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And I'm Taking My Ball With Me by Ernie Williams
Well, I suppose there are a few things I could do to keep me occupied now that my Sunday’s don’t involve football games anymore. I could: Wait for baseball season to start, but that’s not till April. Damn, that’s a long way away. Spring training does nothing for me. I need the real thing. At some point I’ll switch from Patriots mode to Red Sox mode. I’ll take the Sox hat off the bedpost and put the Pats hat in it’s place, and I’ll switch out the winter hats from the blue knit hat with the Pats ‘Flying Elvis’ logo to the red knit hat the Sox ‘B’ logo on it. But that is going to be a while. I can’t just switch it off, this football thing. Change has gotta come at it’s own pace, like Spring. Perhaps I could: Watch hockey. That’s something I guess. It does not help that my team totally kinda blows at this current juncture… Watch the NBA. Phht! Ha ha! Yeah. That’s a good one! Wait for the NFL Draft and work on pretending I actually know who all these college players that people are going to be talking about are. ‘Oh sure that’s Jack McGillicutty out of Georgia Tech. 6’3 250. Lineman. Gonna go in the fourth round to the Bills I bet…’ What do you think? Sound convincing? Other ideas… maybe: Take up needlepoint. Yeah. Not gonna happen. Organize my old Patriots Football Weekly mags. Nah. Watch a documentary about global warming. Um, have you been outside this week? It’s frikkin freezing out Mr. Bigglesworth. Global warming my ass… There’s the Daytona 500 next weekend. I like to watch cars going around in circles, so I guess there’s that to look forward to… WHAT ELSE? THERE’S GOT TO BE SOMETHING ELSE!!! HELLLP!!! Oh wait, what’s this? An e-mail from Patriots.com? Hmmm. Says here I can join The Pats Cheerleaders in exotic Punta Cana (sounds hott) for their swimsuit calendar shoot. Includes private dinners and volleyball games with the squad! Hot damn. NOW we’re talking. Oh shit. What would the Wife say? NO, of course… Dammit. Plus, I’m broke. Double dammit. Oh well, The Patriots Cheerleaders will just have to have fun in exotic Punta Cana without me. Dudes and ladies I am stumped. Life without football. I’m forced to go cold turkey and I’m not handling it very well. Got any ideas for me? Because obviously I’ve got nothing to write about here… Ernie will find something to occupy his time....somehow...
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Ok, that’s it… Show’s over… Everybody go home… The Colts won. The season is over. No more football till August. Well, unless you count the Pro Bowl this weekend, I guess, which I don’t… 
Stumble It!
Comments
1. Wear a Yankees jersey and run through town yelling "RED SOX SUCK!" and then write your weekly column from the perspective of a hospital patient.
2. Erect a memorial to the old Boston Garden made entirely of toothpicks.
3. Do a survival column. See how long you can last out in the cold in just your underwear.
4. Seriously, I think next week you should write about your favorite football movies.
Posted by: michele | February 9, 2007 6:35 AM
All the cool kids are trying smack..
Or go with Michele's #4 suggestion, but don't mention Sinbad.
Posted by: Dan | February 9, 2007 6:53 AM
Hookers and blow.
Posted by: michele | February 9, 2007 6:58 AM
Fine suggestions one and all!
Dude, Sinbad is funny, I don't care what anybody says. Maybe I'll do my favorite Sinbad movies. What's the one where he's in the secret service...?
Posted by: Ernie | February 9, 2007 7:11 AM
"Sinbad's Service"
god I am glad Sinbad is dead
Posted by: turtle | February 9, 2007 10:14 AM
Dude you scared me I thought he really was dead. I had to go check! And that movie was called 'First Kid'. That's a good one.
Posted by: Ernie | February 9, 2007 10:25 AM
I thought Sinbad sailed the Seven Seas?!
Ernie, SCRAPBOOKING... all those Pat Mags are just crying out for some glitter and a glue gun!
Posted by: Deb | February 9, 2007 10:57 AM
Ernie, if you even consider scrapbooking I swear by all that is holy I will make a special trip just to introduce you to the business end o' my boot. :)
Hookers and blow sound rather interesting.
Posted by: Cullen | February 9, 2007 11:02 AM
Hmm. Well to tell you the truth, my Wife is actually totally into scrap-booking. That is her hobby and she has the ultimate set of scrap-booking tools.
I don't know if she would share them with me though... And I don't know if she would be interested in doing Patriots scrapbooking either. She is one of those people that try to pretend like they don't care about football.
Posted by: Ernie | February 9, 2007 12:19 PM
That's what I'm saying, Ernie. My wife does that scrapbooking thing too, that's why I know how much estrogen is involved in the process.
If you were to get involved, it's a slippery slope. Next thing you know you'd be sitting around in circles, talking about your feelings, and looking at your vagina with a hand mirror.
Posted by: Cullen | February 9, 2007 12:39 PM
Since your column is called "The End Zone" you could always devote the rest of the year to "bootie." Either that or start reading proctology journals and sum them up for us...
Sorry, I get weird when I'm on muscle relaxers for my back.
Posted by: Timmer | February 9, 2007 12:39 PM
Cullen that door is so wide open right now, I don't even want to go there ha ha!
Timmer YES! I could become THE ASSMAN of FTTW!!
"Hey, the Assman's in town!"
Posted by: Ernie | February 9, 2007 12:52 PM
Actually now that I think about it, I wonder if the Patriots Cheer-babes will be doing any scrap-booking in exotic Punta Cana... Maybe after the bikini photo shoots and volleyball games...
Imagination: Engage!
Posted by: Ernie | February 9, 2007 1:18 PM
Come on, Ernie. I can see you getting Fried Green already.
Posted by: Cullen | February 9, 2007 2:14 PM
TOWANDA BITCHES!!!
Posted by: Ernie | February 9, 2007 2:22 PM
Hey Assman - hahah you said ass...
1. You could go to Razor Blade field and try to interview a player or one of the Krafts or even a grounds keeper that takes care of the end zone?
2. You could go through a list of all time favorite super bowls and why - one each week...
3. You could learn all the rookie picks for the first round.
4. Have a list of your favorite podcasts
5. Do an under cover story on hookers and blow - as it wouldn't be you but the Assman
6. Start your own podcasts based on your experience of hooker and blow in football
7. Write up about all the cool concerts you are going to and how young everyone is
Posted by: B | February 10, 2007 5:59 AM
did someone say HOOKERS?!?!
Posted by: kali | February 10, 2007 9:02 AM
hookers AND blow
Posted by: johnny | February 10, 2007 9:39 AM
I've decided:
Drink all night. Go to the naked party after the fist-fight. Cuz that's good livin.
TOWANDA!!
Posted by: Ernie | February 10, 2007 10:03 AM