nicole Smith.

It's really horrible that there will be long drawn out legal battles over this. It's even sadder that in the middle is an infant baby girl. So this is what we have come to. This is what we have created. This kid doesn’t have much of a chance for a normal life but let's hope she gets a shot at one. Let's hope she doesn’t go the way of her mother. Hollywood has a history of making things worse. This is no exception but the rule it would seem. In the center of this frenzy, a little girl lost her mom. Her trials and tribulations are just begining, and le'ts hope we as a public will just let her slip off into obscurity. Of course, who am I kidding. We have not heard the last of this that’s for sure.

One day we should hold the mirror up to ourselves and see if our weird little lives could stand up to the scrutiny, the invasion and the constant BS that comes with it. I don’t understand why anyone would want to be famous. It seems to suck a lot as all you see and hear is drama, tragedy and asshattery on a grand scale. We created this mess, that’s for sure.

All I can say is buy some boots. The bullshit is going to flow in the next few weeks and you don’t want to get any on you do you?

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Posted by Jay Scott at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4) | Del.icio.us It | Fark It | Digg It

So I had some time off and got around to watching some TV shows I never really had any interest in. Reality TV to be exact.

Whoa.

Let me start by saying there are some really really stupid shows being made today. Let's start with what I would consider the worst offender.

“Real Housewives of Orange County” I have never in my life seen such vapid, worthless, snobby, idiototic, obnoxious, obtuse, self absorbed, narcissistic asshats in my life than the people they put on TV with this show. If you have had the joy of seeing this, then for the entire state of California, let me be the one to say I’m sorry. These people don’t represent us in any way. I know everybody has people like this in whatever city they live in, but this is just a bit much for me. I mean, there are people in Beverly Hills that gotta be looking at this show thinking, “Wow, those are some obnoxious wannabe rich snobs with partial retardation.”

Seriously. These people are the very ones that likely bought Paris Hilton's Cd (mystery solved!) These people are INSANE. It seems to me that having big boobs and being as dumb as a bag of rocks is all that really makes you a real housewife of Orange County. They wander around through life wanting to be actual people of influence. All they are in the low end is people with money. They seem to have been spawned from the loins of writers from “Days of Our Lives.” Because these people can't be real.

Well, infact they are real and as punishment for something I did in my past life, one of these TV Tarts lives in my neighborhood. Swell. These are the people that really think money means everything. Jebus H. Their kids are a mess, in serious need of therapy. And while admittedly hot, the daughters of these women are as vapid and empty as a box of air. These people are embarrassing. Sadly, I don’t think they know just how awful and sad they come off as. Reality TV has given just about everyone their 15 minutes, but my god, these idiots need to be launched into space, never to return. Even Anna Nicole Smith is embarrassed for them. How sad.

It's sad to see that these people wander around doing what they do, acting how they do. These are the people that think because they have a little money, they don’t have to be polite to regular worker bees, they can look down on people with less pricey cars, and would feel really sad for you because your purse isn’t a Dooney and Burke. How can you live!! How sad for the rest of us.

Anyways, some other offenders in this insane trip down “Look at me” lane are:

I Love New York. All I have to say about this show is: What the holy fuck is that?

Top Chef Survivor meets Julia Childs. Wow, these people have such high self importance issues. I mean, you’re a cook, get over yourself Wolfgang.

The White Rapper Show I never thought I would use the following in a article, but never ever has there been a more appropriate time to say “L-O-fucking-L” than the first two seconds I saw this show. They should have called it “Who wants to be dumber than K-Fed?”

Listen fellas, the last time somebody tried to copy the Beastie Boys, who have the corner on the whole White Rap gig FYI, we ended up with Vanilla Ice. Please please please let it go. Whitey can't rap. I wonder what the fallout would be if some network had “The Black Accountant Show” or the “Hispanic Stock Broker Show”. Wow, this country is really fucked up isn’t it? We are so not the people who grew up playing on real asphalt with lawn darts anymore. Being “PC” or “Politically Correct” for those who were born after the 90’s, has just taken over everything. I know they would shit themselves and good ol Rev Jacskon and that other guy, the one with serious with issues, Al whatshisface, would drop dead if there were such reversals. I digress.

Armed and Famous Yeah, Im sure every single law enforcement official in America is happy about this. I mean really. I’ve have seen a movie by the Fat Boys that was more amusing. Yeah, that one.

So all I can say is no wonder the rest of the world thinks we're pretty much a joke of a society. Look at what we put on TV to reflect ourselves.

Well, like the old Chinese curse goes, “May you live in interesting times.”

Jay shot a hole in his TV after watching Flava of Love

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This week is a little bit off the normal nonsense I write up here. This week I wanted to talk about what I watch and TV weekly and why, and find out what other people like.

Yeah, sounds like a wild time don’t it? So let's put away the ol Hookers and Blow chit chat and talk about some of the things we watch.

I seem to find my taste in television viewing hasn’t really changed in 20 years. I’m not one of those people who droned on over “Friends” or “ C.S.I.” In fact, I have never seen a single episode of C.S.I. Whatever, not for me.

Up until it was canceled, I was pretty religious about “Deadwood.” "Deadwood" is one of those shows where the people and places are dirty, not Disney clean, where it carries and air of subtle misery mixed with the hard reality of the times. It was damn fine TV and I liked every moment of it.

Yeah, I like “The Sopranos” like the rest of the universe, but you can't deny a show that great.

What about the other stuff? Well, I was a HUGE fan of “The West Wing,” not because it was slanted toward my politics, no, because it was smart and clever. That’s why I watch “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.” Aaron Sorkin knows his craft, knows how to create engaging shows, and knowing the industry from the inside. That show is A LOT closer to reality than its non-funny or not so clever counterpart, "30 Rock." In fact, I was annoyed the only time I watched "30 Rock." What gives? It's just lame, for lack of a better term.

I digress.

I you haven’t seen “Shark” with James Woods, you're missing out. James Woods is cool. No matter what he does, he's cool. So yeah, if you wanna watch James Woods be cool and do cool shit, watch "Shark." Woods as a former high end defense lawyer, now working high profile cases as an assistant D.A in Los Angeles is cool. Legal TV isn’t my thing, as I normally stay away from legal shows. This is an exception.

Duhn Dunn. (yeah you gotta say that part out-loud).

Charlie Rose. If your tired of all the fluffy rainbows and unicorn type interviews you see on Leno and the like, this is the show to watch. Charlie Rose really knows what he’s doing and how you do a real interview. Worth it.

"Entourage" is another good show I like. In fact, it makes me want to smack a friend of mine in the head whenever I watch it. Cause if he would have focused, well then I’d be E to his Vince, but the dumbass got distracted. Oh well. I still like the show.

"Friday Night Lights" is another one I like. I am not a football guy either, but I dig this show. I liked the film, and I like the show. It's pretty down and dirty and plays well. It's not some glitzy nonsense, in fact, its pretty much on par with the film. It’s a football show that’s not about football as much as its about the people. Character driven. What can I say, I like it.

"House" is the reigning favorite. I love this show. It's, well, you either like it or you don’t. I can only say that it's great storytelling, it's compelling and well written and the fact that the show is about an asshole that people only tolerate because he's the best at what he does makes it even better. "House" is by far one of my all time favorite programs to watch. I look forward to it each week. So don’t bug me while I watch it, cause it’s the only show I make plans around. If you watch the show you know what I mean. If not, well, you're missing out. Funny thing is I found it by accident after it's third episode. Hooked like a crack addict every since.

So that’s what I watch weekly, for one reason or another. Other than the occasional Nick at Nite re-runs of "Sanford and Son" or "All in the Family," this about covers it. I always wonder what other people like and why. So this is what I like. I wonder if there is a theme in these I am missing.

“Nonconformity; right... I can't remember the last time saw a twenty something kid with a tattoo of an Asian letter on his wrist. You are one wicked free thinker! You want to be a rebel; stop being cool. Wear a pocket protector like he does, and get a hair cut. Like the Asian kids that don't leave the library for a twenty hours stretch. They're the ones that don't care what you think.” -Dr. House.

Jay once watched three episodes of Full House before he realized he was watching the wrong show

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We see a lot of stories in movies today that are as interesting as your typical Blues Clues mystery these days. There seems to be this trend where the formula is “as little story as possible” and way too much action. It's like studios feel that a film can be a two hour action sequence with little to no plot development or story. It's weird. Ever watch a trailer and know exactly what the movie was going to be like, start to finish? It's sad really.

Back in the good ol days, we had stories. Character development, interesting plots, conflicts that drove the tale forward. Now, we just have a lot of gimmicks. Like movies based on a series of effects. Just toss in some chit chat and voila, people will pay to see it.

Of course, the studios have found out the hard way that’s not entirely true. People will demand more. Loads of big budget films over the last few years have not made the big bucks, unlike small independents that are all story. Those have been doing very very well.

Cycles. It all runs in cycles. Sadly, studio execs are mostly dim bulbs when it comes to this. There are exceptions, like with anything. It's just rare. I think the last creative storytellers have all ventured into the video game industry. What, you say? Yeah, well follow me on this for a second. I was in on this before it became mainstream. I had been involved with projects that never made it, but they were good, and we didn’t sell them short. I wont say which, but know, I know of what I speak.

In the world of video games, they have much more creative freedom to tell stories. And they don’t make chick flick video games. Thank God for that. Honestly, they weave complicated tales and cover everything we don’t get to see in films anymore. Unless they try and make a film out of a game, which hardly ever works. The thing about a video game is all subject. Not just action, but, subject. They put a lot of effort into the set up, the story. The give us detailed storylines and complicated, but manageable plots. It's funny, because whenever I see a really great game, I think, wow, done right, this would make a great film or series, too bad they will only fuck it up.

Example. Games like “Thief-The Dark Project” which has a very intriguing and fascinating storyline, would make great films, but the studios, always playing down to the lowest common denominator, always muck it up. Games Like the fps, F.E.A.R, which is spooky and interesting, yet filled with action, is another. Popular titles, and they have good storylines, but the problem is, a studio will stray from what made the game work and do whatever they want, thus losing the appeal of the original story. I’m sure everyone knows the list of horrible video game films, crapfests like Wing Commander, Mortal Kombat and, say it aint so, Tomb Raider. Yeah, I totally hated those because they made them too cartoony and could have done so much better.

