uh… *beat*… uh. ok, back now, sorry.

ok, so the point is that threesomes are a lot harder than they sound. in theory? perfect! in practice? something always gets fucked up.

cases in point:

my first threesome experiment was in the shower at my parent's house when i was somewhere around 17. me and my best friend at the time and another guy (i think he was my boyfriend's friend) were trashed and just decided to go for it. in the bathroom, then in the shower, lots of wasted kissing and rubbing but no real penetration. i mean who could concentrate with my boyfriend knocking on the door asking what was going on? bummer.

the second attempt was much closer but still not good. i was at the local show house and there was an out of town band roster. (read: just another night in the 90's) the lead singer in one of the bands was a real hottie. i mean, whatever, i thought he was cute. and they were from hawaii. dude. hawaii. and he had those clear blue eyes. mmmmmmmmmmmmm. also at the time they were a three piece. and three pieces are hot. it means the singer has to do something besides stand there and look pretty. and generally they're a lot tighter. heh.

so after the set, i was chatting him up. and so was this other tramp. now, normally i would just walk away. chicks like me do NOT fight over guys. fuck that. there are PLENTY to go around and i'm not bruising my fragile ego by NOT GETTING CHOSEN. but this guy was really good at keeping us both on the line. i mean, i think he'd done this before. so at some point it is suggested that the three of us go back to "her place." and by then it is pretty clear what's about to happen. i'm wasted, she's not horrible looking, but a little fatter than me which is perfect. so fuck it, i go "all in." so i drive us all back to her house. and they're all over each other on the way there. it's not very far, but i'm definitely the driver and she's the winner.

we get to her pad and head for the shower. he's sweaty, just played a set. shower's always fun. and damn is it ever fun. me kissing her, him kissing us. lots of touching, actual penetration, the whole nine. fun fun fun til daddy takes the t-bird away.

problem is that at some point i brat out. no one's paying enough attention to me. HELLO??? ME. over HERE?!?

what i mean to say is that the dude was the "guest star." not me. and i didn't like that. so i left. right in the middle of the whole thing i left. i made some excuse about having to go do something and i left the shower got my clothes and rolled.

who knows if they even noticed. who knows if dude got back to his band. though it looks like he did because they seem pretty successful these days.

(i spent all night last night trying to remember the name of the band. it came to me this morning and sure enough. he's definitely hot)so that's how i learned the three piece lesson. years later kim cattrall would nail it on sex and the city. threesomes are only good if you're the "guest star." you fly in, get all the attention, then leave them to sort out the wreck.

years later i would have the PERFECT threesome. but that is, perhaps, a story for another day…

Kali writes daily at Kalipornia Sux