June 22, 2007

76 Days and Counting...

Hey what's up everybody! What day is it today? Friday? Is it Friday? Well alright! To me it's Wednesday, because that's when I'm writing this. Can you believe the FTTW people want you to get your shit in early so they can publish it? Phhyt.

Anyway, let me get myself in a Friday state of mind here for a second, even though it's Wed [concentrates...]

Hey what is UP everybody? Happy Friday!

Ok, let's get to the point of this. Football. Are you ready for some? I am. I am ready for some Football. In fact I saw a buddy of mine at lunch and he mentioned to me that he is ready for some Football as well. Unfortunately, there is no Football this weekend, or the weekend after that OR the weekend after that. Because it's summer. Sweet, sweet summer. So that means there is baseball and NASCAR racing, but no Football. And I guess there is golf. But I don’t follow that. Golf is not something I have an interest in, except for maybe hitting some balls at a driving range or watching Caddyshack for the 300th time. Did you know that Tiger Woods makes like 100 million zillion dollars in commercial endorsements? Holy shit! I had no idea that golf was that popular. I guess some people are really into this golf thing? Who knew!

In any case, veering back onto my topic: soon, very soon, there will be Football!

patsline.jpgWe've had the Combine, we've had the Draft, The Patriots went out and scooped up all the top free-agents that were looking to score, we've had rookie camps and mini-camps… All that stuff is out of the way and done. That means that this little stretch of dry spell here is the end and then it will be time for full fledged training camp and pre-season games. Then the next thing you know, it will be Football Season again!! And I'll have something to write about. That will be cool.

Since I have not written in a while, for those of you who are confused and maybe don't know what this part of FTTW is about, this is the Football part and we talk Football in here, sometimes other stuff, but mostly Football. I am a Pats fan and I'm pretty happy because The Pats went out and grabbed some primo free-agent players this off-season, so I'm pretty psyched to see how the team is going to be this year. Dude RANDY MOSS and DANTE STALLWORTH are going to be catching balls from TOM BRADY this season and Adalius Thomas is going to be chasing down the oppositions' QB's while generally being a terror on defense. Of course, how a team looks on paper does not in any way relate to how they play on the field, but on paper things are looking good for my boys The Patriots.

How about you? How did your teams do this off-season? Any draft choices or free-agent pickups that you're excited about? Let us know! Because we are interested. I am anyway. And while you are at it, if you are new to this column, tell us who your teams are, or if you've told us before, just remind us again because someone might have forgotten. We want to know who you are rooting for every week. Because we will pick fights with you about your team later on when the season starts and make bets with you on the outcome of games and stuff. And that's fun. Good, clean, wholesome Football fun. On a Friday.

76 Days till Kickoff Weekend! Until then, have fun and enjoy the Summer while it lasts.

Damn, we missed Ernie.

The End Zone Archives

May 4, 2007

Strait Out Of Connecticut

MoheganSun.jpgLast week my Wife and I had a rare night out with just the two of us as we traveled to the Mohegan Sun Casino in Uncasville, CT to see Ronnie Milsap and George Strait. This event also featured the equally rare occurrence of me attending a concert with someone other than myself.

After enjoying a quick, and, with no children present, oddly quiet and peaceful dinner, we headed South on I-395 to Uncasville, CT. The ride was about two hours though a stretch of Connecticut farm country.

Ronnie Milsap was the opener for George Strait. The show was scheduled to start at 8PM and we arrived shortly thereafter.

When we got into the arena, Ronnie had started his set and he was just beginning one of his great songs, ‘Houston Solution’. We found our seats and sat down to enjoy the rest of the show.

Ronnie Milsap still has a great voice after many years and the crowd was very appreciative of his work, giving him a loud round of applause as each tune came to an end. There is something about Ronnie’s voice and they way it carries, it has a strength to it and a purity that sticks with you. I’ve still got several of the songs he played that night stuck in my head a week after the show.

One of the nice things about this show was that the stage was setup 'in the round' in the middle of the arena, so that you could get a good view of Ronnie and his band as they moved around to different parts of the stage. Ronnie's piano's were set up on our side of the stage so we were able to get a good, direct view of him for most of the show as he played. They also had big screens set up overhead as well, but I try to focus on the stage, not the screens, otherwise I feel like I'm just watching a TV show in an arena.

Ronnie did a some songs off of his latest cd, ‘My Life,’ including the song, ‘You Don’t Know My Love’ and the title track itself, ‘My Life,’ as well as several old faves. He ended the night with one of his most memorable songs and one of my personal favorites, 'Smoky Mountain Rain'. When the song was over he and his band headed off the stage, but, after a big round of applause, he came back out for one more song, a cover of the Stones' 'Honky-Tonk Women'. At the end of Ronnie's set he exited the stage to loud cheers and he seemed to truly appreciate the response. Ronnie Milsap is a living country legend and I am pretty glad that I can now say I got to see him live.

As the stage-crew began setting up for George Strait, my Wife and I decided to walk around a little and check the arena out. This was our first time coming to Mohegan Sun and I have to say, it is a really nice place to see a concert. Unlike some venues, where the performers are so far away they look like ants on stage and you need a set of binoculars to see what's happening from the upper levels, the arena at Mohegan Sun is small enough that there is not a bad seat in the place. Even in our seats which, of course, were in the upper levels, we could see everything on stage with no problem and could see the expressions on the musicians faces as they played.

georgestrait.jpgIt did not take long for the stage crew to setup for George Strait and just as we got to our seats, the lights came down to the enthusiastic applause of the crowd.

This was my third time seeing George Strait live. The previous times I had seem him were awesome shows so I had high expectations. George did not let me down. He walked onto the stage in his usual Wrangler blue jeans, button down shirt and large white cowboy hat.

He got things going up-tempo right off the bat and started off the show with the song, 'Honk If You Honky-Tonk'. At each corner of the stage was a microphone and as George worked his way around the stage between songs so that each part of the arena could get a good view of him as he sang. He had a great, friendly demeanor with the crowd, stopping to shake hands with fans and let them take pictures.

George Strait has about 54 people in his band, 'The Ace In The Hole Band'. Ok, maybe not that many, but there are a lot of people on stage with him. There's bass, drums, fiddle, steel guitar, piano, keyboards, and multiple guitar players, who also do double duty with the fiddle and steel guitar as well, not to mention male and female backup vocals. For all those musicians, the band plays does not miss a beat. They were very tight and sounded great.

George did a great mix of new and old material, with songs such as, 'Check Yes or No', 'Amarillo By Morning', 'The Fireman', 'It Just Comes Natural', 'The Chair', 'I Can Still Make Cheyenne' and 'Unwound'. He played for a good two hours and sang close to 30 songs and his clear, clean vocals seemed to get stronger and richer as the night went on.

One of the things that makes George so great is that he does not need a lot of lights, props and stage effects to put on a great show. It's just him and his band performing, seemingly without effort, and his music is all that you need to enjoy the show.

There's a reason that I always refer to George as 'Pure Country' and it's not because that was the title of his movie back in the 90's (which was awesome by the way). Unlike so many of today's manufactured 'pop country music' singers, there are no gimmicks with George and his music. There is nothing fake about George Strait. He is the real thing, as real as it gets. A real-life signing cowboy who runs his own ranch and who not only hosts, but competes in the George Strait Team Roping Classic.

George ended the night with an extended version of 'The Cowboy Rides Away', as he made several rounds around the perimeter of the stage to shake hands and make contact with his fans. Even while the arena started to empty out as many of the attendees when heading for the exits, George was still going around and shaking hands with people. Awesome.

What a great night for my Wife and I. That show will be one that I will remember for a long time.

Ernie thanks god he is a country boy

The End Zone Archives

April 27, 2007

We Must. We Must. We Must Improve Our Bust.

This weekend is the annual NFL re-stocking program known as the NFL Draft. This, as if you don’t know this, is where all the teams get to pick new players for their team from the best that the college ranks have to offer.

For weeks and months leading up to the NFL Draft, writers pundits and plain old fans make guesses, set up mock drafts and try to predict just who the heck is going to get chosen, when they’re going to get chosen and what team is going to do the choosing.

The way the draft works is very simple. The teams that finished with the worst record pick first, the teams that finished with the best record pick last.

Here is this years draft order:
Matt-Leinart.jpg



Oakland 

Detroit 

Cleveland 

Tampa Bay 

Arizona 

Washington 

Minnesota 

Atlanta (from Houston) 

Miami 

Houston (from Atlanta) 

San Francisco 

Buffalo 

St. Louis 

Carolina 

Pittsburgh 

Green Bay 

Jacksonville 

Cincinnati 

Tennessee 

N.Y. Giants 

Denver 

Dallas 

Kansas City 

New England (from Seattle) 

N.Y. Jets 

Philadelphia 

New Orleans 

New England 

Baltimore 

San Diego 

Chicago 

Indianapolis 

 


This is the order that teams start out with, but once the draft gets going, anything can happen. Teams trade their picks and sometimes even players themselves in order to move up down and all around on the draft board. Some teams will trade draft picks this year to stockpile them for
future years.

While many football fans spend all kinds of time and energy analyzing the draft and trying to predict what is going to happen, I am not one of those fans.

I don’t even try to make a guess about what’s going to happen on draft day because more times than not, those guesses are wrong. So called ‘football experts’ try to tell you this team needs this player or this team will pick a player for such and such a position. It’s all bullshit. Nobody knows what these teams are going to do except the people on the teams themselves and often times a spur of the moment phone call from some other team saying, ‘let me make you an offer you can’t refuse,’ can throw the best draft laid plans right out the window.

I prefer to just sit back watch it happen and wait to see where the chips will fall. When it’s all over, I go and find out who my team has picked over the course of the two-day event. Usually they are players that I have never even heard of, since I don’t really follow College Football and
am only am vaguely aware of some of the big name players who are coming out for the draft.

The draft is an exciting time for Football starved fans. Even though there’s no games involved, it’s at least football related. For the fans of teams that had a bad year, it’s a time of optimism and hope, that with a high draft pick, their team is on the way to a better future. For
the teams that were in the middle of the pack, maybe a good draft provides them with the players that are going to let them make the next step and get back to the playoffs. For teams that are already at the top of the pile, they are aiming to stay there and replenish their team with some young blood that will enable them to remain a playoff contender.

If you’ve got any thoughts or ideas on who’s going to do what during the draft this year, I’d love to hear them, because I sure as hell don’t know what’s going to happen!

April 20, 2007

PORSCHE, THERE IS NO SUBSTITUTE

Back when I was a teenager in the 80’s my favorite dream car was the Porsche 911 and these are still one of my favorite car models today. There were two models in particular that I was enamored with, the 911 Carrera and the 911 Turbo. porsche_911_turbo_29.jpg

I have always been extremely impressed with the performance that Porsche was able to get out of a car that had been originally introduced in the 60’s with an air cooled engine that was mounted in the rear of the car.

The Porsche 911 is a cousin to the VW Beetle. But this ain’t never been no Beetle. The configuration of the car has not changed over the years and the 911 still retains its same basic body style, though it has been refined over time to become more aero-dynamic. Today’s 911’s remind me more of a bullet than a Beetle. The car just looks fast, even when it’s parked. The cool factor of this is extremely high. It does not have the bulk of a muscle car in either the body design or the engine size, but this compact rocket will make pretty much anything on the road look like a spec in your rear-view mirror awfully quick.

Today’s 911’s boast a zero to sixty time of about 5 seconds and a top speed of around 180 MPH. All this from a six-cylinder rear mounted engine. Amazing.

While the Carrera has always been nimble and fast, the Turbo has always been more of a beast. It’s like the engineers at Porsche all got together, put on their evil thinking caps and tried to think up the most bad-ass car they could imagine. Edmunds describes the 911 Turbo as ‘ferocious’. I think that description is apt. Zero to sixty in 3.2 seconds. Dude. That is jaw droppingly fast.

One of my favorite aspects of the car? The rear wing that raises or lowers itself depending on the speed of the car. The faster you go, the higher the wing gets, to help keep the wheels stuck to the ground. Did I mention this is an all-wheel drive vehicle? God I love good car porn.

There’s not much else I can say about this car, other than the fact that at a base price of well over 100 grand, it will undoubtedly always remain a dream car for me, as in a car that I’ll only get to drive in my dreams. Hey, at least there’s no speed limit there.

Ernie is also a Viking named "Sven" in his dreams

The End Zone Archives

April 13, 2007

Hail Toyota!

My first dream car was not a car at all, it was a pickup truck, and it was the only dream car, or in this case, truck, that I’ve ever actually managed to own.

I’ve always liked pickup trucks. I’ll bet you never knew I was a pickup man. Pickups are awesome. Go anywhere, do anything. Ride high. Look cool. You never know how useful one is until you actually own one and you never realize how much you really used it until you no longer owned one.

My pickup was about as bare-bones as you could get, but that’s what I liked about it. ’93 Toyota Pickup, 4X4 deluxe, forest green. They were not called Tacoma’s back then, they were just ‘pickup trucks’. I don’t know why they called my model a ‘deluxe’, since the only option that it came with was a tach and intermittent wipers, but none of that mattered to me. I liked that everything was manual. Crank windows, single cab, sliding rear window, bench seat, no AC, manual locking hubs (totally bulletproof), 5 speed, and a really cool lever to switch between 2 wheel, 4 high and 4 low. Fuck those fancy buttons on the dashboard. A neat lever sticking out of the floor. That’s the way to go. Rough trail ahead? Lock the hubs and you’re ready. You can shift into 4-high on the fly. If things get really bumpy, stop, push in the clutch and go into 4-Low.

When that Toyota was in 4-low, it would crawl over practically anything. I got to some damn good fishing holes that way.

FP2407~Mud-Flap-Girl-Posters.jpgIt came with an AM/FM radio in it, no cassette, no CD player. I pulled that out and put in a Clarion tape deck and some of those really big speakers that hide behind the seat. Throw in my CDB’s ‘Decade of Hits’ or Hank Jr’s ‘The Pressure is On’ and I was good to go, yo. Oh yeah, I was a full on redneck dude. Actually, I still am, kinda. I just don’t have my truck anymore.

I kept my truck pretty stock, I never lifted it or anything like that, except for an upgrade in the tires and rims department. 31 inch Goodyear Wranglers wrapped around some American Racing Gambler rims. Sweet. Add in a tonneau cover for the bed, a bug deflector, and sticker in the rear window that read, ‘Pretty Cool, Huh?’ and there you have it.

One of the best things about the Toyota was the ground clearance. You never had to worry about getting hung up on anything on the trail. Prior to the ‘Yota I owned a Chevy S-10 4X4. One day my friend, who had a Toyota, and I went fishing. The trail to get to the pond was pretty rutted with some big rocks and what not. Not impassable. You just had to take it slow. Well, when we came out of the woods at the end of the day, he washed off his truck and I took mine to the shop for a couple grand in front end repair. That’s when I decided Toyota was the way to go. That thing handled whatever you threw at it. Snow, mud, rocks, whatever. I remember it was really good in the snow. It would churn though all kinds of snow drifts and whatever kind of snow/ice barrier the plows left at the end of my drive-way during a storm.

Another one of the great things about a truck is all the stuff you can haul with it. Wood, stones, furniture, anything. When you’ve got a truck, there’s always somebody that needs to move something somewhere, something that’s too big for a car, and ‘hey can you help me out on Saturday to…’ haul/tow/move some thing or another.

And last but not least, the tail-gate. Where do you think the term ‘tail-gating’ came from anyway? A tail-gate is a great place to hang out and have a beer or two. You don’t even have to be at a football game to enjoy a quality tail-gate.

There’s just something women like about a pick-up man. Damn I miss that thing.

Ernie likes his trucks like he likes his women. Insert your own joke here

The End Zone Archives

April 6, 2007

This Idea Sucks

The NFL has postponed The China Bowl. YAY!! I was not too keen on the whole idea of the China Bowl and I was downright displeased about the Patriots having to play in it, so I was extremely happy to hear the news that the China Bowl has been postponed until 2009. Frankly I hope by the time 2009 comes around that the whole thing will have been chalked up as 'what were we thinking' and canceled.

040513_chinabowl.jpgThe downside? The only reason the China Bowl has been postponed is so that the NFL can focus on the regular season game that is to be played in London this year instead.

I can understand the NFL wants to reach an international audience, but I am completely against teams having to play a 'HOME' game, especially a regular season game, on a field that is an entire continent away in front of spectators who more than likely could not give a rats ass about the game's outcome.

This idea sucks.

If the NFL wants to do this international novelty game, since that is all it is to the majority of the people that will be in attendance, a novelty, they should do it as a special pre-season game, or as a Hall of Fame game, a game that does not count for anything except it's entertainment value.

I don't like it. Not one bit. And it's not even my team that's affected (this time).

I feel bad for the teams that are going to be playing in this game, the Giants and the Dolphins. This is going to be a huge disruption for the players, the coaches and everybody involved with the teams. On top of that, the game has been scheduled for October 28, so the game is going to take place during a critical time of the season for teams that are trying to get into position for the playoffs. This London game could potentially throw a big wrench in the works for the playoff hopes of either one of these teams.

And I haven't even mentioned how this is going to affect the Giants and Dolphins fans. What about them? Is the NFL going to ship the NY Giants and Miami Dolphins season ticket holders over to London so they can root for their teams? I doubt it.

The Dolphins have been designated as the 'home' team. So does this mean that Miami fans are now gipped out of one of their legit home games, you know, the ones that are actually played in Miami? Or is the NFL going to give the Dolphins an extra game in Miami to make up for it? I doubt it.

blazin41.jpgCan we expect that the people who will be attending this game in London will honestly have a clue about what is going on down on the field in front of them? Yes, I'm sure there will be people in the stands that are football fans, and there may even be some legit Giants or Dolphins fans in attendance, but let's be honest, the majority of the people that will be watching this game are going to be there to see a novelty event. They won't care about the game's outcome and, unless they are fans of NFL Europe and have watched the game of 'American Football', probably won't even know what's going on down on the field. Are they going to know when to cheer 'D-FENSE' and when to be quiet? I doubt it. Maybe in the days leading up to the game the NFL will hand out flyers around London that explain how the game of American Football is played... Yah. Sure.

I think the idea of playing a regular season NFL game in London or anywhere else that is outside of the NFL's home markets is a bad idea. Unfortunately, it's something we are going to have to live with and even worse, depending on the outcome, it could very well become a regular event.

I love football but sometimes the NFL really pisses me off. Of course it's entirely possible that I am just a jerk who knows nothing about the rabid NFL fan base that exists overseas which can't wait to see a real NFL football game live and in person. But I doubt it.

Ernie and Lili Von Shtupp are both so sick and tired of this

The End Zone Archives

March 30, 2007

Datsuns in the Eye of the Beholder

Hey everybody! Happy Friday! Friday! Friday! Fri-DAY! Wooop.

Ok, got that out of the way…wait, one more. FRI-DAAAAAAYyy.

Alright. I’m done now.

Before we get into the meat of this week’s story, MLB Opening Day is this Sunday and I need to know which baseball team everybody is going to be rooting for this year. So let me know in the comments.

Me? I’ll be rooting for the NEW YORK YANKEES! That’s right, you know it. I’ll be sporting my puffy, shiny blue Yanks jacket, with the word, ‘Yankees’ scribbled across the front of it in big fancy letters, all around town all season long. Not only that, I’m planning on sleeping with my autographed Derek Jeter baseball under my pillow every night. I just wish he and A-ROD would get along better… Why can’t those two be friends? Oh and one more thing, APRIL FOOLS!! HA HA!

Yeah, I know April Fools is on Sunday, but I’m here on Friday, so I sprung it early on ya. Well? Did I get you? Did I have you thinking I was really a Yankees fan? Ha ha. Yeah, right.

The truth is I am a Boston Red Sox fan. So what baseball team are you rooting for this season? Let us know.

Now, for the story this week: I’ve decided to write a little bit about cars this week, because like everybody else, I miss the car posts here at Faster Than The World and nobody is writing any at this point. So I’ve decided to try and take care of that problem by telling you a little bit about dream cars. Everybody has dream cars. These stories will be about my dream cars and I hope you will tell us all about yours in the comments.

This week, my first dream car, the Datsun 240Z.

When I was 15-16 years old, this was the car I was saving up to buy. I was working as a dishwasher, making about $4.25 an hour and saving every penny for a car.

To me the Datsun 240Z was a super cool car. It was a Japanese import but the body style was very similar to the Ferrari Daytona and the Jaguar XKE. A poor man’s sports car and a teenage dream. I’ll take it.

280z.jpgI was always buying those auto-trader papers and scrounging through them looking for a used 240Z that was in decent shape and not too far out of my price range. There were always a few of them listed every week but the prices were always kind of beyond my means.

Even if I worked every night washing dishes, it was gonna take me probably two or three years to save up for the Datsun. Things were looking a little bleak, but I kept at it.