I think, left alone, and given proper budgets and access, Video game companies should take a shot at making films without the studios. They just need to do what they do in games and not try and “make a movie” but instead, use what they know to tell a story. They are pretty good at that. The film will come out of there not being star struck and beholden to the studios. No, in fact, they should spend a few mill and try something new.

Just sayin.

Jay thinks Leisure Suit Larry would have made a great movie

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INT. BLUE DOOR FIGHT CLUB - NIGHT

The BELL RINGS and the fighters return to their corner... Somebody heaves a beer can into the ring.

And that’s how it started. That’s the opening of the greatest underdog story of our time. That’s how the film “Rocky” opens. Along with that amazing theme music from Bill Conti, that inspires anyone who listens. It's all there. A hero we root for, someone who we can really take one of the greatest personal journeys ever made with. I mean, we get to be there for it.

In 1977 “Rocky” won best picture at the Oscars. It won numerous others including Best Editing, and Best Director. And guess what? Sylvester Stallone wrote it. He wrote all the Rocky films, and directed the 2nd one til the end. Did you know he's one of only three people to EVER get nominated for best actor and writer? The others were Charlie Chaplin and Orson Wells. Kinda makes you think, don’t it? Don’t judge Stallone over the zillions of action movies he was in, judge him on what HE wrote and directed.

Now I recently went to see “Rocky Balboa” because I am a fan of these films. Well, I, II, II and the current one. It's no small feat for Stallone to have created and guided one of the best franchises in film history. Sure, Stallone's Jar-Jar Binks was Dolph Lungren with the “I must break you” and whatever.

In the end, Stallone puts the perfect ending together. Let us not forget, it was Stallone who created this, Stallone who gave us Mr. T in the form of Clubber Lang, gave us Mickey and Adrian and the great Apollo Creed and his trainer and corner man, Duke, who becomes Rocky’s trainer when Apollo gets him to find “The Eye of the Tiger.” Stallone, well, he was the underdog in real life. He wrote it and when everyone wanted to buy it, he turned down a lot of money to stand by his one true goal. He wanted to play the title role. Stallone held out and the studio gave in. And we got the perfect Rocky Balboa.

I must insist that everyone go see this final film. Its, well truthfully, it's a lot like the first film. Just like Rocky himself, it's all heart. There are some very touching moments in this film, and Stallone delivers. Big time. He goes back to the Rocky we first met, the one we all know and root for no matter what. He takes us to the end of this old prize fighter's journey, and does it with dignity. Its poetic. I’m not going to write reviews and breakdowns of all the films, I am going to just suggest that you pick up the box set and watch them. All the way through over a week. It's pretty amazing. After all, it's like a time machine. I love watching the story unfold about this guy from Philly who gets a shot, and takes it. You just can't beat Rocky; try as they do, you can't beat a guy whose heart is in it. I love that theme, that life lesson.

So, if you haven’t, see the last installment. Then see the rest again. It will not disappoint you, I promise.

A-Yo, Rock. You did it.

“Ah come on, Adrian, it's true. I was nobody. But that don't matter either, you know? 'Cause I was thinkin', it really don't matter if I lose this fight. It really don't matter if this guy opens my head, either. 'Cause all I wanna do is go the distance. Nobody's ever gone the distance with Creed, and if I can go that distance, you see, and that bell rings and I'm still standin', I'm gonna know for the first time in my life, see, that I weren't just another bum from the neighborhood.”

Jay taught Clubber Lang to say "Pain" and "I pity the fools".

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It happens every year. Just like Christmas, we also get the fun follow up, the day after Christmas. Yippie. As I write this, I have on Jeff Beck’s version of “Amazing Grace”. You know, to set the tone for this week’s word-fest. Play it if you got it. I’ll wait a sec. If not, pop in your favorite holiday tune then read. Just go with me on this. Trust me. Got the song up? Good. Now onward we go.

The Day After Christmas…. it’s when you realize that you were a victim of all the holiday cheer, all the wishful thinking, all the Yuletide fun we agonize over when Thanksgiving ends. Yeah, except that one guy over there. He doesn’t give a fuck. Heh, I think I will buy him a drink and tell him why he should. So here ya go.

See, a lot of people forget the meaning behind Christmas. It's not really not about how much loot you get, or how awesome your lights are, or really, what you buy for people. It’s not even about the whole Jesus birthday thing, not anymore anyways. In my humble opinion, it’s how we should be all the time. Giving, charitable, kind, thoughtful, and forgiving.

Yeah, I’m not one to play the sap, or get all sweet on ya. But you know what, It gets me thinking every year. People SUCK during the holidays. Really, they do. People are rude while shopping in crowed malls. People are obnoxious, and greedy. They are the first ones to brag about getting their kid the newest this or that, or how they got the nicest token of affection for their significant other, but then those same people will cut your throat for a parking space. Makes me wanna deck something, and not the halls.

They will walk past you while you hold a door open and say nothing. Nada. Zip. Yeah, joy to the motherfucking world, dickhead. And a hearty fuck you, too. I have even seen a guy push a pregnant women out of the way to grab some useless trinket. What gives? Yeah, tis the season to put that guy's nuts in a fucking vice until they goddamn pop. There’s your fucking chestnuts on an open fire you cocksucker. The open fire doesn’t come with the vice, it's sold separately. Try Home Depot for that.

So, the day after Christmas all these swell people, these giving souls, go right back to the same old bullshit. Well, I think its horse-ass. I think they, and those like them, are the reason we have lost the true meaning of Christmas. Let's forget the whole religious fairy tale, and whatever bullshit comes with it. Let's just think about the meaning, the implied meaning, really. Good will toward all men, you remember that part right? So, I could go on a whole political rant, or use my favorite saying, “The Christian Right is Neither” and on and on, but no, I want to just go another way.

Time for a song change. Here comes Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band playing “The Little Drummer Boy”. Nice.

The Day after Christmas is the day you should do something different. Now is your chance. How about this year, you give up that parking space when the chance arrives, or you say thank you to the guy holding the door open, or you just do something nice at random that doesn’t really put you out, like let that guy over when he uses his signal instead of speeding up.

I swear to motherfucking all that is holy, the next time some jerk-off pulls that speed up gimmick, I am going to take a tire iron to his shiny new Benz. I digress.

You know what I want for Christmas? I want people to treat other people better. That’s it. It isn’t world peace, but it’s free and it’s possible. Cause if the whopping eight people that read this take that seriously, hey, I’m happy. I leave you with this.

Lights, please. Thanks.

“And there were in the same world, shepherds abiding in the fields, keeping watch over their flocks by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the lord shone round about them, and they were afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not, for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

"For unto you this day is the Day after Christmas, and from now on you are going to quit making shit up about God, and putting words in his mouth, and lo, be ashamed, for you are some self righteous motherfuckers who think the holidays are something to be commercialized and exploited for advertising and personal gain and thou you may not walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will personally ensure that you crawl every fucking last inch of that valley through glass and ball sweat on your hands and knees if you continue with this bullshit, for we have no more tolerance for this nonsense, for the Lord is pissed, and when the Lord's pissed, you can bet your ass he will make with the “Holy Motherfucking Smite”©, for the Lord cares not about you having the nicest car or the brightest lights, or the biggest boobs, for the lord wants you to stop being a jerk-off and get with the human drama, and this too shall be, for the lord sayeth so, and trust me, you don’t wanna piss him off, or we’ll be forced to put some fire and brimstone up your ass.

"So when the lord sayeth, you better fucking doith, got my meaning, because lo, the Lord is pissed off and means it when the Lord says none of you sickos killing in his name know what the fuck your talking about, and in fact, rejoice for the lord will open some serious whoop-ass on those who think otherwise, and post haste too."

And then the angel of the lord turned and spoke directly to the shepherds wives saying unto them,"knock off with bitching and moaning, these motherfuckers work hard shepherding all day, and that ain’t a job that brings a whole lotta fucking glory, and the pay sucks, so I say unto you, quit breakin’ their balls, dig?"

And, then the angel of the Lord smiled and said unto them with great joy, "you better get your shit together, cause if I gotta come back down here and explain the whole Christmas thing again, I am going to bring some serious wrath with me and lay it up on your ass."

And suddenly there was with the angel, a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, good will toward men."

That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

Jay will make you be nice to each other year round. Dammit.

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So as I sat wondering what I was going to write this week, one of the greatest Christmas shows came on TV, and, I like I do every year, I dropped everything to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas.”

Yeah, I’m funny that way.

Now the thing that I love about this little piece of my childhood is, well, it’s a piece of my childhood. I think anyone would agree it’s an all time favorite.

Except my son.

He just didn’t seem to enjoy it. I was starting to wonder at this point if he was secretly switched at birth or even mine at all. I mean, who doesn’t LOVE this show? Then it hit me. Cartoons today are nothing like when I was a kid. You know, Tom & Jerry, Bugs Bunny, Road Runner, Rocky and Bullwinkle and the like. Today it’s all this wacky twisted nonsensical crap with a lot of kung-fu and Jibba Jabba. I don’t like no Jibba Jabba fool. (Heh, I worked a Mr. T quote into a Christmas story, I am the king of awesome) I pity the fool that digresses.

Christmas specials are one of the more tolerable things about the holiday season. They remind us of what was fun about being a kid. Nowadays it seems their sole purpose is to sell toys and make kids think that the more stuff you have the happier you will be. Meh, I disagree totally with this nonsense.

So, in the spirit of the holidays, I offer up some of my personal favorites, and likely the staples of the holidays for most of us who woke up one day to find we are now grown-ups. I mean some of these go back to the freakin early 60’s. Far out huh?

1. A Charlie Brown Christmas

Who doesn’t love it when Schroeder gets frustrated with Lucy’s inane yammering about playing Jingle bells and after play a series of beautiful melodies cracks into a single key version of Jingle Bells? Or the very sweet rendition of Linus’s meaning of Christmas, and of course, the music. The music is a big part of this show. The one thing I think everyone will agree upon is the tree. The little tiny sickly tree that Charlie Brown gets. Yeah, that tree. I know a few years I always got that tree on purpose. The little one that nobody else wanted. Yeah, I liked it. Anyways, this little show from the 60’s is still a favorite and worth seeing again and again. Merry Christmas Charlie Brown!

2. The Year without a Santa Claus

I love this show for one reason. Heat Miser. Yup, Mr. 101 himself. I mean who doesn’t love this song?

