1. Who are you?

Craig Mazin. I write movies and such.

2. Zombies - undead monstosity or the next logical step in human evolution ?

Undead monstrosity. Don't get ironic with me, bub.

3. Young Elvis or Fat Elvis?

Didn't I just say that I hate irony? Young Elvis all the way.

4. If you were a superhero, what would your name be?

The Hot Swedish Woman Magnet. My power would be attracting hot Swedish women, but my weakness would be my own name, which implies that I am a Hot Swedish Woman who is also a magnet. This would lead to mass confusion, which I would deal with when I wasn't banging hot Swedish women.

5. You are the last man on earth, and it is your job to perpetuate the human race, whether you like it or not. Your choice of potential mates is between Wonder Woman, the Bionic Woman, Super Girl or Hilary Clinton. Which one do you choose?

Not Super Girl, because my sperm would be instantly killed by the radioactive plasma lube her vagina produces. Not Hillary Clinton, for the same reason. Not Wonder Woman, because it's patently obvious that after three sessions of lovemaking, she'd get bored and start pegging me with some Amazonian truth dildo, and I've had enough of that in my life.

Bionic Woman it is.

6. What was your first car?

A '89 Toyota Corolla SR-5. Vroom!

7. If you were going to show me around your city/town, where's the first place you would take me?

Probably Descanso Gardens. I don't know if you like flowers and shit, but if you do, they have many acres of them, and it's probably the most famous place in my town.

8. What's the last album you bought?

The Black Parade from My Chemical Romance. "Mama" is the song of the
year.

9. Do you have an arch enemy? Would you like one?

There are a lot of people who really hate me, so what I do is...oooh, should I tell you? This is a great life tip if people hate you. Mmm, okay, I'll tell you. What I do is, I keep making more and MORE people hate me every year, so if someone says, "Grrr, I hate you!" then I can say, "Oh, great! Have you met so and so? He just started hating
me." Once you hit fifty or sixty haters, dealing with any single one of them is almost pleasant.

10 What's the title of the movie they are going to make about your
teenage years?

Enough With The Masturbating

---------

Craig Mazin is the cowriter of the hit comedies Scary Movie 3 and Scary Movie 4. He began his screenwriting career with the 1997 Disney comedy Rocketman. Since then, he has written in a variety of film genres, including romantic comedy, spoof, drama and horror, including screen adaptations of Philip K. Dick's The Short Happy Life of the Brown Oxford and the classic Broadway play Harvey, both for Miramax Films.

Upcoming feature projects include Opus, an animated film collaboration with Pulitzer Prize-winning artist Berkeley Breathed, and of course, Superhero!

Craig lives with his wife and two children in a small town north of Los Angeles, and writes at Artful Writer.

Thanks for playing along, Craig!

TQQ Archives

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Today's Ten Quick Answers come from Dr. Frank, punk rocker, author, blogger, future Hollywood star and all around nice guy.

1. Who are you?

Dr. Frank a.k.a. Frank Portman. I suppose that should be the other way around, but only recently started using my "real" name and I'm still not used to it. I am in this band called Mr. T Experience and I wrote this book called King Dork.

2. Zombies - undead monstrosity or the next logical step in human evolution ?

Greatest Thing of All Time.

3. Young Elvis or Fat Elvis?

I actually prefer Little E to either of them, but generally speaking I love all the various Elvii.

4. If you were a superhero, what would your name be?

King Dork

5. You are the last man on earth, and it is your job to perpetuate the human race, whether you like it or not. Your choice of potential mates is between Wonder Woman, the Bionic Woman, Super Girl or Wilma Flintstone. Which one do you choose?

What, no Catwoman? In that case, Super Girl, because we would have strong, incorruptible, and beautiful babies.

6. What was your first car?

1968 Hot Wheels Beatnik Bandit, subsequently blown to pieces with a cherry bomb in early '72.

7. If you were going to show me around your city/town, where's the first place you would take me?

Millionaire's Row, Mountain View Cemetery.

8. What's the last album you bought?

Chas & Dave, The Very Best Of.

9. Do you have an arch enemy? Would you like one?

I believe most of my enemies remain hidden and attack from the shadows, but the anarchist former bookkeeper of my record label was a master of sock puppetry and used to be pretty arch, as enemies go.

10. What's the title of the movie they are going to make about your teenage years?

When suddenly: nothing happened...

Bonus: here's where you get to plug whatever you are working on at the moment:

I'm working on my second novel, Andromeda Klein. Also still flogging King Dork and writing songs for a future rock and roll album of some kind.

