June 29, 2007

No Place Like Home

In a steaming rush of smoke and soot, the FTTW Trainwreck of Thought comes barreling back from vacation. White knuckled, we hang on for dear life because, hey, who knows where the hell this thing is headed? Certainly not us, the humble passengers of this monstrosity.

This week everyone is talking about their hometowns: why it sucks, why it rocks, why they still insist on calling it 'home'. It's not just where you went to high school, it's not just where you kicked around on that vacant lot and got tetanus that one time, it's not just that place where your parents hang out (except for Ernie), it's The FTTW Home Town Trainwreck!


Dave in Texas - Farmers' Branch, Texas
Where I grew up we had a very nice municipal jail.

First rate. Really.


Timmer - Boise, Idaho
potatoes.jpgBoise Idaho. Not Iowa. And it's pronounced Boycee. There's no "Z" in Boise. Actually, if you want the proper French pronunciation it would be Bwah, but no one here much remembers the French much less wants to call it Bwah. I mean really, Bwah? Sounds like you're blowing a kiss with peanut butter in your mouth.

Le Bois is French for The Trees. Back before it was settled, the folks who first explored this area looked down into the valley and pointed toward the river and said, "Le Bois." The trees. Since there were no other trees anywhere near here at the time...other than in the mountains to the North, it was kind of a big deal.

Boise is a nice, relatively small town. People like the small town feel. Lots of people have moved here from Southern California over the past 15 year because they wanted to get away from L.A. and the huge city feel. Then they went and built strip malls and everything they missed about L.A. and sort of mucked it up. You really don't want to keep your California license plates much longer than you have to here. It might get your ass kicked in the wrong places.

Boise is famous for its potatoes. We like that. People think Boise and they think potatoes. They don't think about shopping, or art, or culture or small shops that sell cool stuff, or good coffee shops, or river rafting or camping close buy or small towns in the mountains close by. They just think potatoes and mostly write us off. This is a good thing.

Now...if we can just get the Californians to get tired of what they've done to the place and make them move a bit further East, say to Wyoming, then it would be even better.


Courtney Rau - The 'Wood, Massachusetts.
My town, the one I'm from and still live in, is FREAK MECCA OF THE UNIVERSE, due to the high percentage of townies, and group homes for developmentally delayed adults. Who all live in a strange sort of harmony.
Oh, and the Lewis Burger.

You know you want it...


Mr. Knowsomeofit - Oakland, California
I live in Oakland. Do I really need to say more? I mostly like it because white people are afraid of it.

Here's one of the reasons I love Oakland: ------>
Sausal%20Creek.jpg

I took that picture less than a half a mile from my house, in the middle of a city that has a reputation for being a blighted urban nightmare. I love my town for its secret, hidden beauty.


Deb - Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Home to... Ummm- a festival called "The Sound of Music Festival" AND it has nothing to do with the musical! It's actually North America's biggest FREE Music Festival.

No one who lives in Burlington actually goes.

There are also two malls and at least 200,000 residents who commute to Toronto every day for work.

Slogan?!? "We're not Hamilton or Toronto!"


Jo - Rutland, Vermont
I was born and came back to a wonderful little town called Rutland, Vermont. If you grew up and never left Rutland – it’s the place everyone wants to escape from because you run out of things to do living here. If you've moved away and come back, like I have, Rutland is the best place to live. It’s beautiful scenery (God's country) all year 'round. The people are generally nice and friendly. Always willing to help if you ask.

There is always something going on to attract tourists, from the Rutland Farmer's Market in the downtown park every Saturday and Tuesday to the free concerts in the Uptown park every Sunday and Wednesday. To me, Rutland is one of the few places in the world that one can look at and, within a month, say "I love this place. Its amazingly beautiful and I never want to leave."


Jim Sells - Cleveland Tennessee
Cleveland, Tennessee, the home of the Church of God(Cleveland) and the Church of God of Prophecy, which was formed by one of the founding fathers of the Church of God after he was impeached from the church. Both have gone on to grow into large denominations with members worldwide.

It also was featured in a "60 Minutes" segment in the Seventies that referred to it as the "Odometer Rollback Capital of the World". A cousin of mine was involved in that and went to Brushy Mountain State Prison (home of James Earl Ray) for a stretch. He was released and pressured to talk by the IRS which threatened to seize virtually all he owned. He was killed in broad daylight next to one of the busiest roads in Polk County, Tennessee, shot in the head multiple times with a hunting rifle. End of story.

Where I come from is growing into a metro area but it is fucking weird, no matter how large it becomes.


Ernie - Webster, Massachusetts
I grew up in the fabulous town of Webster MA, also known as the place where they still think mullets are in style, also known as the place I go only to visit my parents.

Webster is famous for its lake which has a very, very long name, supposedly the longest place name in the US. Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg. (Ed. Note: Yes, that lake name is spelled correctly. We checked.)

Wow that's exciting.

lakeinwebster.jpgWebster is also famous for, at one time, having more bars and liquor stores per capita than any other town in Massachusetts. They also have an abundant number of pizza shops and gas stations as well as two Dunkins and a bowling alley, though it should be noted that most towns
in Mass have at least two Dunkins at the minimum.

At one time Webster used to have a mini-golf but they tore it down and made it into a parking lot because everybody knows that parking lots are way more fun than mini-golf. Plus, it gave the bored townie cops something to do (continually kicking kids out of the parking lot).
Loitering / skate-boarding / bmx-ing / sitting in your car listening to the radio - only trouble can come from these insidious activities...

When asked about the dearth of recreational outlets for kids in Webster, one town official was famously quoted as saying, 'There's lots of things for kids to do in Webster. They can go bowling or go out of town.'

Awesome.


Johnny St. Clair - Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
my city is the only one my family has known since they got off the boats
my city doesn't have as much pollution as it used to
my city has the best weed spots
my city has the most number of non-ironic mustaches per capita in the fucking world
my city has career prostitutes
my city has prime catfishing
my city has the friendly neighborhood transvestite who pushes a shopping cart around the block
my city has hills - alot of them
my city has the Ice Cream Man who still sells his shit out of the back of a pickup truck
my city has Dirty Larry and he'll buy the socks you're wearing for $20
my city has its own brew made from local river water
my city has its own cornball lingo
my city will kick your ass, steal your best girl, and eat the last muffin
my city got it for cheap
my city is fucking sweaty right now

I ain't got no plans to leave. Just ask my P.O.


Turtle - Sacramento, California
I guess really the town I did spend most of my time in was Sacramento, CA. Sacramento was cool. It's the kind of town that everyone ended up in. People from all over Californina, for some god knows reason, ended up in Sacramento when they:

A) Wanted to quit drugs

B) Wanted to start doing new drugs

It was like the musical detox of Northern California. When you are in a band and you either quit or got thrown out for doing too many drugs, you came to Sacramento. So you had all these AA's filled with people from bands you knew who "just didn't want to talk about what happened."

We also had all these dive bars with dollar drafts and cheap methamphetamine which really didn't help the situation much.lil%20joes.jpg

We also had "Lil Joe's".

You had some balls if you ate there. If the food didn't kill you, a stray bullet from the crips fighting over drug turf would.


Michele - East Meadow, Long Island, New York
I call it Hotel California. People never leave here. It's like there's a force shield around the town. My kids go to school with the kids of my childhood friends. Everyone lives two blocks from their parents. People TRY to leave, but keep coming back.

It's a nice place. Good schools, nice lawns, low crime.

What are we famous for? Hmmm.

Part of the movie the Hot Rock was filmed here. You might not remember that stellar Paul Newman movie about a diamond heist.

We do boast a serial killer, Joel Rifkin - the man who made putting hookers in your trunk famous.

We are also the hometown of Criss Angel, that magician I want to drop kick. When he was younger, he lived a few houses down from my ex brother in law. He used to come over and entertain our kids with magic tricks.

That's about it. We're a town of strip malls. There are THREE Dunkin Donuts in East Meadow. THREE! We also have the county jail here. Located directly across the street from the high school. There's some suburban planning gone wrong for you.


Josh - Heath, Ohio
I grew up in Heath, Ohio. There is absolutely nothing of note about my town. Couple of failed NFL players, buncha meth, and my high school is on a road that used to be called Lover's Lane.

However, the county that Heath is in can claim John Holmes as an alumnus. Which county is that, you ask? You won't even believe me, but it's ... Licking County. Hand to God.


Joel Caris - Portland, Oregon
I was born in Redding, California, but left there when I was four. So not there. The town I spent the most time growing up in is Vancouver, Washington. But not that interesting. Screw that.

Let's go for Portland, Oregon, which is where I live now.

What's Portland known for? Well, everyone thinks rain. And it does rain, but it's way overblown. For those of you who don't live in a place where it rains a lot, though, I guess it is weird to show up here and listen to people debate what kind of raining is going on today. Is it misting, sprinkling, is it a light rain, a heavy rain, a shower? We're like the eskimos here with all our different terms.

What else? I believe Portland has the highest number of strip clubs per capita of any city in the country. Yep, we love our strip clubs here. You can't walk down the street without seeing one. Hell, it's hard not to walk down the street without finding yourself in one, purposefully or not.

portland%20sky.jpg
Also, full nudity with alcohol.

If you're a basketball fan, we have the number one pick and the opportunity to choose between Oden and Durant. So suck on that, Boston.

Oh, and it's just a damn cool city. It's small, but it still has a whole lot of culture. We've got Forest Park, which is the biggest park within city limits in the country (or maybe world.) In general, there are tons of trees, lots of green spaces. The city's liberal as all shit, which is certainly nice from my perspective. It's quite easy to get around without owning a car, especially if you have a bike. Certainly not up to the level of New York, but I'm thinking of dumping my car and just saving the money next year when I start attending PSU and don't have to leave the city for work.

We're littered with $3 theaters that have fair-priced concessions, pizza, beer, burgers, couches, old and comfy and real chairs, and 21 and older only. There are even a couple places you can catch first-run movies for $6.