3. How the Grinch Stole Christmas

Yeah, this is the one, not the crap they made with Jim Carrey. The one narrated by Ol’ Boris Karloff himself. “You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch. You really are a heel. You're as cuddly as a cactus, You're as charming as an eel. Mr. Grinch”.


4. Moonlighting-Twas the Episode Before Christmas

I loved this show, and I mean loved it. However, the one thing I liked most was how sometimes they would do an episode totally out of context ( Atomic Shakespeare anyone? Otherwise known as The Taming of the Shrew Episode) Every TV show seems to do an Christmas Episode, but this one is clever and funny and its freakin Moonlighting. If I remember right, they ran outta script and the cast improvised the last few minutes of the show. Wow, it’s been awhile, but I think I gotta ask Santa for the entire DVD collection. They also have the other one, “It’s a Wonderful Job” based on, duh, “It’s a Wonderful Life” and this holiday episode makes Maddie see what life would be like if she closed the agency in the first episode. All the expected stuff happens, but if I remember it was David and Maddie's first kiss in that one. Moonlighting was great. One of TV better accomplishments. Instead of Die Hard IV, they should be making a Moonlighting feature. Ok, I, once again digress. Anyone remember this little gem from Moonlighting?

Security Officer: I'm sorry, but you're not on the guest list.
David Addison: That's because we're not guests. We're looking for a man with a mole on his nose.
Security Officer: A mole on his nose?
Maddie Hayes: A mole on his nose.
Security Officer: [to Maddie] What kind of clothes?
Maddie Hayes: [to David] What kind of clothes?
David Addison: What kind of clothes do you suppose?
Security Officer: What kind of clothes do I suppose would be worn by a man with a mole on his nose? Who knows?
David Addison: Did I happen to mention, did I bother to disclose, that this man that we're seeking with the mole on his nose? I'm not sure of his clothes or anything else, except he's Chinese, a big clue by itself.
Maddie Hayes: How do you do that?
David Addison: Gotta read a lot of Dr. Seuss.
Security Officer: I'm sorry to say, I'm sad to report, I haven't seen anyone at all of that sort. Not a man who's Chinese with a mole on his nose with some kind of clothes that you can't suppose. So get away from this door and get out of this place, or I'll have to hurt you - put my foot in your face.

Heh. So that’s what I got for this week. Christmas memories. They differ for all of us, but some things we share as a common denominator, and that’s Christmas Episodes and Specials. Growing up is one thing, growing up without these seems just wrong.

So I leave you with this.

“Twas the night before Chirstmas on FTTW, when all through the net, not a comment was posted, at least none yet.”

Produced By owns the Care Bears Holiday Collection on DVD, VHS and LaserDisc

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So, back to 2003 we go….

So let me start this by saying most of what I am about to write has been told to me by those that were there, for I was in such a state that I only remember bits and pieces of it. So let me put on “ A Charlie Brown Christmas” and tell you how I ruined it one year. In my little world the saying “You ruined Christmas”, doesn’t come from this event, but I’ll share that story another time.

Here is some back-story. I have had the same friends since I was 12. Lets call them Tony, Rob, Cerena and Kristin. A few additions along the timeline are Jenn, Scott and Tasha. Lets just assume I made those names up.

For as long I can remember, both Tony and Kristin have been together, as have Rob and Cerena. Well, Tony and Kristin got together and married after High School (as I helped make that happen, thanks very much), but she came along around the time we were 15. Rob and Cerena got together when we were 16 and for as far back as time went, we were a group. All of us. Scott came along later, round the time we were 20, and Jenn about the same time. In fact, I have known her since she was 16 and I was 19, but knock it off with the jokes, that’s my baby's momma. I digress.

Every year since we were 16 or so we spent Christmas Eve together. It became our thing. It's what we did. After we hit our 20’s, it was always hosted by Tony and Kristin. It was always my very favorite night of the year. Having grown up together, we saw each other all the damn time. Sunday breakfast, weekly dinner and drinks, most holidays, marriages etc. Everything life offered, we shared it together. I don’t remember much about the day my son was born, but I do remember that these people, my friends, were there. And that’s all that counted. So, like you see in the movies, well, that’s how it was. And all was well for many a year.

Then the epidemic hit. First Scott got divorced from what everyone agrees to be the Anti-Christ. That was April-ish. Then come August, Tony and Kristin separate and file, and by the end of September, Rob and Cerena were done. That was a fucking brutal year. Brutal, because from my standpoint, me, the guy whom most would agree was raised by wolves, was watching what I consider to be my family break apart. It was fucking awful. So here I am, stuck in this middle of what the holy fuck situation.

I mean, I had a key to their houses, we were family. These are my son's Godparents, carefully chosen, so that in the event of my demise and that of Jenn, these people would raise our boy. So the coming of Christmas Eve was looking pretty grim.

And that’s where our story begins. Sorta, since I just laid out a whole fucking back-story for you, just pretend it starts here.

Christmas Eve is upon us, and sadly, with all the divorces, this is looking like a grim affair. We decide that we will still have Christmas Eve at Tony’s. Now during all this time that people were breaking up, it's important to note that I was the friend that was there. I was the guy looking out for his friends, getting the calls, being the pillar of support, especially for Tony (yeah thanks for that whole best man thing, really, how kind, glad all these years mattered..yeah I gots some issues, but this is Christmas and it’s a fucking Christmas Story).

So I show up with Jenn, and since my Mom is in town, well, instant babysitter. Scott is there, along with Rob, Tony and a few others. We were making merry. And Scott provides me with the biggest bottle of Bombay Gin Sapphire I have ever seen in my life. It's almost too big. I said almost. That’s important later.

The night goes on, and we drink, and joke, and drink, and reminisce. Etc etc. So now, most of the other people not normally here for this have left and we go into our tradition of gift giving.

Ok, let me point out here that Kristin always did the shopping in regards to the Tony /Kristin thing when it came to gifts, because, as wonderful as Tony can be, he just buys lousy gifts. I don’t mean cheap, I mean lousy, like he doesn’t think about what he’s buying (see the original reference to “ you ruined Christmas)”. For example, I know Tony's likes and dislikes, so I shop with great care for him, and always get him thoughtful gifts, as I do with all my friends. He, however, always just got “whatever”, whereas Kristin was thoughtful and sweet. So she bought the gifts. This year, however, that wasn’t the case. So we open gifts and voila, Tony has bought me a knife. A what? Yeah, pretty much you could know me for 30 seconds and know this would be a bad gift for me.

Now before anyone goes on to say how ungrateful I am, let me just say it's not about the what, its about the why. I don’t care about what it is, I do care about why. Meh, that’s just me. Ok so, I'm a little shocked by this, but say nothing. The rest of the night goes on and we drink more. Then it happens. I find it. The magical thing that makes the whole night turn.

A few years back for Christmas I bought Tony a really nice amp to go with the 1940’s style microphone that Kristin got him. You know, a full on microphone with a stand. Tjat amp is plugged in next to the piano. It's on, its calling to me. By now that bottle of Bombay Gin, yeah its over half gone by me. I can barley fucking stand, let alone act with any social safeguards.

I first make a few test sounds. Sinatra is just starting to sing My Way in the background, so of course I sing along. It's my favorite song, so I’m drunk and I think I’m fucking singing like Sinatra, when in fact it sounds like someone put a cat in a dryer. On tumble dry.

Song ends, there’s laughing etc. and suddenly my mouth opens and I have no idea how. I start by asking Tony what’s with the knife and saying how much I miss Kristin cause she bought great gifts and WTF was Tony thinking with a knife. Why did he get divorced from her, this sucked etc. Then I turn to Rob and ask him about Cerena, and make jokes about how if he can't knock her up, he should let me take a pass. Oh yeah, it was awful. I go on about how it sucks they are all divorced, and how the big fuck up of the group managed to keep it together, but they couldn’t. How I had the worst family out of all of them, the crappiest examples, yet here I was raising a great kid and doing well and all was good, but they had to go and fuck up. Jenn at this point is horrified, I think.

I have been told this went on for 20 minutes or so longer. Nobody could believe it, and the only reason they didn’t stop me was to see what I would say next. I know I made Tony cry, as I was told he left the room totally crushed. Merry Fucking Christmas. Yeah, I was outta my tree. I remember none of it. Not one single moment. A soon as I made the first crack, the rest goes blank. I was so drunk, I threw up for hours. And hours. My eyes were bloodshot from it, burst a few blood vessels even. The only reason this ended is because I fell down and blacked out. Only to wake praying to god to make it stop. Time never went sooooo slow.

Here was the worst year of our collective lives and I cracked. I crumbled under the weight of it all and let it all out in one drunken blur. I did, in fact, ruin Christmas.

It was 2 weeks before Tony and I talked again, as his new girlfriend needed help with her surround sound and the others let me off the hook because they seemed to feel a lot of what I was doing was funny.

Later I found out that I didn’t know I had drank so much because Rob and Scott thought it was funny to keep my gin and tonics full, so I couldn’t ensure my intake was lower and my normal level was passed. Hilarious indeed.

So kids, I’m sure everyone has a tale like this. This is mine. I never drink that way anymore, not at all. Just a few for me, because as it would seem, I’m not very good at it.

Don’t ya just love the holidays?

Hark, the Herald Angels sing, too much Gin will make you an asshole.

Jay just drinks rum and yells at his friends nowadays

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So I was watching this movie I really like, over the weekend and it made me think about some films that I always enjoy watching, but that are a little on the “not many people have seen them” side.

So this week I wanted to offer those up and tell ya why I like them. Small Town Movies. They are not important films, great films or films that change your life, but they are interesting films and well worth watching for one reason or another. Amazing as this sounds, I find I like big name actors better in these films than I do the Super Studio ones.

Next week, I’ll tell ya how I once ruined Christmas and I’ll go into the whole drama around my first TV deal. For now, however, if you have some time and some space in your Netflix que, or you see any of these on cable, check them out. After all, these are not blockbuster studio crap; nope, these are charming, funny, dramatic and well told films that you can just enjoy.

So here they are.