Eventually I had saved up about $1100.00 and I was starting to get itchy. I had my driver’s license but I had no wheels of my own. My Dad started inquiring among his friends to see if any of them were looking to sell a vehicle. He was not very pleased with the idea of me trying to get a sports car (even though he himself had owned a couple of Triumph’s back in the day, but we won’t get into that..) He was encouraging me to get something more ‘sensible’. In hindsight, I think his main reason for discouraging me from getting a sports car was that he really just did not want to see me wrapped around a phone pole…

The first car we looked at was a Toyota Celica Wagon. It was green and other than the fact that it was a stick and had a good radio, it was lame. Totally lame. I did not want to drive around in a hatchback wagon for crying out loud. Pass.

The next car we looked at was ’77 Chevy Nova coupe. It was gray with a red vinyl top. The interior was red vinyl with a bench seat in the back and a split bench in the front. It had a straight 6 engine that even a mechanical dumb-ass like me could work on. In short, it was not my dream car, but it was a car that I could afford now, not two years from now.

So I settled for the Nova. I nicknamed it the Gray Ghost. It was not a bad car and I had some good times a-plenty in that thing. It got me back and forth to school and took me on several adventures, not to mention the whole sex thing that goes on in teenager’s cars. Plus, I could get it up to almost 80 MPH on the windy twisty back country roads around my house. See, when you’re that age, you’re determined to wrap yourself around a phone pole, no matter what you’re driving.

Even though the Gray Ghost was not a bad car by any means, I’ve always felt a touch of regret that I did not save up for the Datsun 240Z.

A few weeks ago I was driving around with my Wife and Kids in the family van, which is pretty much the antithesis of ‘dream car’, and we drove by a used car lot. Right in front of the lot was a sweet looking Datsun 240Z. It was blue and looked to be in good shape.

‘Check it out! A Datsun 240Z!’ I said to my Wife. ‘That was my dream car when I was a kid.’

‘Really? I think that car’s kind of ugly,’ she said.

I was aghast. ‘What? That’s like one of my favorite cars ever!’ I said.

‘Eh,’ she replied.

I just shook my head. ‘You don’t know what’s cool,’ I said, as she rolled her eyes.

The End Zone Archives

March 23, 2007

Free Coffee Day!! Free Coffee, Dammit!!!

Ok it’s been a few weeks since I wrote anything about football so I suppose I should do something about that. It’s free-agency time and The Patriots are going out of their minds wild this year. They have made key free-agent acquisitions in basically every position that was considered a weak spot heading into the off-season, from linebacker, to receiver, tight-end to running back. And we have not even gotten to the NFL Draft yet, where The Pats still have two number one picks.

What’s going on with the other teams in the league you ask? How the hell should I know? It’s the off-season! What that hell do you want from me? Who do you think I am, Peter fucking King?

I’m only paying attention to my team right now. Got anything we need to know about what your team has or has not done yet this off-season? That’s what the comment section is for!

--

386.jpgSince the Boston Bruins have basically eliminated themselves from any shot at making the NHL playoffs at this point, I have hereby decided to choose The NY Islanders as my backup hockey team. Should the Isles not get in, I have the Toronto Maple Leafs as my backup, backup team. And if Toronto does not make it, then I’ll settle for The Ottawa Senators.

Basically the situation here is that all of the teams I really like in the Eastern Conference are still fighting for a playoff spot.

In the West it’s basically the same thing, so in the Western Conference I am rooting for San Jose, mainly due to the Joe Thornton connection.

--

Is it just me, or is it taking forEVER for baseball season to start? Jesus-Christ!! When is baseball gonna get here?? I am so sick of Spring Training, I can’t even tell you.

I have not watched a single Spring Training game. It holds no interest for me. Who cares what happens in these pre-season Spring Training games? It’s just guys working on different pitches, and guys working on their swings, and working on their fielding, etc etc etc. Spring Training baseball is completely meaningless from a spectator perspective.

You hit the ball, you throw the ball, you catch the ball. You eat sunflower seeds and you spit them out. You play grab-ass and stretch out and jog around the field a few times… I can’t get into it.

I want the real games to start, NOW.

--

Wednesday was the first day of Spring AND it was free iced coffee day at Dunkins. Regardless of the fact that the temps were below freezing, coffee is coffee, iced or not, and free is free, so on my work-break I decided to head to the local gas station, which also conveniently houses a Dunks inside, in order to fill up the tank and acquire my free iced beverage.

One of the guys that I work with decided to accompany me for the ride, just to get some air. I pulled into the gas station and filled up the car. Before heading inside to get my free and refreshing iced coffee I asked my buddy, 'Aren't you going in for a coffee?'

'Nope.'

'Why not? How can you turn down free Dunkins coffee? It’s fuckin’ FREE!'

'Because I don't drink coffee. And you KNOW I don't drink coffee,' he replied smoothly.

'Well you can always get one and give it to me!' I said, blinking innocently.

'Yeah, I know. And I know that's what you're really after, isn’t it, Mister Ulterior Motive, so no, no extra free coffee for you.'

'Fuckin’ bastard... Fine!’

The End Zone Archives

dunkindonutscoffee.jpg

March 16, 2007

I Could Make A Mint

Recently my Wife showed me an article in the paper about a local person who had written a children’s book and it was so successful, this person was able to quit their regular job and is now driving around in a very cool car, like a Porsche 911 or something.

Now, my kids are all five years old and under, so let me tell you, I’m either reading or listening these children’s books a lot and it does not seem to me that it would take a lot of effort to write one of these things. In fact, it seems to me that writing a children’s book would be a piece of cake.

Drawing124.jpgI go around all day making up silly rhymes and stuff like that to keep the kids entertained, and thus, I have decided to create a collection of my wonderfully charming and cute stories and rhymes for children. Can you say easy money? Oh yeah!

Here are a few examples:

For a one year old:

(In a happy, laugh-y voice)

Well my name is [child’s name] and I am one!

Come-on with me, and we’ll have some fun!!

I’m very, very busy, there’s lots to do!

So come on with me, and I’ll show you!

Pretty damn good don’t you think? Don’t steal that one because that’s going in my children’s collection.

Here’s a nice story I came up with:

This is a puppy. He says ‘Woof!’

Can you say, ‘Woof’?

Here is a fishy.

Glub, glub, glub.

Hi fishy!

Here is a cute little baby! Just like you!

Hi baby!

Dudes and ladies, this is like printing money here. The stuff on this site is all copyrighted and all that so don’t even think about stealing any of this.

Next, for bath-time:

(In a silly voice)

Wash your elbows and your nose and your knees and your toes

And your arms and your blarms and your farms and your yarms.

I know. Genius. I am good at this. I can’t help it. It just comes naturally. It’s a natural gift that I have.

Next:

(Sung to the tune of The Farmer in the Dell)

The dog ate the grass, the dog ate the grass,

children_drawings_vampire.jpgHi-ho, the derry-o, the dog at the grass.

And then he threw up, then he threw up!

Hi-ho the derry-o, the dog just threw up.

Can you believe this stuff? It just comes to me, with hardly any effort.

Yes, I know. Amazing.

Here’s one I came up with the other day at dinner:

(make up your own tune)

Ohhhhhhh, booogers! They are my favorite things!

They’re so easy to find just do a little digging!

When I’m waiting for my snack, or just feeling hun-gry

I’ll just go for a booger or two. It’s so ea-sy!

And that is just a small sample my friends. I’ve got tons more where those came from. Any publishers out there, feel free to contact me through the site here. Let’s talk.

I figure I can do some wicked good drawings and stuff to go along with these too. Or, even better, I can get my daughter to do the drawings and that in and of itself is both charming and adorable.

So, to sum this all up, we’re talking mega-adorable children’s stories AND incredibly charming, cute and authentic child-drawn illustrations to accompany them. I really think that parents and kids will love this collection, don’t you?

[Extending thumb and pinky] Call me...

The End Zone Archives

March 9, 2007

Beep Beep Beep And Out Go The Lights

beep-beep-beep!! beep-beep-beep!! beep-beep-beep!!

It was the loathsome and utterly hated sound of the pager going off, waking me from a perfectly good sleep, some time in the late night / early morning hours.

Yes, it was my turn to cover the customer support line pager and take care of our idiot customers who were having problems with their systems at 2AM and other insane hours. There was nothing I hated more than being on pager duty. Nothing. The extra pay involved was NOT worth it.

I rolled out of bed, grabbed the phone and called into the message center to retrieve what I was sure would be an extremely urgent and important message (can you hear the sarcasm in my voice?) from someone in dire need of help with their computer system. (Yeah, right).

FF_129160_s.jpgThe frantic voice in the message implored me to call him right away and as soon as possible because, 'I'm having a HUGE problem here and I REALLY NEED SOME HELP!! Please call me at 555-5555!!'

Hmmmm. Ok. It's gonna be kinda hard to call somebody back when you don't leave your FUCKING AREA CODE in the phone message. 'What an idiot' I said to no one in particular, since I was the only person awake at the time. Not only did this person neglect to leave his area code, but he also neglected to leave his company's name or the location that he was calling from, otherwise I could have found out his phone number by looking up his site in the customer database.

'What am I supposed to do here?' I asked myself. The choice was obvious. Since there was nothing I could do, go back to bed.

Shortly after returning to dream-land, I was awakened once again by that hated beep-beep-beep sound. I called in and got the message. It was the same person, this time sounding even more frantic, with a large dose of agitation thrown in over the fact that no one had called him back yet.

'I NEED HELP! Isn't this supposed to be TWENTY-FOUR HOUR SUPPORT?? What are we paying for here anyway?? Please call me at 555-5555!!'

The goddam idiot had once again, left a message with no area code, company name, or location.

Now, I should point out that all this occurred around the year 1996. There was no Google back then and there was no high-speed cable modem with a wireless network connection to my spiffy ultra-fast laptop. I had an Apple Powerbook 540 computer (company owned) running at a blazing 33 MHz and a 14k modem connection to my company's customer database. That was it. It was not like I could just go online and try to look up this guy's phone number. I think the computer I was using had this new fangled program called Netscape 2.0 installed on it...

Realizing that this customer was probably going to continue to call and leave angrier and angrier messages all night long, but not sure how to get back in touch with him, since I did not have his phone number, I was unsure what my next step should be at this point. I decided to sleep on it and see what would happen.

As expected, the beep-beep-beeper went off once again and it was my now very angry friend who was going to be calling my boss and his supervisor ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP if somebody did not call him back. Yeah, yeah yeah. Whatever... Guess what? STILL no area code or location in the message. 'I'm at 555-5555!'

I decided to try calling the phone operator to see if she could give me a list of area-codes that might match up with the prefix for the number the guy had left me.

douglaschip.bmp'Hello operator? Yeah, I'm wondering if you can help me. Someone is urgently trying to get in touch with me but they keep forgetting to tell me the area code in their messages. Is there any way I can find out the area codes that could go along with the number 555-5555?'

After a brief, 'what the hell?' like pause, thankfully, the operator was able to help me out. I got a fairly short list of area-codes to try and after several attempts and wrong numbers, I was eventually able to get back in touch with the now infuriated customer. Not too surprisingly, the location was somewhere in L.A.

The first thing the customer did was angrily ask me why the FUCK I did not call him back right away. I calmly explained to him that he had neglected to leave his area-code, company name or location in any of his messages and that I had to call a telephone operator to get a list of area-codes to try in conjunction with the phone number that he had given me, and that I had eventually hit upon the right one.

Silence.

'What, you mean you're not in L.A.?' he asked.

'Ah, no. Try Boston.'

'Oh.'

'Yeah. So how can I help you.'

'Oh. I figured it out myself. It was in the manual.'

Wishing for the customer's violent and painful death, I calmly and cheerily replied, 'Ok great! Well thanks for calling [company name] customer support. You have a good night,' I said, and proceeded to strangle the phone in the absence of this guy's neck.

I hated pager duty.

Archives

March 2, 2007

Momma Says Fooseball Is The Devil…

slow%20day.jpgHi Everybody! Happy Friday my friends!! Friday fully fucking rules, does it not? Yes indeedy it does… Alright you guys, I’m not going to lie to you. I don’t have a lot for you today. Things are pretty slow in the beautiful land of football.

There was the NFL Meat Market also known as the NFL Combine last weekend. This annual event is where Coaches and GMs from around the league size up college players who will be potential draft picks in about a month. Players are measured, weighed, photographed, and put through a series of physical and mental tests.

Other than the fact that it took place last weekend, there’s not much else to say about it. Some people believe that a player’s chances of getting drafted can hang on their combine results, but I don’t go along with that. You can’t judge a football player by how fast he can run the 100 yard dash or how far he can place in the long jump. Just because some guy may be a track star, that does not equate into him becoming a top NFL player.

What else is going on… Well Free Agency starts this weekend, today as a matter of fact. This is the period where players are going to try and cash in and get those enormous contracts that would set you or I, along with our extended families, up for the rest of our lives, but which some football players will undoubtedly blow on a HUMMER with a nice sound system and a hot-tub in the back…

Since there’s not a lot of football related stuff going on right now I’ve been trying to find other stuff to keep busy. I’ve been keeping an eye on The Red Sox spring training news and I’ve been watching NASCAR racing. The Daytona 500 this year was really good, although my favorite driver lost the race by a foot and a half... I’ve also been hanging out with Satan, practicing my guitar a lot more, and at the recommendation of my loyal readers, there’s been lots of hookers and blow… just kidding about that last part... or am I? (ok yes, I am kidding. Can’t fool you, you buncha sharp cookies).

So, seeing as how it’s Fun Faster Than the World Friday (or Reward Friday as I like to refer to it) it’s my turn to help entertain you here at Faster Than the World, so I’m gonna fall back on the old reliable: lists of movies. Or, in my case, favorite Football movies. Here are a select few of mine that I can always count on when I need a good football fix.

Rudy:

“I’m here to play Football for the Irish…” Dudes and ladies, this movie is the fucking balls. I’m telling you right now, it does not get any better than this. This is the pinnacle, the zenith, the top of the pile. Even though there’s not a whole lot of actual football action in the movie, this is one of the best football movies there is. I’ve seen this one at least 150 times. I once watched it every night for like two weeks straight. I’ve cut down on my ‘Rudy’ intake and I’m down to watching it a few times a year at this point, but I still get misty every time when Rudy sits down and reads the letter saying that he’s finally been accepted into Notre Dame. Chokes me up every single time… Then that part where Rudy goes back home and visits his father at
the factory where he used to work and gives the acceptance letter to his father, ‘You wanna work?’

‘Can’t Dad… football practice starts next week…’

Awesome.

Remember the Titans:

This is another one of those inspirational football movies. It’s got Denzel Washington in it so you know it’s good. Denzel is one of those guys where, I feel like you can’t go wrong if he’s in it. If Denzel Washington is in a movie, it’s a pretty safe bet it’s going to be a good one. There are a ton of good football scenes in this movie, as well as some kind of side story about people coming together and overcoming adversity or something like that…

Necessary Roughness:

Now. Here we have another excellent football movie. It’s got Sinbad, who is hilarious, and don’t try and kid yourself and try and tell yourself that he’s not, because you know damn well that he is, because he makes everybody laugh, so just stop with the pretense, ok? It’s also got the guy from Quantum Leap, The Makin’ Copies Guy from Saturday Night Live, and The Hotel Manager from Pretty Woman in it. In short, you’re looking at an All-Star cast here. This is a rags to riches story about a really bad college football team that pulls itself together and by the end of the movie is totally kicking it’s arch-rival’s ass. I won’t give away the ending on you.

Ok last one then I’ll let you go and leave some of your faves in the comments. Or tell me how stupid mine are. Whatever.

The Waterboy:

‘Momma says fooseball is the Devil…’ Say what you want about Adam Sandler flicks, but this is a funny movie and there is lots of football in it.Watching Adam as The Waterboy tackle anything and everything in sight while also serving some pretty fine H-2-O is pretty damn cracks-me-up, especially the part where he tackles that Col. Sanders lookin’ guy in the classroom. That is comedy gold right there.. There are a bunch of really stupid gags and dumb one-liners in this movie which basically makes it right up my alley. I am so easily entertained it’s not even funny. Kathy Bates is awesome as The Waterboy’s Momma, plus it’s got Jerry Reed in it.. Jerry Fuckin Reed people! AND Henry Winkler. There is no possible way you can go wrong with this movie.

“I like Vicki, and she like me back! And she showed me her boobies and I like them too!”

Comedy football-related gold…

Ok, that’s it for this week’s, whatever this was.. Next week I’ll come back and try and think up something else to write about. Have a good weekend!

Archives

February 23, 2007

Slayer Saves

ssmain01.jpg It was a Friday night ahead of a long weekend. I left work at the magic hour of 5 o’clock and headed south for Providence R.I. I was going to a club called Lupo’s Heartbreak Hotel so see Satan’s favorite band, Slayer.

Providence was a good hour and a half away and as I drove down I listened to the classic Slayer albums, ‘Seasons In the Abyss’ and ‘Reign In Blood’. This would be my first time seeing Slayer live and I was wondering what to expect at the show tonight and what the crowd would be like. Would it be a bunch of guys standing there banging their heads, or a mosh pit frenzy?

The drive down to Providence was relatively easy. It’s pretty much a straight shot southbound and down. Rt 495, down past Foxboro Stadium, home of The New England Patriots, and on to Rt 95 into Providence.

As I drove down I noted that the traffic on the other side of the highway, heading Northbound, was backed up for several miles, undoubtedly due to the fantastic driving skills of one of my fellow Massholeachusetts drivers.

Once I reached Providence, the traffic got thick. Time to start paying attention and take a glance at the directions. I came to the exit and merged over. There was a stop light at the end of the ramp, so it was backed up all the way onto the highway. Brilliant.

The directions called for me to exit the highway, take a left and then take my next left. Ok, no problem. I followed the directions and found myself, much to my surprise, back on the highway, heading in the opposite direction of where I wanted to be.

What the?? DAMMIT!

I got off the highway at the next exit and back-tracked my way back to where I was supposed to be, passing several fabulous Providence night-spots along the way, such as The Foxy Lady and various other Gentleman’s Clubs, of which there are a great many in Providence…

Mental note for the next time I come here: ignore the directions. Take the SECOND left.

After this slight detour and two full hours after leaving work, I had reached my destination. There is a parking garage conveniently located one street down from the club, so I drove down a side street, ignoring various suggestions from various traffic signals, as all of my fellow drivers were doing, and pulled into the garage.

In the alleyway next to the club, there is a fantastic little place called Murphy’s Deli and Bar. This is my kind of place and I was looking forward to hitting this spot for a little refreshment before heading into the show.

Lupo_exterior.gifMurphy’s is not to big, not super crowded, is dimly lit and has lots of Patriots, Red Sox and Bruins paraphernalia on the walls. Oh yea and there is a great beer selection and an awesome bowl of chili too.

I settled in on a barstool and ordered a shot of Jack and a Smithwick’s. I quickly downed both and ordered another round of the same, along with a bowl of chili. Cheese and onions on top? Definitely.

I downed the second shot of Jack and then took my time with the beer and chili, relaxing and watching some kooky celebrity basketball tournament on the TV that hung over the bar.

After finishing up and settling my tab, I walked over to Lupo’s. It was a cold night and I had left my jacket in the car. Expecting to be jammed, pushed and packed in with hundreds of other people, I wanted to be wearing the minimal amount of apparel, without having to freeze my ass off at the same time. The club was only a short walk up the street so I was not exposed to the freezing temperatures for very long.

As I entered the club I took everything out of my pockets, keys and a wallet. The less stuff you’ve got, the easier it is for everybody. I got my wristband and headed inside.

As I entered, the second band of the night, Unearth, was already playing, but they had just recently started, so I did not miss too much. I have never heard Unearth before and did not realize they were from Boston until I walked over to check out the merch and saw a shirt that said ‘BOSTON FUCKIN METAL’ written in big white letters.

While I was over there I checked out the Slayer merch. I thought about maybe buying a shirt, but starting at $35 bucks, that was too rich for my blood. I don’t need a $35 dollar t-shirt.

Lupo’s is set up in kind of a tiered arrangement, with each level heading down till you are eventually at the floor. I stood on the top tier and watched Unearth play. I thought they were a pretty good band. Even though I did not know any of their tunes, I thought several of them were pretty good and the band played with a lot of energy.

The singer seemed to have the ability to actually sing a bit and did not just sound like cookie monster with guitars, which seems to be the big thing these days (Heh. I just said ‘these days’. Yeah I’m old. Get off my lawn).

The guitar players would occasionally do a few antics like spin their guitar around their back, and every so often, some guy would appear out of nowhere out on the stage holding a beer funnel for one of them to chug. Kinda goofy but whatever. The lead guitar player seemed to have quite a lot of technical ability and the whole band seemed to be having a good time, which was infectious to the crowd.

I decided Unearth was a pretty good band, worthy of checking out after the show… And they were local, from Boston, and touring with Slayer, so that was cool.

After Unearth’s set, it was time to wait around for Slayer. I headed over to the bar, got a Sam Adams and started to make my way to the tier just above the floor to watch the crew set up for Slayer. It did not take very long and I had just reached the bottom of my plastic beer cup when the lights came down and Slayer walked out onto the stage.
slayer - live 8.jpg

The stage setup for Slayer was minimal. There was a backdrop with a picture of their latest album, ‘Christ Illusion’ and a few red and green lights that would swivel around go give things that Slaytanic look, and that was it. The rest was all Slayer and that was all that was necessary.