Finally, probably the best thing about this town is the beer. So much beer. But much more importantly, it's quality beer. There is so much great quality beer being brewed in this town, it's ridiculous. It's a borderline alcoholic's nightmare and dream all twisted together in night after night of spending too much goddamn money at the local pub. And there are great bars and pubs and taverns and classy joints with good food and dives with even better food EVERYWHERE and it's fucking great. And I've had to seriously cut my regular monthly expenses since moving here just so I could afford all the beer I've been drinking and good food I've been eating. Which reminds me, there's a lot of great fucking food here, and a lot of great ethnic food all over the place. Thai abounds, Ethiopian is well-represented (and delicious), and for every strip club, there's a Lebanese place, as well.

FUCK, I love this city.

May 11, 2007

Blog Is A Funny Word

For this week's column, we asked our writers what their favorite blogs are. Why? Because we are opening a side blog next week and talked turned to all things blogs and we thought, hey, why not pimp our favorites? Most are blogs, some are not, but that's ok because that's how a pimp rolls.

Travis:

Captain Smack
Queen of Dysfunction
Better Than Your Boyfriend

Dave:

I kinda hang at AceofSpadesHQ.
Lileks
Blackfive
Junkyardblog

Bonnie:

My favorite blog (read as: the only blog I read) ended with the beginning of FTTW!!! ASV!!! I was a blog virgin until ASV popped my cherry....(ed note: ASV just takes you to a link that takes you to here)

Seetwist:

XKCD.com
(more of a web coming than a blog).
The Generator Blog is good for a few laughs.
Waxy.Org is good for links when I'm bored
Post Secret usually has some good stuff.

Philbrick:

It's already on the FTTW link page. My favorite blog is Hog on Ice. In fact, I discovered FTTW through Hog on Ice. I'm also a fan of Agent Bedhead. Without her I probably wouldn't know who the hell Pete Doherty is. I think that's a good thing...

Jim:

Baseball Think Factory and Crooks and Liars. And Drunkard for those who like libation.

Timmer:

Blogs I read almost every day, on days I read blogs:

Outside the Beltway (Politics and Current Events and a Great Caption Contest.)

Electric Venom (The wife/lawyer who's married to a prior Army Officer offers her opinions on life, food, love, education, American Idol, and anything else that might piss her off.)

Blackfive - (A prior Army Intelligence Officer and his crew make sure Soldier's voices are heard. Sometimes they're too right wing even for me, but their hearts are in the right place.)

The Shape of Days - (Slices of life served up fresh.)

The Llama Butchers (YIP YIP) - (I don't know how to describe them, but they make me smile.)

Dean's World - (A real liberal view. I'm sure Howard Dean hates them.)

Protein Wisdom - (Politics, current events, and a dancing armadillo on Fridays...sometimes...if he's up to it.)

Resurrection Song - (His name is Zombyboy, he's a natural.)

Lifehacker - (Computer shortcuts and cool stuff for Macs and PCs.)

Eject! Eject! Eject! - (Not really a blog...he writes really good essays...every now and then...but he's just revamped his site and has had new content almost every day for about a week...but take the time to read his essays.)

Pajiba - (Movies, movies, movies.)

The Daily Brief - (Where I got my real start with Stryker, Sgt Mom and the crew.)

There are others, but I wouldn't admit to them.

Deb:

Wil Wheaton – I first read just for novelty sake and then got pulled in for the love that is all things geeky, well that and my inner fangirl went SQUEEEE.

Argh Ink – Jennifer Crusie’s blog. Crusie rocks and is one of the reasons that I write in the romance genre. I want to be her when I grow up. (http://www.arghink.com/) You should specifically check out the entry about the latest literary device… THE GLITTERY HOO HAA

For Better or For Worse – I grew up with this “comic” strip, seriously! The characters have actually aged along with the strip. It makes me mad sometimes – mainly because I know that Lynn (the creator) is going to put Liz with Anthony because she has a bad habit of letting her characters end up with their first loves, but other than that it’s a great strip.

Paul:

Boing Boing
Engadget
MAKE: blog
Consumerist

Pat:

I don't read blogs. What's my favorite site, after FTTW? The Comics.com site, where I am a devoted fan of "9 Chickweed Lane".

Cullen:

Dean's World, Blank Forever, Wizbang! also: The Sheila Variations and The Bunny Blog

one of the blogs I'm currently enjoying most is: Chris's Invincible Super Blog (http://www.the-isb.com/). Fun stuff.

Another great blog, that I don't visit as often as I should, is Bad News Hughes. Although he updates infrequently, he is too damn funny.

Josh:

Waiter Rant
savage love
I Can Has Cheezburger?

Jo:

Halfbred Son - It's a blog/story about a man who is an immortal cursed to walk the earth for centuries. The stories tell about his life. I enjoy it very much.

Richard:

I've been reading Avitable for a while, it's a rather entertaining blog. Avitable is full of himself but self-deprecating, he makes himself the butt of the joke a lot of the time, which is actually pretty rare out there in Blogoland. I try to go by once a week, but you could make it a semi-daily; he updates often. Avitable has shown some of the sickest videos I have ever seen, has a pretty unique take on the standard memes he's done, he's done a few odd videos himself, but the most outstanding feature at avitable.com is the comments. Usually when a blog gets popular enough to get several dozen comments on every post, coughwaiterrantcoughdavebarry'sblogcough the comment section is little more than a lot of really cool people making inane comments, apparently just for the sheer joy of commenting at a popular blog. Avitable has a few of those too, but he also has quite a collection of colorful characters in his comment clique, you could easily enjoy a few other fine blogs by clicking around the sites of those whom comment there. No guarantees on that, of course. The other distinguishing feature at Avitable.com; he goes to the trouble of answering those comments. This is not only rare for the amount of comments received, but it also makes each post a sort of mini-forum, very cool.

I also go to Presurfer a few times a month. Gerard surfs the net so you don't have to, collecting all that's worthwhile in one place. If none of that does it for my boredom, I have always enjoyed the little mouse-control games you'll find at Ferryhalim.

Dan:

Larry Livermore, I went for the punk and stayed for the prolific commentary on more than a few interesting topics. Particularly racism. Especially racism. Very very little I disagree with when it comes to this guy. Just enough to keep me going. He started and used to run Lookout! Records; I emailed him a couple of times and he's Mr. Nice guy, and always eloquent. Not bad at all for a guy who just fucking broke 60 years old. Daily reading.

Weasel Manor, although Ben Weasel only updates when he feels like it. Bastid. Still a good read though. Ben is usually worth waiting for.

Dr. Frank's Whats-it, of course. Duh. Guy's a genius. Daily reading.

327 Words, written by a guy (an old friend of Larry Livermore's, that's how I found it) whose birthday is on March 27. So he decided to write 327 words a day for 327 days. He's a philosopher pothead cycle enthusiast, so that's 3 for 3. I'm in.

El Guapo In DC, He's Latino, Guatemalan in fact, he's the most guapo man in all of D.C., and he is the shit. Too funny.

Club Life, some blog about some asshole bouncer in some shitty club in Manhattan. The best part is that he calls himself an asshole and says that it's the idiot club frequenters that has jaded him so. And he's probably right, I mean holy shit, read some of the shit he has to put up with. But he's still a cantankerous bastid, God love em.

And waiter rant, of course. Hell.

Then my lunch break comes and I stop working.

Ian:

Some of my daily stops aren't actually blogs, but cartoons. XKCD is simple art with geek humor that I love - same with Cyanide and Happiness at Exlpolsm (click on "comics").

Other than that, I always stop by Scalzi for John Scalzi's daily dose of strange. He's an award winning sci-fi author and freelance writer who talks a lot about the business of writing. He also openly discloses how much money he makes in a year and from what sources "because somebody in this business has to talk about the money".

Michele:

I kind of miss the days when I had internet at work and could read blogs all day long. But those days are long over and my blog reading has suffered. Here's what I read when I have time:

100 word stories: A group of writers have a theme for the day and write a story in exactly 100 words on that theme. Readers encouraged to post their own. Oh yea, I write there. Though I've been in a drought lately.

Something I Learned - as the site says, punk rock and other assorted bullshit. Lots of podcasts and mp3s.

Strange Reaction - punk rock, podcasts, mp3s, and Scott writes neat stuff about all the cool stuff he posts. Sorry, it's been a long day and words fail me.

Positive Ape Index - Uber cool artist Coop struts his stuff. Lots of car blogging.

Journalista - Where I keep up on all things comics.

Buzzstuff - in a word, FUN.

Davezilla - this guy has been at it longer than me. That's a long time.

Other sites, already mentioned here: Dr. Frank, Sheila Variations, Blank Forever.....damn I need more hours in the day.

What are your favorite blogs? Got a blog? Pimp it, baby! We're going to be updating our links page soon and you want to be there!

May 5, 2007

I'm Not Here For Your Entertainment

It's trainwreck time! Choo Choo!!

This week's train is brought to us by Timmer.

What is one thing (or more) that you listen to that is totally out of character for you, going by what people know about you? What would people be really surprised to know that you get down to, musically?


Jo:
Musically, I'm a sucker for getting down with some old school Russian opera.

JazzBass: oh that's easy. chick country singers. i mean decent modern ones like patty loveless and sara evans. ooh and rhonda vincent....dreamy!!

Satyricon_photo.jpgBaby Huey: singer-songwriters, folk, and roots rock. it's only out of character if you just know me as baby huey, which is true for most, but i love the stuff. the wizardry they pull off on stage with just a stool and a guitar never ceases to amaze, inspire, and move me.

Branden: I'm not sure there's anything I listen to that people think of as out of character. The people who know me are well aware that when they come over to my house, they could be treated to anything from modern country (not to be confused with country pop) to Frank Zappa to Shostakovich or Rachmaninoff.

I guess the only thing that would throw some people off is my immense love for all things Billy Joel. But that's only if they didn't know me well.

Seetwist: NPR's "Morning Edition" and "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me". Friends and co-workers get weirded out when I listen to public access news and jokes. But screw them, Peter Sagal and Carl Kasell crack me up. I want his voice on my answering machine.

