For some reason the editorial beings here at FTTW have decided that this week is 70s week. It is my assertation that if I do not go along with their proposed themes they will come to my house in the middle of the night and do things to me. More specifically they will attempt to do things to my butt, like put things in there…and that, my friends is not where things go. Things come out of the butt, they do not go in there, not even if you’re a medical professional. Getting back on track I have no recollection of the 1970s because I wasn’t alive then. From what I understand it was a confusing time in which the world discovered that the Afro was the end all/ be all hairstyle for both whites and blacks. But if you ask me the whites were just trying to steal some black power by adopting the hair style – like trying to steal Sampson’s power by cutting his hair. It was a time of turmoil and chaos. A strange being known simply as Polyester was slowly encompassing the globe in a vain attempt at world domination. And the songs of hate and destruction, as if the devil himself manifested adorned in gold chains, spewed forth from night clubs in the form of the abomination of Disco. But the 1970s were a time of great humanitarian efforts and in that vain I give to you, as long as you promise to stay away from my butt:

Things I Love About the Seventies Even Though I Had Nothing to Do With That Decade Because I Was Born In 1980

Exploitation / Blaxploitation Films

It’s dirty, it’s gritty, it’s violent, it drips with low budget and sleaze…it’s exploitation cinema and its racially charged half brother (all puns intended) Blaxploitation. No more lily white bullshit for Hollywood exploitation films brought the THUNDER. I didn’t get to see great cinematic epics; such as Switchblade Sisters or Scream Blackula Scream. But I did get to see the result of the scared teens who did frequent these movies: Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez. Sure I wasn’t around in the 70s but they sure as fuck were and their bringing it all back around with this summer’s blockbuster release – GRINDHOUSE. click here to see the trailer . Sure I didn’t get to live during the rise of exploitation cinema but it influenced some of my favorite movie makers which in turn influenced me and my love of modern day cinema. The 70s also revolutionized the Zombie genre and if you don’t like zombie movies well then the terrorists win…you fucking commie.

Pornography

Out of the basements and into their own theaters here comes some fuckin’. The 1970s was also responsible for the revolution of the porno industry. You could legitimately be a superstar for the first time in the history of man, for simply wanging some chicks down. John Holmes, Amber Waves those are classic names in the vein of being the Michelangelo and DaVinci’s of their respected occupation. From the 70s came the acceptance of porn and with the internet it all became available in every home and gave rise to one of the greatest porn stars ever: Jenna Jameson. I bow before the 70s for giving to me Jenna and her Club Jenna Girls.

Richard Dawson

If ever there was a God among men his name is Richard Dawson. Host of The Feud, guest on The Match Game and a ladies man of unequalled power Richard Dawson exudes sex like a Krispy Kreme worker sweats the sweet tasty filling of their donuts. Dawson always struck me as the guy who did coke for their morning pick me up and used his great chemically induced influence to bed every woman he came across. No one can compare to Richard Dawson but god bless him for what he was. Is he dead?

Jonestown

Oh sure we’ve had some cults here recently. The comet people, those nut jobs in Texas but no one, abso-fucking-lutely no on can live up to Jonestown. Not only did they take their shit to the middle of nowhere they pioneered that whole “kill yourself in the name of god” thing. NO one can live up to the bar that Jonestown set…but I don’t think anyone really wants to.

Over Indulgence

This was probably the greatest thing about the 1970s and though I don’t think that it has carried over to the current generation it was amazing. Just think about it: in this day and age you can’t even smoke in a bar but back then you wouldn’t be surprised to see people doing coke off the table at a restaurant. This is the era that spawned the movie scarface and I’m fairly certain that the ideals presented therein were not too far off the mark. Saturday Night Fever – the shining light of the seventies culture – prominently featured all sorts of amounts of mindless self indulgence to go along with their wacky dancing and preening. If I could have picked a time to be in my twenties I would have to pick New York city in the 70s. I’d probably have killed more than my fair share of brain cells at studio 54 and then I could have gone into rehab and written a tell all book that would’ve been developed into a movie and I would have made millions. Sadly that millions probably would only cover a pittance on what I would have spent on booze and drugs at the club but hey, you work with what you’ve got.

That’s all I’ve got for the 1970s because I’m fairly certain everyone else already covered the fact that Disco Blew Balls and the Bee Gees are evil.

If we move on to talk about the 1980s I hope we can talk about my hatred for corduroy.

Travis is getting an economy size jar of lube for his birthday. Just in case we have to come over there.

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