The band mixed in a good number of the new songs as well as the older ones that I am familiar with such as War Ensemble, Dead Skin Mask and Raining Blood (from a lacerated sky, bleeding it’s horror… fuck yeah).

Slayer was relentless and the intensity of their playing seemed to ratchet up a notch every time they started in on a new tune. It was like a ball rolling down hill that just kept gaining momentum. With each song, Tom Araya’s vocals seemed to grow stronger and stronger and guitar players Kerry King and Jeff Hanneman traded off between laying down viciously fast riffs along with ranging, piercing solos, intermixed with powerful, heavy bridges that would momentarily slow the pace before jumping back into the speed,. The whole band played together without missing a trick. Dave Lombardo laid down the foundation with his precise, insanely fast drumming.

Slayer would play each tune at a frenetic pace and hit each of the stops perfectly. I was extremely impressed with how well the band played together…

Of course, I did not just stand there and analyze what was going on up on stage. I was right down near the floor, only one level up, and the pushing and shoving was moving me down to the main floor area. I did not resist it and allowed the flow carry me down.

I was on the right hand side of the floor, right where Kerry King was playing. From where I was, I could see King, Araya and Lombardo. I got occasional glimpses of Hanneman off to the left.

Once I was on the floor I was sucked into the pit and pretty much just went with the flow of it, shoving and getting shoved. Occasionally there would be too many people on top of me so I’d swing my elbows, along with a bit of emphatic shoving, and clear people off.

Although the pit was certainly wild and frantic, people were flying all over the place, it was not completely out of hand. People were surfing the crowd and falling on their asses. I helped a few guys up off the floor, as well as a few others up over peoples heads. The code, as I call it, was being followed for the most part, though I did get a gut punch from one younger guy that showed a look of surprise and pain when I paid it back in return along with a good shove.

Don’t fuck with the old guys.

I did not surf. Ernie don’t surf.

toc_large.jpgBetween songs, Slayer would stop and Tom Araya would look around, smile and banter with the crowd. He seemed to like the response and often had a smile on his face. Other songs the band played included Seasons In the Abyss and Spirit in Black. There were of course, many more that I did not know, not that it mattered. They all fully kicked ass.

At one point Araya asked the crowd, ‘Do you wanna die?’ The loud response of ‘YEAH!’ put a smile on his face and he asked again, ‘DO YOU WANNA DIE?’

YEAHHH!

During this brief interaction I could not help but think that the people yelling in the affirmative either had no idea what their reply meant, or they were fully and completely aware of the meaning of their reply. I also happened to look around in this moment and take in Lupo’s in general. It’s and old theater, like a lot of places. I looked up and up over the stage, is a painting of an angel, looking down and smiling on the happenings below. I could not help but find it somewhat humorous and a little ironic too.

And with that Slayer launched into, as Araya emphasized with his introduction, Post-MORTEM. This tune fully kicked things into another gear and crowd responded in kind.

Slayer ended the night with everybody’s favorite, Angel of Death. When the show was over, the band lingered on the stage throwing picks and drum-sticks out to the crowd. I was right near Kerry King. He threw a few picks in my vicinity but I did not catch any. Of course, I was not going out of my way to get one either. I did not think it was worth it to climb on top of someone just to get a guitar pick.

Once King had thrown out his last pick, he held out his left arm and pointed emphatically to each word of the tattoo that covered the underside of his forearm, “God Hates Us All”

And with that, the show was over. Time to head back to the car and head home. I had seen an incredible show. In fact, I would tell my Wife the next day that I thought it was the best metal show I had ever seen. It was not the loudest, the pit was not the craziest, but as far as the band and the music and the experience, I felt it was the best. Hail Slayer.

Archives

February 16, 2007

Start Those Engines Or Something Like That

Well football fans, the season may be over but there is still stuff going on in the world of The NFL.

This past weekend, the Pro-Bowl took place. For some inane reason, the NFL decided to play the game on Saturday night, leaving most football fans, who suddenly found themselves without a game to watch on Sunday, wondering what the hell happened.lawnmowerracing1.jpg

I spend the entire day on Sunday doing chores around the house, trying to keep busy and keep my mind off the fact that there was no football game that day. It was not easy to do. All day long there was this annoying feeling that something was missing. I could not put my finger on it, until around 3 PM, I realized what it was: football.

That was the time when I would normally have been watching football.

I need to get something to fill the football void, or I’m just going to spend every Sunday doing chores. And that would fully hella suck.

Or course, as the weeks continue on, things will get easier, especially when there are things to distract us from the fact that football is missing from our lives.

For example, this weekend, there’s the Daytona 500, the Superbowl of NASCAR racing.

I’ll let you in on a little secret (ok, maybe it’s not much of a secret). This may come as a surprise, but I like NASCAR.

Try not to be shocked but it is true. I am one of those people that like to watch cars go around in circles and yes, I do consider racing a sport and drivers to be athletes, so don’t bother wasting your time trying to convince me otherwise.

A little further down the line, there will be baseball. I started switching into baseball mode this week, and now that spring training has started I pulled the Sox cap off the bedpost…

MossmanCheckeredFlag.jpgLets close things out with some recent goings on in the NFL. Even though the games are over, there is still stuff going on.

The big thing to happen recently has been the firing of San Diego Chargers Head Coach Marty Schottenheimer. After The Chargers were defeated by The Patriots in the AFC Divisional Playoffs, Shottzie’s status in San Diego looked to be in doubt. Immediately after the game, it looked like his job might have been on the line, but then several weeks passed and there was no change. Marty’s job looked to be safe. Till now…

Last weekend in the Pro-Bowl, we learned that it’s not always a good idea to actually play in the game, as New Orleans Saints’ QB Drew Brees found out when he injured the elbow on his non-throwing arm. The chance of injury to a player is one of the reasons that I find the NFL Pro-Bowl to be somewhat lame, (besides the fact that it’s really just a big popularity contest.)

To me, playing in the Pro-Bowl is not worth the risk. The Pro-Bowl is about as meaningless of a football game as there possibly is. Why take a chance of some freak accident happening and ruining your career for nothing? Not worth it.

This past Pro-Bowl, The Patriots had only one player represented. Was I unhappy about that? Hell no! Less chance of one of our guys getting hurt for nothing.

If players were smart, they’d accept the honor of being selected to the Pro-Bowl and then find some excuse not to play, like maybe telling the coaches they were on the beach got a really, really bad sunburn and now they can’t wear their pads, or maybe telling them the helmet they packed was too small and does not fit their head. Say that the Hawaiian hula girls are too distracting... Anything! Just don’t play in the game because The Pro-Bowl is not worth the chance of getting hurt.

Alright, that’s it for this week. Feel free to tell me who you’re rooting for in the Daytona 500 on Sunday. Or just try to name a driver besides Dale Jr.

Archives

February 9, 2007

And I'm Taking My Ball With Me

Walking_Home_full.gifOk, that’s it… Show’s over… Everybody go home… The Colts won. The season is over. No more football till August. Well, unless you count the Pro Bowl this weekend, I guess, which I don’t…

Walking_Home_full.gifSo like millions of other football fans, I now must ask myself, ‘what the hell am I supposed to do now? No football?? Now what?’

Well, I suppose there are a few things I could do to keep me occupied now that my Sunday’s don’t involve football games anymore.

I could:

Wait for baseball season to start, but that’s not till April. Damn, that’s a long way away. Spring training does nothing for me. I need the real thing.

At some point I’ll switch from Patriots mode to Red Sox mode. I’ll take the Sox hat off the bedpost and put the Pats hat in it’s place, and I’ll switch out the winter hats from the blue knit hat with the Pats ‘Flying Elvis’ logo to the red knit hat the Sox ‘B’ logo on it. But that is going to be a while. I can’t just switch it off, this football thing. Change has gotta come at it’s own pace, like Spring.

Perhaps I could:

Watch hockey. That’s something I guess. It does not help that my team totally kinda blows at this current juncture…

Watch the NBA. Phht! Ha ha! Yeah. That’s a good one!

Wait for the NFL Draft and work on pretending I actually know who all these college players that people are going to be talking about are. ‘Oh sure that’s Jack McGillicutty out of Georgia Tech. 6’3 250. Lineman. Gonna go in the fourth round to the Bills I bet…’ What do you think? Sound convincing?

Other ideas… maybe:

Take up needlepoint. Yeah. Not gonna happen.

Organize my old Patriots Football Weekly mags. Nah.

Watch a documentary about global warming. Um, have you been outside this week? It’s frikkin freezing out Mr. Bigglesworth. Global warming my ass…

There’s the Daytona 500 next weekend. I like to watch cars going around in circles, so I guess there’s that to look forward to… WHAT ELSE? THERE’S GOT TO BE SOMETHING ELSE!!! HELLLP!!!

Oh wait, what’s this? An e-mail from Patriots.com? Hmmm. Says here I can join The Pats Cheerleaders in exotic Punta Cana (sounds hott) for their swimsuit calendar shoot. Includes private dinners and volleyball games with the squad! Hot damn. NOW we’re talking. Oh shit. What would the Wife say? NO, of course…

Dammit.

Plus, I’m broke.

Double dammit.

Oh well, The Patriots Cheerleaders will just have to have fun in exotic Punta Cana without me.

Dudes and ladies I am stumped.

Life without football. I’m forced to go cold turkey and I’m not handling it very well. Got any ideas for me? Because obviously I’ve got nothing to write about here…

Ernie will find something to occupy his time....somehow...

Archives

February 4, 2007

THE SUPERBOWL

waldorf-statler-cad500.jpg

February 2, 2007

Let's Do This Fucker

Ok gang, this is it. I mean, this is REALLY it. The Big Game is this Sunday. It’s the last game of the 2006-07 NFL season. I’m talking, of course, about THE SUPERBOWL, the first major holiday of the year.
coltbear.jpg
Yes, that’s right. I said it. The SUPERBOWL is a holiday.

Now, I’m sure there are a stubborn few of you out there reading this who will try and deny that The SUPERBOWL is, in fact, a holiday. Like my Wife for example. Whenever I tell her that THE SUPERBOWL is a holiday, she tries to tell me that it’s a football game and a football game is not a holiday.

Well, that might be true if it were just a football game, but it’s not just any old football game, it’s THE SUPERBOWL. So you non-believers can try and pretend that the SUPERBOWL is not a real holiday all you want, but, that will not change the fact that THE SUPERBOWL = HOLIDAY. And a great holiday it is, a holiday where everybody gets the same present, the gift of watching the two best teams in the NFL battle for the Lombardi Trophy and a SUPERBOWL Championship.

Plus you get to eat lots of really tasty goodies like buffalo chicken, chili, guacamole, beer, various other beverages, chips, pretzels and an endless variety of cheese covered, artery clogging snacks.

Did I mention that beer is involved?

Whatever your SUPERBOWL spread may consist of, make sure you throw some ROOSTER SAUCE on it. Because ROOSTER SAUCE rules.

As far as the game itself goes, unless you are living under a rock or are one of those people, again, like my Wife, who tries to pretend that they don’t care about football, (while secretly knowing damn well that you do,) you know that The Indianapolis Colts are facing The Chicago Bears for The Lombardi Trophy this Sunday.

I’m going to get this out of the way right here and now: this is not the match-up I was hoping for. I am not a Colts fan. In fact I am the opposite of Colts fan. I am anti-Colts fan. I think anybody that has read this feature here on FTTW knows this, so I think it goes without saying that I am rooting for The Chicago Bears this weekend.

However, rather than subject everyone out there to my admittedly harsh bias against The Colts, I thought I’d take a quick poll of some of our fabulous FTTW writing crew and see what a few other people have to say about The Big Game this weekend. Here you go:

On one hand we have DR who writes:

GO COLTS

My kid endorses this statement.

Ok. Straight and too the point.

On the other end of the spectrum, we have Kali, who writes:

fuck irsay. in the ass. with an aluminum bat.

Simply stated, but well said. (The Isray’s are the owners of the Colts, for those who are wondering.)

Well there you have it, two different viewpoints heading into The Big Game.

Chicago comes into the game as the underdog, and I’m not talking about the beloved cartoon I watched in my youth. The Bears will face a very balanced team in The Colts. Indy has an offense that can put up a lot of points in a short span of time, and a defense that has really played above and beyond over the course of the playoffs. They have been extremely good against the run. In fact Indy’s run defense has been the strength of their team throughout the playoffs so far.

7672c0f0.gifChicago’s defense is also very good. They have the ability to stop the run and pressure the quarterback. They are also very good at creating turnovers, which is one of the main reasons behind their success this year. On offense, they are efficient, if not spectacular. Bears QB Rex Grossman is going to need to engineer some drives, not only to put needed points up on the board, but to keep Indy’s offense off of the field. The Bears are known for their defense, but if their D spends the majority of the game on the field, they are going to wear down eventually and if that happens it is going to be a long, possibly painful game for Chicago fans.

Well, we’ve reached the end my friends. I’d like to take a second to thank Michele and Turtle for letting me write this nonsense here at FTTW over the past few months. It has been a lot of fun and I really enjoyed all the comments and team loyalty fights, poems and other nutty, fun stuff we did. I’m going to continue writing stuff after football season ends, about what I have no idea, I mean other than football what else is there, but I’ll come up with something.

Until then, enjoy The Big Game and The SUPERBOWL Holiday everybody!

Ernie likes to party. He don't cause trouble. He don't bother nobody.

Archives

January 26, 2007

My Rules

Rather bloody hockey fight.jpgOk there are no football games this week. NONE! So now what the hell are we supposed to do with ourselves, huh? Well ya got me because seriously, I have no idea. After six months of devoting my Sundays to football, what do I do when it’s gone?

Thankfully, at least we have hockey back. That will help to fill the span of nothingness that exists between The Superbowl and opening day of baseball season, sort of, I guess.

Thankfully we don’t have to worry about that just yet because even though there’s nothing this weekend, there’s still one last game left, the biggest game of the year… Next week is The Big Game, THE SUPERBOWL!

But in the meantime, this week, nuthin.

Maybe there’ll be some bmx motor-cross or figure skating or something on this Sunday. I don’t know. All I know is, somehow, we’ll get through it.

Since there’s no games for me to talk about this week, I thought I’d write about something that everybody here at Faster Than the Fucking World seems to like, music! Music that makes me think about football to be exact!

These are some of my favorite songs and even though they really have nothing to do with football, for some reason these songs always make me think about the game. Here we go!

Metallica - Damage Inc

This song makes me think about running backs.

Slamming through, dont fuck with razorback
Stepping out? youll feel our hell on your back
Blood follows blood and we make sure
Life aint for you and were the cure
Honesty is my only excuse
Try to rob us of it, but its no use
Steamroller action crushing all
Victim is your name and you shall fall

Once again, in reality, nothing to do with football, but in my reality, it’s all about football. Whenever I hear this song I think about a running back, smashing his way forward, stiff-arming some helpless linebacker and bashing his way into the end zone for a touchdown. As a football game wears on and nears the end, it’s the running back’s job to lay the beat down on a tired defense, pummeling them into submission and running out the clock till the game is over and another win is checked off on the schedule.

misfits157.jpgMisfits - Astro Zombies

For some reason this tune always makes me think about NFL Coaches. Yeah, I know the song is really about astro-zombies coming down to destroy the whole fucking race, but when I hear it, I always think about some coach buried away in some office, spending endless hours of their lives trying to figure out how to defeat whoever their opponent is on any given Sunday.

With just a touch of my burning hand
I’m gonna live my life to destroy your world
Prime directive, exterminate
The whole fuckin race


I don’t know why, but all I can think about when I hear that is an NFL Head Coach. These guys devote their lives to the game and to destroying their opponent every week.

Rollins Band - On My Way To the Cage

On the way to the cage
I heard the crowd roar
Thoughts of you were long behind me
I couldn’t ask for more
The lights are almost blinding
Come closer, see yourself in my eyes
Fear me

To me, this song is all about the quarterbacks. The outcome of the game rests on their shoulders. They stand back there, block everything out and look the oncoming rushers in the eye. The quarterback delivers the ball and takes the hit. Then they get up and do it again. And again. And along the way, more times than not, they’ll make you pay if you don’t get there fast enough. “Fear me”

Godsmack -Time Bomb

This one is all about the cornerbacks and safeties. Hanging back like predators, like lions in the grass. They wait for the quarterback to make a mistake and then they pounce. They wait for that moment to pounce on the ball snatch it from the air right in front of the intended receiver and take off in the other direction. All the way in for six if they’re lucky.

I’m a bad motherfucker who lives it every day.
You never look at me now, you never look me in the face.
I’m a timebomb, timebomb, baby.

T-shirt-Black-Flag-My-Rules11.GIFOk last one. This is one I always think about in the days and moments leading up to the game.

Black Flag - Forever Time

Time
Time
Forever time
Its time to walk by me
One last time, its time
At first
Relax
Get set
Get your message from time
Time, time, time, time

I look forward to football every week. I really do. I know it’s weird to some people, they say ‘it’s just a game’ but watching the games on Sunday is a thing that I truly enjoy.

One more week and it’s gone for six months. Consider this week practice for what’s coming up.

One more game left. Got any songs that make you think about the game?

Ernie will stick rock..even though the Pats are out.

Archives

January 20, 2007

Conference Championships!

nflgameday21.jpg

January 19, 2007

The Final Four..Wait, This Is The NFL

Well my friends, after last weekend's divisional round, which featured some of the best football games we have seen all year, here we are. This weekend it’s The AFC and NFC Conference Championships. Four teams, two games. These teams have come a long way and now each one is only one game away from making it to The Big Game, also known as The SUPERBOWL. butkus.gif

This is what every person on these teams has worked for since training camps started all the way back in July. To make it to this point is something to be proud of. If your team is still in it, I hope you are enjoying the ride.

Of course, only one team can win each game this weekend, that means somebody is going to go home disappointed and somebody is going to move on for a shot at winning The Superbowl.

I still have not decided on the proper tailgating treats for Sunday. Last weekend I went with chili (3 bowls consumed) and hot-dogs. This weekend I’m thinking sausages, peppers and onions. It’s a classic combo that is sure to please The Football Gods. Maybe some buffalo wings too… Yeah. Sounds good.

How about you? Let us know what you have going on for the games on Sunday.
Sunday, Jan. 21

New Orleans at Chicago: 3:00 pm – FOX

Chicago is in it’s first Conference Championship game since 1988. So why does it seem like people in Chicago are so unhappy with their team? Rex Grossman is not a perfect quarterback by any means, but he’s gotten The Bears to this point, just one game away from The Superbowl. Grossman seems to be very unpopular among Bears fans. I know he makes mistakes but at the same time, look where this team is. I can’t figure it out.

That is just my view as an outsider. Maybe I am wrong about this? Feel free to set me straight in the comments.

New Orleans is playing in the first NFC Championship game in the team’s entire history. They have an explosive offense with the exciting combination of quarterback Drew Brees and rookie running back Reggie Bush. With everything that went on with Hurricane Katrina and the City of New Orleans, this Saints team coming back to The Superdome and making it to the title game is the feel-good story of the year. I think it’s great to see. You can’t make this kind of stuff up.

DonovanColts.jpgNew England at Indianapolis: 6:30 pm – CBS

The Patriots and Colts meet once again in the playoffs with a trip to The Superbowl on the line. This time it’s on The Colts home turf in the air conditioned comfort of the RCA Dome.

The Colts defeated The Patriots during the regular season 27-20 in a game where The Patriots turned the ball over 5 times. The Patriots have cleaned up the turnover problem since then and their receivers are clicking with Tom Brady. Defensively The Patriots are playing great as well. They are tough against the run and are very good at preventing teams from scoring once they reach the red-zone, (the area between the 20 yard-line and the End Zone.)

The mark against the Colts this year has been their inability to stop the run, but in the playoffs they have done an excellent job of handling two good running backs in Kansas City’s Larry Johnson and Baltimore’s Jamal Lewis. With Colts quarterback Peyton Manning not playing his best in the playoffs so far, it has actually been the Colts defense that has kept them in these last two playoff games and the leg of former Patriots kicker, Adam Vinatieri, that has provided the scoring for The Colts.

Expect both of these teams to lay it all on the line in this game. The Colts want to get The Patriots monkey off their back once and for all. The Patriots want to prove that they are still the team to beat in the AFC. Add in the fact that the winner moves on to The Superbowl and you’ve got the makings of a classic (and a potential heart-attack in my living room.)

Enjoy this weekends games everyone!

Ernie is just wondering what to do when this all over

Archives

January 14, 2007

Divisional Playoffs

gamedaydivision.jpg

January 12, 2007

Do Not Take Lightly

Ok football fans, here it is. Divisional Playoff time. 8 teams, four games. The best teams in the NFL are facing each other this weekend. That means you need to be prepared. First of all, if you have any plans, it is time to cancel them. Remind whoever might be inconvenienced or insulted that it is THE DIVISIONAL PLAYOFFS DUMBASS and ask them what the hell were they thinking scheduling a whatever it is they have scheduled on the same weekend as THE DIVISIONAL PLAYOFFS? Seriously. Jeez. DivisionalPlayoffs1.gif

The Divisional Playoffs are not to be taken lightly. Therefore, I fully intend on making an extremely potent batch of chili this weekend to celebrate the glory that is Divisional Playoff Football. Double the jalapenos. Double the chipotle baby and double the mutherfucking cheese and dive in. Since I ate hot-dogs last weekend during The Patriots / Jets game and The Patriots won (in fergi-licious fashion), being the superstitious sort, I will fully be making some hot-dogs to go with that chili this weekend, because chili+hot-dogs+divisional playoffs=totally awesome.

