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Speak At Your Own Risk by Michele Christopher
Baby Huey steps away from the stove and puts you on the hot seat I'll admit, I'm generally a pretty angry guy. Put me behind a guy going two miles per hour under the speed limit, and my blood pressure goes through the roof. I hit a bug at work that I can't figure out? I will put my head through my desk. God help me if you make me listen to yet another tech support retard that insists on following a problem diagnosis script AFTER I've told them exactly what's wrong. By and large, I seethe with rage, but I keep it bottled up. This wouldn't be much of an article, though, if I left it at that. There is one seemingly innocuous thing that will set me off. Words. There are certain words and phrases that make me wish for nothing less than the slow, violent, preferably messy death of the person who uttered them. Let's take a look at a few of them now. Keep in mind that this hatred is completely irrational. I cannot be responsible for logical, reasoned arguments here. Please also note that much of this hatred could be a result of my desperately needing to get laid. I'm not sure. Corporate Buzzwords
I'm not opposed to lazy people. I'm one of the laziest motherfuckers on the planet. But if you can't muster up the energy to squeeze out an extra syllable or two through your faceanus, or type those extra 3 characters, you've given up on life. Come on, you can try it. Chillax? Crunk? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??? Special sub-category: Portmanteaux involving TV or movies. They should have done a Schoolhouse Rock about these types of words. That's a song I'd remember. Inflammatory Political Monikers Opinions are like assholes: Everyone's got one, and your mom's was full of my cock last night.
I'm gonna find the first guy who ever said "pwn" in a way that was neither ironic nor a typo, and I'm going to storm that castle of suck he calls a head, one orifice at a time. Similarly, the fact that I have people at work -- people in their 40s, people with Ph.D.s, people who make well over 150,000 dollars a year -- saying "ur" and "r u doing this?" to me makes me want to live in Charlton Heston's future where old people are killed and converted into a nutrient-rich food so they can actually be of some use to society. I sincerely mean that. Remember what I said earlier about vocabulary generators? If you can be translated from English using only Javascript (see here) then guess what? You're not a fucking language.
The day I see a polkacore album is the day the seventh seal is broken, and all I hear are women wailing and men gnashing their teeth. And detuned accordian with double bass drum.
Ohhhh, I get it. You're proud of where you're from. Maybe a rapper did a song about it, or you've got a TV show about your town. That's pretty cool. Hold on, I'll be right back. I've got a phone call from Nobody Fucking Cares. Hey, Shut the Fuck Up is on the other line. I think it's for you. Can I have you call them back?
Baby Huey is 1337!
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Seriously people, what is this? Not every word needs to have four or five syllables. Toleration is the worst. What the fuck is so wrong with tolerance? It's one letter shorter, and it's been around MUCH longer. Why do you make me hate? Any vocabulary that has its own generator (No, 
Stumble It!
Comments
Baby Huey is 1337!
I'm going to find a way to make you pay for this.
Posted by: baby huey | December 8, 2006 7:14 AM
The word guesstimate turns my hands into fists.
Posted by: Dan | December 8, 2006 7:44 AM
Slang Terms for your Hometown
Every time someone says "Strong Island", I get that much closer to dropping a bomb on this whole place.
Posted by: michele | December 8, 2006 7:47 AM
as a general rule, anyone who said sactown, the city, frisco, or any other variations on northern california cities werent from there.
Posted by: turtle | December 8, 2006 8:03 AM
"words themselves are innocuous, it is the consensus that gives them true power" -- gloria naylor
(i'm feeling pretty deep today)
Posted by: kali | December 8, 2006 9:37 AM
Opinions are like assholes: Everyone's got one, and your mom's was full of my cock last night.
bwahahaha holy crap that's funny.
Posted by: kali | December 8, 2006 9:38 AM
i've taken a solemn vow never to date a man that types "lol"
i also hate "win-win" "think outside the box" "so we're on the same page" "that being said" uh.. let's see i have more...
"deliverables" (what the fuck is THAT about???) and "quasi-anything"
Posted by: kali | December 8, 2006 9:43 AM
They love to use those corporate terms here. I often string them together just to see if anybody notices how ridiculous they are. Sadly few people ever get it...
I dont think I have enough bandwith for this. I'll see if I have some cycles later because I don't want a lot of churn right now. Lets take this offline. I'll ping you later. Peel the onion.
Posted by: Ernie | December 8, 2006 9:58 AM
even quasimoto?
cause he was cool...
Posted by: turtle | December 8, 2006 9:59 AM
So true, kali. But it does go to show the staggering douchery of some people who feel the need to say them.
Posted by: baby huey | December 8, 2006 10:05 AM
ERNIE I AM BLEEDING FROM THE EARS THANK YOU!!!
(um turtle quasimoto was the OG so he stays)
Posted by: kali | December 8, 2006 10:06 AM
well thats good.
i would feel silly saying "I'm gonna get all quasimoto on your ass" if the 'moto man stopped being old school
Posted by: turtle | December 8, 2006 10:08 AM
uh you don't feel silly saying that now?