Ed note: If you've never heard Mr. T Experience, you should check them out. This editor's favorite MTX album is Revenge is Sweet and So Are You. She also gives a resounding thumbs up to King Dork.-M

TQQ Archives

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Bill Stevenson of The Descendents, ALL, Black Flag, Only Crime (his latest band which has a great lineup and a better sound) etc. steps up and throws in on ten quick questions.

1. Who are you?

Bill Stevenson

2. Zombies - undead monstrosity or the next logical step in human evolution ?

Most of middle class America.

3. Young Elvis or Fat Elvis?

Voice - fat Elvis, sex appeal - young Elvis

4. If you were a superhero, what would your name be?

Drum Ogre

5. You are the last man on earth, and it is your job to perpetuate the human race, whether you like it or not. Your choice of potential mates is between Wonder Woman, the Bionic Woman, Super Girl or Hilary Clinton. Which one do you choose?

I guess I'll take Super Girl, since I have never heard of or seen her.

6. What was your first car?

A 1968 VW camper van.

7. If you were going to show me around your city/town, where's the first place you would take me?

Taj Majal to get chana masala "200 times hot"

8. What's the last album you bought?

Something called - oh - shit - I can't think of the name of it... it was a bunch of grunge people doing a side project. Don't ask me why I bought it. A friend told me to check it out...

9. Do you have an arch enemy? Would you like one?

My arch enemy is our government. They fuck every single thing up.

10 What's the title of the movie they are going to make about your teenage years?

Overweight Acne Faced Kid Has No Friends And Does Math In His Room.

Thanks, Bill!

Visit Bill's website: Drum Ogre

TQQ Archives

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Today's question-answerer is a founding member of one of the most kick ass rock and roll groups to ever exist, The Supersuckers (we reviewed a Supersuckers albums here, and a show here).

1. Who are you?

Eddie Spaghetti. International ambassador of rock, co-creator of the Supersuckers, husband, father, actor, model, author, artist, renaissance man.

2. Zombies - undead monstosity or the next logical step in human
evolution ?

Or how 'bout "Yet another sustainable, renewable food source for todays free thinking carnivore". Let's turn the tables on these undead fuckers!

3. Young Elvis or Fat Elvis?

Yes!

4. If you were a superhero, what would your name be?

"Captain Apathy" or maybe, "The Gluttonous" or "Mr. Anonymous"

5. You are the last man on earth, and it is your job to perpetuate the
human race, whether you like it or not. Your choice of potential mates is
between Wonder Woman, the Bionic Woman, Super Girl or Hilary Clinton. Which
one do you choose?

Wonder Woman. Does anyone ever choose anyone else?

Or: You are the last woman on earth, and it is your job to perpetuate the
human race, whether you like it or not. Your choice of potential mates:
Batman, Superman, Wolverine or Stephen Hawking. Which one do you choose?

My wife says Stephen Hawking. Go figure...

6. What was your first car?

'72 Volkswagen Squareback. Tan. "The Toaster Machine". Saved up two years of paper route money to buy it when I turned sixteen and quickly totaled it. Sad.

7. If you were going to show me around your city/town, where's the first
place you would take me?

To your hotel. Where I'd leave you until it was time to go out. Then I'd make you meet me at my favorite local bar, The Sunset Tavern where we'd get hammered and I'd walk home, leaving you to figure out how to get back to the hotel on your own. I'm a terrible host.

8. What's the last album you bought?

Jerry Lee Lewis - "The Last Man Standing"

9. Do you have an arch enemy? Would you like one?

I used to, but I defeated him. I reckon I could use a new one. They're kinda fun.

10 What's the title of the movie they are going to make about your
teenage years?

"A Staggering Waste Of Potential" or "How I Killed My Parents' Hopes And Dreams: A True Story"

Thank you, Eddie, for participating in TQQ. We are kinda big, big fans of Supersuckers here at FTTW and if you are back in NY anytime soon (looks like Nov....), we'd like to buy you a drink.

The Supersuckers are currently on tour with the New York Dolls as part of Little Steven's Underground Garage Rolling Rock n Roll Show.

Supersuckers website

TQQ archives

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1. Who are you?

I'm Dirk Deppey, formerly the managing editor of The Comics Journal and currently its online editor and designated blogger (at Journalista!).

2. Zombies - undead monstrosity or the next logical step in human evolution ?

Neither; zombies don't exist. I deny your premise. Hah!