1. Mumford (1999) Now, I like this film for a lot of reasons, but the main one is its simplicity. It’s a charming little story about a guy who’s a shrink in a small town. Whoa, I know that sounds like a non stop thrill ride, but go with me on this. With all the town's quirky characters, and the secrets people keep, this one is all about starting over and re-inventing yourself. Small town movies are always a favorite of mine, but this one is better than most. Besides, Lawrence Kasdan is a favorite director/writer of mine and this is one of his best (well Silverado is his best, this is just one of). Anyways, it's just a neat movie, and without blowing the plot for those who haven’t seen it, I’ll just say that’s its worth seeing.

2. Paradise (1988) So here’s a film with Don Johnson, Melanie Griffith (don’t panic, it's good), Thora Birch and Elijah Wood. It's another small town movie, but another good one. It’s a drama with some comedy, but overall this is a film about relationships and accepting things. I like this because Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith really shine together in this film. It's one of those films about them taking in Melanie’s character friend's son (Wood) for the summer while the friend goes off for some reason. Turns out Don and Melanie’s relationship is on the rocks and having the kid there adds to the problem at first, but as it turns out, they all kinda need each other for one reason or another and it's very sweet. Trust me on this, it’s a good film. Just rent it. I like this movie for so many reasons, but most of all it plays honest. That’s hard to find in films, ya know. See it.

3. Nobody’s Fool (1994) I love this movie. A lot. Check this out, Paul Newman, Bruce Willis, Melanie Griffith, Jessica Tandy and Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Home fucking run cast. This is all about small town relationships, quirky people and missed chances. I love this movie for a million reasons, but mainly because the story is solid, the performances are really really good and it holds onto you. I cant Imagine why this wasn’t a bigger film, but is wasn’t. All I know is it’s a brilliant film. The cast knocks it outta the park and you will just love this movie from the get go. See it. It’s the kind of film I wish I had written, and there isn’t one thing about it I would change. This should be on my top ten favorite list. It’s a film with, get this, a story. I know huh? Go figure. Besides. Paul Newman is cool no matter what he does. See it. Trust me, you will think of me as having done you a favor by telling you about it.

4. Milk Money (1994) Ironically, Melanie Griffith is in this film with Ed Harris. It's not a theme, but she has done some pretty fantastic work. This is a really sweet film about love. Ed Harris is a widower who is raising his son alone etc etc. They live in a small town outside a big city, but it's not the suburbs. This is a film about finding love and happiness outside the norm. Melanie plays a hooker with a heart of gold who, when the kids make a bike trip into the big ol city, she ends up giving them a ride home, where the kid wants to introduce her to his dad, but of course there are bad people looking for her etc etc. just see it, it's sweet, it's romantic and it's about my favorite thing, second chances. I really love this movie. Me thinks you will too.

5. Outside Providence (1999) The Farrelly Brothers make some oddball films, but this one always stands out to me. It's about a kid from a small town who gets in trouble one too many times with the man. So to avoid jail, he's gotta go to a prep school and graduate or else. He, of course, is out of his element. This is a really charming film worth seeing, as I think a lot of people missed it. Besides, Alec Baldwin plays his dad to the hilt and really brings in a great performance as a single small town dad who drinks a lot of beer and is a guy's guy. Wanting the best for his kid etc etc. This is a film with what we call heart. See it, see it and see it.

I might not be right about a lot of things, but these films I am right about. See them, and if you have seen them, leave a comment. These are some good ones kids, and I wouldn’t mislead you about them. I love each of these for a different reason, and I think you will too. This is what you do when you go off the normal road and see some films that are what they are. I know you will be happy you saw them. Trust me on this.

Jay swears to us he has no problem with Melanie Griffith. Just don't say her name around him.

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So, I want to introduce you all to a very good friend of mine.

His name is Robert David Sanders, and he is a filmmaker.

A lot of his work can be seen on his website, Starway Pictures. I recommend checking it out, and watching some of the things he’s done. Yeah, I know you haven’t seen his work, but I have. Let me tell you something, Robert could stand toe to toe with the best of them. He’s been making films since I have known him, and we met when we were in High School. Robert was working on a Super 8mm feature called “Heartbeat City” with mutual friends. Now, me having wanted to be in this industry since I was nine, well I knew Robert was someone I wanted to hang out with. We became pretty good friends over the years, worked on lots of projects throughout high school and what little time we spent in film school, and for years after. To me Robert has always “had it." You know, that thing, that vision, that ability to see a film from start to finish and make it compelling. If you watch some of the trailers on his site, things like “Shadow Falls”(pops) “The Dead ”, “Expired ” and “Day 11 ” will knock your socks off. Robert's always been the guy whose coattails I thought I would ride all the way through; after all, he is pretty fucking good at this. So the day I was able to get him a meeting at both Sony and Silver Pictures was a proud one for me. After all, here was my friend, the filmmaker, and I got to put him ‘in the room” for the very first time. And with real deal makers. Now, nothing ever came of it, but it was pretty god damn cool to walk onto a lot with your friend and know you got the meeting for him.

I digress.

Robert just finished making two very expensive "proof of concept shorts." (Shadow Falls and The 23rd Letter) in the form of extended trailers for two projects he intends on making. Robert is lucky enough that his wife, Barbara, also a dear friend, is also his producer and partner. So these two are on the road to the Land of OZ together, and someday, its my hope that I can shell out 15 bucks, sit down in the Arc Light Theatre and watch a film by Robert David Sanders. After all, coattails were made for riding.

I made this week's column an interview with my friend Robert, the Struggling Indy Filmmaker.

Q: Ok, so what's the film that made you want to be in the industry?

A: I know the trendy to thing to say from my generation is Star Wars. And Star Wars was definitely a seminal event in my life. But I’d have to boil it down to two films. Blade Runner was the first film that really grabbed me when I was young. Still being young and inspired by science fiction, it was the first nihlisitc, dark, noir film I’d seen. Later in life I’d grow a deep appreciation for film-noir in general. But Blade Runner was the first. John Carpenter’s Halloween was probably the second most influential on me. Mainly because it scared the shit out of me. It was the first film that got me thinking about wanting to make my own movie. I really wanted to scare other people like that film scared me. And from that point forward I was hooked on a string of horror films from the late 70’s and early 80’s with a bedroom strewn with Fangoria and Starlog magazines.

Q: Do you remember your first movie going experience as a kid?

A: I think it was Jaws. I was only 7. I didn’t see much of it. I feel asleep. My parents and I were at a drive-in theater and I slept in the cab of our pickup truck. But I remember seeing the opening scene with the girl in the water and thought, “ok. I’m outta here.”

Q: What was the first film you made?

A: Of course it was a horror film. It was called The Haunter.

Q: How was that?

A: We couldn’t convince any of our parents to let us use their Super8 cameras. You have to remember these were the family “camcorders” of their time. Therefore they were still considered valuable. And what on earth do a bunch of junior high kids want with a camera anyway? So a good friend of mine suggested we shoot the film on slide film since he owned a 35mm camera. And that’s what we did. We made our first film as a slideshow with an accompanying audio track on cassette tape. It was really goofy.

Q: Who is the absolute best Director out there?

A: I can’t pick just one.

Q: Why so?

A: Every director has their strengths. Some are amazing visual stylists. Some are amazing story tellers. Spielberg and Frank Darabont are two of the few who can do both. David Fincher never ceases to amaze me. James Cameron is the modern George Lucas. Francis Ford Coppola can pull amazing performances out of his cast.

Q: What film that’s been made in the past 10 years do you wish you had a shot at making?

A: Hulk. Dark themes. Supernatural powers. A man on the run from secret government agencies. What’s not to love? Other than the abomination that was made.

Q: What would ya have done different?

A: Everything. It would’ve stuck to its core. It was would’ve been about Dr. Banner running from “the man” and running from himself. It would’ve dealt with his personal demons and his futile attempts to control them. It would’ve been dark. It would’ve been rainy.

Q: Who should have gotten an Oscar that didn’t? Why?

A: Martin Scorsese. Because he’s contributed some of the best damn cinema in history.

Q: Some people find that being a struggling filmmaker has a romantic sense about it, do you think so?

A: Sometimes. People look up to you when you’re making an honest attempt. There are so many shysters out there, so many talkers, so many non-doers that when you find someone who’s really following through with what they say they’re gonna do you cling on to them. You root them on. And that feels good. But that sense of euphoria goes right out the window when the rent comes due or when you watch your friends and family move past you in life because you’re spending all your spare cash and time on film, cameras and projects.

Q: Why do you think this business is so hard to break into?

A: Because if you’re successful there’s a lot of money to be made. An obscene amount, really. And it’s a pretty small business. There’s only so many films and TV shows made a year. So there’s only so many jobs to go around. So the gates are guarded securely.

Q: If you could change one thing about how you have done things, what would that be?

A: I would’ve moved the Los Angeles and wormed my way on to sets at a much earlier age.

Q: Ginger or Mary Ann?

A: Definitely Mary Ann. No brainer.

Q: Sir David Lean or Orson Welles?

A: Good one. I would have to say David Lean - mainly because I think Lawrence of Arabia is one of the best movies ever made. Don’t get me wrong. Citizen Kane is awe inspiring. But it’s no Lawrence of Arabia.

Q: If you had to remake a classic, what you pick? Who would you cast?

A: I can’t think of one. Most of the film’s I’d like to remake are not really considered classics.

Q: So what is it about all the tools available to regular people now that you find as a negative? As a positive?

A: Well it’s certainly easier to make a film that looks decent because of digital cameras and modern desktop editing systems. You no longer have to fight the technology. Just layering multiple tracks of audio used to be a big headache when working on Super8 or 16mm if you had no budget. Keeping picture and sound in sync used to be a nightmare. Today’s young filmmakers have no idea how difficult that used to be. It used to be triumph if you made a film by simply overcoming the technology.

The positive side would be that today’s young filmmakers have to actually make “good” films. There’s no longer bonus points for making a good looking and good sounding movie. Now you have to make a compelling story.

Q: Lets talk about your short Expired. Tell me about that one, since it’s a favorite of mine. You know, how it came about etc.

A: I’ve done a lot of bigger projects since EXPIRED. But it’s still one of my favorites. It’s a short little sci-fi cautionary tale about how technology distances people from each other. I had the idea germinating in my head for a while when the second season of Project Greenlight was announced. And they opened it up to directors this year. So I thought it would be a hoot to enter a film. We threw it all together pretty fast. And it was just one of the projects that just gelled, had synergy and was blessed by the movie gods.

Q: What do you think of the whole Project Greenlight thing?