I think if I had to chose something that was waaaay out of character musically, it'd have to be classic country music. I love me some Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, George Jones and Merle Haggard. The music I play that gets people to do a double-take when I'm driving around is Klezmer and Hungarian folk music. Beautiful, beautiful music, and some of the upbeat numbers can really get you moving in your seat. I still don't understand a damn thing they're saying, but I sing along anyway, which is probably why I get the looks.

pink1-746860.jpgDave: Johnny Cash. lessee... what would be completely out of character for me?

hmmmm...Flock of Seagulls. Mostly because I was impressed with the guitar effect

Timmer: I guess the two that jump to mind the fastest are Pink and Christina Aguilera.

Turtle: this stuff is hard for me cause I am so musically eclectic and superior to all of you.

I am also modest.

But, I think one artist I listen to messes people up more than the others.

Neil Diamond. I am pushing almost 40 times of seeing him live. Follow him around like a stoned deadhead. Yup, I do.

Neil is the man.

Shilo makes me cry every time I hear it.

Had a dream, and it filled me with wonder
She had other plans
"Got to go, and I know that you'll understand"
I understand

That's is soooo sad. I feel you Neil. The others don't, but I do.

Sing on brother.....

Sing on

Cullen: Something that people who know me would be surprised that I listen to? That I actually *gasp* like the banjo.

Joel: Hmm, I don't know if there's anything I really enjoy that people would be absolutely shocked about--at least, those people who know me well. But perhaps my enjoyments of certain rap and hip hop artists, like Tupac, Eminem, Sage Francis and Gnarls Barkley (does that fit in the hip hop category? I'm not sure it does.) Aside from Sage Francis, I haven't listened to them much lately, but I really enjoy it when I do break them out.

Considering that the current, modern folk scene is a huge component of my musical selections at the moment, some people might be surprised at the rap/hip hop undercurrent I have going on.

Johnny: i'd say:

Lynyrd Skynyrd

what? at least it's not fuckin' Rush.

Pat: I suppose that one thing I listen to that might surprise some folks is classical - my favorite being Dvorzak's "New World Symphony". Some old, classic country (Johnny Cash, Kenny Rogers) hits the right spot sometimes, too. People that think I'm this mellow earth-mother type might find Pat Benetar or Joan Jett blaring through my house a mite shocking...

Jo: I'm ALL about Vivaldi's Four Seasons!!! But I think the one thing that sets people off when I liste to it would have to be screaming Death Metal from Norway. Yeeeah. A friend in a death metal band made a mixed CD for me to introduce me to it and I love to indulge in it every once in awhile and scream in a different language. (I live in Vermont, we don't have an abundance of Metal, more Folk than anything else.)

Jim: Probably my Public Enemy and Jefferson Airplane fascinations would floor a few people I know.'

Michele: I've developed a fascination with all things pop music. Justin Timberlake, Nelly Furtado, Akon, Pink....basically anything that gets my ass shaking while I'm driving. Can't be all punk rock and speed metal all the time. Angry and disaffected is now way to go through life, son.

Now get up and dance.

2005_05_neildiamondconpost.jpgDave: Love Dvoracek, and most baroque, classical, romantic. Gustav Holst The Planets. The Russians, Mussourgsky, Cui, Tchaikovsky. Felix Mendelsson. Listz, Berlioz, Verdi (the Requiem!). Gah. I could go on, and you don't want to see that.

Baby Huey: When a good orchestra really gets going strong in Holst's Mars, the Bringer of War section of The Planets, it makes me feel funny in my boy parts.

Ian: I guess my surprising love for Pink Floyd plays into the entire problem of people not believing that I don't smoke weed. Anyone who kind of knows me automatically assumes that I'm a giant stoner- something about my laid-back nature and my predilection for hoodies and sandals.

One day I walked out onto my porch wearing pajama pants, a hoody and a pair of leather moccasins. My roommate just stared and shook his head.

But anyway, music - I have four complete Pink Floyd albums, some trance rock, Massive Attack and a Reggae song by The Mystic Roots called "Pass The Marijuana".

I'm not a pothead, people - I'm just naturally relaxed!

Richard: What is the wreck, surprising musical taste? It depends, some people are surprised that I listen to Eazy E, some are surprised that I listen to Kelly Clarkson, but most people are surprised that I listen to Kelly Osbourne. A few people have been surprised by my adoration of Steely Dan and ELO, but they just don't know proper jams is all. Just because it got worn out on AM radio doesn't mean it didn't have merit.

There you have it. Now you know a little more about the inner workings of the minds of the FTTW writers. It ain't pretty.

We bared our souls here. Your turn. We promise not to make fun. I mean, how can we? Look at what we're listening to.

April 28, 2007

What's Wrong With Uranus?

argo1.jpgBy now you know that they discovered a new planet, one which may be habitable. Pretty cool, eh? Maybe we'll all have somewhere to go when Al Gore's vision of an earth destroyed by Sebastian Bach's overuse of Aqua Net hairspray comes true. Quick, everyone to the shuttle! We must move to the new planet! Except you, Bach! You can stay here on earth and think about what you've done! We've got a completely new planet to destroy!

Except they named the planet Gliese 581 C. Seriously lame. I might stay here with Sebastian instead of living on a planet with such a dorky name.

So we here at Faster Than the World decided to come up with a new, exciting name for our future home. We put the idea out to our writers and the usual kind of conversation ensued. This, dear readers, is why we call this column Trainwreck.

Jo: Actually, I read the article and to me, it sounds a LOT like Krypton.

Seetwist: I vote for Omicron Persei 8. Either that, or Eternal Path (anagram for Planet Earth).

And Pluto IS a planet, goddamn it.

Ian: That's freakin' cool. I feel a short story coming on.

And Flupid - if Pluto is a planet, then we have to name every other floating chunk of crap in our solar system - we'll have several thousand tiny, useless planets to memorize in grade school.

I grew up learning Pluto was the 9th planet too, but it's time to let it float away into nothingness, my friend.

Seetwist: I can't do it... Too many songs about it. It's like taking the 'V' out of ROYGBIV. Sure, you can rarely see the violet, but it's still there. Same with Pluto.

Johnny: i hereby christen the planet Mike Oxbig.

how about Plat-9?

Ian: A small planet - circling a Red Dwarf?

Its name shall be, henceforth: Kryton!

/nobody's going to get that, are they?
kodai.gif
Timmer:
Get out of here ya smeghead.

Pirate: haha-I called RIMMER first

Dave: I would call it Oxy-10

Kristine: Planet Cellular, sponsored by Cingular

then change the rights every 20 years.

Like a stadium.

Seetwist: Coke Presents: New Earth!

Dave: I want to visit the naughty nymphs from the Planet Playtex.

Shawna:
I like New Earth. Cuz when we completely fuck this one up, we can just go there instead. How long will it take to get there? Should we leave now?

Bonnie:
Since we already have a planted named "uranus" lets name this one "myanus"

Seetwist: It sure beats Urectum.

Bonnie: what's wrong with Myrectum? it feels just fine to me

Kali:
i have issues with myrectum.

Josh:
myrectum has issues with me cause i eat a lot of spicy foods.

Michele: i guess myrectum is a gaseous planet.

Josh: mine's a gas giant.

url.htmMichele: they said this planet could be habitable. i don't want to live in your farting ass.

Josh: if i had a nickel for every time i heard that, i'd throw them at people at the mall.

Bonnie: myrectum is an overpopulated planet

Travis: DONKEY DICk!!!!!!!!

Cullen: Arthur Dent

Branden:
Planet of the Big Breasted Women who Want to Bone Uberchief

Travis: BRILLIANT...I second Branden

Seetwist: Planet Traal?

/bring a towel.

Turtle: Htrae - our evil doppleganger who does not help old ladies to cross the street

Timmer: Bob

Richard: You only get/have to drink if they say "Hi Bob"

Cullen: Make it more obscure and call it Zed Zed 9 Plural Zed Alpha.

Timmer: Robert A. Heinlein if Bob is too informal.

Jim: My Left Nut in Technicolor.

Deb: "Back-up plan A"

You can see what happened here. I mean, I never really thought we'd come up with a decent name. But it sure was fun trying. What about you? Got a good name for our future home? I was going to say we'll package these all up and send them to the Geneva Observatory or whoever has the naming rights, but somehow I don't think these will fly.

The editors of FTTW swear that they, and the writers, are not really 12 year old boys.

starblazers.gif

April 20, 2007

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out

Ready for another trainwreck thread?

Here we go.

This week was easy. Some of us have had some reasons to think our parents might not be as stupid as we thought they were. Sure, looking at your parents now you do realize that them there were some smart peeps, but back in the days of yore, you thought they were dummy head old people. so we thought what the hell. Let's think back and see if we remember anything they told us. Some words of wisdom. Things like "your face will freeze like that" or "if you can't say something nice, blah blah".

parents.gifSome were funny, and some were serious but most of the writers got their pearls of wisdom in before the deadline so without any further ado.....

What are some words of wisdom your parents gave you?

Josh

This trainwreck was my idea because my dad's coming today to visit, so I'll share a couple of tidbits of advice he gave me when I was about 9 that really stuck with me. The one I still respect to this day is "It's not what you say, it's who you say it around." I've personally tweaked that mantra to say "It's not what you say, it's how you say it and who you say it around." My sense of humor can be very caustic at times, because offensive things can be funny. However, I'm not out to hurt anyone. I'd never say anything maliciously. Unless you're Dutch. In which case, Eff you.

The other thing he said stuck with me since both he and my mother are entrepeneurs, as was his dad and his grandfather. He said "When you own your own business, you're allowed to work half days. More than that, you're allowed to pick which 12 hours that half day is." He instilled a work ethic in me that I try to use every day. Except when I'm answering emails like this on company time. And with cleaning. Cause screw cleaning.

Branden

"Don't beat yourself up. Life is too short to run around feeling bad about yourself."

Still working on that one. But it is great advice. I feel a large amount of guilt on a daily basis, and that's not the way it should be.

Dave in Texas

Mom's was pretty consistently "be pleasant. Show good manners. If you can't say anything nice about someone..."

