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The Church of Football: Some Kinda Hate by Turtle Jones
Most hard-core football fans believe in the presence of a higher power, an omniscient, un-earthly force that watches over the game, it's players and it's fans. I am talking of course about the magnificent and all-powerful, Football Gods. At times they can be benevolent, other times, they can be cruel. They can make you jump for joy or they can lay the smack down on you and watch you squirm. They are wise, they are mighty, and chicks dig them in their old-school throwback football jerseys. [The Football Gods like to be buttered up, but they don't like a kiss-ass.] And with that, I bring you this weeks NFL post here at The End Zone. As with most deities, the Football Gods demand some kind of appeasement and sacrifice. Here are a few tips to help make The Football Gods happy and keep you in their good graces. - The Football Gods appreciate a good tail-gate. If you can't get to the game, do it at home. The Football Gods like to see lots and lots of meat being cooked on a large fire. The presence of alcohol, cigars and buffalo chicken wings pleases them. The Football Gods do not like to see too many vegetables, fruit or other healthy stuff at a tailgate, unless it's being used as a topping for your sausage sammitch or your triple-double bypass cheeze-a-ma-burger. - The Football Gods expect you to dress the part. The more team related clothing you can get on your body on game day, the better. Underwear, socks, t-shirts, team jerseys, you name it. The Football Gods especially like to see the old-school players jerseys represented with honor on people's backs. Loyalty will be rewarded, but don't wear - The Football Gods do not like a 'know it all' football fan, spewing predictions and making pronouncements about who's going to do what during the game. There is a difference between being knowledgeable and being obnoxious. Like pornography, you can't define it, but the Football Gods know it when they see it. - Anything can happen during a football game. That ball is made to bounce in all kinds of funny ways on purpose, so don't even think about making a guarantee about the outcome or a 'can't miss' prediction about something that you think might happen during the game, because if you do, you're almost guaranteed to get bitch-slapped by the Football Gods, just out of spite, because the Football Gods are like that. They are spiteful. Finally, The Football Gods will not tolerate any whining about the outcome of the game. They will generally grant you one or two days to get over a loss and let you get any bitching about it out of your system. After that, if your team lost, you deal with it, suck it up and look forward to next week. What's done is done. The Football Gods hate whiners. In the end, we are all just playthings to the Football Gods and we are at their mercy. They like to wind us up and see what we will do, but if you follow these tips, there's a good chance you'll keep the Football Gods happy with you, and they will look upon you favorably. Of course, all that being said, there are some things that are simply out of your control. If your team's head coach makes a bone-head decision during a game or if you wind up with Terrell Owens on your team, what are you going to do? At that point you're pretty much fucked because the Football Gods don't like bone-heads and they obviously hate T.O. Sorry Cowboys fans. Last but not least, The Football Gods are known to have a preference for whiskey over bourbon. At least that's been my experience. If you don't know the difference, well I hope you're a Jets fan... Now lets look at a few of this weeks games: Week 2 is the week of hate. Week 2 is the week of rivalries. We've got Buffalo at Miami, Cleveland at Cincy, the NY Giants at Philly, New England at The J-E-T-S, Kansas City at Denver... I'm rubbing my palms together in anticipation. There's some kinda love, and there's some kinda hate going on this week my friends. Are you psyched? These are the teams that you love to play against because you hate them so bad. These are the teams you especially want want to see your guys crush and destroy, but, at the same time, you love those guys because you hate them. Let's face it, without them, this shit would not be half as fun. Come on Philly fans, you gonna try and tell me you don't look forward to playing the Giants twice a year? Phhht. Yeah, sure. And I'm not hoping to see The Jets QB Chad Pennington curled up in a ball crying on the sidelines this afternoon because The Patriots all-pro defensive lineman, Richard Seymour, 'just won't leave him alone.' You might as well throw the records and the predictions out the window today because these games are going to be more like fights, not football games. It's rivalry weekend and I cant fucking wait till 1:00. Bring it on motherfuckers! The Football Gods like enthusiasm. Oh, and have a chili-dog, I've got jalapenos for ya! Misfits Some Kind of Hate Ernie writes daily about football and other stuff at Mr. B and W. You should check it out. UPDATE. A wager has been made between Ernie and Michele on the Pats/Jets game. The loser of the wager will have to write a four stanza poem on their love of the other team. The opposite team. Written with praise, not sarcasm. After the game is over, they shall write their poems, well really whenever they want to get around to it cause someone is gonna be crying and writing at the same time, and post it. Not in these comments, but in both FTTW and Mr. B and W as main submissions. I'm so mean. - T
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Don't tell me you're not looking at those match-ups and feeling the adrenaline pump into your veins. We're looking at some of the classic rivalries of the NFL this week and that makes for the best games. All of these teams know and hate each other so well. If you are a fan, these are the games that you have a circle around on
Stumble It!
