Van
One night, very late, very, very late in fact, I was awake watching TV. One of those wonderful Infomercials that tell you that you can make millions by sitting on your ass. Well, there I was, sitting on my ass, halfway paying attention. Well, how do you make millions sitting on your ass? I don't know, none of the infomercial made any sense. Anyway, I was in a sort of fugue- seeing the screen, hearing the words, and not absorbing any of it. Certain words would catch my attention, and my train of thought would shift.
It was quiet, it wasn't much past 4 am probably, but I was still hearing the phones. The damn phones. I always heard the phones. It comes from working at an answering service, I guess. But there, in the silence of a mid February predawn, I heard the phones. I tried to shut them out, but as usual, it was futile. I would hear the phones until the job ended, just like when I worked at a gas station, I would hear the service bell ring for months after I left the job.
In a half effort to forget the phones, I looked out the window. The moon was supposedly full, but it was cloudy out. The light that did arrive from the moon was diffuse. There were no hard shadows, as there are in the summer when the sky is clear and the moon is full. Instead of the silvery touch of a clear night, there was gray, gray and more gray. Frost had formed on parts of the window, and when I stood by it, my breath fogged the glass.
I inspected the parking lot between the buildings. I pondered going out on the porch and smoking a cigarette. The glass was staying fogged up for too long; it must be damn cold out, so forget the cigarette. All was right in the lot. Cars were where they were supposed to be, and the puddles were only a little full of water. A cat ran from the bushes near the driveway over to the Dumpster. My eyes landed on the silver and purple monstrosity known in the house as "The Leeeeeesure Van", and they narrowed. An evil thought or two flitted across the screen of my mind.
There it was, sitting sullenly in the muted moonlight. It's dingy chrome shining weakly through layers of rust, the spare tire looming blackly on the back doors. The windows, and their months of dirt, which had been smeared and wet by dew, were busily forming new runnels of road-muck down the side of the body. It was silent, for once.
The Leeeesure Van was a pin in my eye unlike any other. In the apartment, Donna and I called it "The beastly Family Moleeeesure Van". We never spoke of it without a sneer of contempt. It was hated.
It was often started up late at night, and driven somewhere, presumably the driver was making a delivery of the crystal that was so popular here. Another reason to hate it- it was associated with a speed freak/dealer.
It had a V8, dual pipes with no mufflers, a starter with bad teeth, a filthy carburetor, bad timing, and loose belts. It also had a driver with a lead foot. It was always started like this: The door would slam hollowly, then quiet for a few minutes. The accelerator cable would squeak a few times. Suddenly, it would roar to life, its RPM teetering dangerously on the red line as the driver stomped the pedal to keep it running. The RPM would drop, it would sputter and cough, then die. The process was repeated several more times, then off it would roar, down the driveway. The noise probably wouldn't have been so bad if the van wasn't parked between two buildings that created a canyon, Which made the noise echo off the walls and get louder.
Yes, thankfully, it was quiet..
My vision focused on it; I was looking it over, marveling at how much dirtier it had become, and wishing terrible wishes about it, when there was a flash from the rear, followed by a boom that shook the apartment. I peered at all the windows in the complex; no one else seemed to notice it.
A smile crept across my face. The Leeeeesure Van was catching fast, its windows breaking out, flames licking up the sides. Its evil tires were melting. It caught, and caught well. Through the holes that were once windows, I could see the upholstery flaming up… polyurethane melts, and it looks kind of cool when it does. The fire lit up the apartment complex. I saw a face in the window across the lot, it was sleepy looking. It appeared for a moment, and a look of shock crossed it, and it disappeared into the darkness of the room. I looked over it at the phone, thinking I should probably call the authorities. But a glance back at the flaming van made a grin cross my face again, and I went back to watching the fire. The phone was out of my reach anyway.
I was leaning out the open window, smoking a cig, when the fire department came, the sirens echoed painfully through the buildings, like every other noise. There were a few people standing outside in the lot, wrapped in blankets, in pajamas. They were all watching the van. The owner sat on a curb, a garden hose trained on the van, but the dribble of water did no good. It was too far-gone, and the look on the guy's face showed that he understood that. But there was another expression, under the "there goes my van" look.
Suddenly, I heard Donna's whiskey voice, slurred and incoherent from sleep, from behind me.
"What the hell is going on?" she asked, only slightly interested.
I giggled a little and nodded my head towards the lot. "It's the van. It's barbecued. Toast. Check it out".
Donna came over by the window, bummed a smoke off of me and lit it. Once she was situated, she looked out into the lot. Her eyes widened, "I'll be damned" she said, a trace of glee in her voice.