Which didn't mean much to me at the time, but now that she's been gone for 4 years, it's the legacy she left in the world. Every person I know who knew her thought she was the sweetest woman in the world. I have heard people say more than once "she never had a bad thing to say about anyone".

Not a bad way to be remembered. Kinda reminds me of Jimmy Stewart in Harvey. "My mother used to say, she'd say 'Elwood', because that's my name, she'd say 'Elwood, in this world, you can be oh so clever or oh so pleasant'. Well, I recommend pleasant".

matt_1003.jpgMichele


my father gave me a LOT of great advice when I was younger, none of which i ever took. Perhaps his best advice then was "learn from your own mistakes." Which I have.

He also told me "don't sweat the small stuff." that was his mantra. I was never able to do that until recently, like in the last year or so.

I really wish I listened harder to him back then. At least he's still dispensing invaluable advice to me. Like "don't sh*t where you eat."


Ian

Most of what I learned from my dad, I learned from watching and learning; he wasn't really big on the quotable anecdotes. Education can turn your world around. Don't f*ck it up, but know that family will always be there if you do.

Actually, my dad just had surgery this week, so perhaps I should ask him. I bet he's philosophical when the painkillers are doing the talking.

Richard

My Father's been dead for 15 years, and he only said it once, but it was something along the lines of: "It's all well and good to know things, son, but don't brag about your knowledge of the price of tea in China with your Chinese tea dealer." It was a bit more succinct than that, he was a rather brilliantly quotable guy, but I just don't remember his phrasing. Basically, don't be so quick to show off all you think you know; an expert trumps a bullshitter almost every time. A prize winning bullshitter told me that, misty-eyed, miss-my-Dad time.

Jo

My mom always gave me the strangest advice on stuff when I was a kid, stuff I never understood until I grew up and had to use it. Stuff like "When you can see the bottoms of the leaves in a tree, a storm is coming." or "If you are in a field where all the bottoms of the leaves on a tree are flat, you are in a cow field." But I'd have to say the best advice I ever got from Mom was how to handle my anger without hurting anyone. She told me that if I got mad to the point where I wanted to hurt someone, I should "take a carton of eggs, find a wall/tree/something solid, imagine the person's face that has upset me and throw the eggs and said target." The whole point in this exercise is for the thrower (me) to get the satisfaction of throwing and breaking something that is utterly destroyed afterwards AND no one gets hurt. Best advice EVER! I've given it to friends of mine and its worked as well.

P04169LD42H.JPGPirate

All I was told was "Wear a condom son, otherwise you're the one who's
gonna get fucked". I think this was sometime after my first marriage.

Dad was a little slow.

Turtle

I think the best words of advice I had ever heard from my dad was that I wasn't unique.

Believe it or not, that stuck with me. The thought that no matter what I had done, who I fucked and fucked over, how much of a bad ass I thought I was, all I had to do was raise my chin and I would see a hundred motherfuckers who were ten times as bad as me and the easiest way to die was to think that i knew more than anyone else.

He also taught me to ignore the loud people when it's calm and listen the calm people it's loud.

Cause loud people get people killed.

That got me out of a lot of shit.

Pops was a realist.

Tim Shaw

My Dad’s advice:

“In the balls. Hard.”

Shawna

I don't really remember anything my parents told me other than my mother saying that if you wait long enough, your opportunity to speak your mind will present itself in the most opportune time rather than flying off the handle in the heat of the moment. And she's right.

The other piece advice that I remember came from my older brother (twelves years older than me). When I was five, he told me not to eat raw brown sugar right out of the box cuz it would give me worms. I was 5. I believed him. We still laugh about it now, although I no longer believe I will get worms from brown sugar.

travesty_2004-04_cover.jpgPat

Okay. From my mother after she figured out I wasn't a virgin anymore: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" (Sorry, Mom.) From my father, by his example my entire young life: "It doesn't matter what you do for a living, get your satisfaction from doing it to the best of your ability." That was a hell of a work ethic - makes any job worthwhile. As a mother to my own child: "I don't ever want to hear that you started it, but by damn, I'm gonna teach you how to finish it - knee or foot, real hard, right between the legs. When they hit the ground, run like hell." This when I taught my first-grader how to defend herself from the bullies beating up on her on the way to school. She dropped one the following day, and they never bothered her again.

Jim

I haven't learned any specific pearls of wisdom from my father, but he has taught me to fine art of being thrifty without being cheap. Coupon cutting, BOGO, getting the generic brand over the name brand, buying hundreds of cans of soup that you might now need immediately, but could use in the future... it may not be "advice", but at least my freezer is stocked with steak and chicken.

Philbrick

My dad warned me that if I found a job I didn't like that paid the bills I would be there for the next thirty years. Hence, I have never had a job that paid the bills. Make of that what you will.

Johnny

"hide evidence," my old man always used to say.

Timmer

After my sister got arrested for shoplifting my Dad said, "I'm not punishing you for doing it, I'm punishing you for getting caught."

Cullen

When I joined the Army my dad (an Air Force master sergeant) told me I should have joined the Air Force. He said, "Why'd you join the military when you could have joined something like the military?"

Joel

I love that. Sounds very true, especially having just barely escaped retail.

I can't think of any great lines of advice my dad gave me, but he had one line he used sometimes when he was really pissed. "That really frosts my ass." Great line. Once he had me and a friend lined up, chewing us out for misbehaving, and he broke that one out. We couldn't help ourselves--we started to laugh. It was just too damn funny at the time.

Man, did that piss him off. He looked about ready to kill us at that moment.

Dan

Dad said

"You get caught in a lie and it takes forever to get that trust back. Don't ever cheat on your taxes because if they find a lie once they'll never leave you alone. You can find loopholes everywhere but don't be dishonest, it's not worth it."

I don't have the energy to be a bullshitter anyway. Remembering lies takes too much work.

----------------------------

So those are them. Parents maybe ain't so stupid after all cause some of these are pretty good. But enough about us. We know your parents had some interesting things to say.

Enlighten us.

Tell us how your parents were smarter than ours.

April 13, 2007

When You Believe In Things That You Don't Understand

It's Friday the 13th edition of the Trainwreck of Thought.

We passed the mic around at the weekly FTTW meeting of the minds and asked the authors about their superstitions.

We were going to ask them what their favorite Friday the 13th movie is, but there's only one right answer to that. So it's the cliche of superstitions instead.

6424_6436_6CT-024_CORN_BROOM_72ppi.jpgBranden: The only superstition I have is that I must clean the blood from my killing knife with the Mickey Mouse towel I bought at a yard sale in 1993. Why? Because it was a damn fine yard sale, that's why.

Ernie: All my superstitions revolve around sports. As an example, I am wearing my Red Sox socks today in combination with my Patriots superbowl t-shirt, because together they have the power to help the Sox get a win tonight. I have so many of these it's fucking ridiculous...

Turtle: From my new Alaskan Crabbin' buddies:

A naked woman on board will calm the sea.

Something about her boobies and the sea god being horny.

You all see where I am going with this so I might as well stop now.

Pat: Well, being a WITCH, this is my favorite date on the calendar - no bad vibes about Friday the 13th here! I walk under ladders (always making sure no idiot's going to drop something on my head), step on cracks in the pavement, and I love black cats - have one... although the cat that's my familiar is the pure white one. Am I superstitious? Of course I am. I do the salt over the shoulder thing if I spill any. Bright Blessings to everyone who writes for and reads FTTW!

Shawna: My Japanese mother-in-law (very superstitious) yelled at me once for standing my fork up in my food, she taught me that you should never hand someone the salt shaker, always put it down for the other person to pick up and she also told me that it's good luck if it rains on the day you move. So, those are my biggest three.

Meg: In China, 6 is a lucky number, so as a foreign teacher I was given a phone number with 666 in it, at no extra charge.

Um, thanks?

rabbitrabbit.jpgKali: 13 is my lucky number.
that being said i still have to FORCE myself to step on cracks in the sidewalk. ...

Pirate: My examples are all from the sea. First, naked woman DOES calm the sea and anyway beats anything else you have onboard. Next, there are several things which are not allowed onboard, and we don't mention while at sea. I'm at sea. And you want me to mention them. Dammit man! OK, a large, four-legged animal cowboys ride around on, what you use to sweep the floor with, the ugly bitch that kidnapped Dorothy in the WOO and those furry little animals that we say other things fuck like. Yeah, those things, but I'm not.the least bit superstitious. There are a few more but I need to sacrifice a goat up on the bow, just in case.

Turtle digs up some more weird sea stuff:

Avoid people with red hair when going to the ship to begin a journey.
Red heads bring bad luck to a ship, which can be averted if you speak to the red-head before they speak to you.

Avoid Flat-footed people when beginning a trip.
They, like red heads, are bad luck. The danger can be avoided by speaking to them before they speak to you.

Michele: If you're watching a hockey playoff game and your team scores a goal, you have to stay in the exact same position you were in when they scored or they wont' score another.

For reals.

Ernie adds to that: That is totally true. Also your position in the room can be a huge factor in the game. For example, if you're on the couch and your team is going nowhere and generally getting an ass kicking, maybe it's time to switch to the other side of the couch, or move to the standing position in another part of the room.

Lucky socks can be helpful. So if you are wearing slippers, take them off. OR, the socks could be chilly, so if you're not wearing slippers, put some on. Whatever it takes to help the team.

Michele adds: As I watch the Islander game tonight, I will be sitting on the left hand side of the couch.

I will be wearing no socks.

I will be eating a peanut butter sandwich.

If they win, I have to do the same thing tomorrow night.

funbofelubos.gifThe peanut butter sandwich, no socks, left side of couch thing goes all the way back to 1983.

Ian: One of the only things that I really, truly believe in - that can't be proven by science - is Karma. I don't know if tossing salt over your shoulder or not walking under ladders will actually change anything but, if it does, I see no reason to tick off the universe.

In addition to the usual salt, cat, ladder and cement-crack related superstitions, I basically will adopt any superstition that I hear about. Because you never know which ones will really stop karmic retribution from coming down on your ass.

Oh, and lucky boxers. They're zebra-striped.

