A week or two ago I mentioned a movie called Fear No Evil, an early 80’s movie about Satan in high school and I caught myself thinking about the first time I saw it. I was about 11 or 12 years old, I guess, and my Dad was in the next room. I’d only rented the movie because it was about Satan and it had a good soundtrack, but somehow my very religious Dad overheard Johnny Rotten say that he was an Antichrist. He came into the living room to see what I was watching, just in time for the scene where a guy pulls his pants down and runs after his girlfriend in the high school boiler room. Dad made me turn it off. No smut in his house, no sir.

The first time I saw My Bloody Valentine, I was only about ten. I fell asleep from boredom. Thinking I’d missed out, I watched it again a few years ago. Nope, it still sucked.

The first time I saw The Exorcist, I was at my friend’s Halloween party (Dad said it would never be shown in his house, so I was stoked that I was getting a chance to finally watch it). The host’s mom had prizes for the best costume and I thought I had it made, dressed like a Hare Krishna. But I lost to a kid dressed up as Adolf fucking Hitler. That was weird because…. well, we weren’t as politically correct back then but it was a really detailed costume. The kid deserved to win the prize, it was definitely the best costume, but it was fuckin Hitler. Shit dude. Why would you work so hard on a Hitler costume? It really looked like he spent a lot of time and money on that thing. Looked like he enjoyed wearing it too. Yeesh.

The first time I saw The Shining, I was snowed in at a cabin in the middle of nowhere too. That was just a little weird.

The first time I saw Nightmare On Elm Street 4, I was at my friend’s newly built house. His parents had won a pretty decent amount in the lottery so they’d recently moved. All night long the guy was bragging about how nice the house was and how his family was rich now and who wants to see the Jacuzzi in the main bathroom? He really pissed me off that night, acting like a frigging douche. Then a few years later I heard that his parents divorced. Guess they had to sell that house. Fuck ‘em anyway, he wouldn’t shut up and I missed half the movie. I don’t care about your fuckin hot tub, and yes you’re better than me, now just shut up will ya?

The first time I saw Prom Night 2, it was at the theatre with my first serious girlfriend. We’d been going out for about four months, man, it was crazy. Never thought I’d get tied down like that. Anyway, we hardly saw any of the movie because we were busy making out and doing the stuff that horny kids sometimes do in the movie theatre (playing with each other’s genitals). And she’d started her period that evening without realizing it, and we both got blood on our clothes. The situation reminded me of a kid in my class who once got caught picking his nose and eating it when his pen leaked ink and left the evidence. It was obvious what we’d been up to. I had a couple of big red smears on my jeans from wiping my hand off, and a few more on my shirt from when I wiped the popcorn butter off – I tried not to think about that too much. She had bloodstains too, mostly on and about the crotch of her pants. Maybe a little on her shirt. I was just happy that everyone had to walk in the same direction to get out of the theatre and didn’t look at the front of us. Of course, we then had to decide between getting the bus home or calling one of our parents for a ride. We walked.

The first time I saw Hellraiser 2, I was tripping on acid. The acid was good. The movie was good. Both of them together resulted in one of those trips that really walks a tightrope over the abyss. One of the guys there wasn’t on acid, he was just smoking dope, so he ordered a pizza. Great, now I’m tripping and watching people get ripped the fuck apart and I’m trying not to get completely lost in the metaphysical complexities and possibilities of a goddamn box and somebody’s going to put a smelly pizza in front of me? Now I gotta deal with that? Do you realize how the contents of that pizza box is reminding me of the contents of the victims in the movie? Funny enough though, I tasted the pizza and it was fine. Didn’t taste like people at all. Just tasted like pizza on acid. Which was useless.

Dan is, to this day, still confused about what a vagina is.

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