"Yeah, I was gonna come wake you guys up. I watched it blow up. I thought you might like to sleep, though. It exploded, man, I figured you guys would hear it and get up anyway, but I don't think it woke anyone up."
I went to the fridge and rooted around. . The firemen were just standing there; the van was pretty much just a smoking mass of metal with some flames here and there. There was a package of marshmallows in the fridge and I got them out, went back to the window.
I threw them at the owner. "Hey! This is the best thing your van has ever done! Eat up while it's still hot!" I yelled. Donna laughed. The firefighters gave us a dirty look and went back to talking with the police, who just arrived while I was digging in the fridge.
The owner of the Van shook his fist in rage at us. An officer walked over to him and spoke to him for a few minutes and nodded. The guy was looking panicky for some reason. Then, the officer beckoned his partner over, and the owner was handcuffed and put in the squadcar.
Donna and I stood at the window for a little while, amazed at our good fortune. Then we went to sleep. Me on the couch, her back to her room.
In the morning, we read the paper over Donnas kick-ass pancakes. In the police blotter was a blurb about the "incident", along with the finishing touch- the police and fire department had found the remnants of a portable meth lab.
Pril loves the smell of portable meth labs burning in the morning
Shut Up And Play Your Guitar Archives
He’s never performed either, and also mentioned in the letter that he’s ready to take that plunge. As soon as he gets a new guitar, I guess. He’s on the opposite side of the state, and one over, or I’d call him on his shit and go to his town and drag him onstage at an open mike thing. I still might. It’s only a 10-hour or so drive. There’s no better place to learn than in front of 50 other people.
As I’ve mentioned before, the first blues recording was of a woman, in 1920. Her name was Mamie Smith, and the song was
2. Jack Bruce – Keep It Down
I’m taking a break for one week from the American Music series. Between trying to figure out my tax crap as (ding dong!) the local whiskey-swilling, bass playing, trouble causing Avon lady, and the research that goes into even the kind of lame American Music essays, and The Cold That Wouldn’t Go Away!, I need to give my pea-sized brain a rest.
You knew this was coming.
There are the Kings, who are not related. Albert, BB, Freddie. “Born Under a Bad Sign” is an Albert King song, and the solo on Cream’s “Strange Brew” is almost entirely swiped from Albert’s “Cross-Cut Saw”. Some folks call “Disraeli Gears” the Albert King Tribute Album.
This, I think, is our greatest gift to the universe. You could get all heavy and say it was our constitution or something like that, and that’d be fine, but I would still say it’s been music.
When recorded music was still young, a guy who called himself the Singing Brakeman, Jimmie Rodgers, was the biggest seller. Millions of records in the 30s. When people could barely afford to feed themselves, they still picked up one of his records when they could. And they all probably went to someone’s house with a victrola with a dozen or so other friends and listened to it together. Or they sat around a radio and listened to the Grand Ol Opry and those people in the radio sang them the stories they already knew because they all were living them too. When Jimmie came to town, you better have bought your ticket quick or you weren’t going to get to see him.
If we wait until we’re the best before we seek the solace of playing with other people, some of us will never leave the bedroom with whatever instrument we play. 

John Doe: I didn’t really gain an appreciation for John until a couple of years ago. I’ve been an X fan since ’84 or so, but the music was a whole entity then and I didn’t spend much time listening to the parts very much. I was listening to “Hungry Wolf”, recently, and thinking, damn he was singing and playing that fuckin weird ass Bo-Diddly beat thing with the crash at the chorus. And I was duly impressed, because I can’t play and count to 4 at the same time. But I always liked his sort of dusty, lost and wandering persona, like he just got off his horse after walking the entire course of the Mississippi from Bemidji to New Orleans. 
Here’s the story of one of the best gifts I ever got.
I turned around and there was an old guy behind me who really didn’t look like he was much better off than I was. I just remember telling him I was hungry and I couldn’t get any food. He helped me up and said he didn’t have much money, but he was going to make sure I got some food. 


It was really my first “official” band. And we were all friends of a sort or another. But it was the kind of thing that, from the first time we jammed together, we knew we had a good thing. We stopped, looked at each other, and went “Hot damn! Baby I need a cigarette!”.
Your attitude sucks. Your playing sucks. Your tone is awful. No one likes you. You need to turn down, down, down yeah there… I know you can’t hear yourself and frankly that’s the whole idea, because none of us want to hear you, either.