Seetwist: The number 4 never fails me, but as for lucky items, I always carry around at least 1 pig on my keychain or backpack. They're good luck in Germany, and I have a relative who sends me a new batch every year.

Bad luck: I'm more afraid of the jinx than anything else. If something good is scheduled to happen to me, or if I am about to get a new job, a raise or something like that, I keep it to myself. As soon as I tell someone about it, it usually ends up not happening, and I look like a fool.

Deb: It's bad luck to turn your calendar to the next month on the first day of that month.

No I don't know why, it just is.

Also if the last words you say out loud on the last day of the month are "Hare Hare" and the firsts words you utter the following morning are "Rabbit Rabbit" you will get your fondest wish.

I learnt that from Trixie Belden.

I am obsessed with calendars

Pirate has another: One more for your list is to steel the broom from the last whorehouse you visit before setting sail, then mounting it on the bulkhead in the common room. You always touch the broom before coming on shift.

Philbrick: Remember: Always spit over your left shoulder when you see a dwarf. Try not to hit the dwarf, though, 'cause that's just plain rude.

Let's close this out with some interesting words from Johnny:

this dictionary i normally use to break my weed up on says that a superstition is an irrational belief in or notion of the ominous significance of a particular thing, circumstance, occurrence, etc.

now, i don't know if this qualifies because i don't feel the fear is irrational, but it is certainly ominous in its significance.

i'm talking about a girl's shoes. i'm totally superstitious about them. cuz if they're dirty, it means a dirty puss. to me, it's like walking under a ladder or breaking a mirror or having a black cat cross your path. i won't do it. i'll go out of my way to avoid it. and if it happens, it's guaranteed bad luck.

That's a sampling of our superstitions. What are yours?

April 6, 2007

I Had a Dream I Was a Vigilante's Sidekick

If this is the Trainwreck column, then it must be Friday. Made it through another week!

For the uninitiated, this is the weekly column where the writers of FTTW get together and talk shit about things. I'd call it a roundtable discussion, but there are no tables at FTTW headquarters and it's not so much a discussion as a bunch of people sitting around fighting about the last piece of pizza or the last swig of FTTW-brand moonshine.

That's our weekly meetings. You should check out our office parties.

Anyhow, this week's discussion was about sidekicks. You know, those guys that always hang around someone famous and usually have all the good ideas and do all the hard work while the the sidekick has to sit around and bear the brunt of the other guy's wisecracks and pretend that he isn't the brains behind the operation. A good sidekick will play dumb for his partner. You just hope that some day he gets the karma owed him.

So, who's your favorite sidekick?

Dave in Texas: Baba Louey

Pril: Barnacle Boy. Because he's like 100 years old and is still "barnacle boy" (sidekick of Mermaid Mad from Spongebob).


Joel: I'm going to break out my Buffy obsession for this one and go with season four-era Spike. For those who don't know, he was a bad ass vampire who was constantly trying to kill Buffy, her boyfriend, her friends, her family, and anyone else he could get his hands on. But he was also a total romantic, in a twisted sort of way, both in love and in terms of liking this world.

spike4.jpgKey quote to demonstrate the twisted romanticism: "We like to talk big. Vampires do. 'I'm going to destroy the world.' That's just tough guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got... dog racing, Manchester United. And you've got people. Billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs."

So come season four, he gets a nice little computer chip in his head that makes him unable to hurt humans.

And hilarity ensues.

A neutered Spike first coming to Buffy and her friends for help and then eventually helping them to fight demons when he realizes he can still hurt them, even if he can't hurt humans, was brilliant. Of course, he was still evil, but he was so desperate to commit acts of violence, he decided to help Buffy go after the demons, just because that was what he could beat up on. It was a season filled with many very funny Spike scenes and it was the start of turning him into one of the most fascinating and entertaining characters ever to grace television.

Branden: Comics: Tetsuo from Akira. Whiny sidekick turned kickass telepathic/kinetic prime minister.

TV (sitcoms): Larry from Three's Company. The perfect 80s scumbag.

TV (not sitcoms): Jonesy, from the short-lived HBO series Carnivale. Tough, racist, but would always stand by people he believed in.

Movies: Patsy from Holy Grail. Hell, the entire round table kicked ass. Sir Robin is a total whiner, Gallahad almost gets it on with dozens of women in Castle Anthrax, and Lancelot is just a guy who likes to do this in his own...his own...um...

Baby Huey: I'mma go all obscure. My favorite is Utahraptor from Dinosaur Comics. He's T-Rex's straight man. He really sets up old T-Rex for some great lines. For example:


[click for bigger]

Richard: Bender B. Rodriguez, because he's a robot. A robot that gambles, and pimps, but does not advocate the cool crime of robbery. I forgive his adoration of Beck, 'cause robots have zero taste in music. You might say that Fry is Bender's sidekick, you would be not entirely incorrect, so I'll go with Kif Kroker, the complainingest sidekick in the galaxy, to 25-star general Zapp Brannigan. The dog and the baby on that Family Dude show are the only not-annoying part of it, not sure which is the sidekick or if they are a buddy team like Hope & Crosby.

Forget all that, or don't, but I want to say Arthur to the Tick. Because he is the rational one, and it always bites him in the ass. How did I get the idea they had to be cartoons?

Phil: I'm going to pick up on Joel's Buffy obsession and say Willow Rosenberg. I think she was the only reason I watched that show, because I have a thing for really hot nerds with magic powers. Mind you, I never had a crush on Alyson Hannigan, because I know that there is a difference between characters and the people who play them on TV. So I get crushes on fictional characters. Umm...I think that's healthy..

Pirate: I am compelled to pick Keith Richards as the greatest sidekick of all time, based only on this headline I just read: Keith Richards: "I snorted my father".

-He rocks and everybody else just rolls.

PeanutButterJellyTime.gifBonnie: My favorite sidekick is peanut butter. It goes with everything!! Just think of everything it's linked with:

Jelly, Chocolate (in all forms), Marshmallow Fluff, Bannanas, pretty much anything can be dipped in or coated with it! Great sidekick!

Cullen: Best sidekick? Bruce Lee.

Best roundhouse? Chuck Norris.

(Seriously though, Lee as Kato in the Green Hornet was awesome.)

DR: Zan and Jayna...The Wonder Twins! They're each other's best side kicks. Who else can you count on to turn herself into a bucket of water at the exact time you need to turn yourself into a pterodactyl so you can defeat the bad guys?

Awesome sidekicks, indeed!

I also like Cleft, Boy Chin Wonder from Fairly Odd Parents. He's the Crimson Chin's sidekick.
Nice suits. Red. Not too flashy. Ass kicking boy.

But that Crimson Chin is pretty hot, so I think I have ulterior motives to getting the boy chin in the limelight with all the attention.

Tim: I'm with Cullen. Bruce Lee as Kato.

How often does the side-kick out-shine the hero?

Quick, no Googling, who played The Green Hornet?

Exactly.

Shawna: does kermit have a sidekick?? cuz this video just cracked my ass up.


my pick is whoever kermit's sidekick is. cuz he's so cool.
maybe it's miss piggy. it's been a long time since i've watched the muppets.

what are you still doing here?? go watch the video!

Tim Shaw: Kato seconded.

With a nod to Arthur from the Tick...the animated version.

Michele: Pinky.

Everyone thinks Brain is the brains behind the operation, but it's Pinky who always comes up with the brilliant ideas. Sure, they are disguised as the ramblings of a drooling idiot, but in the end, Brain ends up forming his schemes off of what Brain suggests while he's doing his pondering. Brain may look like he's the one doing all the work and putting the plan into action, but look carefully.....Pinky is usually the one doing all the dirty work. Without Pinky, brain is just another Pavlovian lab mouse who will never get to the end of the maze.

"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
Uh, I think so Brain, but this time, you wear the tutu.

Pat: Mr. Spock on the original "Star Trek" series. Why? Because there was never any doubt that he was smarter than Kirk, and he did straight man sooooooo well.

Ian: I second both nominations for Kato and Gir. Both totally brilliant.

But my ultimate vote is cast in favor of Arthur from The Tick.

Arthur is a Jewish accountant who is placed on "indefinite psychiatric leave" after he decides to pursue the life of a superhero. He purchases his "moth suit," which allows him to fly, at a garage sale. As such, it does not come with an owners manual, and he can't activate most of the other features the suit offers.

While The Tick chooses to shout "SPOON!" as he goes into battle, brave young Arthur instills fear in evil-doers by screaming "Not in the face!"

Classic.

bender343.jpgJohnny: if i'm thinking of a sidekick i'd want, it would have to be someone who is loyal to a fault, someone who'd stick by you in those tight situations, someone who could get you quality blow.

my vote is for Al Cowlings.

i mean, how many of your friends would help you out once you got a murder rap? trust me, it's not a lot. and not only that, but he was probably the getaway driver when the Juice went on the loose in the first place. remember, he was also the slow and steady driver in the White Bronco, out on the L.A. Freeway. you just know O.J. was in the back, doin' line after line of Peruvian Flake. most people would be like, "hey man, there's all kinds of cops back there. i told you you shouldn't have killed those people. hey, ease up on that shit. it's not even paid for." but not A.C. nope. he kept on drivin', then made himself real scarce when the trial rolled around.

that's a fuckin' sidekick if there ever was one.

Ernie: Elwood Blues

And I also second, third or whatever Spock.

PS. I have walking pneumonia. Touch Me I'm Sick.

ed note: better than running pneumonia?

Turtle: The ultimate be all end all sidekick is of course Barney Fife. Mayberry's law and order. One bullet caring ass kicking machine. Without him, the town would become a lawless town of still making, moonshine drinking Otis Cambells.

Don Knotts reached his acting pinnacle in those early days only later to be bought out by Disney and turned into some gaywad cartoon fish who found German subs for the Army.

And that wraps up another FTTW trainwreck, and another week. Hope yours was good and your weekend is even better.

Now tell us - who is your favorite sidekick?


If I forgot to put anyone's in, I apologize and blame it on the FTTW kegerator.

March 30, 2007

What's The Deal With That Movie?

It's Friday and it's time for the group thing.