A: I love it and I hate it. I loved watching the series on HBO and Bravo. I love anything to shows the process. But the show’s were all edited to make the winners of the contest look like dolts and idiots. In the end I think it hurt the potential careers of the winners more than it opened any doors.

Q: How does your process work with a stories beginning to end?

A: A film has to sit with me for a very long time before I even begin to write it. I don’t write the screenplay any more. But I do work out the story, the characters, the arcs and the resolution very clearly. And then I work with a writer to develop the script. And then I filter it through my producer, who is my wife and the paragon of taste, and then we re-work it some more.

Q: What frustrates you about this industry?

A: It’s fixation on star power and mega budgets. What does the industry decide to do when suddenly confronted with declining box office receipts? Make fewer bigger budgeted movies! Insane. What does that really mean? It means the studio has more riding and invested in its projects. Which translates to watering down scripts, taking fewer risks, putting more pressure on the director and hiring bigger name stars irregardless if they’re right for the part.

Q: Think it will ever change?

A: I think a bigger and bigger opportunity for films being made in the Robert Rodriguez style is opening. Modestly budgeted, high-concept films that have smaller risk.

Q: Who do you really want to work with?

A: George Clooney. James Newton Howard.

Q: Ok, have a favorite line from a film?

A: “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”

Q: What would you say to anyone who wants to be a filmmaker just starting out?

A: Just do it. Stop talking about it. No one cares if you know the name of every director in history and every film they made. No one cares that you watch 10 movies a week. No one cares what your opinion of so-and-so’s film is. The only thing that matters is “what did you do?” It’s simple: Put up or shut up. Because the more you put up the better you’ll get. And the better you get the better your odds of getting noticed or making the kind of film that’ll get into a major film festival.

So take note kids, some real sound advice in there. Robert is a filmmakers filmmaker. I knew he'd get his day from the first time I sat watching the premier of “Heartbeat City” in glorious Super 8mm in his backyard with over 100 of our nefarious gang in attendance. It was pretty damn cool. Somehow that film is lost to history, but I’m sure we will find it again, somebody has a copy.

So folks, that’s this weeks slice of my world. If you got a film you're itching to make, just go and do it. Put up or shut up. Advice I shoulda taken many many years ago, because we all have one film in us don’t we? I know I do.

I’ll leave you with this gem from one of the greatest films ever.

“You're a fickle boy, Mink. The Dane finds out you got another amigo, well, I don't peg him as the understandin' type.”

Produced By is being modest. He has more than one film in him. And we at FTTW know he will make them. And he better not forget us when he becomes famous.

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Produced By is a regular FTTW column that is moving from its Saturday slot to Tuesdays. As a welcome to the weekday audience at FTTW, here is Jay's introductory column.

Welcome to Hollywoodland, now get me a cup of joe and shut the fuck up.

So kids, you're fresh off the bus, dreams of stardom in one hand, your granny's old suitcase in the other. Hollywood welcomes you with dirty streets, crazy people and another half a million folks just like you pouring in weekly with the same little dream. Yeah, you're special. You’ve got that one thing we here in LA LA Land have been holding our collective breath for. You’ve got talent, after all everyone in (insert any small town name here) said so. You played the lead in (insert any common high school play here) and everyone told you that you should be in pictures. Hollywood “needed you” they said, you are the next big thing. After all, you are you. That special talent from anywhere America. Listen kiddo, this is the toughest city in the world to make it in. I’ll wager, that within a month, some jerk will talk you into taking some nudie pics, cause after all, Sleezy McSleeze can help your career, introduce you to people, make it happen. He’s here to help, cause you're that special talent, remember? Hey, porn stars come from somewhere, we don’t just grow em like fucking crabapples. It’s a nice thought, but we got plenty of assholes for parents doing that for us all across the states. Amazing how once the chickies hit the pole, they slide right in to porn.

But that’s not why you’re here, no, not you, you're going to be the next fucking big thing. Right. Yeah, ok dollface, we see ya standing there. Sure thing. Gotcha. So you better go rent that little North Hollywood apartment. The one we all rented before you. In fact, if you look around, you just might see some of the memories we left behind. So don’t be a wise ass and think you got it all figured, cause ya know what, ya don’t sweetheart, its just the opposite. This town will eat you alive. But sometimes, somehow, one of you makes good. Aint it a swell thought. Mom and Dad will be so proud, well, unless you're destined for low budget fuck films - you know, the ones your Mom and Dad get from some online store, after all you are outta the house and they can watch porn all they want. Oh yeah, your folks watch porn, I promise. And they like to fuck each other. Once or twice on your bed even. Kinky bastards. And that’s how that story breaks. Mom and Dad settle in with a gallon of lube and some turkey sandwiches to watch a good little dirty flick. Imagine their surprise when they see you getting a face full or fucked six ways from Sunday by 3 men with cocks the size of baseball bats. Yeah, happens every day darling, so don’t act so shocked. But not you, you’re a good one. You're serious about your craft. Its art, its passion. Yeah yeah, we have seen you before. Now go get me a fucking cup of joe and stop with the dreamy “I’m going to be a star” horseshit.

But, this is the town that can makes all your dreams come true. One little break and you're off. It does happen, but will it happen to you? Lets see how it goes kiddo, after all Granny knew best when she said you’d be in pictures. Didn’t she?

Stay tuned folks, next week we get to see where the dame goes and who’s waiting for her. Should be fun. Got something to say does ya? Well what's keeping ya, drop me a line. If it's hate mail, put that in the subject line. I read those first.

Jay would never eat you alive. We swear.

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So if anyone read the list last week on FTTW, you know I am suggesting films that everyone should see if they even want to consider a career in the film industry. The films I have suggested are for one reason or another, valuable lessons in the craft of both storytelling and filmmaking. These films are great for so many reasons, and while some may be on every must see list in the world, some are not. Take these as you will, but like I said, I am only suggesting them. Look people. Do what you want. You won't regret seeing these if you are open to learning something. If your some obtuse blockhead who thinks the “artsy fartsy” bullshit is all that matters, then enjoy not making it in the industry.

Yeah, we all wanna believe its art. Guess what, its not. It’s a business, and very, very, very lucrative one. Sometimes films come along and wow us. Other times films show us just what the word meaningful is about, and on that rare occasion, a film will take us on an unforgettable journey that reaches inside some place we keep hidden and move us. I only suggest seeing the films I am listing because they can teach you something about story telling and the actual craft of filmmaking, and for the record, just because a films makes eleventy billion dollars does not mean its good. After all, Dancing with the Stars gets ratings for god knows why. So, I continue with the list of films you should see.

6. October Sky- This is one of those “true stories” that actually feels true. Its not about some Greek Hero, or some famous general, or even some epic struggle between good and evil. No, its about a guy named Homer Hickam Jr. who grew up to train Astronauts at NASA and work in the space program. "What ?" you say. Yeah, follow me on this.

This is a story that really gets to you. Talk about beating the odds. This kid grew up in a poor coal mining town and after seeing Sputnik, decided he was going to build rockets. Yeah sounds dull, but guess what. Its brilliant. Its honest and its very moving. This guy and his friends go on to win a national science competition with their home made rocket. These kids came from nowhere, and the only person that believed in them was their teacher.

This film should have been best picture for 1999, but oddly wasn’t even nominated. Its one of my very favorite films ever. Watch this film and you can see how telling a true story should be. This film is expertly crafted and written. For me, its almost a perfect film. Besides, how can you go wrong with JakeGyllenhaall, Chris cooper and Laura Dern in the same film. You cant. See this movie. Suddenly, telling simple stories about regular people make sense. Just see it.

7. My First Mister- Ok, before your head explodes from a huge “What the fuck is he smoking ?” let me tell you why this is on my list. This is one of those films that came outta nowhere, and was directed by Christine Lahti. Its got Albert Brooks and Leelee Sobieski in this odd, but charming story about mismatched people looking for something.

It’s a very sweet film where nothing much happens except a really great story. It’s a film I know every studio would pass on, and that’s why is was a small film. Let me tell you something about storytelling. If you can construct a tale, however unlikely, and make it honest and believable and go somewhere with it, if you can take us, the audience, along for a journey, and make us care about it. You have done your job. This is just a sweet film about an older guy and a confused and lost younger girl, who form a friendship that however unlikely, changes both of their lives for the better. Like I said, it’s a simple story and very very believable. Just see it. I went to the premier for this film, and it was nice listening to Christine Lahiti explain why she made it. In my book, it was for all the right reasons. It was a good story. That’s all. Just see it.

8. Millers Crossing- This is the 3rd greatest gangster film ever made in my opinion. The Cohen Brothers at their finest. You want to tell a classic crime story about wise guys and mobsters, this sets the bar for witty, clever, well written dialogue. This is a well constructed tale that has the most amazing twists and turns, and yet, never once leaves us behind. Some of the best performances ever committed to film on in this little piece of greatness.

I love this movie. Gabriel Byrne is fucking fantastic in this. Along with Albert Finney, John Turturro and Marcia Gay Harden, this is likely one of the best films ever made. Period. Its perfectly paced, expertly crafted, and looks pretty amazing. This is how you do it. See this move, and try and learn how you make a film move along without losing your stride, and watch and see how the pace of well written dialogue can make a good film great. The great thing about this film is the script reads like it plays. Meaning the words can stand on their own. This film is a class on constructing the perfect tale from beginning to end. On creating characters with moral issues we still want to pull for. The performances in this are some of the best I have ever seen. Ironically Gabriel Byrne is in my next pick.

9. Mad Dog Time (aka Trigger Happy)- Ok, this is the 2nd greatest gangster film of all time. It was written and directed by a friend of mine, Larry Bishop ( Larry plays Michael Madsen’s boss at the strip club in Kill Bill Vol. 2). This film has so much talent in it, that to make this film today it would set you back 200 million. Larry made this film for under 6 million in 1996 and the cast includes: Richard Dreyfuss, Jeff Goldblum, Gabriel Byrne, Diane Lane, Gregory Hines, Ellen Barkin, Kyle Maclachlan, Billy Idol, Burt Renyolds, and some really great cameos by Rob Reiner, Joey Bishop, Richard Pryor and pretty much every great character actor you have ever seen.