Divisional Playoffs:

Saturday, Jan. 13

Indianapolis at Baltimore - 4:30 pm, CBS

Epic: Definition: Surpassing the usual or ordinary, particularly in scope or size.

There you have it my friends. The definition of this game. Epic. Indianapolis Colts vs. Baltimore Ravens. In case the hugeness of this match-up is lost on anyone out there, or if you did not realize or remember that The Colts once had a proud history in the city of Baltimore, before their owner had them secretly moved out of the city in the middle of the night back in 1984, an event that has not been forgotten in Baltimore, I’ll let my friend and fellow FTTW writer Kali break it down for you.

one of the most vivid memories of my childhood are at colts games, then of my mother telling some poor kid wearing an indianapolis colts t-shirt well before the deal was made that "them's fightin' words." (ahaha and if you knew my mom it would double you over in laughter.) i remember vividly the way those cowards stole away in the night. i can see stock footage of the mayflower moving trucks that they used. and then they kept the fucking name... OUR NAME. the colts belong in baltimore. and on saturday we'll play for johnny unitas and the colts' name. welcome home, give us your jerseys and you can leave wearing your tighty whiteys once we've taken back your dignity. fuckers.\

oh ernie i'm so glad they have to come here!! i think we can do this. "do it for johnny"

Awesome. Do you think Ravens fans want to win this game? Ah, yeah!

I’d say so.

I almost feel bad for Indy for the hate that’s gonna rain down on them on Saturday. Almost. Then there’s The Ravens Defense for them to contend with…

Philadelphia at New Orleans - 8:00 pm, FOX

This is going to be a great game. We all know about New Orleans coming back from the Katrina disaster and The Saints returning to the city after a year of exile in Houston, Texas. QB Drew Brees and rookie running back Reggie Bush have gotten this team into the divisional round and Saints fans are truly psyched. It’s a great story all around. NFC_Div.gif

On the other side of the ball, you have Philadelphia Eagles, who picked themselves up and brushed themselves off after Donovan McNabb went down earlier in the year and have gotten themselves one game away from a Conference Championship match. Who do you root for here?

Sunday, Jan. 14

Seattle at Chicago - 1:00 pm, FOX

Ok. Let’s be honest. Seattle should not even be in this game. Yes I was rooting against the Cowboys last week, so I’m not complaining, but if it were not for a botched hold during a field goal attempt, this is Dallas playing Chicago this week. But, that is the way it works in the NFL. That ball is shaped funny and it bounces in all kinds of crazy ways.

Chicago did not close out the season on a high note and played what was arguably their worst game of the year in their final regular season game vs. Green Bay. They’ve had a whole week to prepare and to get things right heading into this game. I expect this will be a close game. Seattle may not be that great, but I am sure they will take full advantage of the opportunity that was provided to them. Thanks Tony Romo!

New England at San Diego - 4:30 pm, CBSAFC_PO.gif

The New England Patriots vs. The San Diego Chargers. Where do I begin? Last week The Jets had me on the edge of my seat through 4 quarters of football. The Pats came away with the win and now they will face the #1 team in the NFL.

San Diego is stacked top to bottom on offense and defense. They’ve got the MVP of the league, LaDanian Tomlinson at running back, they’ve got a pro-bowl bound QB in Philip Rivers and a terror at defensive end / outside linebacker in Shawne Merriman. They’ve also got a coach, Marty Schottenheimer, with a whole closet full of post-season skeletons. The mark against Marty is that he has never been able to win the big game, even with teams in the past that arguably were just as stacked as San Diego is today.

For the Patriots on the other hand, the question they are hearing is: how do you stop the Chargers? The Pats are used to hearing that question. How do you stop The Rams? How do you stop The Steelers? How do you stop The Colts? The Pats have answered those questions and now they will step up and try to provide an answer to the latest question this Sunday. I have a feeling that Patriots coach Bill Belichick has some ideas on how to slow down LaDanian Tomlinson and how to confuse Philip Rivers. I have a feeling that Patriots QB Tom Brady might be prepared to handle the San Diego blitzing defense. Yes, the Pats are the underdog in this game but this is the playoffs, where the Pats have a 11-1 record with Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, along with a 7-1 record on the road this season. Think they will be ready for this game?

All right gang. Have a great weekend and enjoy the games! And lets hear your thoughts about the games in the comments!

Ernie sweats and sweats.

Archives

January 6, 2007

Wild Card Weekend

jets_logo.jpg

Ernie just wants to beat the Jets. Is that so wrong?

Archives

January 5, 2007

Incidental Punishment After The Ball Is Blown Dead

All right fooseball fans. Time to strap in because it’s time for PLAYOFF FOOTBALL. All or nothing sudden death. No five game series, no seven game series, FUCK. THAT. SHIT. It’s one game. You either win and move on, or you lose and go home and work on your golf game.

This weekend is ‘Wildcard Weekend’ in the NFL Playoffs. And it… is… just, WILD. WILD! I’m telling you it’s nutty koo-koo crasyz.

Ok I might have gotten a little overboard there. Let’s (me) try to calm down a little.

There are 4 games this weekend, two division winners vs. two wildcard teams in each conference. The two teams with the best record in each conference get a bye week. That is their reward for earning the two best records during the regular season. While the lower seeded teams are slugging it out this weekend, the number one and two teams in each conference can sit back, rest and watch the lower seeded teams beat the poo out of each other.

Here are this weekend’s match-ups:

Saturday, Jan. 6:

kansasleaven.jpgKansas City at Indianapolis: 4:30 pm, NBC:

This should be a good game. I’m sure most people are expecting the Colts to roll over the Chefs, but don’t be too sure. The Chefs had to fight their way into the playoffs and then hope for some help from other teams, Denver to be exact, who lost to San Fran in their final regular season game.

The Colts on the other hand, tailed off at the end of the season, though they won their last game vs. Miami. Frankly, I’m picking the Chiefs, and not just because I always pick against The Colts. The fact is, it’s the playoffs, and we all know, the playoffs for The Colts and Peyton Manning is equivalent to the clock striking midnight for Cinderella. Pumpkin time.

Dallas at Seattle: 8:00 pm, NBC:rg1-750-220_t.jpg

Dallas had a chance to win the NFC East and they blew it, losing to lowly Detroit in the last game of the season, but they still made the playoffs as a Wildcard team. They are heading into a tough place to play up in Seattle. That being said, even though Seattle is a division winner, I think Dallas is actually the better team. Seattle plays in one of the weakest divisions in the entire NFL, while Dallas has played tough games against two playoff teams in the Philadelphia Eagles and The NY Giants. Even though the two teams have the same record at 9-7, I give the edge to Dallas.

Personally, I’m rooting for Seattle in this one. I can’t root for a team that is coached by Bill Parcells and also has Terrell Owens on it. That would be like rooting for The Russians in the movie ‘RED DAWN’. It’s just not right.

Sunday, Jan. 7:

Prison1.jpgN.Y. Jets at New England: 1:00 pm, CBS:

Ok, I’m not going to even try to pretend to be un-biased for this one. If you’ve read this column even one time, you know that I’m a hard core Patriots fan, so I’m not expecting anyone to take what I say about this game too seriously.

It should be a very good game between these two divisional rivals and the idiots in the press have been playing up the whole Pats / Jets ‘border war’ aspect of the game all week. I will tell you that I think these two teams are pretty evenly matched. After splitting their regular season games, both the players and the coaches know each other very well, not to mention the fact that Jets head coach Eric Mangini is just one year removed from his position as The Patriots defensive coordinator. This will be a game where each coach knows each others moves before they make it. It should be interesting to watch the chess match play out and I will probably need to be peeled off of the ceiling by the time it’s over.

The key to this game in my mind will be turnovers. The team that plays a clean game and does not give the ball away will have the best chance at winning. Field position will also be a big factor in this game (as it is in every football game, duh). Coaches often talk about hidden yards. These are the yards that are lost or gained depending on where a team gets the ball to start an offensive series. Obviously a team wants to start with the best field position possible.

One thing that has pissed me off about this game: all the ridiculous talk that has gone on about Pats head coach Bill Belichick and Jets head coach Eric Mangini and the handshake that took place after the end of the last Pats / Jets game, in which the Jets won at Foxboro. When the two coaches met in the middle of the field after the game was over, their handshake was, shall we say, less than enthusiastic... I heard one reporter state, ‘Just shake hands and don’t make a big story out of it’. Jackass, YOU and your fellow fools in the press are the ones making a big deal out of it. Anything to sell papers… Stupid media.

N.Y. Giants at Philadelphia: 4:30 pm, FOXrikers2.jpg


This should be another good game that pits two division rivals against one another. The Giants squeaked into the playoffs as a wildcard team at 8-8. They don’t even have a winning record for crying out loud. (That bothers me.) Meanwhile The Eagles rallied behind backup QB Jeff Garcia after Donovan McNabb was lost for the season and have been playing well with Garcia leading the team. I’m picking Philly in this one.

Teams with Bye Weeks:

AFC: Baltimore Ravens, San Diego Chargers

NFC: Chicago Bears, New Orleans Saints

In other NFL related stuff, some coaches have already gotten the ax while others have left (or given up, depending on your viewpoint) for other teams. Dennis Green is out after doing a pretty pathetic job out in Arizona, which posted 3 losing seasons while under his control. The team went 5-11 this season, but with a brand new stadium and a top 10 draft pick as their QB, expectations are higher than that. Arizona has been a losing team for a long time. It would be nice to see them climb out of the basement.

The Atlanta Falcons fired coach Jim Mora after they missed the playoffs. The Falcons are most likely looking for a coach that can take better advantage of Mike Vick’s scrambling / running around for his life skills at QB.

The Dolphins now former head coach, Nick Saban, gave up, I mean, resigned after only two years at the position. He is heading back to the college ranks and will take over as the head coach of Alabama. It will be interesting to see who Miami chooses to replace Saban.

On a final note, I want to pass on my feelings about how sorry I was to learn that 24 year old Denver cornerback Darrent Williams had been shot and killed on New Years Eve. Williams by all accounts was a great person and he had been a great player for The Broncos this past season. He had a bright future with a lot of good things in front of him. All I can say about this tragedy is that it is a terrible shame and a senseless waste of a young life.

Ok, have a good weekend everybody and enjoy the games. I will be a raving maniac on Sunday so you might see some interesting comments by me in the gameday thread. Feel free to check in and witness the insanity that could ensue.

Ernie will be glad to show you his states prisons if you are ever there.

Archives

December 31, 2006

Last Week of NFL: Feel Free To Talk Shit

Happy New Year’s!! Enjoy the games today and have a great New Years Eve!

Feel free to chime in and let us know what’s going on with your favorite team or in the game you are watching! Talk to you next year! Ha.

Carolina at New Orleans - 1:00 pm

Cleveland at Houston - 1:00 pm Squidbilles.gif

Detroit at Dallas - 1:00 pm

Jacksonville at Kansas City - 1:00 pm

New England at Tennessee - 1:00 pm

Oakland at N.Y. Jets - 1:00 pm

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati - 1:00 pm

Seattle at Tampa Bay - 1:00 pm

St. Louis at Minnesota - 1:00 pm

Arizona at San Diego - 4:15 pm

Atlanta at Philadelphia - 4:15 pm

Buffalo at Baltimore - 4:15 pm

Miami at Indianapolis - 4:15 pm

San Francisco at Denver - 4:15 pm

Green Bay at Chicago - 8:15 pm

Ernies analysis on this weeks games are right back here

Archives

December 29, 2006

If This Is It

This is it. Last week of the NFL regular season, then it’s done. For a lot of teams, once this last game ends, it’s over till next year. For players it will be time to clean out their lockers, take a break and hit the golf course. For coaches and general managers, it will be time to evaluate their team and get ready for the draft. They’ll be doing everything they can to turn their programs around and make a run at the Superbowl next year. That’s what’s cool about the NFL. That kind of thing can happen. One year your team is 2-14. The next, they’re Superbowl Champs. nflernie243.jpg

For the teams that have secured a playoff spot, this last week could go a couple of ways. It could be used as a final tune-up to get ready for the season after the season, or for some teams, it could be used as a bye week; a time to let their key players get some rest, heal up physically and prepare mentally for the playoffs.

For the rest of the teams, the teams that still have a shot at making the playoffs, this week is their last chance. There is no tomorrow. For some teams, this week it’s real simple. Win and you’re in. For others, it’s win and hope for some combination of wins and losses from other teams can help you out and get you in by the skin of your teeth.

At the time of this writing, all four divisions in the AFC and 3 out of 4 of the divisions in the NFC have been clinched. The NFC East is still up for grabs between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Dallas Cowboys.
In the AFC wildcard race, The J-E-T-S, Cincinnati, Tennessee, Jacksonville, Denver and Kansas City are still alive heading into the final weekend.

On the NFC side, The NY Giants, Green Bay, Carolina, Atlanta and St. Louis all still have a shot at making the playoffs.

I gotta say, that is pretty damn cool. It’s the final week of the season and there are 11 teams that are still fighting for four playoff spots. That’s why the NFL rules. boyspanthers.jpg


Ok, let’s check out the games this week! There are a TON of different scenarios that can happen this week for teams to make the playoffs. Check out NFL.com’s playoff site for all the different things that can happen.

N.Y. Giants at Washington – It’s a Saturday night game. Bottom line in this one: NY needs to win to get into the playoffs, along with some magical combination of either a loss or strength of victory tie-breaker over Green Bay. Personally, I’d prefer to see The Packers make the playoffs, so I’m rooting against the Giants in this one.

Carolina at New Orleans – New Orleans is already in. Carolina is in a must win situation. They need to win and they also need Green Bay AND The Giants to lose. This is getting crazy and we’re only two games in…

Cleveland at Houston – Neither of these teams has a shot at the playoffs. Next.

Detroit at Dallas – Dallas clinches the NFC East Division with a win and a Philly loss. With the chance at winning the NFC East on the line, Dallas should be able to handle Detroit.

Jacksonville at Kansas City – Both of these teams have shot at making the playoffs. They need to win and have a bunch of teams lose for it to happen for either of them.

New England at Tennessee – New England clinched the AFC East last weekend. They still have a slim shot at moving into the third spot in the AFC. Tennessee can get in if they win and a whole bunch of other things happen. Dudes, I’m trying to make this as simple as I can. Check out the NFL’s site if you need the details.

Oakland at N.Y. Jets – The Jets get in with a win. Finally an easy one.

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati – Cincy gets in with a win and a Jets loss.

Seattle at Tampa Bay – Seattle has clinched the NFC West. They are in.

St. Louis at Minnesota – St. Louis still has a shot at the playoffs as long as the planets align and certain teams win and lose. It’s nuts and I’m tired. Forgive me.

Arizona at San Diego – San Diego is in. Way in. They can clinch home field advantage with a win.20775_franchise_logo0003.gif

Atlanta at Philadelphia – A Philly win gives them the NFC East. How about that? And you guys in Philly had no faith after Donovan went down… They are still in it. Atlanta still has a slim shot at getting in to. Yadda Yadda Yadda. See above statements…

Buffalo at Baltimore – Baltimore can clinch home field advantage with a win and a San Diego loss.

Miami at Indianapolis – Indy can clinch a first round bye with a win and a Baltimore loss.

San Francisco at Denver – Denver is in if they win.

Green Bay at Chicago – I would love to see Green Bay make the playoffs. I think that would be super cool for Brett Far-vre to finish it out (assuming this is his last year, it might not be) in the playoffs, fighting for another shot at The Superbowl. Unfortunately, Green Bay got a tough draw getting Chicago for the last week of the year. I think Green Bay can win this game but it could be tough. It will depend on how Chicago plays and if they decide to rest their players. If Chicago puts the second string out there, I’d say things look good for Green Bay.

Enjoy the games and have a great New Year’s everybody!

Ernie is just happy his teams already made it.

Archives

December 24, 2006

Sunday NFL Thread!

Christmas Eve with the Family? Sure! The Faster Than The World Family! Have some eggnog, root around under the tree and watch some football. Sounds good to me.

Join in the open Gameday thread and let us know what’s happening in the game you’re watching. Or let us know what kind of defense you are using to hold the kids at bay and keep them away from the presents that are stacked under the tree. Are you playing a 4-3 defense or a 3-4? caternie24.jpg

Santa is on his way. Who do you think he’s rooting for? It is my personal belief that Baby Jesus loves The New England Patriots, but that’s just me.

Baltimore at Pittsburgh - 1:00 PM

Carolina at Atlanta- 1:00 PM

Chicago at Detroit - 1:00 PM

Indianapolis at Houston - 1:00 PM

New England at Jacksonville - 1:00 PM

New Orleans at N.Y. Giants - 1:00 PM

Tampa Bay at Cleveland - 1:00 PM

Tennessee at Buffalo - 1:00 PM

Washington at St. Louis - 1:00 PM

Arizona at San Francisco – 4:05 PM

Cincinnati at Denver – 4:15 PM

San Diego at Seattle – 4:15 PM

December 23, 2006

Wildcards! Everywhere!

Much like the way that the Ghost of Christmas Present seemingly ages before our eyes in Dickens’ classic, A Christmas Carol, so does the NFL Regular Season seem to grow old and grizzled right before our eyes over the course of a few short weeks.

Wasn’t it just yesterday that the days were still long and warm, with just a hint of that crisp, cool Fall air? Those days are gone and we have entered into the last few iron cold weeks of December. There are only two more weeks of regular season football left before the playoffs start.

(I know, I know. It can be hard to take, but don’t worry. It will be ok… There’s still the playoffs and The Superbowl)

At this point, there are several teams that have clinched their divisions and have locked themselves into a playoff spot. truck_demolishpic1.jpg

In the AFC, Baltimore, Indianapolis and San Diego have all clinched their respective divisions. New England can clinch their division with one more win or one more loss by the NY Jets.

In the NFC, things are in a similar state, with New Orleans and Chicago having clinched their divisions. Seattle and Dallas can both clinch their divisions with a win.

That leaves the two remaining Wildcard games in each division up for grabs. In the AFC, there’s a logjam with 4 teams at 8-6 vying for 2 open spots. Things are a little less complicated in the NFC with Philly as the sole wildcard contender with a winning record (which, I have to say, is sad) and the NY Giants and Atlanta Falcons fighting for the final spot, both at 7-7.

Even with only two weeks left, there are still about a gazillion different playoff scenarios at this point. I’m not going to try and explain it all here, I’ll just keep things simple. Win and you’re in. If you really want to get all the different breakdowns on the various playoff situations that are still up in the air, check out the NFL’s site: http://www.nfl.com/news/story/9817776

Ok, lets check out this week’s games!

Minnesota at Green Bay – Two non-playoff teams but it still has the inklings of being an enjoyable game in this classic NFL rivalry. Should be a good one to watch if you happen to have the NFL Network, (which I don’t.) demo.jpg

Kansas City at Oakland – Kansas City still has a slim hope of getting into the playoffs, but it’s more like slim and none at this point. They’ll need to win against Oakland to keep their hopes alive. This is a Saturday game, on the N fucking F L Network. (Don’t mind me. I’m just annoyed because I don’t have the N fucking F L Network at my house.)

Baltimore at Pittsburgh – Baltimore has already won their division and is looking to move up into the number two spot if they can. Pittsburgh is going to do everything they can to play the spoiler as their reign as Superbowl champs draws to a close.

Carolina at Atlanta – Carolina is pretty much out of it at this point but Atlanta is still in the hunt and is tied for the last spot in the NFC. They will need a win here to keep themselves alive in the playoffs chase.

Chicago at Detroit - Chicago has already clinched not only their division, but also home-field advantage throughout the playoffs. Detroit is just hoping to get a win. Expect Chicago to pull the starters early in what is essentially a meaningless game for them.

pic2erniesdem.jpgIndianapolis at Houston – Indy is another team vying for the number two seed in the AFC. They can clinch the bye week with a win and a Baltimore loss. (Go Houston!)

New England at Jacksonville – At 10-5, The Pats have yet to clinch the AFC East. They need either one more win or a loss by The NY Jets to lock in. Jacksonville is fighting for a Wildcard spot with three other 8-6 teams. They are a dangerous team, though they are also an inconsistent team. With a playoff spot on the line, The Jags will give The Pats all they can handle, though the same could be said of New England who will be looking to build on last week’s 40-7 win over Houston and eliminate the Jets from the AFC East race once and for all this weekend. The Patriots do not want to allow the outcome of the division race to come down to the final game of the year.

New Orleans at N.Y. Giants – New Orleans has won their division and now is looking to keep their spot in the number two seed in the NFC. The Giants are fighting for their playoff lives and are clinging to the final wildcard spot in the NFC.