Comments
I'm going to see if I can find my Joe Klecko jersey.
J-E-T-S-
JETS!
JETS!
JETS!
Posted by: michele | September 17, 2006 8:14 AM
While Cinci is our in-state rival, the vast majority of Browns' fans will say the biggest rivalry and team to hate is the Stoolers. The Pigeons, er, "Flying Rats" I mean Ravens rated right up there right after we came back, but since Art Gotohell left, they've fallen back in line. But I still dispise them - they're an opponent.
But I still like ya kali ;-)
Posted by: UnkFrank | September 17, 2006 8:29 AM
And I think the Football Gods would like this:
A fan believes his voice can change the momentum of a game.
A fan is miserable in defeat and intolerale in victory.
A fan believes in only one absolute - the fat lady.
A fan is like a parent, who loves you even when you stink.
A fan knows is isn't just a game.
A fan believes that every new game is a chance at redemption.
A single fan is worth a hundred spectators.
There's no fan like a FOOTBALL FAN!
Posted by: UnkFrank | September 17, 2006 8:32 AM
A fan believes his voice can change the momentum of a game.
Also, a fan believes that waving her arms in a certain direction can keep a ball from falling short of the goal posts.
Posted by: michele | September 17, 2006 8:47 AM
Nice one UnkFrank! Those are all 100% true.
Is it 4:00 yet? I love 4:00 football games. GO PATS
Posted by: Ernie | September 17, 2006 8:49 AM
Ernie, I think we need to place some kind of FTTW wager on this game today.
Posted by: michele | September 17, 2006 8:55 AM
The poor Giants. Had a hard loss last week to the Colts and this weekend, just to silence the critics who forget that McNabb is the most versitile QB in the league, they're gonna get it handed to them again.
South Philly loves Giants game day. But goddamn, we are looking forward to the game against Dallas.
By the way, Donte Stallworth. It's his year... Watch this kid close.
Posted by: thefinn | September 17, 2006 9:11 AM
Ernie, I think we need to place some kind of FTTW wager on this game today.
Gambling is illegal at FTTW.
and I never splice.
Posted by: the turtle | September 17, 2006 9:19 AM
GREAT POST, ERNIE!
i love it. how awesome. i love football. god how i love football. and i love the football gods. the great and merciful football gods.
is it 1:00 yet?
unkfrank.. agree to disagree.
Posted by: kali | September 17, 2006 10:17 AM
Hmmmmm. Making things interesting eh? Sounds like you have something in mind, so let's hear it!
Turtle, that is classic. You never 'splice'? Ha ha.
Posted by: Ernie | September 17, 2006 11:54 AM
By the way, I can tell Kali has had dealings with the great, wise and all-powerful Football Gods. She gets it!
Posted by: Ernie | September 17, 2006 11:56 AM
I didn't have anything specific in mind yet, but I'm sure we can come up with something before the game starts.
Posted by: michele | September 17, 2006 2:11 PM
I am willing to leave it up to the people in the comments to come up with something good, as long as it's 'fun' not 'ridiculous'. Like if the Pats lose, I'm not going to start rooting for the Jets for the remainder of the season...
Posted by: Ernie | September 17, 2006 3:42 PM
I think the loser should have to make a post with a haiku praising the other team.
Posted by: michele | September 17, 2006 3:45 PM
It's on!!
