80s Gone Wild
by Rockstar Mommy
When I found out that it was 80's week here at Faster Than The World, I didn't know how much I could bring to the table since I was a little too young to really appreciate the 80's, being born in '81. Please know that I use the word "appreciate" extremely loosely. How anyone could appreciate shoulder pads that made women look like linebackers, tightly teased perms that made women look like Tony Harding stuck her finger in an electrical outlet, stonewashed jeans, and DIY cut-up sweatshirts decorated with fluorescent puffy paint is beyond me. And don't even get me started on crimpers; especially the ones that came in cutesy little shapes like hearts and stars. No, really. It's all just too much Awesomeness for my brain to process all at once. Not that I wasn't a fashion victim of the 80's as well. I can fully admit that in 1989 I could be found sporting a side ponytail and rubber bracelets up to my elbows with legwarmers over top of my neon pink jelly shoes. But, I was 8. Some of you were 20. Let's have a little perspective here.
I wasn't sure if there was anything I could do other than slam the 80's, which I didn't want to do because some people hold the 80's so precious and dear to them, that speaking against an entire decade full of people who made Twisted Sister a household name to many of the people who made Twisted Sister a household name would be like dipping my arm in chocolate pudding and putting it in front of Rosie O'Donnell; I'd expect to get torn to shreds. Plus, I was in love with Michael Jackson. Who the hell am I to judge? In fact, it's still a topic of discussion in every therapy session. It is also, as I've come to learn, the reasoning behind my deeply seeded aversion to phrases "Jamal" and "Hee-Hee".
But, when I thought about it, I realized that I really love the 80's. The 80's which I was apart of. All that New Wave, the explosion of MTV and music videos, Ferris Bueller taking a day off... So much of the 80's made me who I am today. Punky Brewster can be held responsible for my strong love for all things Converse All Stars and stripey socks. The movie Labyrinth is a direct connection to my somewhat obsessive crush on David Bowie. The Karate Kid taught me that only the nerds who got beat up in school would dare to show up to a costume party dressed as a shower stall. Who's That Girl made me realize that you need ZERO talent to make it in Hollywood. The Goonies taught me to "never say 'die'!" (also to say "fifty dorra' bill!"). Parachute pants made me realize that most people in the world don't realize they're just apart of a big joke, including myself sometimes. Dirty Dancing is the reason that to this day I still want to change my name to Baby so that some hot dude (preferably not Patrick Swayze, though, especially with that scary mullet) can swoop in and pull me out of the corner to twirl me on stage and lift me in the air while I cross my legs and pray to God my last waxing held up. I can still solve my Rubik's Cube in under 3 minutes. And Heathers made it okay for me to tell people to "fuck me gently with a chainsaw."
See? I really do love the 80's.
Rockstar Mommy has laced this column with broody traps.