Tampa Bay at Cleveland - Two non-playoff contenders who are playing for pride at this point. This could still be a good game, even though there is nothing on the line for either team, except to try and finish the year on a good note.

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Tennessee at Buffalo – Ditto.

Washington at St. Louis - Ditto

Arizona at San Francisco – Ditto. Ok, technically San Fran is still alive, but all it will take is one more loss or a Seattle win and they are out of it. So let’s not kid ourselves huh?

Cincinnati at Denver – This should be a very good game with two 8-6 teams that are currently the 1 and 2 wildcard teams in the AFC. These final games are basically must win games for both of these teams if they want to keep their spots for the playoffs.

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My ROOSTER SAUCE CRAZY PICK OF THE WEEK!
San Diego at Seattle – San Diego can clinch a bye week with a win. Seattle can clinch their division with a win. Despite the fact that San Diego looks like the best team in the NFL right now, and the fact that they are playing an inferior NFC opponent, I still have a feeling Seattle gets the upset.

Philadelphia at Dallas – Dallas has clinched a playoff spot. A win for them clinches the NFC East. Philly is looking to hang onto that Wildcard spot and a win gets them in. With a lot on the line for both Philly and Dallas, this has the potential to be a good game. Note that the game is on Christmas Day. Maybe Santa will bring a late present for Philly fans.

N.Y. Jets at Miami - Another Christmas Day game, The J-E-T-S are in a must win situation here against a bitter divisional rival who would like nothing better than to ruin NY’s chances for a playoff spot. It’s a home game for The Fish who, after shellacking New England 21-0 two weeks ago, were embarrassed by the same score against Buffalo last week. They are going to be looking to bounce back from that embarrassing loss as well as try and finish the season on a good note with a .500 record at 8-8. I don’t think it bodes well for The Jets, but you never know what’s going to happen…

I’d like to wish everybody out there a great Holiday! Happy Festivus everyone!! A Festivus for the rest of us! And if you’re around on Sunday, stop by and join in the Gameday Open Thread and leave us some comments on what’s happening with your favorite team!

Ernie swears to his Rooster Sauce Picks

Archives

December 16, 2006

NFL Open Thread

For some of us, Gameday can be a lonely day. Sitting there alone, nobody to share your pretzels with, nobody to high-five but yourself after a big play, talking to yourself about how that guy was WIDE OPEN HOW COULD YOU MISS THAT?? And how that pass-interference penalty is TOTAL BULLSHIT!!

Well it doesn't have to be that way.

Come, join us in the comments and have a rollicking good time talking some football, football, football... Tell us who you're rooting for, tell us who you're rooting against. Tell us what you think about the game you are watching!

Don't be afraid if you don't know the difference between a tight-end and a tight... I don't know, something. There's a joke there somewhere I'm sure...

So join in and have some fun talking about the day's games, how hot the cheer-babes happen to be, or Tom Brady's dimpled chin. It’s a free-for-all and it's all good. Because it's Faster Than the World Football and Faster Than the World Football = fun.

Yes, thanks to the magic of the internest, you don’t have to be alone on Gameday anymore. We are here for you. Plus you never know who might join in! bird_prom.JPG

Sunday's games:

Cleveland at Baltimore: 1:00 p.m.

Detroit at Green Bay: 1:00 p.m.

Houston at New England: 1:00 p.m.

Jacksonville at Tennessee: 1:00 p.m.

Miami at Buffalo: 1:00 p.m.

N.Y. Jets at Minnesota: 1:00 p.m.

Pittsburgh at Carolina: 1:00 p.m.

Tampa Bay at Chicago: 1:00 p.m.

Washington at New Orleans: 1:00 p.m.

Denver at Arizona: 4:05 p.m.

Philadelphia at N.Y. Giants: 4:15 p.m.

St. Louis at Oakland: 4:15 p.m.

Kansas City at San Diego: 8:15 p.m.

December 15, 2006

Tailgating Rules

This is the time of year that I usually have the best chance of attending a Patriots game. See, I’m not connected, at all. And I don’t have a lot of ‘real-life’ friends. And the real life friends that I do have, don’t have tickets. Or connections.

When I try to get regular season tickets to Pats games at the beginning of the year, all I ever get is a busy signal on the phone or a ‘request timed out’ screen on the computer. So you see, as much as I love The Pats, I don’t get to a lot of actual games. I’m lucky if I get to go to a game every other year or so.

Unless it’s snowing out. Or raining. Or it’s a family type holiday. Those are the days that for some reason, people that have season tickets or some other connection that enables them to somehow get their hands on these magical Patriots tickets, decide they don’t really want to go to the game. And they know who to call. ME. Because I’ll fucking take them mutherfucker. Damn fucking straight. The only day that I will turn down a Pats game ticket is Christmas Day or if there is a hurricane headed to the area. Nosebleed.jpg

I have never seen a Patriots game in person during the months of September, October or November. It’s December and January football for this cat my friends. And I don’t have a problem with that. Not one bit. Because I’ve seen the games in the snow, just after blizzards have hit. I’ve sat in the rain. I’ve sat on the old Foxboro Stadium aluminum bleachers on New Years Day (cue U2) and I’ve had a blast every time. Because Football Rules. In case you forgot.

So seeing as how I don’t get to a lot of games, I kind of take my time at the stadium pretty seriously. Because this is football. And tailgating, like football, is not a matter to be taken lightly.

Here are my tailgating essentials:

Sausages. Must have both sweet and hot, FRESH green and red peppers, and onions. My Dad cooked the peppers and onions the night before a game once. Huge mistake. They were totally ruined. You can slice them up the night before, but you’ve got to cook them the day of the game in the pan with the sausages. Don’t fuck it up. chili125.jpg


Chili. An absolute must. Especially if it’s going to be a cold game. Unlike the sausages, Chili is best prepared the day before, allowed to sit around and allow the beans and other ingredients to soak in their own juice, and then heated up again at the game. One word: AWESOME.

Chips: Yeah. Whatever. I can give or take the chips. I prefer pretzels or some kind of nacho chip. My sister-in-law made some homemade guacamole for a game once and that was fantastic.

Last but not least, booze. I don’t like to get too liquored up at a game because I like to actually be able to watch, enjoy and remember the game. But seeing as how beers inside the stadium are up around 8 bucks a pop these days, I do like to get a good buzz going while tailgating. It helps me to be more obnoxious too. I usually have to restrain my obnoxious tendencies but when surrounded by my fellow Patriots fans, who embody the word obnoxious, I feel free to be my truly obnoxious self. Generally I bring some kind of cheap watery beer like Miller Lite to the game and some kind of hard liquor to go along with it. I like to make a Swedish concoction called ‘glug’ or ‘gloog’ and that is the best stuff to have because you warm it up in a pan before you drink it, then it warms you up. Just don’t drink too much of it. Because you could go blind. And keep it away from the flames because it’s highly flammable and you could explode. AWESOME. sportsunlimited_1924_752120629.jpg

Other essentials I like to bring to the game, depending on the weather, are ski-pants, goggles (if it might snow), a stadium blanket or a sleeping bag. Why a sleeping bag you may ask? Well you see, if it’s really cold or shitty outside, it can get kind of miserable sitting in your seat up in the nosebleed seats, which is where I always sit, if you’re cold or wet. Unless you have a sleeping bag with you. Then you are set. Just roll it out, get inside, sit, be warm, dry and enjoy. Warm, toasty and comfortable. My Dad taught me that trick.

Ok. If you’re going to any games this week, hope you have fun. This week will be the last Pats home game and my phone has not rung yet, so I’ll be watching at home. Oh well. There’s always the playoffs, I HOPE.

Onto the games, brought to you by ROOSTER SAUCE! That was kind of a long article so I’m going to try and whip through these. Lets go!!

San Francisco at Seattle – Seattle. 8-5, plays in one of the weakest divisions in the league. San Fran is out of it and has no chance of catching up to Seattle for the division.

Dallas at Atlanta – Atlanta is in the playoff hunt, trying to stay alive and get a wildcard spot. Dallas is leading the NFC East but the NY Giants are close on their heels. I’m taking Dallas. Don’t forget, this is a Saturday Night game my friends. This is when the NFL really starts going nuts and dicking us around with the schedules… grenbayidiot.gif

Cleveland at Baltimore – As much as I like Cleveland, due to the fact that Romeo Crennel is their coach and Willie McGinnist is on the team, they don’t stand a chance against Baltimore, who is looking to get into that #2 AFC seed.

Detroit at Green Bay – Ok. Don’t be mad at me, but, does anyone care? Green Bay.

Houston at New England – Holy shit did my team look bad last week. Horrid was the description I used. The Pats need to win this game against Houston, otherwise they could find themselves in a tight spot with only 2 games remaining after this one.

Jacksonville at Tennessee – Jacksonville is a playoff contender who knocked the ever-loving poo-poo out of Indy last week, which I loved. They should be able to handle Tennessee, but Tennessee has been playing extremely well the last few weeks, so a win for The Jags is not a given here.

Miami at Buffalo – There are no playoff implications in this game. It should still be a decent game based simply on the fact that it’s a divisional game, between a couple of heated rivals who are trying to make something out of their seasons.

N.Y. Jets at Minnesota – A must win game for The Jets who have zero margin for error at this point. They are playing a weaker NFC opponent so they have a good shot at this one, but one more loss and they are essentially out of the playoff race.

Pittsburgh at Carolina – Amazingly Carolina is still in it at 6-7 while Pittsburgh is totally out of the playoff race with the same record. That’s the AFC vs The NFC for you. Carolina will need to win against 6-7 Pittsburg to keep themselves in the Wildcard hunt. The Steelers are done and are playing for pride and the fact that they are still the Superbowl Champs until a new one is crowned in Feb. Taking a team out of playoff contention would suit The Steelers just fine. Football Pic.jpg

Tampa Bay at Chicago – Chicago should be able to take care of Tampa Bay at home. They have clinched their division and are basically just trying to keep that top spot in the NFC for the playoffs at this point.

Washington at New Orleans – New Orleans is looking to keep the #2 seed but there are quite a few teams right behind them hoping they will stumble here. I’m taking Washington in my crazy pick of the week.

Denver at Arizona – Denver. I don’t think much explanation is necessary. Arizona is just bad all around.

Philadelphia at N.Y. Giants – Philly and NY are both 7-6 and are holding the one and two Wildcard spots at the moment. Whoever wins will put themselves in a good spot. Atlanta fans will be watching this game closely because if their team wins, they can sneak a little closer to one of the wildcard spots.

St. Louis at Oakland – Two non-playoff teams. Yawn. This will probably be the one I get on my local affiliate on Sunday after The Pats game ends.

Kansas City at San Diego – Big divisional game between these two teams. San Diego is looking like an unstoppable juggernaught right now. K.C. is just outside of the playoffs but a win would be a big boost towards getting them in as a wildcard. It’s a divisional game too. All that being said, I think San Diego asserts itself here.

Cincinnati at Indianapolis – If you read this on a regular basis, you know the rule: always pick against Indy, who is looking mighty fallible right now after getting their butts whipped last weekend by Jacksonville. With some injuries on their ‘small but quick’ defense, teams are running all over Indianapolis. Cincy will not be that easy for Indy, as they look to maintain their Wildcard spot in the AFC.

Ok gang. Enjoy the games and have a great weekend. And if you have an extra Pats ticket, let me know!

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Ernie is still not on Rooster Sauces payroll either. We swear.

Archives

December 9, 2006

Beware The Spoilers

Beware the spoilers. If your team is trying to make a playoff run, poof.gifthese are the teams that are out to get you. They are the teams that have basically no shot at getting into the post season and they want to drag your favorite team down with them. It does not matter if your team happens to have the best record in the NFL and they are facing a team with the worst record in the NFL, you need to be wary of these teams just as much as if you were facing a legit playoff contender.

The spoiler team will rise up and bite you like a cornered beast, then the next thing you know, poof! It’s good-bye to that playoff bye week or even worse, good-bye to that playoff shot entirely.

Right now there are five teams in the AFC and four teams in the NFC fighting for the 2 Wildcard spots in each Conference. All of these teams have a chance to get in heading into the final four games of the year. All of these teams will be facing so called ‘weaker teams’ during this last month. All it takes is to let up on the gas, take a play or two off, and you’re done for, especially if you are playing one of those teams that is just on the playoff cusp, the ones that are just out of reach of making it into the NFL post season. These teams want to ruin it for you and show the league that they are not pushovers.

Every team wants to build and improve and if you can’t make the playoffs, why not do your best to take out somebody who can? Don’t say I didn’t warn you. I know first hand after watching my team, The Patriots, nearly blow it last week against the lowly Detroit Lions.

Last week proved to be very interesting. With The Colts and Ravens, two teams that looked to be sure fire locks for the one and two spots in the AFC, both losing, things have tightened up at the top of the AFC Conference. Indy and San Diego are both 10-2, Baltimore and New England are both 9-3 and there are two bye week spots still up for grabs. streetteam2.jpg

In the NFC, you have an even bigger logjam at the top with Chicago standing alone at 10-2 and three teams below them at 8-4.

It’s going to be interesting, and fun to watch over the next few weeks, to see how these playoff scenarios work out, both for the Conference leaders and the Wildcard teams..

Oh one other thing: ROOSTER SAUCE

Now onto the games:

Cleveland at Pittsburgh – Neither team has a shot at the playoffs right now, so both of them are basically playing for pride and the fact that they kind of hate each other’s guts. I’ll take Pittsburgh.

Atlanta at Tampa Bay – Atlanta is still fighting for a playoff spot but they have to go up against divisional rival Tampa Bay. Remember what I said about spoilers? Perfect example. Tampa Bay.

Baltimore at Kansas City - This is going to be a huge game. Huge. Baltimore is hurting after last week’s loss knocked them out of the #2 spot in the AFC. They are going into a very hostile environment against a team that is trying to claw it’s way into a Wildcard spot. Did I mention this game is huge? HUGE.

Indianapolis at Jacksonville – Indy has faltered lately, (which I love) and they are starting to look a little vulnerable. Fresh off a loss to divisional rival Tennessee, they’ve got another big game against another divisional rival, The Jacksonville Jaguars, who, you guessed it, just happen to be fighting for a playoff spot as a Wildcard team. I’m picking Jacksonville. Ok, I’d be picking them anyway, just because they happen to be playing Indy, who I always pick against, but I really think Jax has a legit shot to win this one.

Minnesota at Detroit – Do I have to talk about this one? Both teams are out of it and it’s getting late at night, so I’ll just say that Detroit is terrible, even if they did scare the bejesus out of me last week against The Pats, and I’ll take Minny.

New England at Miami – This is a big game. brady_tom250.jpgThat whole spoiler thing comes fully into play here. New England is facing one of its archrivals as well as a Divisional nemesis, The Miami Fish. Miami is 5-7 but they have been improving as the season moves on. They are coming off a tough loss to Jacksonville last week and they are playing at home. The Fish would LOVE to take a game from The Pats, who have the chance to clinch the AFC East if they can win this game and The Jets lose. The Pats almost let one get by them last week and they know what’s at stake in this one. They should be up for this game. It should be a good one to watch.

N.Y. Giants at Carolina - These two teams are both 6-6 and are locked in a battle for one of the NFC Wildcard spots. Giants coach Tom Coughlin might spontaneously combust on the sidelines if they lose this game.

Oakland at Cincinnati – Cincy is in it, Oakland is completely out of it. Oakland is so bad, I don’t think they even qualify as a spoiler at this point.

Philadelphia at Washington – Philly fans, take heart and check the standings, if the playoff started tomorrow, which they don’t, but if they did, you’d be in. Donovan McNabb is out for they year but backup Jeff Garcia does not suck. Washington is not that good. I have a good feeling about Philly in this one.

Tennessee at Houston – Two non-playoff teams. Tennessee. Next…

Green Bay at San Francisco – See above. Green Bay. Next.

Seattle at Arizona – If Seattle loses to Arizona, who like Oakland is so bad, I don’t know if they even qualify as a spoiler, I’ll… I’ll… I’ll be very surprised. How about that?

Buffalo at N.Y. Jets – This one has spoiler written all over it. The Jets are holding onto the last playoff spot in the AFC right now. The Bills are a decent team and they are a divisional rival. They are going to do their best to ruin it for The J-E-T-S. tail132.jpg

Denver at San Diego – Wow. Denver has really fallen and fallen hard. They are 7-5 but they are 3 games back in the Wildcard chase due to conference tiebreakers. The Broncos need a win here to keep their playoff hopes alive. They have zero margin for error. San Diego is holding onto the number two seed and they want to keep it. It’s a divisional game and both teams have a lot on the line. Adding flavor, much like ROOSTER SAUCE does, neither team likes each other very much. This one will be fun to watch.

New Orleans at Dallas – This should be a good game with both 8-4 teams jockeying for the bye week in the NFC.

Chicago at St. Louis – People are not giving Chicago a lot of respect it seems, even with their 10-2 record. They have had a few squeakers go their way against marginal teams. They need to win this game to keep from falling into the rest of the pack in the NFC and also prove they can dominate a team they ‘should’ be able to beat.

Ok. Is that it? I think that’s all the games. I don’t see any left on the list. Enjoy the games and have a great weekend everybody!

Ernie is not on Rooster Sauces payroll either. We swear.

Archives

December 1, 2006

It Gets Cold. It Can Snow. It Might Sleet Or Rain. It's Football.

Time for December Football. We’re hitting the stretch run of the season and over the next few weeks, it’s all about getting into the playoffs and then getting the best possible seed once you’re in. Teams that are on the wildcard bubble are going to be scratching and clawing for one of the two available spots in each conference. bruschi-miami-200x160-sm.jpg

This is the time of year where teams start to gear it up. You want to be playing your best football at this point and ratcheting it up every week as the playoffs get closer. This is also the time of the year when the weather starts to go down hill and that can give a decided advantage to the teams that are used to playing in lousy conditions. It gets cold. It can snow. It might sleet or rain. For any game, any week in December, it can be generally crappy out. Unless you play in a dome (pussies).

Teams like New England, Green Bay, Chicago, The New Yorks, Pittsburgh, Philly, Cleveland, Denver… these teams love it when they have a dome team or a Florida team on their home schedule this time of year.

If those Southern and Dome teams were smart, they’d mix in some ROOSTER SAUCE into their Gatorade when they’re playing in the Northern Climbs, because that shit will warm you right up. I put it in my Pho soup and I don’t even need to wear a jacket afterwards.

(It’s like a personal challenge for me to get some kind of Rooster Sauce mention in every week now. If Turtle gets a free bottle, I’m going to start mentioning Dodge Challengers next.)

On to the games:

Baltimore at Cincinnati – Baltimore wants to maintain their position at the 2 spot in the AFC. Cincy’s looking to get into the playoffs with the Wildcard. (I feel like I’ve been writing this phrase a lot lately.) Playoff hopes are on the line. What else is new? I’ll take Baltimore.

Arizona at St. Louis – I feel obligated to write something about this game. Something.

Atlanta at Washington – Mike Vick flipped off the home fans after last weekend’s loss. Smooth. I generally like Vick but that was an ass-hat move. It’s bad enough you’re team is losing, then you flip off the people that are paying $$$ to come and see you play? Fuck you Mike.

I guess it could be that Mike Vick was actually giving his fans The Supersuckers Salute and if it turns out that is the case, I take it all back. Otherwise, I’ll take Washington, just out of spite. 01-dp-brady-raiders.jpg

Detroit at New England – New England traded turnovers with Chicago last weekend and came out on top. They’re still looking to move up out of the 4th seed in the AFC. That means laying the smack to lowly teams like Detroit.

Indianapolis at Tennessee – Tennessee is knocking off good teams left and right. Let’s hope the trend continues, until week 17 that is. (I think you can figure out who they’re playing that week.) In the meantime, I’m taking the Titans, just because picking against The Colts is what I do.

Kansas City at Cleveland - Kansas City needs this win to keep the pace in the AFC West and hold onto an AFC Wildcard spot at the very least. Something is telling me there will be an upset here. Not sure what it is, but I’ll take The Browns. Is this my crazy pick of the week? You betcha!

Minnesota at Chicago – Chicago is back to the friendly confines of the inferior NFC, where they should be able to take care of Minnesota at home.

N.Y. Jets at Green Bay – Ok. I have a feeling one of FTTW’s editors / co-founders is having fits with this game. If you happen to be a J-E-T-S and a Packer fan, who do you root for? I would have to think your home team wins out in the ‘who to root for’ department. If not, I’m not sure what to think.

San Diego at Buffalo – Buffalo is a tough place to play in December. It’s cold, windy and can snow at the drop of a hat. Buffalo is a middle of the pack AFC team taking on one of the league’s elite. I don’t think all the snow in the world is going to prevent The Chargers from taking a win in this game.

San Francisco at New Orleans – I’ll take the Saints in this one. As you can see I am really interested in this game.