No, not that kind of group thing. That happens on Saturdays. I mean the group question/answer/peek into the minds of FTTW writers thing.

This week we have we are talking about movies. Particularly, movies you loathe, that everyone else loves. Movies that you have no idea why they are so beloved and popular. Something you look and think, WTF? Why did my friends tell me this is the greatest movie ever? Why did this win awards? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

bad_movie_alert.jpgAnyhow, that's how it started off. As usual with these FTTW board meetings, things stray, get out of hand, go off topic or just morph into something else entirely. Or maybe they just don't pay attention to what I ask of them. Short attention spans. Must be the on-site meth lab and moonshine still that causes it.

Here's the result of this week's meeting. Complete with insults, infighting, a discussion on the merits of Napoleon Dynamite and BAD TASTE.

Dan: I hate a lot of action movies that I'm supposed to love. I hated Speed and I hated The Rock. Especially The Rock. Oh shit if Nicholas Cage doesn't grab that little blue ball of badness then we're all gonna die so he's diving for it in slow motion and yelling nnnnoooooooo and oh no do you think he's gonna get to it in time?

Course he does. Loser.

Michele: I tend to hate most Nick Cage movies, just because he is in them. Ceptin Raisin Arizona, of course.

I have a thing against Tom Hanks movies. I HATE HATED Forrest Gump. Thought it was a complete piece of hokey crap. I know damn well I am in the minority there. I also hated Castaway. That movie was like tedium magnified. Joe v. the Volcano? Everyone I know loves that movie. I want to stab myself in the head with a pencil every time it's on tv.
Others: American Beauty. You call it art, I call it two hours of my life wasted on pretentiousness.
Eyes Wide Shut. You call it art, I call it Embarrassing Cinema. I cringed in some parts, I was so embarrassed for the actors.
Signs. Yea........so.............these aliens.....they are afraid of water and they invade a planet made primarily of water? And they are smart enough to have the technology to fly to other planets but they are too dumb to figure out how to turn a doorknob? And then the whole thing ends up being a religious epiphany for Mel Gibson? This is MST3K material.
The Village. Another M Night Shamalalamdingdong movie. This was more predictable than a Bugs Bunny cartoon. Not scary. Not frightening. Jaw dropping bad.

Branden: Oh man, you just opened a can of worms...

cowbell2gh.gifAnchorman. Old School. Any of the Will Ferrel flicks like this.

WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE FIND THIS GUY FUNNY?!? Don't get me wrong--he did some great stuff in his seven years on SNL, but if you take his whole body of work, about one percent of what he's ever done is laughable. The stupid fucking Spartan cheerleaders? What the hell? Janet Reno's Dance Party? The only time that was even remotely funny was when Reno herself showed up. And then there's Old School. This movie can suck my taint. For WEEKS, I had friends quoting this movie. "Oh my god, it's so funny, you have to see it!" Well, I saw it, and I laughed a few times, but it just isn't that great of a movie. And don't get me started on Anchorman. I couldn't even get through the first thirty minutes of that insipid piece of shit. It's like when people went nuts over Jim Carrey back in his Ace Ventura days. I just don't get it. So some guy makes some funny voices and acts goofy. It isn't doing anything for comedy.

But the number one offender for me is that horrible, no good, piece of shit waste of time Wedding Crashers. This is the movie that made me look at everyone and think, "I'm surrounded by utter morons." There is maybe ONE time during this movie that I laughed out loud. The rest of it was just inane babble and an excuse for Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson and Owen Wilson's broke-ass nose to try (and miserably fail) to satirize misogyny. And then the last half turns into a fucking love story! What the hell man? And then Will Ferrells cameo at the end? IT WASN'T FUNNY PEOPLE. It was stupid. And I'm dumber for having watched it.

Man, I feel better now.

[A couple of people follow this up with "I don't get Will Ferrell, either" comments. Including yours truly]

Dave in Texas: . Did not like Forrest Gump, and generally not a fan of the Magical Retard(TM) plot device.

I've seen some bad films. You've seen some bad films. You've seen some really long bad films. But the longest, crappiest film there ever was, which was heralded as a beautiful story with beautiful cinematography with two of Hollywood's (at the time) hottest romantic leads evah, was Out of Africa.

My God, mind numbing boredom. A story of the strong woman, who takes charge and finds her destiny growing, hell I can't even remember, pomegranates or some shit like that, on her plantation that her Dutch German Nazi whatever family STOLE from the Africans just like those damn sneaky euro-bastards used to do. They gave em bibles and took the land. HYAH!

Anyway, I think it was the first time I noticed a soft focus shot used on Redford to hide what a truly ugly mo-fo he had aged into by then.

And Meryl Streep. AUGH! Did we get a little overplay with this chick or what? She's not cute. She's not funny. She's not interesting. Perfect choice for this movie. I would rather SLAM THE TRUNK LID DOWN ON MY DICK than watch a Meryl Streep film.

*ragged breathing*

I'm ok now.

Tim Shaw: Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.

Good lord...Hey...they’re running on the tree tops!!!1111oneonejuan!!11 I had people castigating me for not having seen it. “You haven’t seen it yet?! OMG...you HAVE to see it...the sword...THE SWORD!!!!!111

Saw it...turned my head like a confused dog...couldn’t even finish watching it.

Ernie: The only thing I can think of is that I pretty much dislike / loathe all of the Walt Disney animated movies. There are a few exceptions, like 101 Dalmations, the cartoon version, I like that one.. but I mostly hate the rest of them. (Pixar does not count as a Disney movie, yet).

Travis: Napoleon God Damn Flaming Pile of Shit Dynamite

I hate this movie.
I hate people who like this movie.
As a by product of this movie I hope that Jon Heder dies in a train wreck, after he gets cancer, and AIDS
I hope the guy who wrote this movie gets anally raped by a bison.
I hope the entire state of Idaho explodes and potato chips rain down from the heavens
Then I hope someone digs Jon Heders corpse and fucks it with a jackhammer. that doesn't mean I want someone to enjoy having sex with his corpse. That means I hope someone violates his limp, dead, carcas with a piece of road working equipment.

Dave comments: gee, and here I was all proud of myself for coming up with the Slamming Trunk Lid Comparison(TM), which IMHO expresses the idea pretty clearly, and Travis just goes and completely harshes my mellow with all dat hyperbole shit. I am depressed.

Kristine: Sunshine Spotless Mind something or other.

meh

It was "okay" I suppose, but not something to crawl up Jim Carrey's ass and pitch a tent over. It was badly written, all over the place, edited horribly.

Just ick.

(Kristine also threw in a side comment validating my hatred for American Beauty. So did Ernie.)

signs4.jpgMeg: It's The Village for me too.... If she's blind, and she sees people's auras, HOW COME SHE'S FOOLED BY THE COSTUME!?!?!?!

On the plus side, I did manged to impress some friends by figuring out the totally obvious ending.

Bonnie: I'm going with the crapfest called Napoleon Dynamite. This movie helped perpetuate the stupidity of a generation kids who can't speak properly to begin with!

This is where I felt the need to step in:

Just for the record

I loved Napoleon Dynamite.

You know why? It was a potential "feel good"story without the feel good. Without the cliches of every high school movie. There were so many points where it could have turned into that feel good movie and it didn't. I admire it for that.

And it made me smile.

To which Travis replied: I quit.

Branden: The only thing I can say, is that I admire the movie for being so unique. And you know what? If it was some little-known flick that I'd discovered on my own and I had absolutely no expectations for, I probably would have liked it. But it was built up so much as "the funniest movie EVAR" that it kind of hit me upside the head. I don't think that movie was a comedy.

me: See, I never looked at it as a comedy. I never really laughed out loud or thought it was very funny. I saw it before I heard the hype, so I had no expectations of it. I thought it was a unique, clever, quirky, weird movie. I just enjoyed it for what it was without expecting BEST EVER anything out of it.

Richard: I liked Nappy D kind of, but it was definitely burdened by the heaping piles of gush spittle from everyone I knew that had already seen it. The second time around I was able to enjoy it for what it was, and I liked it a little bit more. I think there may have been more to this movie than you'd first suspect. Consider; most of the cast and crew were Mormons. The major theme of the movie is that every one in the movie is in desperate need of some caffeine. Conspiracies, yeah, I gots 'em.

Branden: Ok, then I'll put ND in the category of "Wish my friends had kept their traps shut about it before I watched it" as opposed to "unbridled crapfest." Wedding Crashers, however, stays in "unbridled crapfest."

Me: i learned to be careful about movie recommendations from friends and family. for instance, if my sister says to me "this is the greatest movie ever" i have to keep in mind that, before this, she thought Dude, Where's My Car was the greatest movie ever.

On the other hand, I think Killer Klowns From Outer Space is great art.

[This is where Branden burst out into song...the Killer Klowns From Outer Space theme song]

DR: Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, Porky's, & Animal House.

Granted, I didn't see these until I was in my very late teens, well past their "prime" times. That might have contributed to my overall unimpressed view.

Also, any of the Griswold vacation movies. I love Chevy Chase, but I just couldn't get into those movies.

Baby Huey: i liked napoleon dynamite because it might as well have been the story of my youth. i grew up in as bumpkin a town as he did. i grew up on a farm. i was in 4-h. our dances were that awkward.

that being said, my choice for worst movie ever was "White Noise." fuck you, michael keaton. i lasted 40 minutes into that steaming pile, and it still stands as the only movie that i've ever walked out of the theater on. you have to understand, i like some really shitty movies. to be bad enough for ME to walk out of it is a feat in and of itself. oooh you mean i can talk to my dead mom on the tv if I turn it to the staticy channel? WAIT THERE'S A MEAN GHOST THERE TOO TRYING TO ATTACK ME? Oh wait, that's just mom. Hi, mom.

Pat: WTF movie: The second Harry Potter. I read the books, so I severely wanted to take the director out and shoot the M-F. He cut some of the best stuff from the book, added totally gratutitous shit (like the ornate entrance to the Chamber), didn't make Professor Lockhart even closely resemble the asshole in the book (ah, but maybe we must not make Kenneth Branaugh look bad)... he just fucked the whole movie. Very disappointed.