3. Young Elvis or Fat Elvis?

Young Elvis, of course. I don't see him as some sort of kitsch icon, but rather as one of the vanguard of early rock and roll, the blend of Chicago blues and Honkytonk country that revolutionized American music.

4. If you were a superhero, what would your name be?

"Dirk Deppey." I think secret identities are stupid.

5. You are the last man on earth, and it is your job to perpetuate the human race, whether you like it or not. Your choice of potential mates is between Wonder Woman, the Bionic Woman, Super Girl or Hilary Clinton. Which one do you choose?

Man, talk about a lack of choice. Hilary Clinton's post-menopausal, isn't she? Supergirl's too young to be under serious consideration -- that's not a value judgment on her being jailbait, but rather an acknowledgment that nobody under 22 years of age really knows how to screw. (I realized this at the age of 21, and after that it was another ten years before I again slept with someone who wasn't at least a dozen years older than I was. Some skills really DO take time to acquire!) I suspect that of the two remaining possibilities, the Bionic Woman is the least likely to injure me while in the throes of orgasm, if only because there's just an arm and a leg to watch out for, so I'll go with her.
Unless artificial insemination's an option, in which case I'd go with that instead.

6. What was your first car?

A rust-colored, weather-beaten 1967 Chevy Biscayne that I bought for $25 and got up and running for another $80 in parts. Hey, don't laugh; it got me from Arizona to California and back one summer.

7. If you were going to show me around your city/town, where's the first place you would take me?

The Fourth Avenue/Congress Street axis of downtown Tucson; it's a funky little place and well worth exploring on foot.

8. What's the last album you bought?

That would be the latest Blackalicious album, "The Craft," which I bought during the Seattle stop of their last tour.

9. Do you have an arch enemy? Would you like one?

No and God no. Unless it's lack of sleep, in which case I want well rid of my arch enemy.

10. What's the title of the movie they are going to make about your teenage years?

"Please Don't Sue Us For Making a Movie of Your Teenage Years, Mr. Deppey" -- and Hell yes, I'll sue.

Thanks for taking the time to talk with us, Dirk. The current issue of The Comics Journal is available online or at a decent bookstore/comic store near you. If you have such a thing. Also, check out Fantagraphics Books.

Dirk Deppey, served as Managing Editor of The Comics Journal for just over two years and now writes its weblog, updated every weekday. He lives somewhere in Southern Arizona and will someday regret his denial of zombies

TQQ Archives

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Welcome to another installment of 10 Quick Questions.These are when we ask people 10 questions. Get it? 10 Quick Questions? The questions are always the same and we just think it's funny to get the responses we do.

Today's guest is Evan Dorkin.

Evan Dorkin is the creator of Milk and Cheese, as well as a writer for Space Ghost Coast to Coast. He also wrote Welcome to Eltingville, which appeared on Adult Swim.

Thank you to Evan for doing this for us. Let's go.

1. Who are you?

Evan Dorkin, America's Cartoon Sweetheart, Norway's Greatest Enemy.

2. Zombies - undead monstrosity or the next logical step in human evolution ?

Hot Topic customers.

3. Young Elvis or Fat Elvis?

Young. Poor Elvis. Look what they did to him. Imagine if you were dead, and decades later it was still a big joke to ask about which weight class folks liked you at? That goddamned Colonel needed to have his neck broken by Sonny Chiba for what he did to that boy.

4. If you were a superhero, what would your name be?

It would still be Evan Dorkin. You keep your name when you attain superpowers, you don't become "John Lipschitz" or something when a radioactive spider nips you or your parents get shot to death. You just get a second, stupid, professional name. Mine would be Super Bastard Man or something dumb like that. Something they couldn't make Underoos out of. I would strike fear in the hearts of my relatives and former friends.

5. You are the last man on earth, and it is your job to perpetuate the human race, whether you like it or not. Your choice of potential mates is between Wonder Woman, the Bionic Woman, Super Girl or Hilary Clinton. Which one do you choose?

Where did this question come from, some comic book website message board? Jesus. If I must play along with this, I'd say Supergirl. Happy? Jesus. How would it be my job, anyway? Who's my boss? How do I get paid? Who wants to repopulate the joint anyway? Besides, we'd end up with a gaggle of inbred freaks, worse than what we have now. Who needs that? Besides Arkansas, I mean?

6. What was your first car?

A 1986 Piece Of Shit.

7. If you were going to show me around your city/town, where's the first place you would take me?

The Port Authority bus terminal. To see you off.

