Those Damn Monkeys
by Kory Schaubhut
Dr. Zeus is the smartest monkey who ever lived, with an IQ of well over 200. That's really something when you think about how culturally biased our IQ tests are against monkeys. Still, Dr. Zeus is a monkey at heart and not above amusing himself by flinging his own feces at the audience as they listen to his lecture on hyperstring theory.
Monkeys are the ultimate paradox. On the
one hand they're quite cute, but on the other
hand you never know when they're going to
flip out and conquer humanity.
In the past Monkeys achieved many great
things. A million of them, typing on a million
typewriters, for a million years, produced the
complete works of Shakespeare.
Shakespeare found these works and
published them in Elizabethan England,
leading him to live a life of ease and luxury.
Monkey astronauts also existed before
humans did... in the modern age, anyway.
Let's not consider here issues of what may
have happened long ago in galaxies far far
The first monkey in space was Albert the
Rhesus Monkey who mysteriously
disappeared during the flight.
Monkeys were able to achieve these and
other great things due largely to their
relationship with a mysterious talking rock
named "The Megalith." This bizarre object
taught the monkeys many things... including,
unfortunately, how to take over the world.
So it should come as no surprise that in the
future, monkeys take over the world and
grind humanity underneath their cruel
barefooted heels. And yet, they remain
monkeys... not above such simple pleasures
eating bananas and flinging their own fecal
matter at random passersby.
If there's one thing that monkeys really find amusing, it's enslaving human beings. The premise of the show "Newman the Human" is that some monkeys have a human for sale, but nobody ever wants to buy him. Occasionally people will buy poor Newman to have him work on a chain gang or something and hilarious hijinx ensue. Ultimately, Newman always somehow ends up back in the hands of his original cruel owners.
Kory is on vacation this week, and left some monkeys in his place