My family keeps asking me what I want for Christmas. The things I want, they can't give me. They either can't afford them or just can't work those kind of miracles. I really don't know what I want. When I'm pressured with a question like that, be it my birthday or Christmas, I just shrug and ask for world peace. Or a strap-on. Either one leaves them blinking at me.

Instead of hurting my brain trying to come up with a list of things I want for Christmas this year, I've come up with a list of things I don't want. That should make it pretty easy for those buying me gifts. Just take a look at this list, make a mental note of what's here and buy me anything but.

1. The Octodog.

It's not a dildo. It's not a vibrator. It's not a really kinky way of acting on your animated hot dog character fantasies.

It's just a marketing tool to make parents feel guilty about using a regular old knife and fork to cut up their hot dogs.

If you buy me one of these, I will use it to turn your penis into an octopussy. If you don't have a penis, I will just beat you to death with frozen hot dogs.

2. Spaghetti ice cream maker (see also lasagna, asparagus ice cream makers)

This must be one of those things they advertise on tv at 3am to really stoned people. Someone is buying this thing. I want to know who. Who on god's green earth would buy something to turn ice cream into shapes? Not just shapes, but fucking asparagus? WTF? Here kids, I know how much you hate dessert, so I made your ice cream look like a vegetable. Served with eggs. Raw eggs. This is like the opposite of the vegetable flavored french fries they had when I was a kid.

Gets my vote for most useless kitchen gagdet ever.

3. . An umbrella hat

I swear on everything that is holy, if you ever buy me one of these things, I will take it and stab you in the face with it. More than once. Until you bleed out.

Why do people purchase gifts like this? It's one of those things you just don't assume someone will like or use. Is it a gag gift? When you open something like this do you think, "gee I wonder if Aunt Mary really loves me and doesn't want to see me struggling with grocery packages while trying to keep dry," or do you think "gee, Aunt Mary must really fucking hate me and wants me to look like an idiot. Guess she never got over the time I had sex with her poodle."

4. Crust cutter.

This gadget makes me weep for humanity. This is the height of laziness. Use a fucking knife, ok? And stop making your kids think that food should be fun in order to be eaten. Stop turning sandwiches into shapes and meatloafs into cupcakes and mashed potatoes into sculputres of famous Greek statues. Ok? I know, you're a creative mom. You're artistic. You cry yourself to sleep at night knowing that your talents are going to waste on a couple of kids who don't appreciate that you can make a plate broccolli look like a topiary of characters from the Wizard of Oz. You could have done better. You should have listened to people when they told you a liberal arts degree was a waste of time. Computer Science was where it was at, but you thought being a starving artist was romantic. Look at you now. Cutting crusts off of bread for two midgets who piss their pants and throw peas in your face and don't appreciate your efforts to teach them shapes through organic peanut butter and banana sandwiches (this rant may or may not be personal).

6. vacuum cleaner

Goes without saying, no?

7. tshirts with clever sayings

Yea, yea. I know. My mom says hi. Your girlfriend is out of town. If I can read this I'm too close. You love beer, tits, you're horny and you have a funny drinking problem.

I don't care. Just because you think these tshirts are the ultimate in fashion sense and/or humor doesn't mean everyone else in the world does. In fact, the only other people who think your tshirts are charming are wearing the same ones. Notice I'm not.

8. donate money to charity in my name

Don't do this. Please. Don't. First of all, I don't want my name on the mailing list for Mother Anne's Toy Hospital and Pyramid Scheme, Incorporated. Second, your favorite charity may not be mine. If you're going to donate to the Rev. Phelps or the Moonies or Save the WB Channel or the KKK, I'd rather you didn't do it in my name. And I know my relatives. Some of this is quite possible.

If this is something you want to do as a gift, finding out a little bit about the person before you do this may be a necessary step. Then you will know that I would rather my money go to the Home for Aging Porn Stars than the Let's Throw Bombs at Abortion Clinics charity.

9. porn

Porn is a delicate thing. You can't be too sure what someone will like. Unless you've been sleeping with them. Just because you saw Barnyard Babes Volume 6 in my VCR doesn't mean I actually enjoyed it. I was testing it out. For research. For FTTW. I swear.

And really, sitting around with your family on Christmas morning while the yule log burns away on tv and Silent Night plays softly in the background is not the time nor place to be opening up a DVD Special Edition copy of Big Trouble in Little Vagina.

(If you insist on buying me porn, stick to the classics. Nothing says Merry Christmas quite like Marilyn Chambers on a pool table.)

10. A unicycle.

Don't make me explain this one, ok? Just imagine a wrong turn in Florida, circus clowns, mescaline, two quarts of cheap vodka and someone saying "watch what I can do!" Christmas is not the time for memories like that.

11. 17 inch latex vulture.

File under, maybe I do not want. Maybe I do. Jury is out. Something about this says "not a Christmas present." Yet something says "this would be mighty fun to open in front of some little kids."

And there's my list. So what's on your DO NOT WANT list?

Michele was creatively inpsired by both DR and Baby Huey for this article.

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