hold the mustard
by Kali Pornia

ok so where were we? oh ya, my dogs are stuck together, the girl dog is weeping and so am i, the boy dog is so confused as to why the bitch won't GET UP OFF OF HIM now that he's had his piece. my neighbors are gnashing their three collective teeth but can't agree on what to do.

dirtball donna is sticking to her "he's to big for her" theory.

mike the dyke is shaking his cane, still feeling like the most prudent thing to do is to pour water on them.

smith of the basketball sized hernia holds that they need privacy.

my landlord, the only one with sense of any kind, seems befuddled. he looks at me and shrugs.

so i go get a cup of water and come back out and pour it on their joined uh sexes. and i guess i figured it would just pop right out, like when you use soap to get a ring off. but, nay, that did not happen. so what do i do? i go get another cup and try it again. the dogs are looking up at me through their eyelids, horrified. seriously, it's been at least 8 or 10 minutes by now.


finally i concede. i scoop both dogs up in my arms, ass to ass, and head for the house. i am all alone, so i am forced to ask dirtball donna to open my door so that i can transport them to the back yard. more than THAT, she has to come in my house with me to open the back door.

the boy dog's ass is puckering like a motherfucker. fucking 10 minutes later and he still shooting loads up in that piece. amazing. i place them gently down in the grass in the small backyard and it breaks my heart to walk away from that look the girl dog has on her face, but i do it. and i stand in my kitchen spying on them from the window.

sure enough about 5 minutes later (i shit you not it was a total of almost 20 minutes) the boy dog pulls loose and his bare pink thingy whips out and starts flopping all over. the craziest shit i've ever seen. he keeps looking at it like WTF? he tries to get away from it until he realizes it's actually part of him. there are those damn barb like thingies on the shaft that are the reason he was locked in there. at this point it's making too much sense that smith knew what to do and i'm wondering why i didn't make the connection earlier.

the girl dog is just happy to have her twat getting back to it's normal size. at this point she doing a lot of licking but seems to be taking the shock and horror of what just happened in stride.

i call the vet FINALLY who says there's a 99.9% chance that the bitch is pregnant "when there's a lock." and he was right. the next few weeks i spent calling the vet nearly every day to be sure things were normal. i kept calling and asking if i should bring her in. he kept saying to me "is she eating? if she's eating, there's no need to worry." the poor dude must've told me that at least 15X.

i kept calling and asking if i should bring her in. so much that at some point he says to me "i don't need to see her, she's fine. unless you just want to give me some money." hA! he kills me.

i had a million more things to learn about the whelping process and after and god it was SO MUCH FUN i loved it so much that as soon as all the puppies were gone, i was like "let's do it again!" somehow instantly i forgot about the first two weeks of sleepless nights and the last two weeks of wanting to kill just a couple of them so they would SHUT THE FUCK UP!

but seriously, look at their faces... you'd forget too.




Very cute, but puppies always are, dogs on the other hand. Next time you want them unstuck a good soaking of the male from the garden hose should shock his system into 'unbarbing', if that's the right word. I've seen it on tv, so I'm pretty sure it works.


"the boy dog's ass is puckering like a motherfucker. fucking 10 minutes later and he still shooting loads up in that piece."

I don't believe I've ever seen such a descriptive detail of two dogs doing it. Ever.

Well done.


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