Houston at Oakland – A 3-8 team vs. a 2-9 team. Oakland just switched offensive coordinators. Better late than never I guess. I’ll take Oakland even though I still hate them. 2006-02-20-snow.jpg


Jacksonville at Miami – The Battle of Florida. Jacksonville is one of three 6-5 teams on the playoff bubble. They basically have no room for error at this point. They need to win if they want to have a shot at getting into the post-season. Miami has been playing better lately and they are at home.

Dallas at N.Y. Giants – Bill Parcells returns to N.J. in the hated Cowboy colors. That has got to drive Giants fans out of their minds nuts. Of course, N.Y. will make Dallas wear the unlucky ‘darks’, also known as The Cowboys’ ‘Blue Uniform’. Dallas is on a roll and with Philly out of the picture, it is basically a two team race in the NFC East. N.Y. needs this win to stay in it or Dallas will start to pull away. Did I mention that Dallas QB Tony Romo is reportedly banging Jessica Simpson? That son of a bitchin bastard! That’s almost as big a kick in the nuts as when I heard that Derek Jeter was defiling Jessica Beil. These millionaire athletes need to keep their mitts off of my fantasy ladies. Yes we’re mixing in a little gossip with the football here this week. I’ll take Dallas and their lucky QB. One more thing… Bill Parcells fired that idiot kicker Mike Vander-jackass earlier this week. Ha ha!

Tampa Bay at Pittsburgh - Does it make me a bad person if I say that I don’t care about this game? Sorry. I guess I’m just a dick.

Seattle at Denver – Denver should be able to handle Seattle at home. They are in a tailspin over the last few weeks after falling from 1st place to 3rd place in the AFC West over the course of one week. Cincy, The Jets and Jacksonville will all be hoping for Denver to falter here. I will be too, to be honest, but I still think Denver wins.

Carolina at Philadelphia – I’m going to take Carolina here. I really feel bad for Philly fans having lost Donovan McNabb for the season.

Ok that’s it. Have a great Friday and a great weekend everybody. Did you get your Christmas tree yet? Make sure get on it before the games start on Sunday.

toc_logo.gif When not watching football, Ernie enjoys Rooster Sauce and is always willing to accept free bottles from his fans. Gmail in pro.

Archives

November 24, 2006

It’s My Day Off Today So I’m Having Fun, Football Style

Hey. What’s this? More football?? Fuuuuckin a dude! Fuckin. A! It’s Friday and what the hell am I doing here on my day off? Shouldn’t I be out fighting the hordes, shoppin’ at the mall for Christmas presents or something like that?

Oh, yea, it’s my day off today so I’m having fun. Don’t tell anybody…

I’m still digesting multiple helpings of turkey dinner too. It’s official ‘Elastic Waistband Day’ around here. Hope you enjoyed the games yesterday and had a great holiday. The weekend’s just getting started and we’ve still got more exciting football games to look forward to. potstringlights.jpg

Before I go out into the goddamn cold to put up the lights on the house and get an overpriced tree and all that humbug-inducing stuff, I thought I’d get in a little football talk for you guys, since that’s my job here at Faster Than The World. (Well, that and helping to push the ROOSTER SAUCE! Also known as Hot Cock Sauce. Enjoy!)

I’m not making any game predictions this time. I’m just too stuffed from yesterday. Feel free to help out in the comments and let us know what you think about the games.

Arizona at Minnesota – Minnesota came out of the gates looking like they might have been a legit contender at the start of the season, but they have tailed off as the season has gone on. They should still finish off the year in better shape than last season, so that has got to give some hope to Vikes fans. Of course, they’ve got to beat teams like the lowly Arizona Cardinals first…

Carolina at Washington – Carolina is in a full-on fight for the NFC South division with New Orleans. They need to beat teams like 3-7 Washington to stay on top.

Cincinnati at Cleveland – Cincy might have won their division last season, but right now, Cincy is clinging for dear life to their playoff hopes. Cleveland is a 3-7 team that is fighting for respect. Romeo Crennel is trying to instill the winning attitude into The Browns and that means they’ll be looking to spoil The Bengals playoff hopes.

Houston at N.Y. Jets – The Jets will be looking to keep pace with The Patriots in the AFC East and taking care of business against a 3-7 team like Houston will be imperative. With New England facing the 9-1 Chicago Bears, The J-E-T-S have a good shot to pull back within one game of The Pats, provided they get the win against Houston first…

Jacksonville at Buffalo – Jacksonville is another playoff hopeful facing another team looking to play the spoiler role and end the season on a positive note.

New Orleans at Atlanta – A very important game with big playoff ramifications on the line for both teams. New Orleans is faltering a little and Atlanta will look to take advantage.

Pittsburgh at Baltimore – Baltimore is looking to keep a hold onto that second round seed and get the bye week for the playoffs. This is a divisional game against a team that is still the Superbowl Champion. The Steelers will put up a fight but I expect Baltimore to come out on top.

San Francisco at St. Louis – San Francisco is still alive for a playoff spot. This is another divisional game and St. Louis is pretty much out of it at this point. I’m sure they’ll do their best to drag San Francisco down with them. turkey100.gif

Oakland at San Diego – San Diego is en fuego right now after defeating the Broncos and taking over the top spot in the AFC West. Oakland is not a good team and San Diego will look to get on top early and then get their starters a little rest if possible.

Chicago at New England – This should be a very entertaining game. A lot of people are still on the fence with New England. The Pats have smacked around lesser teams this season, but are they capable of beating an upper echelon team like Chicago? Many people are still undecided and this game will provide the answer. The Pats have something to prove and are playing at home on the newly resurfaced artificial field at The Razor. There are playoff implications to this game as well with The Jets nipping at The Patriots heels for the division.

N.Y. Giants at Tennessee – The NFC East is now a race with The Giants tied with Dallas at the top of the division. Tennessee has a poor record but they have been knocking off some good teams, having just beaten The Eagles last week.

Philadelphia at Indianapolis – This was shaping up to be a great game until Philly QB Donovan McNabb screwed up his knee. Now he’s out for the remainder of the season. That is a shame. I was really sorry to see that happen to Donovan. Indianapolis was finally handed its first loss of the season last week. Thank you Dallas! That is a load off of my mind, knowing that the Colts will not go undefeated this year. Hopefully The Eagles will rally and hand Indy another loss. Peyton Manning can SUCK IT. Other than that I have no strong opinions about him…

Green Bay at Seattle – With San Francisco right behind them, Seattle needs to win this game to stay at the top of their division. Green Bay is looking to just stay respectable and bounce back from the drubbing they got at home last weekend at the hands of The Patriots.

Aiiight you guys. Have a nice weekend getting all Christmasy. Enjoy the games and your turkey sammitches. Don’t forget to throw some ROOSTER SAUCE on there to spice them up. It’s awesome!

I’m heading outside to put those fucking icicle lights up on my porch now, so have at it in the comments while I’m out there freezing my ass off.

Ernie is breaking FTTW law 321.12(a) by putting his Christmas lights up this early.

Archives

November 23, 2006

Traditions, My Ass. Let's See Who's Playing!

Hey what’s up Football Fans? Happy Thanksgiving! Hope everybody out there is having a nice holiday. Thanksgiving happens to be my favorite holiday of the season. No pressure. No presents. No lights. No cards. Just get together, spend some time with family and friends and have a nice dinner.

And there’s football. Lots of football.

This is the day of high school football rivalries. This is the day that a victory on the field earns you bragging rights over the opposition for the next year. This is the day where, if you’re lucky, maybe you get a little something after the school semi-formal dance later on tonight.

Just remember, you can get anything you want, at Alice’s Restaurant… thermos.jpg

For the record I was never very successful at high school semi-formal dance conquests. Horny as hell and shy as hell. Not a good combo for getting the chicks. Oh well. I was such a nice guy though... (Dammit!)

In Jr. High, I was in the school marching band and I played the trumpet. For weeks leading up to the big Turkey Day game, we’d practice marching and get drilled up and down the school basketball court by the school music director.

With the help of his bullhorn he’d scream about how so and so was supposed to go this way, and ‘you were supposed to turn this direction, not that direction dummy!’ and ‘Did you even practice this piece?’

At half-time of the game we’d go out and make our best attempt at all the various complex marching formations while playing marching versions of J. Geiles Band songs and ‘Louie, Louie’. Then we’d be back in the stands to goof around or play some songs to get the crowd excited.

When I started high-school I decided that I’d had enough of the marching band and that I’d rather just go to the games and hang out with my friends. The Thanksgiving high-school football game was always a lot of fun, though I never did watch much of the actual game. That was more of a time for my buddies and I to hang around, shoot the shit and of course, try to talk to girls.

One year my friend and I brought in some thermoses of hot chocolate that happened to also contain a pint of 100 proof Polar-Bar peppermint schnapps. I don’t remember much from that game, but afterwards I got home for turkey dinner with the family and was a very happy, babbling drunk, slurring my words as I told Grandma all about the game, lacing the description with some choice f-bombs here and there.

Fantabulous.

My Mom was horrified and my uncles just laughed. Mom was pissed but the world did not end, and now it gives them something to rag on me about every Thanksgiving for dinner conversation.

Got any good Turkey Day stories? Let us hear about them in the comments!

Coming up this afternoon we’ve got the traditional Thanksgiving NFL games. Believe it or not my Mom is actually under the impression that we are going to let the kids watch holiday shows in lieu of watching football today. HA HA HA HA! Can you believe that? Heh. My Mom… I love her. She can be so funny sometimes...

This year’s T-Day Games feature Miami at Detroit in the 12:30 game and Tampa Bay at Dallas at 4:30. Later on tonight, Thursday Night Football makes it debut with Denver at Kansas City. That’s right. For the remainder of the season there’s now a Thursday Night game. (This is how The NFL strong-arms cable companies into picking up the NFL Network.)

Looking at the games, Detroit is down this year, but they usually rise up and put something extra into the Thanksgiving Day Game. They are playing a Miami team that is not exactly setting the league on fire, so hopefully it will be an entertaining game as neither team should be over-matched. Neither of these teams has a shot at making the playoffs at this point and they’ve got nothing to play for except for pride and Thanksgiving Day bragging rights.aturkbal.gifPlus, there’s a chance that a win might provide some motivation for the chicks at the semi-formal dance later on that night.

Remember, you can get anything you want, at Alice’s Restaurant, and I’ll take Detroit to win.

In the Dallas / Tampa Bay game, we have a team that has something to play for in Dallas, who is fighting to grab the top spot in the NFC East away from The NY Giants. Things got a lot easier for Dallas after Philadelphia Eagles QB Donovan McNabb went down with a season ending injury on Sunday. Expect The Cowboys to show now mercy vs. the 3-7 Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I’ll take Dallas to win and get the chicks at the semi-formal later.

In case you have not figured it out yet, I’m picking all the home teams here on Turkey Day. That means I’ll be picking K.C. to upset Denver in the night game.

This is actually shaping up to be a very good game as the scrum in the AFC West continues and K.C. looks to move into second place in the toughest division in football. Denver is smarting after a very tough loss to another division rival last Sunday, as San Diego came from behind to beat them 35-27 and take the top spot in the division. If K.C. wins tonight, Denver will go from first place to third place in the AFC West over the course of a single week. Ouch.

Enjoy the games and have a great Thanksgiving my friends (and pass the gravy!)

November 19, 2006

NFL Week 11- Let's Look At The NFC

stan-lee.jpgHey what’s up Foosball Fanatics? Welcome to the new time slot for ‘The End Zone.This is the place on Faster Than the World where Football rules because, well, Football rules! Excelsior!! I feel like Stan Lee from Marvel Comics now.

Excelsior! What kind of fucked up made up word is Excelsior! anyway? I don’t know, but it’s fun say. Excelsior!

Ok enough nonsense. There’s no room for nonsense when it comes to Football because Football is fucking business. Serious.

On with the Football stuff. Last week we looked at the AFC picture at the mid-point of the season. This week let’s take a spin around the NFC, starting with:

The NFC East. This is probably the toughest division in the NFC and all the teams in this division hate each other’s guts. That just adds to the fun as far as I’m concerned. The NY Giants stand on top of the division at 6-3 but both Philly and Dallas are hanging tough (like Marky Mark’s old band) at 5-4. I think Philly has a decent shot at catching or potentially overtaking The Giants, but I have a feeling Dallas is going to fade as the season moves on. We’ll see. If you’ve read this column on Sundays at all, you know that usually my predictions turn out to be the exact opposite of what I thought was going to happen.

Moving right along, here we have the feisty group of teams that make up the division known as The NFC South. The Saints have returned from their exile in Texas. They are back playing in their home state this season and they are making their fans very happy. They are another team at 6-3 and leading their division, and like the NFC East, they are being chased for the division lead by two teams at 5-4, the Atlanta Falcons and the Carolina Panthers. Atlanta is a fun team to watch because Mike Vick is always pulling some insane play out of his ass and running all over the field, often times for his life. Therein lies the problem with Mike Vick. Carolina is a solid team and I think they probably have a better chance to wind up as the eventual second place team in this division.

The NFC North features a bunch of old school teams. When you think football, you think of these teams. Green Bay. Chicago. Minnesota. Detroit? Sure, Detroit. Why the fuck not? So what if Detroit is down right now. They’ll be back on top again someday. Teams rise, teams fall. That’s the NFL.pr-Toys-Aztech_NFL_Extreme_Athletes-Atlanta_Falcons_Mike_Vick_Action_Figure-resized200.jpg Ask the 49ers fans. As far as the division goes, Chicago is running away with it at 8-1. Minny and Green Bay are both floundering at 4-5. They are clinging to any playoff hopes for dear life right now. Can a 4-5 team make the playoffs? Sure! There’s still time to climb out of the basement, but it is running out quick. If they want a shot at a Wildcard spot in the playoffs, Green Bay and Minnesota will need to string some wins together (duh.)

The NFC West. Seattle leads the division at, you guessed it, 6-3. San Francisco and St. Louis are trailing behind, both at 4-5. San Francisco has the better divisional record at 1-1, compared to St. Louis at 1-3. I don’t really see either of these teams as legit playoff teams but there’s still a lot of football left to go and it seems like The Football Gods love to make me look bad around here, so don’t be surprised if San Francisco or St. Louis go on a tear now and storm into the playoffs. Arizona, (remember them?) poor Arizona. They’re 1-8 and fighting for the best draft pick again. I always root for Arizona. I’d like to see them get out of the cellar some day.


Ok let’s check out the games and see how many picks I can get wrong this week. This is the part of the post where I pull the teams that I think are going to be the winners out of my butt, and the Football Gods look at my picks, snicker and sprinkle magic victory dust on the teams I picked against. They play their games, I play mine.

Here we go!

Atlanta at Baltimore – Baltimore. The NFC teams really can’t hold a candle to the top AFC teams right now, and Baltimore is one of those top teams.

Buffalo at Houston – Buffalo. Houston. No. Buffalo. Arg…. BUFFALO. (Go ahead and win Houston.) For the record the pick is Buffalo.

Chicago at N.Y. Jets – Jets – Even though it would benefit my team to have NY lose, I’m picking The Jets to take Chicago down another notch.

Cincinnati at New Orleans – New Orleans – Cincy’s playoff hopes are hanging on by a string. The Saints are holding the scissors. (That was kind of a dumb statement. Look for it to appear on ESPN at some point.)

Minnesota at Miami – Miami – Miami beat Chicago, why not Minnesota too?

New England at Green Bay – After my team’s performance over the last few weeks, I’m going to just pray for mercy from the wise, powerful and sexy Football Gods.

Oakland at Kansas City – Kansas City. They are in the thick of a playoff race and can’t afford to drop a game to a team like Oakland. It’s a divisional match-up so it will not necessarily be an easy game. 450806179_m.jpg

Pittsburgh at Cleveland – Cleveland really hates Pittsburgh. I know this. Thus I am picking Cleveland.

St. Louis at Carolina – Carolina - Two teams that are clawing to stay in the playoff race. (Did I use that cliché yet? Sometimes I lose track you know.) St. Louis is pretty much out of it, but Carolina is one of 4 teams with 5-4 records looking to stay in the hunt.

Tennessee at Philadelphia – Tennessee – This is my crazy pick of the week, this week brought to you once again by our friends at ROOSTER SAUCE. Rooster Sauce! It’ll fix you right up!

Washington at Tampa Bay – Washington. I’m beginning to lose interest here… Thus my comments may start to get mercifully shorter.

Detroit at Arizona - Oh my god. Arizona is 1-8, Detroit is 2-7. That means for sure that Fox will be showing this game where I live on Sunday.

Seattle at San Francisco - Seattle - Seattle will be looking to stomp any last remaining playoff hopes The Niner’s may have. STOMP! Like T-Rex the Dinosaur!! What’s up T? (I’m a big fan of Dinosaur Comics).

Indianapolis at Dallas – Fucking Dallas. Please. For those who are a little behind, I’m picking against Indy every week. I don’t care if they’re playing the 1-8 Cardinals, I’m picking against them. So there.

San Diego at Denver – Oooooo. Now THIS will be a game to watch. Big, huge, gigantic divisional game… Top spot on the line... Two very good teams… I’m slightly aroused and picking the Chargers.

N.Y. Giants at Jacksonville – I’m picking the Jags. I’ve come to the conclusion that even the best teams in the NFC are generally inferior to most of the teams in the AFC.

Ok that’s it. Have a great weekend and enjoy the games you-all.

Ernie does his armchair quarterbacking from somewhere in Patriot Country

Archives

November 12, 2006

NFL Week 10 - Let's Look At The AFC

It’s Week 10. Let’s take a spin around the league and see where everybody stands, starting with probably the most competitive division in the NFL, the AFC West.

This division has two teams currently sitting at 6-2, Denver and San Diego and a third team, The Kansas City Chiefs, just behind them at 5-3. All three of these teams are going to be battling each other in a dogfight for the Division title over the course of the next few weeks. Any of these teams could potentially take the title, but Denver looks to be the best team of the three at the moment, and the standings reflect that. But, all it will take is a slip here or there by The Broncos and they’ll suddenly find themselves looking up in the standings at a new Division leader.

Sticking with the AFC, in the AFC North, you’ve got The Baltimore Ravens sitting at the top of the division with a 6-2 record as well. The Cincinnati Bengals, at 4-4, are clawing to keep pace with Baltimore but with the way The Ravens have played this year, it will be difficult for the struggling Bengals to overtake them in the Division standings.

In the AFC South, Indianapolis is undefeated at 8-0,puke_indianapolis.jpg sitting on top of the Division as well as the AFC Conference, thanks to their wins over New England and Denver. I think it is safe to say that at 5-3, The Jacksonville Jaguars are not going to catch Indy. Jacksonville will be one of the several teams, along with Kansas City, Cincy and the NY Jets, that are going to be locked in a battle to grab one of the two AFC Wildcard spots over the next few weeks.

In the AFC East, The New England Patriots are yet another team that is leading their Division with a 6-2 record. The Jets are 4-4 and are in the fight to stay alive for a Wildcard spot in the playoffs. A win this weekend for The Pats would pretty much assure them of winning the AFC East and would do some major damage to The Jets playoff hopes.

The AFC Playoff picture as it stands right now has Indy leading the playoff race at 8-0. It is generally assumed that Indy will get the top AFC playoff seed at this point, having defeated both Denver and New England.

Behind Indy are Division leaders Denver, Baltimore and New England, respectively, all with 6-2 records. These three teams will be vying for the second seed in the AFC and the bye week that comes with it during the playoffs.

The race for the two Wildcard spots has San Diego, Jacksonville and Kansas City all looking to grab one of those two spots. Cincy and The NY Jets both are still in the hunt, but with both teams at 4-4, it won’t take much to knock those teams out of the playoff race.

One of the catch phrases that the national pundits like to use is, ‘If the Playoffs started today…’ Well, thankfully we don’t have to worry about that. We’ve still got a long way to go before the playoffs, and anything can happen. drunk fan_0.jpg

Next week we’ll take a spin around the NFC. Right now, let’s do some picks for this week's games.

One of the great things about the NFL (or one of the more annoying, depending on your, ahem, ‘habits’) is that you can never really predict what’s going to happen from week to week.

Last week, all of my game picks were the opposite of what my brain was telling me should be the winner and frankly, I was shocked at how many of my opposite picks turned out to be right. I mean, Miami beating Chicago? Who picked that to happen?? Nobody, that’s who. Detroit beating Atlanta? Nobody picked that one, except maybe a few crazy Lions fans. It just goes to show you that the old cliché is right. On any given Sunday, any team can win.

Ok. This week I’m going back to the old fashioned way of picking games. I don’t know about you, but I am always interested to see how close I actually wind up with these. Feel free to tell me what you think is going to happen today in the comments.

Baltimore Ravens at Tennessee Titans – I’m going with Baltimore. Their defense is just too good for The Titans. It will be interesting to see Steve McNair back playing against his former team.

Buffalo at Indianapolis – Buffalo – Yeah, yeah, yeah. Feel free to let me have it about last week’s Colts / Pats game. I’m still picking against Indy every week. I don’t care.

Cleveland at Atlanta – Cleveland – I don’t think that Atlanta is all that, especially after losing to Detroit. It seems like all the upper level NFC teams are losing games to low to mid level AFC teams. I think Cleveland gets the upset.