8. What's the last album you bought?

I can't remember. Honestly. I haven't bought any music in ages. We used to get so much free stuff between Sarah's zines and my comics, we never needed to buy many new CDs. We pretty much stopped collecting CDs and buying old records from thrift shops in the last five years. These days we get a couple of releases from friends in bands or from readers here and there. Like many people we steal music off the internet, to the tune of billions a year. I'm speaking just about ourselves, we stole about forty billion dollars worth of old novelty records off the interweb this year alone. Actually, I just listen to WFMU a lot. And steal records from thriftshops.

9. Do you have an arch enemy? Would you like one?

It used to be Norway, but we're speaking again. Sort of. It's a long story, I don't really want to get into it. I could use some more enemies, I guess. The more folks that hate you the more they blog about you, and any press is good press, especially when you're doing as badly as I am.

10. What's the title of the movie they are going to make about your teenage years?

The Suckiest Movie Ever: Part 2

You said to plug my latest book. So here goes:

Dork #11. 24 pages, 26 counting the inside covers. 216 purported gags. Published by the fine folks at Slave Labor Graphics. Price tag is a whopping $3, if you can find it at your local comic shop. If you even have a local comic shop. And the bastards ordered it. Otherwise, you can order it directly from SLG. Or just forget about it and spend the money on beer. No skin off my potato.

Thanks, Evan. And now a word from turtle:

If you don't know what Milk and Cheese is, you really need to look into it cause Milk and Cheese are here to destroy. Two destructive dairy products who like to break people and not sleep. They also both seem to have an incredible appetite for liquor. See dude. That's funny. Angry Milk drinking a bottle of gin with a baseball bat or broken bottle in hand. That's funny. We wrote about them here. Also, check out the whole House of Fun site. Evan and Sarah rock.

Ten Questions Archives

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Jen Graham does radio promotion for Metal Blade Records

1. Who are you?

It depends on what day it is...some days I am a Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator, some days I like to refer to myself as a TPS report that is read by 8 different bosses...but most of the time I am a flesh and blood human that works at Metal Blade Records and goes by the name of Jen Graham, and I pimp heavy metal albums to radio station programmers all day long.

2. Zombies - undead monstrosity or the next logical step in human evolution ?

Man, I miss White Zombie. Their 1996 tour opening for Pantera was one of the best shows I have seen in my life.

3. Young Elvis or Fat Elvis?

Dude, I saw fat Elvis at the bar/lounge at Barbary Coast in Vegas while imbibing a gratuitous amount of 2 dollar cocktails. It was more amazing than watching him play while imbibing gratuitous amounts of 3 dollar cocktails...if you can believe that.

4. If you were a superhero, what would your name be?

Captain Jeneral PentaGraham, esq. I really dont know what "esq." means, but it sounds cool.

5. You are the last man on earth, and it is your job to perpetuate the human race, whether you like it or not. Your choice of potential mates is between Wonder Woman, the Bionic Woman, Super Girl or Hilary Clinton. Which one do you choose?

Oh man, I would get with Wonder Woman all the way. I used to have a WW costume back in the day and I wanted to be her with all her sexy super powers and stuff. On that note, it would probably turn into an awesome role playing fantasy thing. So by all means, LET'S QUIT FUCKIN AROUND AND GET DOWN TO SOME SWEET PROCREATIN'!

Or: You are the last woman on earth, and it is your job to perpetuate the human race, whether you like it or not. Your choice of potential mates: Batman, Superman, Wolverine or Stephen Hawking. Which one do you choose?

Oh shit....I didn't see this part of the question until I finished the first part. Here I was thinking..well if I was a lesbian...and all those chicks were lesbians...who would I go for? I'm really not a lesbian...I mean, I have tested the waters and stuf...uh, ok nevermind, back to the question. Wolverine...yeah, Hugh Jackman is hot.

6. What was your first car?

One of the biggest hooptie rides of all time. A 1987 beige Toyota mini van. It was the coolest mother fucking thing on the planet. You think its lame, but when you are speeding down the freeway while 12 drunk people mosh around in it while blasting Machine Head's 'Burn My Eyes', your typical opinion of the 1987 beige Toyota mini van is thrown out the window. You are now in a righteous party-mobile and never want to get out of it.

7. If you were going to show me around your city/town, where's the first place you would take me?

The Candy Cat in Chatsworth. It's awesome. 8 dollar pitchers, darts, pool, and friendly topless dancers. Good jukebox too.

