Why I Love Pro-Wrestling
by Travis Gruber
For those of you who know me personally this article should come as no surprise. To those of you who don’t know me: I love Pro-Wrestling. I like Pro-Wrestling more than I like any other sport. Hell I’ve downloaded more wrestling on my computer than porno. But before we move on to the whys and hows I want to make one thing perfectly clear: the next person who tells me that wrestling is fake is going to get stabbed. I know it’s fake you fuckhole, I’m not six years old. But I’d like to reveal something to you as well. Every god damned TV show that you watch, obsessively, is also fake. Days of Our Lives is about fictional characters and you watch it because they’re all disgustingly rich, snotty, whores who bitch about how hard it is to be rich whores. I’m going to assume that you’re not a rich whore and, therefore, watch this program to pretend that you are. Jack Bauer is not a real person. He’s not keeping the world safe from terrorists. In reality it’s Keifer Sutherland and now that he’s not coked out of his mind people in Hollywood are willing to work with him again. Shit, just to rub salt in the wound I’m going to go out on a limb and say that American Idol and Survivor are also planned and plotted to give the perception of reality. Yet everyone still watches that shit like it’s the motherfucking gospel. Why? Because it’s entertaining. So is wrestling but most people can’t look past the fact that it’s scripted to enjoy the entertainment portion.
The second thing that you need to understand is that wrestling is not truly “fake”. Yes it’s scripted and the outcome is predetermined but it’s not fake, it’s controlled. Yeah the punches and kicks are fake but the big moves, the suplexes, the chair shots, being thrown through a table, those are controlled. That’s one of the reasons that the wrestlers are gym rats and hopped up on 'roids, growth hormones, and elephant testosterone. You’ve got be in good shape in order to pull off the impressive moves that gets the crowds attention. Sure you can fake being punched but there’s no way to fake being thrown through a table that’s on fire. You make one mistake and you can royally fuck someone up. Here’s an animated picture of a guy being thrown through a flaming table correctly.
And here’s a picture of Spike Dudley being thrown through a table incorrectly.
The main difference is the fact that the guy being thrown through the flaming table came out FINE. Spike Dudley, on the opposite side of the coin, almost ended up with a broken neck. Fake that shit naysayers!
You also have to understand why wrestling is scripted, controlled, fake…whatever you want to call it. There’s a reason that big boxing matches and UFC bouts only happen once a month. You get the shit kicked out of you. Now imagine going through one of those types of fights once a week. It wouldn’t happen and you would last about a year… if you’re the luckiest son of a bitch on earth. Figure that the average career of a football player is ten to fifteen years, barring serious injuries. A boxer can have an extensive career, if you want to end up like Muhammad Ali, and by that I mean lacking the ability the tie your shoes. However wrestlers, even with the physically tasking career and being thrown around like a rag doll, can have lengthy careers. Hogan’s in his fifties and still wrestles; Ric Flair and Terry Funk are in their sixties and still do hardcore matches where they are thrown off of ladders onto thumbtacks and hit in the face with a board wrapped in barbed wire.
Wrestlers are stronger, more athletic and more entertaining than every other professional athlete. Pro-Sports players are a bunch of fucking pussies. Wrestlers go into a match expecting to get hurt. They know that it’s going to happen and hope that if they do get hurt it happens in an entertaining and big way. Hell, almost every match in which a wrestler bleeds is because they’ve actually cut themselves with a razor blade. One little knee injury will put a baseball or football player out for the rest of their career. Wrestlers, on the other hand, suffer seemingly career ending injuries semi-regularly yet continue to ply their craft. Here’s an animated picture of a botched spot; this resulted in Sabu breaking his neck. This one hurts just to watch.
Sabu, unlike the flock of sissies in the NFL is STILL on the active roster and wrestles every week. That’s right; this man broke his neck and is still wrestling. So have Kurt Angle, Edge, and Chris Benoit. Ric Flair was the sole survivor of a plane crash, and doctors said he would never even walk again, let alone wrestle. A year later he was back in the ring, and that was over a decade ago. Ric Flair, just like Sabu, still wrestles on the active roster. Ask any baseball player what the worst moment of their career is and they will mention a time that they got hurt. Ask Mick Foley what he’s most remembered for, or what the highlight of his career is and he’ll tell you about the time that he was thrown off of a twenty foot high cage and through the announcers table.
That move alone broke his nose and pushed two of his teeth through his upper lip…AND HE FINISHED THE FUCKING MATCH. Let’s see a hockey player pull that shit off.
Every game played in professional sports are exactly the same; the only thing that varies is the outcome. The rules never change, the variables never change and thusly it’s boring. If you want get my attention, National Basketball Association, let’s have a NBA playoff cage match. Change the rules up every now and then, make the games more interesting. I’m sure football can be a grueling game but how much more interesting and physically challenging would it be if the super bowl were to be contested with NO HOLDS BARRED. Sure, Jerry Rice was a great running back, but would he have been the same caliber of athlete if he had to dodge clotheslines and steel chairs? Fuck No. But you never know what to expect in pro-wrestling. Years ago the steel cage was the most daunting arena for a wrestling match but now we’ve got the Elimination Chamber, Punjabi Prison Matches, Ultimate X, and Lethal Lockdown. The possibilities for different ways for matches to be held is endless, but sadly the arena for other professional sports is stagnate. Shit could we even try mixing up some of the rules? Maybe a short stop who can tackle a base runner would liven up the MLB. The chances of seeing that are very unlikely.