Green Bay at Minnesota – Minny – Minnesota is reeling a little bit with two straight losses. I think they get back on track at home against a big division rival.

Houston at Jacksonville – Jax – Jacksonville is the better team and they are playing at home. They are in a fight for a playoff spot and can’t afford to lose a game to a team like Houston.

Kansas City at Miami - K.C. – Damon (Chandler Bing) Huard is coming back to Miami, where he was once a moderately successful starter before losing the job to Jay Fiedler and going to New England to hold Tom Brady’s clip-board and run the scout team. I always thought he should have been the starter in Miami. See, and look what happened. I was right. curtisjets.jpg

N.Y. Jets at New England - N.E. – New England is coming off of a killer loss to The Colts last week. They will be looking to bounce back and move one step closer to locking down the AFC East with a win over The Jets. Word out of NY is that Jets running back Curtis Martin may be done playing football due to his knee injury. I’ll tip my hat to him. If it really is over, Martin had a great career. I still have a #28 Curtis Martin Patriots jersey in my closet that I never wear, since he plays for The Enemy these days, but the respect is still there.

San Diego at Cincinnati - San Diego – San Diego is in the hunt for the AFC West and needs to keep pace with the rest of the powerhouse teams in that division if they want to have a shot at it. Cincy needs to win just to stay alive for a possible Wildcard spot. I think The Chargers will be too much for Cincy.

San Francisco at Detroit – Detroit – I don’t know. They beat Atlanta last weekend. Could go either way, but it’s at home, so I’ll take The Lions.

Washington at Philadelphia – Philly – Another divisional game in the rough and tumble NFC East. Philly needs to win if they want to keep the pace with The NY Giants and have any chance at getting back to the top of the division.

Denver at Oakland – Denver – I’m actually rooting for Oakland to win, but I don’t see how they do. Denver is one of the best teams in the NFL. Oakland is one of the worst.

Dallas at Arizona – Arizona – I think Arizona steals one from Dallas and sends them further on their way on a downward spiral. With the exception of Drew Bledsoe, who is a decent guy, the entire Dallas roster is made up of a bunch of jackasses, from the head coach, right down to the place-kicker. It’s like the Cowboys went out of their way to build the most dysfunctional team possible this year, and they succeeded.. Don’t be surprised if Parcells calls it quits, again, at the end of this season and leaves yet another team in a state of disaster.

New Orleans at Pittsburgh - N.O. – Can you say Superbowl hangover? Big time. The Steelers are at the bottom of their Division at 2-6. I know I say this a lot, but that’s the NFL. You can go from Champion to one of the worst teams in the league, and vice versa over the course of one season.

St. Louis at Seattle - St. Louis – St Louis is going to try and catch up with Seattle at the top of the NFC West. Seattle is going to try and get some breathing room and put some distance between them and St. Louis. This should be a good battle between these two division rivals.

Chicago at N.Y. Giants - NY Giants – Wow. I still can’t believe Chicago lost that game to Miami last week, but really Chicago had gotten lucky in several of their games, The Arizona game immediately comes to mind. The Giants are a solid team. I think they can handle Chicago at home.

Tampa Bay at Carolina – Carolina – The Panthers are trying to get above .500 and keep their playoff hopes alive. They’ll need to beat a weaker division rival to do it.

Have a great day watching the games everybody!

Ernie does his armchair quarterbacking from somewhere in Patriot Country

Archives

November 5, 2006

Riding the Week 9 Hype Machine

Howdy Football Fans and welcome to The NFL Week 9! We are officially halfway through the regular season. Holy guacamole!

Ok, unless you live under a rock, you know that the big game this week is The Patriots / Colts game on Sunday night. This game is receiving the maximum level of hype that the sports-world media can generate, so lets jump on the hype-machine and take a little ride shall we? Ride With Us.

In the first half of the season, teams worked to put themselves into a position to make a run for the playoffs. Now that the second half of the season has arrived, teams are going to start jockeying for the lead in the race in order to get themselves in the best position possible once the playoffs arrive.

Practically on cue, this Sunday night we’ve got the current number one and number two teams in the AFC going head to head with each other on National TV.

tombradysimpsons.jpgThe undefeated, 7-0, Indianapolis Colts will travel to Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, MA, (fondly referred to by members of Patriot Nation as ‘The Razor’) to face the 6-1 New England Patriots.

Once or twice a season, there is a regular season game that seems to take on epic, playoff like proportions and this is one of them.

The winner of this game will put themselves in the front of the pack of teams in the AFC racing to get into the playoffs. Of course, it’s only week 9, and there is a whole second half of football left to play in front of us, so regardless of who wins on Sunday night, both The Colts and The Patriots will need to keep up the pace in order to grab those coveted number 1 and number 2 seeds once the playoffs start.

The storylines surrounding this game are numerous.

You have media darling and everyone at ESPN’s favorite quarterback, Peyton Manning, returning to the location that has been his personal House of Horrors over the years, Gillette Stadium. Manning is 1-7 in Foxboro, with his sole win coming last season against an injury depleted Patriots defense.

This time around, several of the Patriots players that missed last year’s game, players such as Rodney Harrison and Richard Seymour, will be on the field and looking to prevent Manning from improving his record in Foxboro to 2-7.

You have former Patriots place-kicker and regional hero and regional hero, Adam Vinatieri, returning to New England for the first time wearing a hated enemy’s uniform.

One of the more ridiculous story lines in the media this week has been the question, ‘what do Patriots fans do when Vinatieri trots onto the field at Gillette wearing a Colts uniform?’

The fact that this is even a story shows to me how out of touch with reality some people in the press are, but I’ll break it down quick for you anyway:

When Adam runs out onto the field at The Razor for player introductions, he does not get booed. He gets a cheer, a loud appreciative cheer.

When Adam trots out onto the field at Gillette to attempt a field goal kick for The Colts, he is fair game and Pats fans will let him have it.

On the other side of the show, you have The Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. Up until just last week, all the talk out of the press this season has been about all the players that The Patriots have lost to free agency. This receiver is gone, that receiver is gone. Tom Brady may not be saying it out loud but his ‘body language’ is telling everyone in the press loud and clear that he’s upset. I have always thought those guys might be hearing things, but that is just me.

Then last week, Brady goes out and dismantles the up and coming Minnesota Vikings in one of the best displays of passing prowess this season, and all of a sudden he’s been getting such an incredible ball-washing by the main stream press, he hasn’t had to shower for a week.

As far as the game goes, personally, I think the match-ups in this game favor New England, but I am so admittedly biased towards The Pats, I don’t know if anyone is going to take me seriously if I talk about them. But fuck it. I’ll do it anyway.

Offensively, The Pats have the edge. They have a great running attack in rookie Laurence Maroney and veteran Corey Dillon, plus third-down specialist Kevin Faulk and bruising fullback Heath Evans. The Colts are terrible against the run this year. If the Pats get their running game going, they can control the tempo of the game. If that happens, it’s going to be hard for Manning to get out on the field and do a lot of damage.

Defensively, I still give the edge to The Pats. The Colts are not a good running team and The Pats defensive line should be able to stifle the Colts running attack. That makes the Colts a one-dimensional team. Manning will have to count on his passing game. Granted, this is his strength and is the bread and butter of the Colts offense, but he will be facing a Belichick defense that excels in attacking a team’s strengths and forcing them to do things they don’t want to do. And there is one more thing. Patriots Safety Rodney Harrison is back on the field this year and he tends to take these match-ups personally. Harrison will be laying out the hits on a receiving corps that does not like to play a physical game.

Temps for the game are predicted to be in the 20’s. Even with the A/C on, that’s very un-dome-like.

Ok. Enough Pats / Colts talk. There’s more than one football game this weekend, so lets move on to everyone’s favorite part of the show, THE GAME PICKS!

Right. Last week I pulled the game winners right out of my ass and I think I did pretty well. I was right for most of the games, except where I was wrong, but a lot of the games where I was off turned out to be very close, so I don’t feel too bad about those. That’s the NFL.

spongebobpicks.jpgThis week I’m going to use yet another new method to pick the games. I call it ‘The Spongebob Game Picks’! See. Here’s the deal. My kids have this Spongebob story where he goes on a game show and for every question, whatever Spongebob’s mind tells him to answer, he says the opposite and of course, wins the game! So that’s what I’m going to do, because even though I’ve never actually watched the show, I get the impression that Spongebob and I think alike.

This should be interesting. Ok here we go!

Atlanta at Detroit – Brain says Atlanta, thus I must do the opposite and pick Detroit. That’s right Detroit. What was I thinking trying this method to pick games?

Cincinnati at Baltimore – Brain wants to pick Cincy, thus I am picking Baltimore.

Dallas at Washington – Brain wants Washington, so I am going with Dallas.

Green Bay at Buffalo – Normally I would pick Buffalo but since I am doing the opposite, I will go with Green Bay.

Houston at N.Y. Giants – Believe it or not, the opposite thing for me here is to pick The Giants.

Kansas City at St. Louis – Opposite pick is St. Louis.

Miami at Chicago – Opposite pick is Miami. I will be amazed if half of these turn out right, especially this one.

New Orleans at Tampa Bay – My brain actually wants Tampa in this one, so I’m going with New Orleans. No, I’m not cheating!

Tennessee at Jacksonville – Opposite pick is Tennessee.

Minnesota at San Francisco – Opposite pick is San Fran.

Cleveland at San Diego – Ok it’s getting late. It’s now 11:11 PM. Jinx! Opposite pick is Cleveland.

Denver at Pittsburgh – Opposite pick is Pittsburgh. I’d rather see them win this game anyway.

Indianapolis at New England – Pass.

Oakland at Seattle – Opposite pick, believe it or not, is Seattle. I’ve lost all respect for the NFC teams all of a sudden. I don’t think any of them are that scary, even undefeated Chicago.

Enjoy the games everybody!

Ernie lives in New England (obvious?) and is a big fan of Krabby Patties.

Archives

October 28, 2006

NFL Week 8 - Interview Time

Ernie steps out in front of a Faster Than the World backdrop and stands behind the podium. (We are always looking for sponsors for the backdrop, just so you know)

Ernie the FTTW Football Guy: Well, we all know what happened last week, but last week is last week. It’s behind us. You move on. This week is a new week and a new opportunity. You can’t move forward when you’re looking backwards and all that shit. So let’s just get this over with.. First question…

Fictional Main Stream Sports Media interviewer: So, how would you rate your performance last week? Most of your game picks were totally off. I mean, most of them could not have been more wrong.. What do you say to that?'90-92 patriots.jpg

Ernie the FTTW Football Guy: Well, I have to tell you, I had a really bad week last week. The preparation was not there and it really showed on Sunday. I totally fucking sucked, really. My gut feeling for almost every game was just dead wrong. I don’t know what it was. I think maybe it had to do with the bland turkey sandwich that I ate for lunch that day. In hindsight I think maybe I should have put some salsa* on it or something.

Fictional MSSM interviewer: That’s a bit of an uncharacteristic response from you, not taking the blame for what happened and throwing your lunch under the bus like that.

Ernie the FTTW Football Guy: Yeah. Well. Thanks for making me feel like Peyton Manning after a playoff loss. Hey, nobody’s perfect right? I think that was obvious by my picks last week. Hopefully nobody is taking them and you know, doing something illegal with them. Gambling is illegal here at Bushwood you know. If you did happen to, you know… my bad, but then again, what were you thinking using my picks, you tool?

Fictional MSSM interviewer
: Have you been drinking?

Ernie the FTTW Football Guy: What? Me? Never. Next question please.

Fictional MSSM interviewer: How are you feeling this week?

Ernie the FTTW Football Guy: "I think I'm probable. Day-to-day."**

Fictional MSSM interviewer: Any final thoughts before we head into this week's picks?

Ernie the FTTW Football Guy: I just need to go out there and concentrate on my own game, follow the game plan and execute. It’s all about the execution. I think last week, I tried to do something new with those ‘From the Gut’ picks and it kind of backfired on me. This week I just need to get back to doing what works. And that means putting my throwing glove on and pulling my game-day picks totally out of my ass. So that is what I’m going to do. I’m literally going to pull them right out of my ass. Well maybe not ‘literally’ because that would be gross, heh..

So, this was kind of fun. What time do you want to do this next week?

Fictional Main Stream Sports Media interviewer: Ah, we’ll get back to you. Thanks…

*Salsa will totally fix any bland sandwich. Just spread a little on there with a knife like you would do with mayo. Awesome.

** Quote from Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick, when asked by a reporter about the Patriots’ latest rash of injuries. Wiseass…

This week’s “Totally Out of My ASS’ picks:

Arizona at Green Bay – Jeez. Who am I supposed to pick here? Does Arizona get up off the mat after last weeks humiliating 22-9 loss and come back with a win? Against Green Bay at home in October? Ah no. Green Bay.

Atlanta at Cincinnat
i – Another one that’s tough to pick. With a very difficult schedule ahead of them, Cincy’s getting into that ‘we need to win this game NOW’ mode. Atlanta won a tough one last week against The Steelers. Letdown time for Atlanta? I thinksomaybe. Cincy.

Baltimore at New Orleans
– This is going to be a good game. That means my local FOX affiliate will assuredly be showing the Arizona / Green Bay game. I’m going to take New Orleans here.

Houston at Tennessee – Phht. When in doubt, flip a quarter. Where’s a quarter? Fuck. Here’s a guitar pick. The side with ‘Fender’ printed on it is ‘heads.’ Head’s Houston, tail’s, Tennessee. It’s tails.

Jacksonville at Philadelphia – Jacksonville is going to beat Philly at home. I don’t know why I think this. I’m pulling these out of my ass remember?

Seattle at Kansas City – K.C. is going to the 3rd string for their quarterback now that Damon Huard, a.k.a. Chandler Bing, is hurt. Kansas City is a tough place to win, but I gotta think Seattle fully takes advantage here. If they don’t get the win, then obviously the Football Gods are just fucking with me to make me look bad in front of all you fine Fooseball Fans. They are like that you know.

San Francisco at Chicago – Chicago will be 7-0 come Monday. No need to discuss.sunday1.jpg

Tampa Bay at N.Y. Giants
– Hmmm. I almost picked Tampa and then I realized they were playing away in New York at the end of October. That means it might be chilly outside and we all know what happens to Tampa when it gets chilly out. That means The Giants get the win.

St. Louis at San Diego – Interesting game. Tough pick. Both teams are 4-2. I’m going with San Diego. Yup. I am.

Indianapolis at Denver – Denver. I told you last week, I’m picking against Indy the rest of the way, and that’s not changing. Besides, I think Denver really will win this one. This is another one of those rare occasions when you will see me actually root for Denver. I’m hoping to see a lot of the infamous ‘Peyton Manning Face’ during this game, kind of like a preview of it before the Colts come to New England next week. Manning faces Denver safety John Lynch one week, then Pats safety Rodney Harrison the next. Heh he heh.. Cut that meat you little bitch!

N.Y. Jets at Cleveland – J-E-T-S. Everyone in Cleveland will be pissed. Again.

Pittsburgh at Oakland – Pittsburgh should have their way with Oakland in this game and based on the way many of their fans dress, they probably will not mind.

Dallas at Carolina – Poor Drew. He’s been benched. I think it’s a ploy by Dallas Coach Bill Parcells to light a fire under Bledsoe. He hates riding the bench more than anything. Remember when he was replaced by Tom Brady in New England (thank you) and then traded to Buffalo the following season? Bledsoe had something to prove that year and he was en-fuego in Buffalo. Being benched in Dallas? Same thing. Parcells is a dick but he knows how to manipulate his players. As far as the game goes, I’ll take Carolina. Watching The Cowboys this year has been like watching a circus. In a way, it’s sad and cruel, but it’s also very entertaining.

New England at Minnesota
– This is going to be a tough game for my Patriots. When I first saw this game on the schedule during the summer, I put a ‘W’ next to this one for The Pats, but Minnesota has really come out and turned things around this year. (Note to The Football Gods: Notice the total admiration and respect that I am giving to my team’s opponent. Thank you Football Gods. You are wise and powerful.)

A lot of people see this as a season defining game for both of these teams and I think it will be. My prediction? I predict I’ll be acting like a whack-job maniac on Monday Night as my Wife tells me, ‘I’ve had enough of this nonsense. I’m going to bed’. Now that’s one you can bet on.

Ernie is available for interviews. For a reasonable cost.

Archives

October 22, 2006

Week 7: Surprise Surprise

Here we are at Week 7 and we are almost at the mid-point of the season.

Every year in the NFL there are always surprises. Teams that nobody expected to go anywhere look great and teams that people expected to rule the league have done nothing but fall flat. football.jpg

Last week's games featured several surprises, but the biggest one for me was the scare that Arizona put into the still undefeated Chicago Bears, who hung on for a 24-23 win after Arizona's potential game winning field goal sailed left. Arizona blew a 20 point half-time lead in the loss. Ouch.

Surprise teams this year?

On the positive side, I don't think anybody expected much out of New Orleans Saints but this team has gone out and put on some impressive displays so far this year. The Saints have always been kind of a middle of the pack team and after everything that happened with Hurricane Katrina, it is nice to see them doing well.

They have some impressive wins this year against teams such as Atlanta, Carolina and Philadelphia.

Next week New Orleans will play another team that looked good out of the gate, but has fallen off a bit the last few weeks, The Baltimore Ravens. The Ravens had looked downright scary to start the season, with shutouts against Tampa Bay and Oakland. They hung on for a win against a rebuilding Cleveland and defeated one of the better teams in the league San Diego as well.

The last two weeks have brought The Ravens down to earth a little with back to back losses to both Denver and Carolina, but this is still a good team and this Ravens / Saints matchup is shaping up to be a good one.

Another team that has been impressive so far this season is The Chicago Bears. They were projected to be a good team this year but I don't think anybody expected them to come out of the gates and go 6-0. Looking ahead at Chicago's schedule, they have a chance to really go on a tear in the 2nd half of the season.

They have a bye week this week and then will play a fairly easy second half schedule featuring games against teams such as San Francisco (2-4), Miami (1-5), Tampa Bay (1-4) and Detroit (1-5). There are a few potentially tough games in there against The New England Patriots and The St. Louis Rams, and a few games that could go either way against the NY Giants and the Minnesota Vikings, but I don't see any games in Chicago's 2nd half schedule that screams 'loss', even against my beloved Pats. 534575~Close-up-of-Old-Football-Equipment-Posters.jpg

Hey I may be biased, but don't tell me I'm not honest.

On the negative side, I know I've kind of harped on them this year, but what happened to Miami? I thought they were going to the Superbowl this year? I'm not really ragging on Miami as much as I am ragging on the NFL 'experts' that make all those pre-season predictions every year.

The Superbowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers are suffering from a bit of a Superbowl hangover, which is not really surprising to me, but I think a lot of people expected them to be doing better than they are at this point. Pittsburgh has some tough teams on their schedule in the 2nd half, featuring teams such as Atlanta, Denver, New Orleans, Baltimore (twice) and Cincy. Things won't get that much easier for the Steelers...

Ok, lets check out the games this week! Here are my 'From the Gut' picks of the week. That's my new name for this part of the post every week, because my gut is always right, well, most of the time that is.

Philly at Tampa Bay - Philly. I don't want anybody to think I have it out for Tampa Bay, just because I think they are going to lose against The Eagles this week. Hey I didn't make the schedule and they are playing Philly. What do you want from me?

Jacksonville at Houston - Jacksonville should be able to get a win against a so-called 'weaker' team in the Houston Texans. Of course, the 'Any Given Sunday' rule always applies, but Jax should be able to handle Houston. I am probably totally jinxing Jacksonville right now...

Pittsburgh at Atlanta - I'm taking Pittsburgh in this one. The Steelers defense should be able to stop Atlanta.

New England at Buffalo - Once again, everybody expects a win for The Pats. Nobody ever seems to remember that these two teams always play each other tough. I think The Pats will win this one but the final score could come down to the kicking game. Buffalo is not exactly an easy place to kick... especially for a rookie kicker like the Pats' Stephen Gostkowski.

Carolina at Cincinnati - Carolina. Remember that show WKRP In Cincinnati? I always liked the brunette chick in that show. She seemed to get hotter and hotter as the seasons progressed. And of course you had Loni Anderson in her prime. To steal Kali's line, Rawr! Oh, football. Yeah. Carolina wins this one. After a tough start they are moving their way back into playoff contention.

Green Bay at Miami - Miami gets on the board for win number two against the flailing Packers.

Detroit at NY J-E-T-S - Detroit will probably get another win at some point this season, but not against the Jets. I bet The NFL wishes they could pull that flexible scheduling thing for the Thanksgiving game later this year.EX_Smithers_Jan_23C0JEKH.jpg

San Diego at Kansas City - San Diego. The Chefs could give The Chargers a run for their money in this game but San Diego is the better team right now and should prevail.

Denver at Cleveland - Denver. I have a feeling The Browns will make a game of this, but Denver will come out on top after a tough game. Or The Broncos will destroy the Browns and piss everyone in Cleveland off. How’s that for a prediction? It will either be a blowout or a close game. I feel like a weatherman.

Minnesota at Seattle - Seattle. Minnesota is on the upswing at 3-2 but I think Seattle will be too much for them.