8. What's the last album you bought?

Korpiklaani's "Tales Along This Road". If you made a big fat stew, threw in a metal band, a polka band, and an Irish drinking music band and ate the entire pot of it, you would crap out Korpiklaani. No joke. The first track is called "Happy Little Boozer"....nuff said.

9. Do you have an arch enemy? Would you like one?

Sharky's Mexican Food in Simi Valley, CA. I am not going to explain why...I think you can all figure it out.

10. What's the title of the movie they are going to make about your teenage years?

Free Beer & Chicken

Jen Graham holds the world's record for "most drunk people stuffed in a min-van", formerly held by the Osbourne family.

Ten Quick Questions Archive

[if you would like to be part of Ten Quick Questions or know someone interesting who would like to answer the questions, drop us a line]

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Tonight we have decided on running a new feature. This will get pretty populated with more people and more answers. Right now we have decided, since this is the first week, that before bringing out celebrities and that kinda crap, we get you all familar with some of our writers.

The idea was simple. Find someone and ask them these ten questions. Just to see what they say.

Tonight we have two of our writers, or it's maybe just one, but please welcome Uber and Ted Rhobe Rae.

And welcome to 10 questions.

Uber's answers:

1. Who are you? Just a guy working in San Antonio who loves to write, drink beer, battle mental illness and personal demons, and try to enjoy life.

2. Zombies - undead monstosity or the next logical step in human evolution ? Next logical step. In our lifetimes, I think we'll see a zombie in the White House, zombies winning Oscars, and zombie milkmen.

3. Young Elvis or Fat Elvis? Whichever one has the coolest jumpsuits.

4. If you were a superhero, what would your name be? Uberchief.

5. You are the last man on earth, and it is your job to perpetuate the human race, whether you like it or not. Your choice of potential mates is between Wonder Woman, the Bionic Woman, Super Girl or Hilary Clinton. Which one do you choose? Fucking Hilary Clinton. You know that bitch likes it nasty.

Or: You are the last woman on earth, and it is your job to perpetuate the human race, whether you like it or not. Your choice of potential mates: Batman, Superman, Wolverine or Stephen Hawking. Which one do you choose?

6. What was your first car? 1986 Toyota minivan.

7. If you were going to show me around your city/town, where's the first place you would take me? The Alamo. It's a lot more interesting than you'd think.

8. What's the last album you bought? A Healthy Distrust by Sage Francis

9. Do you have an arch enemy? Would you like one? Irritable bowel syndrome.

10 What's the title of the movie they are going to make about your teenage years? How to be Lame and Paint Dungeons and Dragons Figurines: A Primer

Ted Rhobe Rae's answers:

1. Who are you? Ted Rhobe Rae, Editor in Chief of Dysentery Weekly.

2. Zombies - undead monstosity or the next logical step in human evolution ? I'm sick of hearing about zombies. Fucking zombies always the topic of conversation. Why aren't we more concerned about wolfmen or vampires? Fucking slow-ass zombies can get taken out with a well-placed shotgun blast. But wolfmen and vampires require special weapons. Do you have a silver bullet or a sharpened wooden stake just laying around in case one of these assholes gets in your house? I didn't fucking think so.

3. Young Elvis or Fat Elvis? Fat Elvis--better drugs, more fun to party with.

4. If you were a superhero, what would your name be? Captain Methadone.

5. You are the last man on earth, and it is your job to perpetuate the human race, whether you like it or not. Your choice of potential mates is between Wonder Woman, the Bionic Woman, Super Girl or Hilary Clinton. Which one do you choose? Hilary Clinton--I'd love to put one right in the small of her back.

Or: You are the last woman on earth, and it is your job to perpetuate the human race, whether you like it or not. Your choice of potential mates: Batman, Superman, Wolverine or Stephen Hawking. Which one do you choose?

6. What was your first car? A 1976 Camaro I stole from an old folks' home.

7. If you were going to show me around your city/town, where's the first place you would take me? Shakey's Bar.

8. What's the last album you bought? The Soundtrack to Car Wash, the Movie

9. Do you have an arch enemy? Would you like one? My landlord.

10 What's the title of the movie they are going to make about your teenage years? Truck Stop Whores

So that's the first installment of Ten Quick Questions. Hope you enjoyed it and you never know who will be up next cause we have fingers all over the world.

Think you're interesting? Chances are we will, too. If you want to participate in Ten Quick Questions (whether you want to answer them or know someone interesting who will), just shoot us an email.

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