Ten Quick Questions with Screenwriter Craig Mazin
by Michele Christopher

1. Who are you?

Craig Mazin. I write movies and such.

2. Zombies - undead monstosity or the next logical step in human evolution ?

Undead monstrosity. Don't get ironic with me, bub.

3. Young Elvis or Fat Elvis?

Didn't I just say that I hate irony? Young Elvis all the way.

hsw.jpg 4. If you were a superhero, what would your name be?

The Hot Swedish Woman Magnet. My power would be attracting hot Swedish women, but my weakness would be my own name, which implies that I am a Hot Swedish Woman who is also a magnet. This would lead to mass confusion, which I would deal with when I wasn't banging hot Swedish women.

5. You are the last man on earth, and it is your job to perpetuate the human race, whether you like it or not. Your choice of potential mates is between Wonder Woman, the Bionic Woman, Super Girl or Hilary Clinton. Which one do you choose?

Not Super Girl, because my sperm would be instantly killed by the radioactive plasma lube her vagina produces. Not Hillary Clinton, for the same reason. Not Wonder Woman, because it's patently obvious that after three sessions of lovemaking, she'd get bored and start pegging me with some Amazonian truth dildo, and I've had enough of that in my life.

Bionic Woman it is.

6. What was your first car?

A '89 Toyota Corolla SR-5. Vroom!

7. If you were going to show me around your city/town, where's the first place you would take me?

Probably Descanso Gardens. I don't know if you like flowers and shit, but if you do, they have many acres of them, and it's probably the most famous place in my town.

8. What's the last album you bought?

The Black Parade from My Chemical Romance. "Mama" is the song of the

9. Do you have an arch enemy? Would you like one?

There are a lot of people who really hate me, so what I do is...oooh, should I tell you? This is a great life tip if people hate you. Mmm, okay, I'll tell you. What I do is, I keep making more and MORE people hate me every year, so if someone says, "Grrr, I hate you!" then I can say, "Oh, great! Have you met so and so? He just started hating
me." Once you hit fifty or sixty haters, dealing with any single one of them is almost pleasant.

sm4.jpg 10 What's the title of the movie they are going to make about your
teenage years?

Enough With The Masturbating


Craig Mazin is the cowriter of the hit comedies Scary Movie 3 and Scary Movie 4. He began his screenwriting career with the 1997 Disney comedy Rocketman. Since then, he has written in a variety of film genres, including romantic comedy, spoof, drama and horror, including screen adaptations of Philip K. Dick's The Short Happy Life of the Brown Oxford and the classic Broadway play Harvey, both for Miramax Films.

Upcoming feature projects include Opus, an animated film collaboration with Pulitzer Prize-winning artist Berkeley Breathed, and of course, Superhero!

Craig lives with his wife and two children in a small town north of Los Angeles, and writes at Artful Writer.

Thanks for playing along, Craig!

TQQ Archives


I love the Black Parade, too, though Cancer is currently my "best song of the year" nominee.


Song of the year is either Heaven is the Dust Beneath My Shoes from the new Nomeansno or The Devil's Takin' Names by the Lawrence Arms.


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