Arizona at Oakland - Arizona had that game won last week against the still undefeated Chicago Bears and they blew it. Arizona Head Coach Dennis Green then went out and fired his offensive coordinator. Hmm. I don't think it's anybody on the offense's job to block Chicago linebacker Brian Urlacher... Just sayin'. This week Arizona takes it out on 0-5 (phht!) Oakland.

Washington at Indy - Washington in an upset. I am going to just say this here and now. I'm picking against Indy every week for the rest of the way.

NY Giants at Dallas - Oooo. Now here are two teams that really don't like one another. I remember when Parcells was coaching the Pats and he was all upset about having to play a game against the Giants one year. That was 1995-96, the year he totally fucked us in the Superbowl because he was too busy lining things up with his next team, the J-E-T-S, another team that he eventually left in the lurch.

I wonder if it still bothers ol' Dwayne, playing against the team he led to a couple of Superbowl Championships. And I can't help but wonder what do Giants fans think when they see him wearing The Cowboys Star on the sidelines? Bill Parcells: spreading the seeds of hate throughout the NFL.

Well those are my 'From the Gut' picks this week. Feel free to tell me how wrong I am in the comments. If I don't hear from you, I'll just assume you think I am right.

Enjoy the games today gang!

Ernie writes daily about football and other stuff at Mr. B and W. You should check it out.

Archives

October 14, 2006

Let’s Tailgate!

Hey what's goin' on Foosball Fanz? Hope your weekend is going good so far and you’re not hung-over or anything like that this morning. Welcome to The NFL, Week 6!

This is the time of year when the weather is absolutely perfect for football. The air is cool and crisp, but not too cold. There's no need for the cold weather gear yet. A sweatshirt sporting your team's logo will do you just fine. The sun is starting to go down noticeably earlier, but the days are still bright and sunny and the skies are a vibrant blue. Group_Seems_to_be_Growing.JPG
Around my neck of the woods, up here in New England, the Fall leaves have reached their peak colors and the great outdoors are all dressed up in bright reds, oranges and yellows.

This is primo tail-gating weather my friends, so get that grill fired up and crack open a cold Octoberfest Ale. Mmmmm. Yeah. What time does the game start? Not too soon I hope, because we've got some pre-game festivities to enjoy.

Let me tell you, I love tailgating. Fucking love it. I feel all excited right now just thinking about it. Tailgating is one of the best things about football. If I can't get to a game, sometimes I'll have a tailgate at home. I'll fire up the grill in the back yard, throw on some sausages, peppers and onions, break out some salsa and guacamole and kick back from some pre-game.

When you're tailgating, all the rules are set aside. Eat what you want, smoke a stogie, have a few beers. Psych yourself up and talk about the game. How you think the teams are going to perform today? How's our defense look? Brag about how good your team's offense is and rag on your opponent’s quarterback. It's all in good fun.

Then when the game starts, ahhh. There's nothing like sweet, soothing football on a Sunday afternoon. I love to get the game on, turn down the TV volume and tune in my radio to the completely and unashamedly biased home team announcers who are calling the game. Then the game gets underway and the adrenaline is flowing and you are into it.

Of course, watching the game is not always sweet or soothing. Sometimes it's a heart rending, chest tightening, pull your hair out experience too.

When my team is having a bad game and I'm pacing around the room, yelling, clutching my lucky totems and generally acting like a maniac, my Wife will say to me, 'I don't get it. You are wreck right now. How is this fun?'

Well you know what, there are times when football is NOT always fun, especially if you are like me and are somewhat (ok completely) fanatical about your team, but sometimes you gotta go through some pain to get that greater reward, ya know? There's nothing like the feeling of a win the week after your team has suffered a heart-breaking loss. It's like, redemption. And that's what Sunday is for, I think…

Ok. Here endeth the sermon. Let's go look at the games!


Games:
Seattle at St Louis - St Louis has sneakily gone out and built themselves a 4-1 record. What? When did that happen? Even so, I'll take Seattle on the road. This is going to be an important divisional game between these two teams.

Philly at New Orleans - This is a tough choice, but I think Philly is on a roll and will be too much for The Saints to handle. Could go either way. Brain says Philly. Gut says Saints at home. Go with the Saints.

Cincy at Tampa Bay - Ooohh. 0-5? Believe it Bucs fans. Sorry. I honestly hate to see other football fans suffer, most of the time that is, unless you root for Denver, Oakland, Pittsburgh, Indianapolis or Miami. I'd like to see The Bucs get a win, but I don't see it happening against Cincinnati.

Tennessee at Washington - Tennessee finally notches a win this week. My gut says so.c3_1_sbl.JPG

Carolina at Baltimore - Baltimore. I am officially on the Baltimore pain train. Even though they lost last week to Denver, they are still looking like one of the best teams in the league right now.

NY Giants at Atlanta - Atlanta. These teams are pretty evenly matched so I'll go with the home team.

Houston at Dallas - Dallas is going to be fired up to get a win after being yelled at all week by Bill Parcells. Last week’s loss to Philly was a tough pill to swallow for Dallas.

Buffalo at Detroit - Buffalo. I feel bad for Detroit fans. I don't see a lot of wins in their future this year.

Kansas City at Pittsburgh - Kansas City. Pittsburgh is on a downward spiral and K.C. Quarterback Chandler Bing, a.k.a. Damon Huard, has stepped up and is playing great for K.C. (I always thought he looked like Chandler Bing from the show 'Friends' in a football helmet. Don't tell me you don't see it...)

San Diego at San Fran - San Diego. No need to discuss.

Miami at NY J-E-T-S - The J-E-T-S are going to keep their playoff hopes alive while the Fish start looking forward to next year's draft. I see Miami's current state as punishment from the Football Gods to all of those NFL 'Experts' that said they'd be in the Superbowl this year. Yeah, I know it's not Miami's fault that a bunch of talking heads in the media hyped them up before the season. Who ever said The Football Gods were fair?

Oakland at Denver - For me, this is one of those games where the two teams you hate the most out of all the teams in the league happen to be playing each other. Who do you root against? That's the hard question here. As far as the game goes, this one won't even be a contest. Denver.

Chicago at Arizona - Chicago. Come on.

Enjoy week 6! And have some CHILI!

Ernie writes daily about football and other stuff at Mr. B and W. You should check it out.

Archives

October 8, 2006

Always Have A Backup

theendzone.jpg

What week is it? Week 5? Hmmm. Let's see, the Pats are 3-1, that adds up to 4, and there's a game on Sunday, which is today, and that makes 5. Cool. Welcome to Week 5!

Wow. The season is 1/4 over. It goes by fast doesn't it? Too fast.

If you're a regular reader of this here web site, you know there's been a few posts over the past week about sports and the rivalries that exist between teams, but this post is going to be different.

Let's not talk about the teams you dislike (me: Oakland, Denver), let's talk about your backup teams.

A backup team is a team that you root for on the side. These are the teams that you look for as the scores scroll by on the bottom of the TV screen,exn20041115-jj-football.jpg hoping to see a win next to their names. These are the teams that, if your team suffers a loss, you can at least feel a little better knowing that your backup team got a win. If your favorite and your backup both lose, well that just blows. Move on to backup number two if you've got one.

So which football teams are your backup teams? Here are some of mine:

San Diego Chargers - Why do I like these guys? Well, this is going to sound so lame, but, I like their uniforms. I think that lightning bolt on their helmets is cool looking. And they've got some good players too, ok? LaDanian Tomlinson is great running back who, as long as he's not slicing through my team's defense, is exciting to watch.

Cleveland Browns - These guys are a fairly new backup team for me. I mainly root for The Browns because I like their head coach, former Pats defesive coordinator, Romeo Crennel. I want to see him do well as a head coach and if the Browns are doing well, Romeo's doing well.

Chicago Bears - I spent a lot of years hating these guys after 1985/86 (Superbowl XX. Look it up.) but over the past few years, I've been able to let go of my hate. The Bears have had some down years and now are a team on the rise again. I would not mind seeing them back in the big game (vs. The Patriots so we can exact our revenge, but still...) Chicago is one of the old school teams and even though they built a brand new stadium, they still play outside, in the cold, not in some wussy dome. I like that. Football is meant to be played outdoors.

Minnesota Vikings - These guys are actually my Dad's backup team, so they kind of default to being one of my backup teams as well. They were a powerhouse a few years ago and have fallen on a bit of hard times the last few seasons, but it looks like they are starting to turn it around a little this year. And they have cool uniforms. All purple with the Viking Horns on the helmet. Neat.

So now that you know a few of my back up teams, go ahead and tell us who your backup teams are in the comments, or if you want to, feel free to buck the system and tell us which teams you hate. Or post some pics of your favorite cheer-babe. That would be perfectly acceptable as well. Whatever. Just go nuts and have fun.

Now, as far as this weeks schedule, I've gotta be honest, there's not a lot of match-ups that are jumping out at me this week but here are the ones that look good to me:

Detroit at Minnesota - Detroit is just awful right now. I'll take The Vikes.

Miami at New England - Squish the Fish.

Tampa Bay at New Orleans - 0-4 is gonna suck for The Bucs.tv.jpg

Washington at NY Giants - I'll take The 'Skins and Tony Stewart's boss, Joe Gibbs.

Cleveland Rocks at Carolina - Tossup. Carolina.

Buffalo at Chicago - Chicago wins in a battle at Soldier Field (like how I did that shit?)

St.Louis at Green Bay - I'll take The Pack. Far-vre is at his best playing at home.

Tennessee at Indy - It's all about putting up the stats during the regular season for Indy, who will win again (rolls eyes).

Oakland at San Fran - Since Randy Moss says that nobody on The Raiders cares about winning anymore, I'll say, 'Good!' and take The 'Niners.

NY J-E-T-S at Jacksonville - Hmm. Tough game. I'll take the Jags.

Kansas City at Arizona - Gotta take The Chefs. K.C. does not look that great this year but great googily-moogily, Arizona is awful.

Dallas at Philly - I'm taking Philly in this one. Terrell Owen's return to Philadelphia as a Cowboy should be 'interesting.'

Pittsburgh at San Diego - I'll take the Chargers. Pittsburgh is getting everybody's best game and then some this year and they don't seem to be handling it too well.

Baltimore at Denver - Now this will be a good game. I'll take Baltimore and I'll be hoping they lay the ever-loving smack down on Denver in front of their home fans. Not that I'm vindictive or anything. Ok, yes I am.

Enjoy Week 5!

Ernie writes daily about football and other stuff at Mr. B and W. You should check it out.

October 1, 2006

NFL Week 4: Crazy, but that's how it goes

Rituals. Superstitions. You know you've got 'em. Every football fan has 'em. Every football fan has some kind of weird thing that they do that they are certain can help their team to win. Whether you want to admit it or not, if you're a football fan, you have a crazy belief that whatever that particular thing is, it will help to bring your team a victory. So you might as well just admit it.football2.jpg

It might be a small thing, like maybe wearing an old ball-cap with your team's logo on it, because every time you do, good things seem to happen on the field. Or maybe it's an all-consuming, borderline unhealthy, ocd-like obsession that drives you to follow an insane set of rules that you are convinced will have an effect on you team's ability to win.

You are the 12th Man. You are the fan. And call me crazy, but get enough fans thinking together and acting together on the same wavelength, and we can have an effect on games, whether you're wearing your ball cap, or making your entire family, except for your Wife, who refuses to go along with this nonsense, wear a team jersey on game
day...

So, what are your game-day rituals and superstitions?

sock1.jpgHere are a few of mine, and just so you know, they are not made up just to make you laugh. These are all real and I believe in all of them, crazy as it may be, I believe in all of them.

Now, before I even begin to write these, I will tell you that my rational side is reminding me that none of this matters and it's all a bunch of BS. But, my Pats fan side (the crazy side) is reminding my rational side that The Pats did not score a touchdown in last weeks
game until after I got out the Lucky Patriots Beer Mug, so how do you explain that Mister Smarty-Pants?

See what you're in for? Here we go.

- The sock factor: I truly believe that my Patriots socks are a very important factor in the outcome of every Pats game. They have the Patriots logo on the side and in case you are wondering, they are very cool looking and also quite comfy. My Wife likes to try and throw them out because they get a lot of wear, and thus the bottoms tend to become a bit see-through after a while.

'I'm throwing these ratty things out. I can see the bottom of your foot right through them!' she scolds.

'Don't you dare. Not 'till the seasons over and not unless you've got a replacement pair lined up and ready to go.'

I have 5 pairs of Patriots socks, and I make sure that I wear each one of them in the days leading up to the games. That means that they all need to be washed by Wednesday, at the latest, much to my Wife's chagrin. 'Your damn socks have nothing to do with the Patriots game,' she tells me with disdain.

Wrong.

- Lucky Patriots Beer Mug Factor: The Lucky Patriots Beer Mug must have a beer present and accounted for, ready to consume by the start of the game. I have found that the luck in this object generally seems to work best if there is minimum of one beer consumed from the Mug per quarter during the game. More than one beer per
quarter is ok, but no less than one per quarter. This can require a certain amount of pacing at times.

Interestingly, I have found that the placement of the mug in the room can also be very important from game to game.

For example, two weeks ago, my team was playing the Jets. For the majority of the game, I had the Lucky Beer Mug up on the fireplace mantle in my living-room as The Pats built up a sizable lead in the game. Then at half-time, I took the mug down and put it on an end table next to the couch.

Big mistake.

The Jets started to make a come back and nearly managed to erase a 24 point Patriots lead in the game. Thankfully, I realized that the Lucky Patriots Mug was out of position and put it back up on the mantle.

Almost immediately, The Patriots defense started to play better and the team hung on for the win. Whew. Caught that one just in time.
HSPR.jpg
A few other factors that I have noticed can affect the outcome of the game:

The Nap Factor: I've noticed the team seems to do better if my wife takes a nap during the game, so I encourage her to relax and read a magazine when the game is on. Maybe put her feet up. Get comfortable. Maybe get under this nice warm Patriots Fleece Blanket...

Unfortunately, the Nap Factor has been negated quite a bit of late. As my Wife rolls her eyes and remarks, 'How am I supposed to take a nap with all this nonsense going on. The kids are screaming, you're screaming... You're all jumping up and down and running around the house like maniacs, yelling touchdown or defense some other thing... and you expect me to sleep?'

Personally I don't see what the problem is.

Left side of the couch vs. the right side of the couch: My couch definitely has a lucky, and an unlucky side. The luck is on the left hand side so I make sure to always sit on the left hand side.

Well those are just a few of my issues, er, I mean rituals. Beliefs...

Whatever!

Hey, I would not believe in these things if I had not witnessed their effects with my own two eyes. All I know is, sit on one side of the couch, bad things happen. Move over to the other side, all of a sudden The Pats are scoring TD's. Some things you just don't fuck around with.

You know you do it too, so don't make fun.

Now, let's check out some games:

Indy at NY J-E-T-S - I'll actually be rooting for The Jets in this game, which is a rare event, but I think Indy will win this one, unfortunately.

On a side note, can somebody explain to me why every single ad during a game seems to feature Peyton Manning? What has he done, huh? Please, tell me what he has done to have garnered such non-stop attention. It can't be his impressive 3-6 post-season record, so what is it? He practically had a trip to the Superbowl handed to him last year and he still blew it... Phht. Whatever. Rant over.

peyton-manning.jpgNew Orleans at Carolina - New Orleans is one of the nice surprises in the league so far, sitting at 3-0. How about that? I like it. I always like the underdog teams to do well, so I'll take The Saints.

San Diego at Baltimore - This is a good matchup. San Diego has a very good offense, Baltimore has a very good defense. Hmmm. I'll take The Chargers.

Minnesota at Buffalo - These two teams were projected to do nothing this year, but they have both come out and beaten some teams that were expected to be Superbowl contenders. Buffalo is 1-2 but they gave The Pats and The Jets all they could handle in their games. The Vikes are a dome team playing outdoors in Buffalo. I'll take The Bills.

Dallas at Tennessee - This game is only interesting because everyone wants to see what happens next in the train wreck that is The Terrell Owens saga. I'll take Dallas.

Cleveland at Oakland - Both of these teams are winless. Normally I would not be that interested in 2 winless teams, except that The Browns are one of my backup teams and they happen to be playing Oakland, who I always root against, no matter what. Cleveland rocks.

New England at Cincy - New England is coming off of a bitter loss to Denver and this week will face another very difficult opponent in the Cincinnati Bengals. Coming into this game, New England still has an impressive streak going. They have gone 52 games without losing back-to-back games. You know who I'll be rooting for... Next...

Seattle at Chicago - This should be an exciting game between two, high-powered, 3-0 teams. I like Chicago but I'm going to take Seattle in this one.

Green Bay at Philly - It's The Pack vs. The Eagles on Monday night. This game could go either way. It would be fun to see Brett Far-vre put on a show and get into a passing shootout with Donovan McNabb, but it's hard to pick against The Eagles at home over the struggling Packers. Sorry Far-vre fans.

Enjoy the games today everybody!

Ernie writes daily about football and other stuff at Mr. B and W. You should check it out.

September 24, 2006

NFL Week 3: Remain calm. All is well.

Ok fooseball fanz, welcome to what we refer to on the NFL schedule as, Week 3!

At this point, your team is either 2-0, 1-1 or (gulp!) 0-2. What does all that mean? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! So relax. (Don't do it. When you want to go to it. Oops. Sorry. Went to the 80's there for a sec.)

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September 17, 2006

The Church of Football: Some Kinda Hate

Most hard-core football fans believe in the presence of a higher power, an omniscient, un-earthly force that watches over the game, it's players and it's fans.fbg1.jpg

I am talking of course about the magnificent and all-powerful, Football Gods. At times they can be benevolent, other times, they can be cruel. They can make you jump for joy or they can lay the smack down on you and watch you squirm. They are wise, they are mighty, and chicks dig them in their old-school throwback football jerseys.

[The Football Gods like to be buttered up, but they don't like a kiss-ass.]

And with that, I bring you this weeks NFL post here at The End Zone.

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September 10, 2006

Fooseball is the Devil



Hey football fanz. Welcome to The End Zone! This is the NFL section of Faster Than the World.

In this little corner of the website, the Fall air is crisp and cool, the beers are iced down and the grill is fired up. The scent of charcoal is on the wind and the sausages, peppers and onions are simmering and sizzling. If you look around, there is probably some kind hard liquor floating around here somewhere. Thats right. It's time to tail-gate because it's Sunday. And that means Football! Here, have some chili.


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September 7, 2006

TGIF (Thank God It's Football Season)

ernie.jpg

Lets face it, football rules.

Yeah, baseball is great. Hockey? Yup, love it. Basketball, eh, I'll watch it, sometimes... Depends how the Celts are doing. But football? I just can't get enough of the fooseball, even if it is The Devil.

If it were not for my wife giving me the, 'don't even think about watching another game', evil eye as soon as The Patriots game ends every Sunday afternoon, I'd watch football all day.

In her defense, there's a lot of nonsense that goes on around here when The Pats are on: yelling, screaming, running around the house, occasional writhing on the floor in agony, and that's not even including what the kids are doing during the game...

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August 27, 2006

Rollins Band Review
by: Mr B and W

Goddamn, there are few things finer than being psyched for a show and having it kick ass... I've been to way too many shows, but there have only been a few that solidly rocked my ass.... MrBandW knows exactly where I'm coming from...
a side note... I just wanted to say a big "Thanks" to Turtle and Michele for letting me take care of the house while they were away. I really enjoy writing for FTTW and am grateful they continue to give me the chance to do so. Thanks guys....
-finn

Before this epic begins, I'd like to just say congratulations again to Michele and Turtle. Hope you guys had a good week!!

ROLLINS BAND

I drove to The T (more commonly known as 'a subway') station just outside of Boston and made my way up the ramp, past all the dejected Red Sox fans on their way out of the city, fresh from the latest loss to the NY Yankees. I was heading in, they were heading out. I stopped at the change machine to get the $3.00 fare and found that all of the machines were out of order, most likely out of money from the throngs that had passed through earlier in the day on their way to see the Red Sox / Yankees game.

Unsure what to do, I walked over to a bench near the train boarding area, sat down and waited. I had the money for the train, just not the exact change. I figured one way or another, things would work out. Eventually a man in a T uniform walked by. I told him how I had tried to get correct change but the machines were not working, showing him my $5.00 bill for emphasis.

'Don't worry about it, my train is the next one out, I'll let you on'

Nice. Things were working out already.

fenway-t.jpgI had dreaded taking the T into the city simply because of the duration of time it took to get through all the stops, but the traffic was light at this time of day, around 5:30 PM, and most of the people were coming out of the city not going in.

I arrived at the Fenway T stop a little past 6:30 PM and made my way a few blocks down the street towards Lansdowne Street, which happens to be located directly across the street from Fenway Park and is the address of The Avalon, the place where I would be seeing The Riverboat Gamblers, Rollins Band and X later that night. I could see the brick facade and the dimmed lights of Fenway reaching up into the sky ahead.

The main reason for my little solo outing into the City of Boston tonight was to see Rollins Band.

Continue reading "Rollins Band Review
by: Mr B and W" »

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