Joel: I couldn't get into Anchorman much, either. Didn't hate it, but definitely didn't think it was the brilliance so many people think it is.

Have to disagree with you people on Eternal Sunshine (great) and kind of on American Beauty, though while I initially loved it, I didn't nearly love it so much when I rewatched it recently. I'll take Six Feet Under instead (which could probably open a whole other can of worms here.)

Also, Napoleon Dynamite is a movie I've never seen and that feels completely overrated to me. But I've never seen it, so it would be complete BS for me to actually call it overrated.

So instead, my pick is Talladega Nights.

Can anyone explain to me why the hell this movie is so popular? Listen, I'm not against stupid comedies. I love Dodgeball, which is one of the greatest stupid comedies ever. But Talladega Nights is not funny. It's not. Seriously, you have to believe me on this. It drags, and there are one or two parts that are vaguely amusing, like that dinner table scene and maybe that knife in the thigh bit, but otherwise it was just boring as all hell. I could barely get through it. And I don't hate Will Ferrell (though I don't think he's a genius) and I freaking love John C. Reilly. But no. No. This is not the brilliant comedy it's made out to be. It's an incredibly mediocre one at best and it didn't deserve the money or acclaim.

I don't know, maybe it's because I don't watch or give a damn about NASCAR. Maybe there were hundreds of brilliant, subtle jokes involving the NASCAR culture that went over my head. But somehow, I'm thinking subtle jokes are not what the movie was filled with. I'm thinking something else, much less pleasant.

Deb: 28 Days Later. Sweet HeyZeus on a pogo stick - this the crappiest piece of shite that I ever paid money to see. I was rooting for the infected to win. I wanted to see all the main whiney asshole characters die in horrible ways. Did they? Nope.

Kill me I got blood in my fekking eye indeed.

AND another thing that I fekking hate about the mellon farmers that rave about this movie. They call it a fekking ZOMBIE movie. It wasn't a ZOMBIE movie fuckheads, there were no ZOMBIES!

There was ONE thing that amused me in this whole shitbag of a movie...The British were infected with uncontrollable rage. Now THAT's comedy.

[a short conversation ensued here between a couple of people that mostly involved the words "your mom"]

Johnny: 8 mile

spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti

it's like the hip-hop Rocky, only no Clubber Lang.


also, any movie where dancing is used to settle a beef.

napoleon-dynamite-dance.gifBaby Huey: if you ever besmirch the name of Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo again, I will cut your face.

[there was a little back and forth here which ended when BH said: "if my heart could dance it would look like that." really. he wrote that.]

Tim O'Connell: Come late to the party and miss all the easy ones. Okay, I'm just gonna throw them out there and let the hate flow.

I've got to go with any Clint Eastwood movie made after Pale Rider and wasn't Pale Rider just another fucking remake of Shane?

Whether he's in it, or directing it, I'm always waiting for something interesting and/or not depressing to happen. I walk away from most Clint Eastwood movies of the past 20 years wanting to slit my abdomen open sideways.

Gear up your hate, here it goes:

The Big Lebowski and I blame most of you. Thanks to you I expected the greatest Coen Brothers movie ever. Better than Raising Arizona, better than Fargo. It's not what I got. Don't get me wrong, it was funny. It was painfully funny. Donny dying is fucking hilarious, but I'm dark that way. The "drug" scenes were cute. I'm sorry, but it's not their best work. Raising Arizona is better and Fargo kicks it's ass. Blood Simple was more interesting. Compared to most movies, it rocks, but you all blew it way the hell out of proportion.

I know, I know, I'm dead to some of you...I'll get over it.

Cullen: Lost in fucking Translation. I loved this movie. I mean I was really into it. I dug every little bit of it. Probably had something to do with living in Japan for three years, but I understood it. And then the ending happened and made it the worst piece of shit I'd ever seen. Muthafuckin' Sophia Coppola.

Shawna: I don't watch too many movies, theatre or TV. Most of them are crap and I hate the fact that every scene is more predictable than the previous. And chick flicks - geez, spare me the sappiness. No, thank you.

There was a movie a few years ago that go such good reviews and everyone said was sooooooo funny that I broke down, merely out of curiosity, and I rented the movie.

Something About Mary

Biggest fucking waste of two hours that I will never ever get back. It was the stupid movie ever. And, you know, sometimes movies are so stupid that they're funny. No this one. It was just stupid.

Kali: ok i've been waiting to say this but i hated that tennenbaums movie. that fucking guy makes movies to hear himself talk and the actors only like it because they get to hear themselves talk more.
it smacks of "i'm totally smarter than you" humor which ranks right up there in my book with "i'm going to use lots of big words on purpose so that you feel small and ignorant."
i hate that guy... there's a reason that life aquatic sucked. HE SUCKS!!!

BH: i need to change my answer. i originally said White Noise. But then I realized, nobody in their right mind could have liked that movie.

My real choice is Scarface. Seriously, there's not a single redeeming quality about this goddamn movie. Oh, Al Pacino does a lot of blow? In other news, duuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh. Next person who tries to be cool by wearing a white polyester suit with giant lapels and says "SAY HELLO TO MY LEEEETLE FRIEEEEND" is getting shanked.


AAAaaand I'm spent. I'm sure I left out a lot of conversational snippets, but you all don't really need to hear about the porn watching habits of our writers.

What about you? What's your WTF movie?

March 23, 2007

Bad Guys, Bad Guys Watcha Gonna Do

Another week has gone by already? Damn. These trainwreck threads come up pretty quick.

This week we took a suggestion from Johnny. We don't do that too often because usually his suggestions involve clown suits and strap ons and border on illegal. But this time, he came up with one that won't get us arrested. Or injured.

Favorite villain from movies/tv/books

And now, a peek into the minds of the FTTW writers.

Turtle: Mine is Scorpio from Dirty Harry. He takes a licking and just keeps on ticking. Scorpio is an all inclusive killer making sure to kill at least one person from each rach, gender and sexual orientation. This kind of unbiased killing of all races of people forces me compare him to like a messiah of killing machines.

Plus, he pays big black men to beat his ass. He PAYS to get his ass beat down. In my neighborhood, all I need to use is a few choice words for that to happen.

Baby Huey: Brick Top from Snatch.

The man is a brutally ugly motherfucker, and I'm curious as to whether or not that played into it. Plus, he had my favorite villian monologue in the history of film:

"You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, 'as greedy as a pig.'"

Michele: Stansfield from Léon (The Professional). Gary Oldman - the greatest villain actor EVER - plays him to perfection. The scene where he says "Death is... whimsical... today. " makes me shiver every time I see it. He is the ultimate villain. Suave, eloquent and one twisted fucker.

Ernie (who has trouble making up his mind): Anyway, my vote goes to The Joker. And not the Jack Nicholson Joker, but the one from the comics. The one that's really bad. The one from The Killing Joke and a Death in the Family and The Dark Knight Returns. The Joker.

I also like Two-Face from the Batman comics as well. He is super-cool. You never know what you're going to get with him. All depends on the flip of his coin. One side is clean, one side is scarred. Just like Two-Face. That is cool.

Actually, not that I think about it, change mine to Two-Face because he is the best.

(I like Sabertooth too (from X-Men/Wolverine). The comic version.. not the poorly done movie version..)

Jazz Bass: Robbie Rotten from Lazytown is my fave

Kali: hud. he's an underhanded, disloyal, maid raping, greased pig chasing, father-double-crossing drunk. his father is the kindest, high moraled man you''re ever gonna find and his nephew (son of the brother hud killed in a drunk driving accident) is a wide eyed oakie who wants hud to love him so badly!

and still. i find myself rooting for hud. and cringing when he goes to the lawyers office to get his father certified as looney and old so that he can sell his farm to the oil people. like somehow he was gonna grow a conscience.

250px-Plankton.jpegnope, no conscience. just hud. i ned to find me a movie poster to put in my living room. a real rebel without a cause. (it doesnt hurt that paul newman is hott with two tees)

DR: Hannibal Lecter. Extremely intelligent. Charming. Smooth. Witty, even, at times. And yes, even attractive. I have a thing for Anthony Hopkins, and I don't care if you want to mock me.

The whole cannibalism thing was probably overblown.

Maybe.

Deb: Bruce, shark, JAWS. One angry MF. You have to love an animal that starts taking thing personally by the 4th movie. A close second, for me, is the killer whale from Orca - but he was just misunderstood.

Shawna: I'm sticking with Plankton from Sponge Bob Square Pants. My favorite episode is when Sponge Bob is trying to teach Plankton how to be friends and have fun and Plankton changes the words to the Fun Song.

It starts out with Sponge Bob:Jaws%20-%20Bruce%20says%20hello%20%28250w%29.jpgF is for friends who do stuff together,
U is for you and me,
N is for anywhere and anytime at all down here in the deep blue sea!!!

Then Plankton chimes in:
F is for fire that burns down the whole town!
U is for uranium..... bombs
N is for no suvivors.....

Spongebob:
Plankton! That's not what fun is all about! Now, do it like this.
F is friends that do stuff to-...

Plankton:
NEVER!!! That's completely idiotic.

Spongebob:
Here, let me help you, F is for friends who do stuff together,
U is for you and me,
Try it!

Plankton:
N is for anywhere and any time at all,
Down here in the deep blue sea.

Plankton: I don't understand this, I fell all tingly inside. Should we stop?

Spongebob: No! That's how you're supposed to feel!

Plankton: Well I like it, lets do it again!

HAHAHA! That's just classic! I love it

Timmer: Sheriff of Nottingham, Alan Rickman, Robin Hood Prince of Thieves. Made a deal with eeeeevil forces and then loses all control when things start falling apart. Pathetic hi-larity ensues.

Ian: My vote goes to Auric Goldfinger of James Bond fame. First of all, the guy's first name, Auric, actually means "of gold". How convenient is that?

Even though Ernst Blofield has the cool scar and the cat, morbidly obese Auric is the one who literally purrs while taunting everyone's favorite superspy: "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!"