While we’re on the subject of pro-sports being boring: why the fuck are they barring steroids from baseball? Part of the entertainment of baseball is someone who can hit the long-ball. Homerun competitions and players that can hit homeruns are what puts fans in the seats of baseball stadiums. Sure Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, and Barry Bonds were all on the juice but what the fuck do you care? You went to a baseball game to watch people hit balls with sticks. How is it you give two shits about what causes them to hit the ball farther? You’re watching grown men play a child’s game, and getting paid more money than they deserve. I not only expect most of the wrestlers I watch to be taking drugs, I practically encourage it. I don’t want to watch two guys who are my size wrestle because it’s not believable, nor is it interesting. If, in order for the wrestlers to do the big moves that entertain the shit out of, they need to take pain killers, steroids, monkey brain stems and the souls of little children…so be it. AJ Styles is one of the most entertaining wrestlers because he does some of the craziest, most acrobatic, high flying, risk taking moves in pro-wrestling today. He’s said, in interviews, that he’s in pain a lot of the time and that he has to take pain killers in order to function. Do I think that he shouldn’t be taking these pills because they may not be prescribed to him? Do I think that he should be forced out of the sport because he sometimes needs drugs to function? FUCK NO! I’m watching wrestling in order to see these guys do things that I can not. If pro-sports let their big players do drugs I think the games would be more entertaining. For those of you having trouble with this concept here’s a comedic strip to help you understand.
The other thing that wrestling has that pro-sports lacks is sex appeal. Sure football has their cheerleaders and basketball, baseball and hockey have…well Canseco’s wife (or ex-wife) would probably fuck me for a dollar, but other than that, there’s no sex appeal to professional sports. Wrestling, on the other hand, practically home brews whores. There used to be a divide in wrestling for women. You could be mildly attractive and have skill and be a female wrestler or you could be really attractive, vapid and be a valet (someone who escorts the wrestler to the ring and basically arm candy). These days however the WWE has gone completely the opposite direction and decided to fill their female locker room with whores, with no wrestling talent, but HUGE fake tits. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love The Whores and I’m a big fan of fake tits but I think it may have gone too far. Almost every female wrestler on the roster of any wrestling on TV has been in Playboy or done Cinemax soft-core porno. Not that its bad thing but sometimes, people who think the over use of whores is just too much, there’s a back lash. I’m a huge fan of the hot, vapid chicks who can’t wrestle like Candice Michelle and Christy Hemme, but I’ve grown really tired of how much TV time they get, which is why this picture is one of my recent favorite TV wrestling moments.
The Sandman, a veteran of the wrestling business, who is probably sick and fucking tired of the fact that whores like this get more time on television than actual wrestlers, canes Kelly Kelly. Her sole role in the new ECW is to be an exhibitionist. That’s right; she’s on a wrestling TV show because she likes taking her clothes off. Let’s see basketball do that.
Wrestling is a combination, a conglomerate, of every major form of entertainment. Granted they may be on the low end of the scale in things like acting ability but they provide a show in which almost every taste can be sated. I’ve already proven that they have athletic ability which makes other sports pale in comparison. They’ve got art, in the forms of the designs for the wrestlers, sets and logos, as well as all of the trappings of live theater. Obviously they’re not going to put on a rousing rendition of “The Sound of Music” but they perform live, with no editing, in front of a new audience every week. Eventually, in live theater, you know your lines and there’s no real risk of screwing up. But when you have to improvise every week and still manage to pull it off; that’s talent. Not to mention the fact that each and every wrestler has entrance music. While this may seem miniscule to some, you have to understand that where once there was one guy writing all of the wrestler’s themes, now major label bands write the songs. Stone Cold’s entrance was performed by Disturbed. Motorhead does two separate songs for Triple H. And each and every Pay Per View has at least one theme song, usually performed live by the band, like Limp Bizkit at Wrestlemania 19 or P.O.D at Wrestlemania 22. Live music, live theater, athleticism and art this is one of the only venues you will see all of these things at once.
Some of you are probably saying something to the effect of, “You’re a fuckin’ faggot dude. You like watching grown men in spandex wrestle around with each other. Why don’t you watch what real men watch: Ultimate Fighting?” Well fucko, I have a lot of respect for the UFC fighters but it’s not nearly as interesting as wrestling. The last UFC PPV that I watched had a match that had a huge build up and it lasted about 45 seconds and the main event on the card was five rounds of the fighters not hitting each other. What the fuck is that shit? In wrestling if the match has a lot of build up you’re going to get a match worth the wait. If it’s main event time you’re going to get what you bought the Pay Per View for (this conjecture is obviously based on the fact that Vince McMahon will eventually die and quit booking himself into high profile angles). And as far as calling me a faggot for watching wrestling instead of UFC you are obviously failing to see how much pro-wrestling has affected the UFC. They’ve taken a page out of the wrestling hand book because now they have entrance music, pyro, and video screens for their fighters. And one of UFC’s most treasured franchises, Ken Shamrock, the man who has been the UFC champ on more than one occasion…was a pro-wrestler. So go ahead and call me a fag while you waste your money on crappy Pay Per Views as you, also, watch half naked sweaty men grapple with each other.
I know that, after going back and re-reading this, it’s a miracle that I found a woman willing to marry me. I know that pro-wrestling is generally considered juvenile but it’s one of the only things I watch on TV because I know what I’m getting when I see the WWE or TNA logo. I don’t have to sift through shitty stories written by people who are looking for existentialism on a TV screen. Sometimes I am just looking for entertainment, and that’s what makes wrestling better than other sports, it’s just downright entertaining. It entertains me so much that at one point in time I was actually training to be a pro-wrestler.
Travis once tried a piledriver on his high school English teacher. She countered with a flying clothesline.