This film is about a mob boss, played by Dreyfuss who's getting out of the Looney Bin and plans on cleaning up his empire. His number 2 guy used to be Goldblum, but he ran off with the mobsters girl, Diane Lane. Gabriel Byrne is Dreyfuss’s number two guy now and he is a guy who sees himself bigger than he is and is cleaning up all the loose ends before Dryfuss gets home. I mean this is just the best. This film is clever, witty and simply the definition of cool. I wont get into the whole plot, but I can promise you this, you have never seen anything like it. The plot is unique, the characters are memorable. I mean these are some of the greatest actors in the industry, all in one perfect film. Looks, just to see Gabriel Byrne sing “My Way” is worth is, but this film has nothing but great moments.

This is why I love filmmaking. This movie just has it all, and if you don’t see it you are missing out. People think films like Memento are clever. Meh, you haven’t seen anything until you see this.

This is film proves you can break a few rules, and invent some new ones and make a perfect gangster film. Larry Bishop is a lot better with the written word than Tarantino will ever be. Makes Pulp Fiction look like an episode of Blues Clues. Larry is simply a master craftsmen of story. I have read a lot of his scripts, was all set to produce one with him, but Madsen pulled out not wanting to play the heavy, but wanted the lead. I digress. See this move because you will love it. I promise. The education on this one is all about “cool” in its purest definition. Man, I love this film. Promise me you’ll see it.

10. Primer- Ok, this is a film that’s waaaaayyyy different than anything you have seen. Its about 4 guys, all struggling scientific types, young and smart, like the dot com people with big ideas we always read about, who accidentally create a device that allows them to time travel. "What ?" you say. Well, follow me here.

Its written by a kid named Shane Carruth, and it was made in 2004. The story is definitely more drama than sci-fi. But this is a smart film. Very smart. Because it weaves a tale with the one thing always left out of time travel films. Reality. "What ?" Yeah, reality. This film has some very cool paradox’s and it has a believable plot. I wont go into detail, but I will say its one of my favorites. Its unique and avoids clichés. It feels like what real people would do in the situation and it comes of as believable. Even the technology. Look, its an indy film, and it proves that if your clever and work with what you have you can make a really cool film within your means and budget. Just see it if you can. Trust me. I know things.

Next week I’m sure I have something for ya, but not sure what. I leave you with favorite line from the film above, Primer.

” Are you hungry? I haven't eaten since later this afternoon.”

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This weeks nonsense is a bit different. Not my normal rant or kooky fun stories, but I had been asked by a friend about films I thought everyone should see. So look. I know everyone and their momma has a list of must see films. Great. Good for you. This is mine. Now you may agree or not and that’s fine, but like I said, this is just my list.

Why oh Producedby must we see them?

Simple. These are films that anyone who wants to have a real career in the industry can learn from. Storytelling. Structure. Characters and plot. Taking people on a journey worth going on. All of these are important and they matter. So if you are still here. These are the films I think everyone should see, but for sure anyone (see how cool it is that I used everyone and anyone in the same sentence) who think they have a future in film. I don’t give a rats cheesy arse if you hate anything on the list. Look beyond the actor you hate, or the story you never bought into and watch these for the brilliant little education they are. Now just say thank you and STFU.

Ok, the list.

1. Lawrence of Arabia- Every frame of this film a perfect photograph. Every moment in this story meant to bring you on a journey. This is why the world masterpiece was invented. If you have never seen it, please do. This is what every filmmaker should strive to do once in their life.

2. To Kill a Mockingbird - All I can say is less is more. A simple story told with characters as real as you and I. Yeah, I know its on every fucking list in the known universe, but honestly, this is what defines a classic. A story that has real human drama. Characters we can understand, and a hero, Atticus Finch (Gregory Peck) whom is going against the grain by doing the right thing. I think everyone should set the bar this high. Its just perfect. If you have not seen it, please, treat yourself to this.

3. Brick - A modern Film Noir. Its clever, but strong and it has a real story. Something lacking in a lot of films today. Top notch performances, I mean really top notch. I can say this, Joseph Gordon-Levitt owns this film. This kid really knows his craft and helps take us on the road less traveled. I bought into every second of this film. Its pure craftsmanship. Ya just gotta see it.

4. Night Of The Generals - Ok, this is one of those films I cant explain without giving up the twists. I will say its one of the most well crafted “war” films that’s not a war film, but a murder mystery. Look, Omar Sharif is a SS officer during WWII who is investigating a serial killer. This is a brilliant film that we just haven’t seen anything like it since. Nothing cheesy, this is solid story. Did I mention Omar Sharif as an SS officer working a serial murder during WWII? Yeah, he knows one thing. All of his suspects are German Generals. 5 of them. Just wow on this one.

5. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang - Why this one? Easy. Shane Black wrote and directed it. Val Kilmer and Robert Downey Jr are the leads. It’s a modern film noir with that Shane Black twist. You wanna know how to create GREAT characters? See this film. You wanna know how to make dialogue sound natural, but clever? Nobody does it better than Shane Black.

That’s five for this week, the last five are for next week. I aint joking people. See these films.

“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”

Jay knows what counts when it comes to good entertainment. Tell him "Thank you" for the free lesson. Archives

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So I was thinking about what I was going to write about this week, and had writers block all week long. I couldn’t write anything. All these ideas and then the old hard drive freezes. So then I went over a few notes I had made and couldn’t make anything out of them. What the fuck was I thinking with notes like:

The Monkey Story
Why Movie Star Sex Is Lame
When Did Porn Go Mainstream?
How I Ruined Christmas (I’ll save that one for Christmas)

So here I am with writers block again. It’s the suckiest suck that ever sucked. I hate writers block. Its not like you set down to write a letter to your Granny whatsherface and suddenly, writers block. Dear Grandma, I was just writing to….oh fuck, I cant think of anything to write.

I wanted to just throw out something I think we all have a thought about. Film Clichés. Yup. To cure my writers block, I am going to talk about the thing that we all agree on. Clichés.

Dumb Ass Horror Film Gimmick

You know. Scary storm. Girl in panties and a see through tank top, all alone. Its raining, but for some reason the house she’s in the only fucking house in the entire god dam town that still has fuse from the turn of the century. Jesus H. So power goes out, and dumbass needs to go to the shed/basement/moon to replace a fuse. I have yet to meet a single human being who would do that. Most people would just say fuck that, I aint going in that dark ass shed. So Its good to know most chicks are not that stupid. Then again, someone is buying Paris Hiltons CD, so I could be wrong.

Boy Meets Girl, Boy Loses Girl, Boy Gets Girl Back.

WTF is that bullshit. Most times in life its boy meets girl, boy acts like a total dipshit, boy loses girl, boy bangs the next chick dumb enough to go out with the asshat who blew it with the first girl., girl moves on and marries a doctor and has babies and forgets all about boy. If its girl meets girl, well then cue the 70’s funk music. Giggity Giggty!

I don’t really get this about films. Yeah, I know chicks dig, well chick flicks, but lets get real. If some dude leaves a clever note on your car, or becomes a secret admirer, well we call that stalking. Also of note, why do chicks buy into this? They spend most of their time fucking blowing off (not in a good way) the decent guys and hooking up with the dipshit no matter how much of an ass he is. Even after he fucks the other girl. But hey, who the hell am I to judge. I just wish chick flicks would get real. Enough making guys think you end up with the good guy if he stays true and good. Yeah, I have issues. Fuck off.

Bad Guy Reveals All

Hey Super Villains. Shut the fuck up with the storytelling about how your plan works. Apparently these bad guys have never seen a movie. Ever. All that technology in the “Super Villain Lair of Doom” and they don’t get HBO? That really bugs me. If I became a Super Villain, I’d shoot first and write a book about it later. Infact, I wouldn’t do a lot of talking to the hero. Nope. You know the deal.

Hero: “Before you kill me, tell me how you did it”
Super Villain Me: “Fuck no.” Bang.

Puppy/Cat/Horse Gets Home

You have seen the one where the cute animals makes that journey across the country to get back to little Timmy. Yeah, right. Tell that to the poor kid in Louisiana trying to get his dog back from some asshats in another state who ended up with his pet, but lost him because of the worst fucking natural disaster in history. That dog isn’t trying to go anywhere but to sleep all day. Google it. True Story.

I’m sure there are many more, but by now your probably thinking I phoned this in anyways. Writers block. If it were a movie, I get a neat montage right now, showing me pacing, doing funny things around the house, singing in the shower, more pacing, tossing pens in the sir, the Eureka, and idea. Yeah, No montage here. Just the end to another long day.

So there ya have it, this weeks little slice of heaven. I did star writing this week on a screenplay I have been bouncing around in my head for a few years. So I work slow. Whatever. As always, hate mail gets read first. Otherwise, leave a comment so I know at least 2 of my 3 readers read this. Hey, is it ironic that I wrote a whole thing about writers block because I had writers block? Ironic indeed!

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So last year I was at AVN learning about the adult entertainment industry. My plan was to go into this new frontier, make a crapload of dough and move on. Now having been in the mainstream industry for over 12 years, I knew that if I made this move it would be a one way street. No turning back. So I went on a field trip. A Discovery Channel like adventure into this world of sex sells, sex as a commodity and sexuality used as currency in the 12 billion a year thing we call porn. Yeah, that billion with a “b”. So fuck it I thought, I have been a producer (thus the clever name I use, aren’t I witty?) which, while I was, I musta been cursed. I’ll save that one. That’s a whole other story, as I did manage to make a pretty good go of it for awhile.

AVN. The trade show of adult film. Here you find distributors, production companies, talent and neat things like a dildo attached to a fucking power drill. Yeah, you might have seen this thing…or not. I can’t even begin to think what the fuck the guy who made this was thinking. Reaching his hand up his girlfriends skirt must have felt like feeding a camel. I mean a fucking drill. Dude. Step off the bong and take a god damn nap.

I digress.

So here I was. Asking questions, meeting fun and interesting people. In fact, I remember standing in this area outside smoking. This very attractive, very non porn star, but hot chickie and I making small talk as the both of us smoked. Yeah, a convention of porn, and I’m the guy outside having a smoke with apparently the only other chick in the place who smoked. Go figure. Anyways. She’s very nice and I’m just being my normal clever and witty self. We chat about nothing special. It was all very innocent. So I aint trying to make time, or get in anyone’s pants, I’m just there to learn a few things and see what the world of porn is going to teach me. It’s a very secretive industry. Know that now. People who get into it figure it out as they go, this I found out fast. So I’m smoking with this chick and she says to me “So are you going to the awards show?” I say, we are having dinner at Lawry’s that night and really didn’t plan on it. She replies with - and I quote - "Awww, that’s too bad, I’m up for best anal scene".