Plus, the actor who payed him was a real life WW2 Nazi. Motherfuckin' cutting Bond in half with a laser, throwing hat henchman employing, naked chick gold painting, poker cheating, Fort Knox ransacking, getting sucked out of an airplane window Auric goddamn Goldfinger.

Branden: Gotta go with Hans Gruber, played by Alan Rickman in Die Hard. The guy just breathes cool. From his silent entrance at the head of a pack of thieves through his final moments in the air, the guy is a complete and utter badass. Sidenote: if Alan Rickman and Gary Oldman played hansgruber.jpgvillains in the same movie, the entire universe would explode in a ball of fire.

Dave: The baddest, meanest villain ever was Laurence Olivier as Dr. Christian Szell in The Marathon Man.

First, he's a fuckin Nazi! How bad is that? Second, his character is based on Josef Mengele for cryin out loud! Holy shite! He makes Tomás de Torquemada look like a pussy.

But most of all, he uses DENTISTRY to torture Dustin Hoffman. Muthafucka!!! AIYEEEEE!!! Every one of us cringed watching that scene. The drill, the clove that made it stop hurting. "IS IT SAFE YET"? Hoffman kept trying to answer him, but of course he didn't know the answer, and Olivier just kept drilling and poking that open tooth with that iron hook thingy.

Yeesh. That sumbitch set back the practice of dentistry 50 years. I didn't get another check up until Reagan was elected.

Most chilling words ever in a movie, the end of the scene where Hoffman has passed out from the pain, and Olivier looks to his bad-guy partner, and says "He really doesn't know".

Dayum.

Dfactor: Best Scary Villain - Dennis Hopper as Frank Booth in 'Blue Velvet' - still gives me the chills when I watch him....

Pirate: I gotta go with the evil clown from the movie IT. The movie sucked major ass, but that scary motherfucking evil clown looked exactly like the one that used to live in my basement, wanted to rip my arms off and feed them to me. I hate fucking evil clowns. I mean I hate evil fucking clowns.

Pennywise.jpgCullen: Bill Lumbergh from Office Space. The ultimate personification of the thoughtless corporate mentality and everything that can go wrong in the business community.

"Um, yeah."

Pat: My favorite evil villain of all time is Malificent, from Disney's Sleeping Beauty. She was tall, elegant, had the best frigging costume ever, had the creepy raven and the deformed side-kicks, terrorized the little fairy godmothers, whupped the Prince and could turn into a DRAGON!

Kristine, who came up with about 30 (here's the short list)
Lord Voldemort (Harry Potter series)
Simon Lagree (Uncle Tom's Cabin)
Nurse Ratched (One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest)
Annie Wilkes (Misery)
Scrooge (A Christmas Carol)
Long John Silver (Treasure Island)
Thenardier (Les Miserables)

Philbrick: Asami from Audition. Dude, she keeps her mutilated ex boyfriend in a burlap bag and feeds him her own barf. I used to hate dating. Now I fear it..

Tim Shaw: Hedley Lamar (Harvey Korman) in Blazing Saddles. “Kinky.”

A ton of others were mentioned including The Mooninites from ATHF, Lex Luthor, Brain, Nellie Oleson and Ryan Seacrest.

So who is your favorite villain?

March 16, 2007

El Ultimo Mecanografiar De La Noche

Editors Note: This is what used to be Group Late Night Typing. We've changed it to the more appropriate title of Trainwreck of Thought because, well, that's usually what these things are. They appear here every Friday, and it's basically all of the writers of FTTW talking about one topic.

It must be Friday. The day that most people ether re-examine their career choice or maybe what kind of beer will get them the most drunk for $4.73 (Pabst Blue Ribbon). Either way, it is Friday.

So with that like minded thinking, we decided to kick out the jammy jams for this week's topic and march into the weekend like shit runs down your leg on Sunday after a hard night of drinking:

The starting of the song that makes your nipples hard and your pubic hair salute when that first note hits.

Best opening to a song.

This can be the opening riff, or opening notes of any other kind or opening line, whatever. Has to be the very start of the song. An example would be the opening drum thing on VH's Hot For Teacher which has already been taken by one of the writers.

Ready?

Here we go...

Ian

I'm going to jump in immediately and steal an easy one: ACDC's Thunderstruck. The guitar riff itself is worth of adulation, and then the slow build with "thunder"..."thunder!"..."THUNDER!" is just the very soul of classic rock.

If you've never played that drinking game where you drink every time they say "thunder" in that song, I'll go ahead and tell you - I had a friend who died while trying to drink fast enough to keep up.

Ok, not really. It would make a cool story, though, eh?... Hey, Travis, do you want to play a drinking game?

vanhahft5007868424199660.jpgDave in Texas

Ritchie Blackmore on Smoke on the Water.

Ernie

Turbonegro - Locked Down. I like it when he goes, "Kick it Mr. Summers!"

I don't know why I like that part so much. I just do...

Pril

the intro to Faeries Wear Boots (yeah you gotta believe me). It gets called its own track and has its own name, but its an intro. If not that, then the intro to Pink Floyd's Money

Branden

I was going to go with the opening to Dark Side of the Moon, but I'll throw out a weird one: The People United will Never be Defeated! (36 variations on ¡El Pueblo Unido Jamas Sera Vencido! by Sergio Ortega) by Rzewski, especially the version by Marc Andre Hamelin. Just a beautiful piano piece with strength and thunder. Really gets you going and makes you want to start a peasant uprising.

Turtle

well, really for Turbonegro it would be the Age Of Pamparuis so it is not really an intro...more of a song.....but fuck you, I'll do it anyways

cause i am Turbojugend USA

After some soul-searching, I decided that while Turbonegro is ... OK, I've decided that the greatest opening song riff in history is the beginning of "Hit Me Baby One More Time" by the artiste, Britney Spears.

suck it, turtle. that's what you get for fucking with my post :) -bh


Bonnie

The first line of "Crazy" (I think that is the title) by Aerosmith...."come here baby"...makes me want to rip off my clothes and dance around a pole.

Kristine

The opening notes to Stompin' at the Savoyikilledsuperman.jpg


kali

bad brains intro on i against i

still winds me up

makes me look around the room for something tall to climb on and jump off of when i against i starts. seriously. it kicks off the fight or flight palpitations...

Pirate

I would have to go with the intro to Shine On You Crazy Diamond off of Delicate Sound Of Thunder. Doesn't get any better than that.

Michele

One of my choices would be Black Flag, No More...the slow, steady build up of the drum beats before the song kicks in is like your blood slowly pumping up for an adrenaline rush.

Several others:

Iron Man - Black Sabbath
How Soon is Now - The Smiths
Heartbreaker - Led Zeppelin
The River - NoMeansNo
Davidian - Machine Head

I should stop now.

(ed. note: We did ask for just one goddamn song)

Travis

"Rock n Roll Mcdonalds" by Wesley Willis

Any song written on a casio keyboard performed by a 400 pound black man who is an ex-inmate and mental patient with scitsophrenia is tops in my book

Paul

"Walk This Way" by Aerosmith. I don't know how you can get any better than that. In the animal world, when an aggressive male is ready to mate, he will often stomp the ground and make deep, throaty noises to prove his prowess. Unfortunately, humans lack distinctive plumage or giant horns, and if we were to run around a hot chick waving a tree branch and stamping the ground with our hand , we would be arrested or given pocket change by entertained passers-by. Fortunately, the opening of "Walk This Way" solves the evolutionary problem and provides man with the ability to effectively communicate that he is bad, and indeed, ready to fuck.

Johnny St. Clair

Ministry w/ Gibby - jesus built my hotrod

who wants to ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long?

hello?

Cullen

Fire by The Crazy World of Arthur Brown. Not the best song, but who can forget:

"I am the god of hell fire! And I bring you ... Fire!"

My second pick would be Dream Theater's Overture 1928 which is a 3 minute, 37 second intro to the entire album.

DFactor

Great choices! Fire! Overture 90218! Thunderstruck! All good ones.

My choices:

200px-ArthurBrownFire.jpg- Replacements - Bastards of Young - that opening guitar lick just makes me want to rip off my clothes and dance around a pole.

- Gary Glitter - Rock and Roll Part II - the drums....THE DRUMS...the shouts....THE SHOUTS!

- G & R - Welcome to the Jungle....that Slash...THAT GUITAR!

Philbrick

The opening drum beat and screechy guitar in Bela Lugosi Is Dead by Bauhaus. Shut up. I'm not goth.

Timmer

I'm with Ian on Thunderstruck. I get the freaking chills ever time I hear it.

The opening of Skateaway by Dire Straits. That backbeat and funky guitar build up makes me want to put on roller skates and chase that chick.

Michele, don't read further, I know you're going to hate this:

I think the opening of Hot Summer Nights off Bat Out of Hell by Meatloaf is absolutely brilliant and makes me giggle my fool ass off.

On a hot summer's night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red rose?
Yes.
I bet you tell that to all the boys.

Then BAM!! Pure teenage testosterone.

Baby Huey

ok, i thought of more songs i wanted to talk about.

(ed. note: You talked about one already?)

Slayer - Killing Fields. When Dave Lombardo starts in on that drum solo, you know someone's gonna get effed up by the end of the song.
Metallica - Battery. Not only is the guitar riff haunting and an eerie calm before the storm of the song, it's also a great intro to one of the greatest metal albums of all time.
Lamb of God - Now You've Got Something to Die For. What a killer riff. It stays with you for DAYS the first time you hear it.
In Flames - Dead God in Me. It's a great opening riff into a song with babies crying and women screaming. IT'S PERFECT.
Arch Enemy - Ravenous. I knew the first time I heard Angela Gossow make the sounds she makes with her voice that I wanted to be the one making her make them. And the beginning riff is awesome too.

(ed. note. You already talked about one)

Well, after digging through the email link that I was given, these are the choices that I pulled out. If I missed you, please forgive me cause there was a lot of jibber jabber going on in there and it is too early to decipher if you guys are fucking around or if those are your serious choices.

Either way...too much thinking this early in the morning make Turtle confused.

Anyways, those are our choices!

I think.

So what about you?

Any idea what song has the best opening?

Tell us.

Kick it Mr. Summers.....

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