Posted by: Ernie | September 17, 2006 3:51 PM
By the way, I made football-shaped meatballs for the game... heh heh.
Posted by: Ernie | September 17, 2006 4:04 PM
I am the master of all FTTW bets
nothing goes on illegally here without my say in it
the bet has been changed
a four stanza poem about your love of the others team
each stanza will have will show passion and not sarcasm
I have spoken
do you accept?
Posted by: the turtle | September 17, 2006 4:16 PM
Gah.
I accept.
Jets better not let me down.
Posted by: michele | September 17, 2006 4:17 PM
I will accept this challenge. GO PATS
Posted by: Ernie | September 17, 2006 4:21 PM
AND
the loser has to post it here and on the others site
not in these comments
but in a seperate post
accept?
Posted by: the turtle | September 17, 2006 4:23 PM
By the way I have a 6 month old baby dressed up in Pats gear. The football gods love cute babies wearing football gear...
GO PATS
Posted by: Ernie | September 17, 2006 4:23 PM
Fine. I accept. Now stop changing this.
Ernie, I am naked accept for my NY Jets pasties.
The football gods like that better.
Posted by: michele | September 17, 2006 4:25 PM
I agree. NOW QUIT DISTRACTING ME THE GAME IS ON ;)
Posted by: Ernie | September 17, 2006 4:25 PM
then the bet is set then
/all i got is the rams on TV
//fuck
///i feel like a bookie thou, so that's kinda cool
Posted by: the turtle | September 17, 2006 4:27 PM
Boy, that Eagles came turned into a big disappointment, eh?? This is what complacency gets you, for those taking notes. UGH!!
Posted by: Amy | September 17, 2006 5:58 PM
*sharpens poem writing skills*
Posted by: michele | September 17, 2006 6:17 PM
This game is not over. I'm in 'pacing' mode right now...
Posted by: Ernie | September 17, 2006 6:32 PM
OH! This game is getting GOOD.
Posted by: michele | September 17, 2006 6:40 PM
UGH
Posted by: michele | September 17, 2006 7:18 PM
Holy crap. No gloating here since my heart stopped a few times there I think. Your team almost killed me. Actually, MY team almost killed me... but. anyway, I am willing to let you off the hook since that was a phenomenal game.
Bookie Turtle has the final say on this one...
Posted by: Ernie | September 17, 2006 7:27 PM
the wager was made
The wager was accepted
the wager still stands
michele shall write a poem about the how great the Pats are to post here and on mr. b and w
You have to realize that when you get into these things, there is a time when you will have to pay the piper
the piper wants his money
The wager stands
Posted by: the turtle | September 17, 2006 7:35 PM
really good game though, michele... seriously great second effort.
was this the battle of the hot quarterbacks or what???
Posted by: kali | September 17, 2006 8:20 PM
Defintely a good game. I love them exciting like that.
Brady wins the hot QB contest. Pennington is too frat boy looking for my taste.
Posted by: michele | September 17, 2006 8:34 PM
Ow. Crap fourth quarter defense.
Giants win. finn has crow for dinner. Next week...
Fucking heartbreak town, this is....
Posted by: thefinn | September 17, 2006 8:46 PM
Lots of good games again this week. When I see the out of town scores I have people to attach the teams to now, and that's pretty cool.
I gotta give it up to Kali's Ravens for beating the snot out of the Raiders.
I saw the Philly / NY score and thought, ouch. Finn's gonna be pissed.
I was also rooting for K.C. to beat Denver. Close but no cigar.
Posted by: Ernie | September 17, 2006 9:10 PM
ernie i was thinking the same thing! now that i have people to associate with teams, it makes it way more interesting to watch.
i would have watched that second game with a very low gaf* factor if it weren't for you two.
*give a fuck
Posted by: kali | September 18, 2006 8:43 AM
GAF. I like that, especially here in the land of acronysyms.
Consider GAF to be officially stolen.
Posted by: Ernie | September 18, 2006 9:20 AM
can't steal from a thief... heh.
Posted by: kali | September 18, 2006 9:44 AM