Now. I have been chased by a lion, attacked by a wild Zebra, had the Secret Service “intercept me” before I got close to Marine One, flown in a P-51 Mustang, smoked a cigar with Bill Cosby and even ruined Christmas once. None of that prepared me for this situation. It wasn’t what she said, it was how she said it. It was like she was going to be in a spelling bee.
Sure, the list of possible answers are like this:

Wow, congrats on a job well done

Say you wanna have dinner?

Well, mom and dad must be very proud.

I, of course, chose none of those. I had a sudden realization. Porn is a serious business. They know what the fuck they are doing, because someone somewhere decides what it takes for a scene to be “best (insert any sex act here)” Yeah, I know what you're thinking, I wanna talk to my High School counselor about that not being part of career day too, but let's not get sidetracked.

I said, "Well I hope you win and good luck."

She was very pleasant for the rest of the time we smoked and every time I saw her later, she waved and would introduced me to her girlfriends, telling them I was into shooting like Vargas painted (Google Vargas for those not in the know). That’s my thing by the way.

So after having talked to a lot of porn stars and people in the industry I can tell you this. Almost 90% of the girls I spoke with are smart. Real smart. They know the business well, and they have a plan. A serious plan. Most of the girls in the industry are sweet and charming. People you would want to have over for a barbeque or dinner parties. Almost everyone is polite and not stuck up, no matter how famous. That’s an important thing to note. I later realized the girl I was chatting with was seriously porn famous. Amazing. Try and imagine Jennifer Aniston standing around being normal like that. Yeah, not fucking likely. So like I was saying. Normal, smart, fun and interesting people.

The people who work in porn are, in my opinion, much more sane and normal than those who work in the mainstream industry. Read that again. It true. The fine folks who work in the mainstream entertainment industry are mostly asshats, with few exceptions, like my pal with whom we did 20 questions with last week.

Needless to say, I was impressed with the normalness of it all. These folks do the lord's work in my opinion. They have sex for our viewing pleasure. They make us believe that being a pool boy will lead to a life of hot sex with some dude's wife all the time. They, do, in fact, make dreams come true. After all, how else would we know who was the world's very best at anal.

Oh, and in case you didn’t know, not once during the entire AVN awards did anyone thank Jesus. Just another thing that endears me to the people in the adult industry. They thank people like co stars and boyfriends and girlfriends and some even thank moms and dads. So forget what you hear. People in porn are way more normal than the folks whom we put on the cover of People magazine or US fucking Weekly. See, cause in the adult industry, at least you know who’s fucking you.

And when they do fuck you, well, that story always has a happy ending.

/rim shot please.

Next week, who knows, might have an awesome interview.. As always, if ya wanna complain or send me pictures of your boobies, email me. Bow chika wow chika wow chika wow.

Jay once rode a zebra named Bill Cosby into a herd of lions while Air Force One buzzed him from above.

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So, some people are reading this little thing I do each week. Nifty. Well for those of you who enjoyed last week's chit chat with my pal, this little submission is totally different.

I’m working on all sorts of things, but as I went through all these folders on my glow box I noticed I had all sorts of nonsense that I had written or started to write; you know, unfinished things. “Unfinished Things.” Wow that sounds like a store for old auntie spinsters and the like. Better yet, makes a good title. I think I will work out a story around that.

I digress.

I have a few things started, never finished for one reason or another. I thought I would throw some of it out here and see what people thought. Wait, I normally don’t give a rat's ass what people think, but then again, I’m going to be that old man in black socks and plaid shorts yelling at the neighbor kids to “get off my lawn.”

What was I on about? Oh yeah, the profound “Unfinished things.” Imagine some credits rolling over a scene of fall, with big trees, New England perhaps, a cool breezy day, not freezing, but the end of fall, the last days of a season are upon us and your POV (point of view for you normal people) is looking down on a road, but we are moving until we stop. On that road is an accident. A car in a losing game of chicken with, say, a semi truck, or a bus. Whatever. Let the fucking director figure it out. Anyways, it’s a bad accident. EMS is there, cars are stopped etc. In the middle of this chaos is a body under a sheet, there’s blood, not gore, but blood. You with me on this? Ok, so now starts the slow zoom in. We see that some guy, the “bus driver” we’ll call him, is giving a statement to the police, and all the while we are focused on this body under a sheet. Can you see it? Good. And now we have zoomed into the scene. Mild chaos, wreckage, the body under a sheet, this scene has it all. A narrator is talking OS (off screen for you non screenwriters). Then….we pan over past some mild traffic backed up to a guy sitting in his Volvo. Waiting to get by. Not a nerdy guy, but a regular guy. Just some guy, like Alec Baldwin, but with a beard and a brown jacket with a button down shirt. Like a teacher. Just not a nerdy one, he matches, he looks as average as Alec Baldwin could look I guess. But Alec Baldwin is this regular guy. He can't see ahead, but looks impatient. Anyways, his cell phone rings. He answers. Now we cut to a cop, wait its New England, so it’s a Trooper. We cut to a Trooper at the accident scene talking on the phone. All we hear is the trooper say “Jack, its Mike. Listen, its about...I mean It's about Sarah, she's been in …” Then it happens. We, the audience, get it first. We are already there. He turns around just as we see good ol regular guy Alec breaking into a sprint up the road. And now we know. The person who had been killed means something to Alec in a beard guy.

Is that a movie opening? Is that a good lead in? Well I just flung that outta my head while I was trying to get to my article. Jebus H, talk about stream of consciousness… So here I was going to post a thing from some old scripts that never took off and one clever set of words later, “Unfinished Things” I think it was is taking up space in the world directly from my head. Hey it might suck, who knows. But don’t ya wanna know what happens to regular guy Alec Baldwin in a beard? What becomes of him? Did he fight with Sarah before work and never said he was sorry, or did he buy the ring that morning with plans to ask her tonight. Infinite possibilities I guess.

That’s how my brain works. I could be talking about Rice Krispies and the next thing you know I am on about these 3 murderous dwarves who are lactose intolerant...wait..i need a cocktail. Ya know, I really wanted to do a normal article this week. Oh well. I’ll try again next week. So until then, I think I might try and decide what happens to regular Alec.

Jay

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PRODUCED BY -- Stories straight out of Hollywood - where there is no "I" in "fuck you". by Jay

Well, this week's batch of verbal nonsense will be a little different. I decided it would be fun to interview a friend of mine for my column. But what about porn you say? What about my witty, yet poignant rants on the industry you ask? Well, keep your pantaloons on, this is a really good interview.

Quick story before we start. Everyone likes getting gifts. I know I do, because I’m a total whore about it. Well a few Christmases ago (not the one I ruined, I’ll tell that story another time) I got what is likely the coolest gift you can buy another person. I received the entire Far Side Collection. TWO, count ‘em, TWO ginormous tomes of the greatest works to ever grace a newspaper. These had every single frame ever drawn by Gary Larson, and weighed, no kidding, like 25 pounds. Anyway, the bearer of said gift was none other than my friend, Herschel Weingrod. Now Hersch is a real writer. You have likely seen most, if not all of his films, and if you haven’t, well, you''re missing out on what comedy really is. His credits included “Brewster’s Millions,” ”Trading Places,” “Kindergarten Cop,” ”Twins” and “Space Jam,” to name just a few. He also produced “Falling Down.” These are just some of the films of his you all might have seen.

He also has a website, scriptmaven.com, where he offers story critique, structure advice and story help, as well as notes and other useful information for a modest fee. Unlike the 10 zillion other people doing this, my friend here has real credits and can speak of the craft and business of Hollywood for those who don’t know what they are up against. So I asked some questions and he was happy to answer.

Q: So, even though I think I know the answer, let me start by asking, what’s your favorite film?

A: Right now it's a tie between "Vertigo", "The Conversation", "Sweet Smell Of Success", and "Mr. Klein". I must be feeling dark, since it occurs to me that the common theme here is "no happy endings".

Q: How did you know you had sold your first script - was it a phone call, did it happen in the room or...?

A: The producer's secretary was a friend of my girlfriend. She phoned my girlfriend and told her that she heard the producer laughing out loud in his office while he was reading the script. It wasn't really that funny, but he wasn't really a producer, either.

Q: What was your day job at the time?

A: My day job was "unemployed".

Q. What was that like, knowing you were about to get paid for being a writer?

A: Could I cash the check and still get unemployment and food stamps? I didn't actually consider myself to be a "writer" until several years later, when I could say that I made my living exclusively from writing.

Q: Can you tell me a little about going to film school in England?

A: The London Film School was more like a trade school than an academic institution. You were basically taught how to do everything and then it was up to you to find areas that you wanted to specialize in. My instructors included Mike Leigh, Clive Donner, Guy Hamilton, Charles Crichton - pretty interesting British directors, check out their credits. John Schlesinger would drop by as a guest speaker. Michael Mann and Franc Roddam were there a couple of years ahead of me. The students were literally from all over the world - Egypt, Israel, Malaysia, France, Australia, England, the U.S. I couldn't have accomplished what I have without the training I got there.

Q: How cool is it when you over hear people quoting lines you wrote?

A: It's cool when Kool Moe Dee is sitting across from you and doing it.

Q: Have a favorite line of yours?

A: "Karate man bruise on the inside". (from “Trading Places”)

Q: How about a favorite quote from a film you didn't write?

A: (From “Five Easy Pieces”)

BOBBY DUPEA: "Now all you have to do is hold the chicken, bring me the toast, give me check for the chicken salad sandwich, and you haven't broken any rules."

BOBBY DUPEA: "I want you to hold it between your knees".

Q: So you and I have been ahead of the curve several times before in regards to pitching films. How irritating is that anyway? I mean, you know how I go on a whole rant about it, but what’s the ultimate rub about it?

A: Timing is everything, and ours has sucked.

Q: Best film you saw this year?

A: "BRICK".

Q: So, we have been friends along time, and everyone who knows you, knows you're a real guy, not a "Typical Hollywood Guy." You are way more down to Earth and easy to be around. But, enough of my ass kissing. So, you must have had a moment that upon reflection was very Hollywood, what was it?