Posted by: kali | December 8, 2006 10:09 AM
I stumped the corporate trainer by asking him if "thinking outside the box" wasn't just the new box?
I mean, if we're all outside the box, doesn't that mean we're in a new one?
Posted by: Zarba | December 8, 2006 10:10 AM
And yes, I did quit that job soon after...
Posted by: Zarba | December 8, 2006 10:10 AM
And let me add:
"Plant Material" by gardeners.
Their plants, OK? Just plants.
Posted by: Zarba | December 8, 2006 10:12 AM
And what not. I hate it when people say this...it's like trying to sound intelligent but all you really want to say is yada yada...face it...you aren't intelligent.
Posted by: Andrea | December 8, 2006 10:24 AM
Damn. I use what-not sometimes. I will have to start thinking outside the box and eat my own dog-food.
I think we need more granularity in this discussion. Lets try to go for the low-hanging fruit and see if we can get more traction here. We can take it offline because I'm wasting a lot of cycles here.
Posted by: Ernie | December 8, 2006 10:34 AM
damn
i say "since that is neither here nor there right now"
gotta stop that
and "be that as it may"
hmmmm. gotta stop that.
Posted by: turtle | December 8, 2006 10:39 AM
I always say whatnot.
I'm a low hanging fruit!
Posted by: michele | December 8, 2006 10:56 AM
You forgot 'value-added'.
Posted by: Stephanie | December 8, 2006 11:12 AM
value enhanced
Posted by: turtle | December 8, 2006 11:14 AM
You forgot 'value-added'.
YOU FORGOT MY WRATH BITCH
Posted by: baby huey | December 8, 2006 11:14 AM
Spunk on face is just one of the many value-added services Baby Huey offers.
Posted by: Stephanie | December 8, 2006 11:21 AM
like baby huey gets laid...
Posted by: turtle | December 8, 2006 11:28 AM
I mean, if we're all outside the box, doesn't that mean we're in a new one?
So, life is essentially like those Russian nesting dolls ? Every time we get out of the box, we end up in a bigger one ?
Vitamin-Enriched, Fresh Frozen and Emergin Technologies all get on my nerves.
Posted by: thefinn | December 8, 2006 11:29 AM
I also have a wide array of pearl necklaces for sale.
Posted by: baby huey | December 8, 2006 11:29 AM
This really is 'a target rich environment'... ha ha ha!
PEEL THE ONION!
Posted by: Ernie | December 8, 2006 12:13 PM
oh i could take up lines and lines and lines about this particular subject. The one that makes me want to choke someone until their eyes pop out of their head the MOST is a language construction problem. When someone says, or types something like "My floor needs swept". People. Please. For your own safety, it's my floor NEEDS TO BE SWEPT or my floor NEEDS SWEEPING. goddamnit. You sound like a fucking retard when you use that construction, and if you use it around me, i will treat you like the fucking retard you sound like.
Posted by: pril | December 8, 2006 12:38 PM
I am currently selling a dynamic solution module to improve your company's teamwork potential. Gak.
Posted by: Philbrick | December 8, 2006 12:38 PM
It doesn't even have to be a word for me. Misplaced apostrophe's, like that one right there. So basic to remember. So painful to me.
Posted by: Dan | December 8, 2006 12:46 PM
Misplaced apostrophe's
That is such a huge pet peeve for me. I won't even shop at a store that uses misplaced apostrophes.
TOMATO'S ON SALE!
Ugh.
Posted by: michele | December 8, 2006 1:03 PM
Even worse are the ones who use quote marks for emphasis. Every day as a teenager, I had to drive by a farm with a sign advertising '"Eggs" for Sale'
... I didn't even WANT to know what they were trying to pass for eggs.
Posted by: baby huey | December 8, 2006 1:26 PM
Ha! Now that you mention it, Michele, I hate the term pet peeve. I love my pets, I hate my peeves. I will not treat my peeve like a pet, and if my pet peeves me, well I just tell her she's a bad dog.
But I do enjoy how the term bothers me, so maybe it's accurate after all.
Am I still talking about this?
Posted by: Dan | December 8, 2006 1:26 PM
What a ginormous discussion. And what not.
Posted by: Kory | December 8, 2006 2:20 PM
well, what can i say. I was a medical transcriptionist for 10 years-
Your Language Arts Grade: 100%
Way to go! You know not to trust the MS Grammar Check and you know "no" from "know." Now, go forth and spread the good word (or at least, the proper use of apostrophes).
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Posted by: pril | December 8, 2006 2:26 PM
k i just thought of another...
in baltimore sometimes people say "blasé blasé" when they mean blah blah blah
"she was all like i had your boyfriend calling my name and blasé blasé"
Posted by: kali | December 8, 2006 2:29 PM