The closest many of us will ever get to playing a big venue or even (in our wildest dreams) a stadium of some kind. The rush is awesome. I would wander around the crowd and it never seemed like that many people, until I got onstage and looked out at them.
To operate it, one had to use chopsticks. Luckily these were in heavy supply. You found whatever button you needed to press by peering in with a flashlight, and then you jammed the chopstick in at the correct angle. 
I have a couple of basses, and I love both of them. But one is a 40-year-old hollowbody and one is a 10-year-old solid. The hollowbody is fractious and temperamental, but beautiful. The 10-year-old, like all 10-year-olds, is indestructable.
It’s just going to get colder for a while. It sort of gets to be an issue with the guitar after an hour or so. The shit just goes out of tune. My bass, wonderful creature that it is, seems to NEVER go out of tune, no matter how cold it is, how hot it is, how hard I play it. The only thing that makes it move is if it gets physically hit on one of the tuning pegs.
One night while playing a gig in Idyllwild, Ca., the waitress walked up to me and said "Billy wants to play now". I said "And…" She said "Just ask Billy to come up and play". Ok, whatever, I thought. "Ok, Billy, it's time for you to play" and Billy proceeded to come up to the drums and sit down and just started rippin on the drums. This is cool I thought. When does someone ever play well that you call up from the audience. Not very often. Anyway, he says "Do you guys know Sunshine of Your Love?" Oh, hell yes. So we rocked it. We had people standing right up in front of our faces screaming and singing and shit, it was awsome. A total rock and roll moment. The harmonies were perfect and nobody screwed up the lyrics. It was cool. I was really impressed by how well this Billy guy knew this song on the drums and so, of course, I had to look out into the audience with that "Wow, he's really good" look on my face. So we rocked and everybody cheered and we got off the stage and somebody walked up to me and said "Did you know that was the drummer for Steppenwolf?" I, of course, said "oh bullshit!!" And they said "No really, he comes in here once in awhile". Then I got thinking about it and while we were setting up he came in, sat at the front table and bought the whole band a drink. Hmmmm....I thought.....holy crap.....that was the drummer from Steppenwolf!!!. You can imagine how embarrassed I was. I felt like a true moron. The only one in the place that didn't know who he was and I was singing with him! I appologized immediately, over and over. Although, I think he got a real kick out of it! He autographed the snare and accepted my apology, I still felt like an idiot, but it was so cool! So my real retard moment on stage was accomplished by me you could say!!
We were to start playing at 9. So I met Djeef and his soulmate down there and we got our stuff unloaded and set up. That was about 7. We were usually the first people at a gig out of the band. So we sat down and had some drinks with everyone and went out by the bonfire and got social. About 8, one of us got up and went looking to see if Tam and the Kook had arrived. No luck. So Djeef and I goofed on some metal rhythm stuff, like Breadfan and Jump in the Fire. We both had a nice buzz going. This was because of the sheer amount of alcohol at the place. Someone had made a giant cooler full of Jungle Juice. Now, Jungle Juice seems to be different no matter where you are, but at this party, it was a bunch of liquor that was mixed with a bunch of fruit and left to marinate for a couple of days. There was also beer and whiskey and herbage. So, yeah, we had the smilies.
We played for about 45 minutes, and then someone yells "The cops are here!" We stopped, right in the middle of the solo for "Comfortably Numb",. which actually had been going surprisingly well, because we were... comfortably numb by then. Someone pussed out and told the cops the band would only be playing for another 10 minutes. Total letdown, and then i was pissed, because if the Two hadn't been late, we'd have gotten our full time in. And I don't think i said much of a civil word to the Two for the rest of the night. I went back to drinking though, and my Li'l Bro and I headed out to the bonfire again and nursed our pints. Djeef retired to his truck with his soulmate after a while. Sometime around 3, I staggered out to the trailer i was going to sleep in, showed Li'l Bro his bed, and then I fell into mine and was out.
Then, a friend of a fellow blogger, who I’d met, told me he had gone to the jam and they desperately needed bass players. So the next week I called him up and checked to see if he wanted to go. Smart Half didn’t, and I was having a sort of “I’m not worthy” attack and didn’t really want to go alone. He didn’t want to go. So I dicked around the house a little bit, and then threw the Harmony into the truck and headed down. Kind of late. I was used to kind of crummy treatment at some of the coast blues jams and in a way expected it again. Granted, when I was going to the coast jams, I really, seriously had no idea what I was doing on my bass. Not a clue. But I kept going back and irritating them. It’s how I got better, really.
This is magnified by 100 if you’re in a band and do a lot of playing. 