A: It's a toss up between the producer who gave us a piece of his gross profits but then reneged when the movie actually came out and made money, and the producer who tried to get our credits shot without the card saying what it was we were actually being credited for.

Q: 3 reasons not to date actresses?

A: I can think of more than three, but...I still like actresses.

Q: Not sure of you know this, but the only time Schwarzenegger was funny was in the films you wrote, and the other times he tried. comedy it failed. Any thoughts on why?

A: I think that "Junior" didn't work because a pregnant Arnold offended the female audience and emasculated the males.

Q: Any theories on why studio films are getting worse and worse?

A: Studio films are now, for the most part, bloated over-produced "tent-poles" designed to be marketed and sold all over the world. This requires that they be generic and dumbed down. Everything is a sequel, prequel, remake, or adaptation of a bestselling book or play. Originality is discouraged - it's too risky and it hasn't been pre-sold. Their appeal is not designed for the heart or the mind - it's for the blood-pressure.

Q: can you tell me (ok, not me, cause I already know but everyone else) some of the films you did rewrite work on to punch em up without credit?

A: Uncredited (and pretty undistinguished) rewrites include "Turner And Hooch", "True Lies", "Wagons East", "Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot", "Tough Guys", "Big Momma's House”

Q: Ginger or Maryann?

A: Ginger.

Q: I know your a big fan of the Blues. Can you name one album everyone should own.

A: "Chicago - The Blues - Today"

Q: You have a website where people submit scripts to you and beg for (ok pay for) you to make notes and help them fix problems with story and structure. You also have real credits in the industry, your films have made zillions and you are considered to be successful screenwriter. What do you think about all those other people who have little to no credits, and just because they sold a spec script for Momma's Family, now they think they can tell the rest of the world how to be a great screenwriter?

A: I'm sure that there's good advice out there, but I confess to knowing almost nothing about screenplay advice literature, courses, and seminars. If they help make you a better writer, good. The only danger I see in them is a kind of orthodoxy of rules for structure. I don't believe in, nor am I aware of while writing, the "mid-second-act climax" or any other such rule. Whit Stillman said that trying to apply Robert McKee's lessons while actually writing a screenplay is like being given 5000 pieces of advice for swimming underwater just before you dive into a lake. The only way to really learn how to write screenplays is, unfortunately, to write them.

Q: Name one book everybody should read.

A: "The Catcher In The Rye".

Q: Same thing with a film, one everyone should see?

A: "8 1/2"

Q: Your website, (www.scriptmaven.com) looks fabulous, that must have cost a fortune?

A: A friend of mine designed it in exchange for answering a bunch of questions

Q: Who's your favorite writer?

A: Shakespeare.

Q: This site has a lot of talented writers and one hack. Since I'm the hack, got any advice for the rest of the class? Words of wisdom?

A: If the hack keeps writing, he'll learn his craft; you can't learn talent.

Q: What’s your favorite part of the writing process?

A: The good writing only comes out after I've discarded the clichés, the easy solutions, all the facile stuff that comes immediately to mind. Then, if I'm lucky, I receive the grace of being able to write freely and almost unconsciously and, if I'm really lucky, when I wake up the next morning, it will still be there for the next scene.

Q: What’s your favorite "Hollywood" story, you know one of those really great moments you will never forget?

A: This is very old-school Hollywood: Two writers are driving around Beverly Hills one day and one of them points to a gated mansion. "Hey, isn't that Otto Preminger's house?" asks one. The other writer says, "No, that's a house BY Otto Preminger.

(All 6 of use who got that joke found it very funny)

I just wanna wrap up by thanking my very good friend, Hersch, for playing along and doing this abstract interview. Next time I ask him a bunch of questions, I’ll hit him up about baseball, or we’ll chat about playing the ponies and/or music. All of which he knows a hell of a lot. Matter of fact, I don’t think I ever lost money at the track with him.

So kids, there you have it. A few minutes with a good friend of mine. I know it’s a not a typical interview, but I wanted to keep it simple, and hope everyone enjoyed it. Next week, I’ll try to get to what I was supposed to offer up this week.

And remember: "It’s not cool to be a jive turkey this close to Thanksgiving.”

--Jay

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PRODUCED BY - Stories straight out of Hollywood - where there is no I in fuck you Saturdays, by Jay

So kids, ya came back to read more. Right on then. I was talking to a pal of mine the other day, and we got on this whole deal about how the industry could fuck up a grilled cheese sandwich. See if you took the bullshit we call a “pitch meeting’ and applied it to real life, it would go like this…sorta…

Writer: So I was going to make a grilled cheese sandwich.

Studio Monkey: Hey, grilled cheese sounds great. You just never see anyone make a real grilled cheese anymore.

Writer: Yeah, that’s why I am going to make one.

Studio Monkey: Ya know what, instead of making just a grilled cheese, how about you put some peanut butter on it? You know, like that other place does, but they use jelly instead of cheese.

Writer: That’s because Jelly goes well with peanut butter. I think a grilled Cheese would be good, and simple. Bread, some butter and cheese, grill it just so and bingo, a light, but satisfying snack. Everyone can relate to it, it’s a staple of our childhood. Nobody ever puts peanut butter on a grilled cheese, cause, well its kinda gross and wouldn’t taste good.

Studio Monkey: Yeah, but this other guy I know, he put salsa on his grilled cheese once, and said it was awesome. So we should put peanut butter and salsa, and then it would be a really hip and cool sandwich, it would have pizzazz.

Writer: I don’t really follow what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense. That sandwich would suck, nobody would eat it, because it sounds awful It doesn’t even sound like food anymore.

Studio Monkey: Yeah, but think about it, we would make this super cool sandwich, and marketing could create a buzz about how cool peanut butter, salsa and cheese is.

Writer: Look, I am making a grilled cheese sandwich, because I like grilled cheese sandwiches. I don’t like that other thing you suggested, and don’t know anyone who would.

Studio Monkey: You must not be a very good writer.

Writer: Fuck off.

That’s kinda how it goes. I mean you hear stories, like Kevin Smith talking about the nightmare that was his Superman reborn deal, and you can help but think Who the fuck are these dildos. They are called Studio Execs. They, for the most part, ruin everything.

Guess what else. Most of them never made a film, most of them don’t know fuck all about filmmaking, they likely listen to Britney Spears and think shes cool. In fact, Most Studio Execs are the K-Feds of the industry. They just kinda suck the life outta ya, and glom onto what once might have been a great thing, but now is a worthless can of bum vomit. They make you hate them for being stupid. Its like in the ol days when villages had idiots. Well, all those idiots became Studio Execs. Why do you think we have so much ass and cabbage on the screen? Yup, cause these asstards think they know whats cool. They think they know what we want to see. Oh please, could we have another fucking movie with that no talent hack of a prick tease, Jessica Simpson? Fucking get real. I really wanna punch the dickhead who thought that was a good move. Prolly the same guy who said “Hey, lets put those two asswads from American Idol in a film. Well unless that film is “Super Ass Gang Bang 7”, nobody wants to see those two in anything but a volcano. Just sayin.
So some examples. Dragonheart was meant to be Henry IV with a dragon, I know this because I know the guy who wrote it and he’s fucking brilliant. They ended up making that Dennis Quaid (Randy’s dumbass brother) and Barney film. What a fucking waste.

Speaking of dragons. Reign of Fire, that shitfest of fuckall wasted film time, yeah, was a lot like Aliens in this kids, Matt Greenbergs first draft. It was fucking great and I wanted to see that movie. What did the Studio do, yup, make a grilled cheese, salsa and peanut butter sandwich. This is why every fucking exec should be required to go to film school, see every great film like Touch of Evil, Lawrence of Arabia, To Kill a Mockingbird etc. They should read a fucking book written by people who know how to tell a fucking story, they should always be over 35, and have been in the industry for a minimum of 10 years, and produced at least 3 films, all indies. Then they should have to get certified, like a real pass or fail thing, by Kevin Smith, Steven Spielberg (fuck off, he’s still got it and will always be great) Steven Soderberg , Ridley Scott and because he’s fucking smart, Steve Buscemi. That what I think. I also think Renny Harlin should be run outta town like the lame ass lousy bad filmmaker he is. He gets a pass because he made Long Kiss Goodnight, but how could anyone fuck up a Shane Black script. Its not possible. Fuck, I’m sure Roger Corman watches Renny’s films and thinks, “WTF is wrong with this douchbag”? I mean, the cocktard made a bad pirate movie. HOW DO THEY LET HIM WORK EVER AGAIN?

And by the way, if you have not seen it, see the film noir, Brick. Abso-fuckin-lutly brilliant filmmaking. No bullshit, this was so well written, and directed, and Joseph Gordon Levitt ( the kid on 3rd rock from the sun) knocks it outta the park. This gives me hope, that the kid who made this will not get sucked up into a shit spewing system like the studios and make great films his whole lifetime.

Ok, that’s my thing for this week. Next week, I’ll continue with the script, and talk about Porn. Now I am going to go make a Grilled Cheese and drink a beer. As always, send hate mail, boobies or whatever to me, and if it is hate mail, say so in the subject, cause I read that first. Unless it says Boobies. Then I read that first. Oh, and where the fuck is that chickie with my cup of joe.

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Now for a little story that went down a few years back,

Here is the true story: I used to be an editor for TV spots at a production company. Our office was at the Santa Monica Airport, which is a very cool place to work. Anyhoohaw. I'm outside near the tarmac smoking, like I always do. About 200 feet away is this corner that leads to some hangers. So, I'm by myself, smoking, and I see a LION. Yes, a fucking huge ginaormous African Lion turning the corner, full stride, running at me. Pissed off too. I just stand there.

Continue reading "Chased by a Lion" »

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Fade In:

EXT. NIGHT. A DARK CITY STREET

Rain drizzles down across the empty night streets. The reflection of NEON lights leave a glaze across the boulevard like old stains left over from days long past. Nina Simone’s “Sugar in My Bowl” plays over the scene. PAN DOWN, revealing a 1951 CADDILAC SEDAN slowing to a crawl as the light turns from GREEN to YELLOW to RED. The wipers slowly dance to and fro lifting the light drizzle away from the windshield. The subtle buzz of neon is all we can hear behind the engine idle.

INT. CAR.NIGHT. MOMENTS LATER

Continue reading "Gotta chase your dreams, baby" »

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